the lifted veil-第6章

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when　they　are　at　all　powerful；　affect　me　so　strongly　that　one　or
two　exhaust　all　my　capability　of　contemplation。　　This　morning　I　had
been　looking　at　Giorgione's　picture　of　the　cruel…eyed　woman；　said
to　be　a　likeness　of　Lucrezia　Borgia。　　I　had　stood　long　alone　before
it；　fascinated　by　the　terrible　reality　of　that　cunning；　relentless
face；　till　I　felt　a　strange　poisoned　sensation；　as　if　I　had　long
been　inhaling　a　fatal　odour；　and　was　just　beginning　to　be　conscious
of　its　effects。　　Perhaps　even　then　I　should　not　have　moved　away；　if
the　rest　of　the　party　had　not　returned　to　this　room；　and　announced
that　they　were　going　to　the　Belvedere　Gallery　to　settle　a　bet　which
had　arisen　between　my　brother　and　Mr。　Filmore　about　a　portrait。　　I
followed　them　dreamily；　and　was　hardly　alive　to　what　occurred　till
they　had　all　gone　up　to　the　gallery；　leaving　me　below；　for　I
refused　to　come　within　sight　of　another　picture　that　day。　　I　made
my　way　to　the　Grand　Terrace；　since　it　was　agreed　that　we　should
saunter　in　the　gardens　when　the　dispute　had　been　decided。　　I　had
been　sitting　here　a　short　space；　vaguely　conscious　of　trim　gardens；
with　a　city　and　green　hills　in　the　distance；　when；　wishing　to　avoid
the　proximity　of　the　sentinel；　I　rose　and　walked　down　the　broad
stone　steps；　intending　to　seat　myself　farther　on　in　the　gardens。
Just　as　I　reached　the　gravel…walk；　I　felt　an　arm　slipped　within
mine；　and　a　light　hand　gently　pressing　my　wrist。　　In　the　same
instant　a　strange　intoxicating　numbness　passed　over　me；　like　the
continuance　or　climax　of　the　sensation　I　was　still　feeling　from　the
gaze　of　Lucrezia　Borgia。　　The　gardens；　the　summer　sky；　the
consciousness　of　Bertha's　arm　being　within　mine；　all　vanished；　and
I　seemed　to　be　suddenly　in　darkness；　out　of　which　there　gradually
broke　a　dim　firelight；　and　I　felt　myself　sitting　in　my　father's
leather　chair　in　the　library　at　home。　　I　knew　the　fireplacethe
dogs　for　the　wood…firethe　black　marble　chimney…piece　with　the
white　marble　medallion　of　the　dying　Cleopatra　in　the　centre。
Intense　and　hopeless　misery　was　pressing　on　my　soul；　the　light
became　stronger；　for　Bertha　was　entering　with　a　candle　in　her　hand…
…Bertha；　my　wifewith　cruel　eyes；　with　green　jewels　and　green
leaves　on　her　white　ball…dress；　every　hateful　thought　within　her
present　to　me　。　。　。　〃Madman；　idiot！　why　don't　you　kill　yourself；
then？〃　　It　was　a　moment　of　hell。　　I　saw　into　her　pitiless　soulsaw
its　barren　worldliness；　its　scorching　hateand　felt　it　clothe　me
round　like　an　air　I　was　obliged　to　breathe。　　She　came　with　her
candle　and　stood　over　me　with　a　bitter　smile　of　contempt；　I　saw　the
great　emerald　brooch　on　her　bosom；　a　studded　serpent　with　diamond
eyes。　　I　shudderedI　despised　this　woman　with　the　barren　soul　and
mean　thoughts；　but　I　felt　helpless　before　her；　as　if　she　clutched
my　bleeding　heart；　and　would　clutch　it　till　the　last　drop　of　life…
blood　ebbed　away。　　She　was　my　wife；　and　we　hated　each　other。
Gradually　the　hearth；　the　dim　library；　the　candle…light
disappearedseemed　to　melt　away　into　a　background　of　light；　the
green　serpent　with　the　diamond　eyes　remaining　a　dark　image　on　the
retina。　　Then　I　had　a　sense　of　my　eyelids　quivering；　and　the　living
daylight　broke　in　upon　me；　I　saw　gardens；　and　heard　voices；　I　was
seated　on　the　steps　of　the　Belvedere　Terrace；　and　my　friends　were
round　me。

The　tumult　of　mind　into　which　I　was　thrown　by　this　hideous　vision
made　me　ill　for　several　days；　and　prolonged　our　stay　at　Vienna。　　I
shuddered　with　horror　as　the　scene　recurred　to　me；　and　it　recurred
constantly；　with　all　its　minutiae；　as　if　they　had　been　burnt　into
my　memory；　and　yet；　such　is　the　madness　of　the　human　heart　under
the　influence　of　its　immediate　desires；　I　felt　a　wild　hell…braving
joy　that　Bertha　was　to　be　mine；　for　the　fulfilment　of　my　former
prevision　concerning　her　first　appearance　before　me；　left　me　little
hope　that　this　last　hideous　glimpse　of　the　future　was　the　mere
diseased　play　of　my　own　mind；　and　had　no　relation　to　external
realities。　　One　thing　alone　I　looked　towards　as　a　possible　means　of
casting　doubt　on　my　terrible　convictionthe　discovery　that　my
vision　of　Prague　had　been　falseand　Prague　was　the　next　city　on
our　route。

Meanwhile；　I　was　no　sooner　in　Bertha's　society　again　than　I　was　as
completely　under　her　sway　as　before。　　What　if　I　saw　into　the　heart
of　Bertha；　the　matured　womanBertha；　my　wife？　　Bertha；　the　GIRL；
was　a　fascinating　secret　to　me　still：　　I　trembled　under　her　touch；
I　felt　the　witchery　of　her　presence；　I　yearned　to　be　assured　of　her
love。　　The　fear　of　poison　is　feeble　against　the　sense　of　thirst。
Nay；　I　was　just　as　jealous　of　my　brother　as　beforejust　as　much
irritated　by　his　small　patronizing　ways；　for　my　pride；　my　diseased
sensibility；　were　there　as　they　had　always　been；　and　winced　as
inevitably　under　every　offence　as　my　eye　winced　from　an　intruding
mote。　　The　future；　even　when　brought　within　the　compass　of　feeling
by　a　vision　that　made　me　shudder；　had　still　no　more　than　the　force
of　an　idea；　compared　with　the　force　of　present　emotionof　my　love
for　Bertha；　of　my　dislike　and　jealousy　towards　my　brother。

It　is　an　old　story；　that　men　sell　themselves　to　the　tempter；　and
sign　a　bond　with　their　blood；　because　it　is　only　to　take　effect　at
a　distant　day；　then　rush　on　to　snatch　the　cup　their　souls　thirst
after　with　an　impulse　not　the　less　savage　because　there　is　a　dark
shadow　beside　them　for　evermore。　　There　is　no　short　cut；　no　patent
tram…road；　to　wisdom：　　after　all　the　centuries　of　invention；　the
soul's　path　lies　through　the　thorny　wilderness　which　must　be　still
trodden　in　solitude；　with　bleeding　feet；　with　sobs　for　help；　as　it
was　trodden　by　them　of　old　time。

My　mind　speculated　eagerly　on　the　means　by　which　I　should　become　my
brother's　successful　rival；　for　I　was　still　too　timid；　in　my
ignorance　of　Bertha's　actual　feeling；　to　venture　on　any　step　that
would　urge　from　her　an　avowal　of　it。　　I　thought　I　should　gain
confidence　even　for　this；　if　my　vision　of　Prague　proved　to　have
been　veracious；　and　yet；　the　horror　of　that　certitude！　　Behind　the
slim　girl　Bertha；　whose　words　and　looks　I　watched　for；　whose　touch
was　bliss；　there　stood　continually　that　Bertha　with　the　fuller
form；　the　harder　eyes；　the　more　rigid　mouthwith　the　barren；
selfish　soul　laid　bare；　no　longer　a　fascinating　secret；　but　a
measured　fact；　urging　itself　perpetually　on　my　unwilling　sight。
Are　you　unable　to　give　me　your　sympathyyou　who　react　this？　　Are
you　unable　to　imagine　this　double　consciousness　at　work　within　me；
flowing　on　like　two　parallel　streams　which　never　mingle　their
waters　and　blend　into　a　common　hue？　　Yet　you　must　have　known
something　of　the　presentiments　that　spring　from　an　insight　at　war
with　passion；　and　my　visions　were　only　like　presentiments
intensified　to　horror。　　You　have　known　the　powerlessness　of　ideas
before　the　might　of　impulse；　and　my　visions；　when　once　they　had
passed　into　memory；　were　mere　ideaspale　shadows　that　beckoned　in
vain；　while　my　hand　was　grasped　by　the　living　and　the　loved。

In　after…days　I　thought　with　bitter　regret　that　if　I　had　foreseen
something　more　or　something　differentif　instead　of　that　hideous
vision　which　poisoned　the　passion　it　could　not　destroy；　or　if　even
along　with　it　I　could　have　had　a　foreshadowing　of　that　moment　when
I　looked　on　my　brother's　face　for　the　last　time；　some　softening
influence　would　have　been　shed　over　my　feeling　towards　him：　　pride
and　hatred　would　surely　have　been　subdued　into　pity；　and　the　record
of　those　hidden　sins　would　have　been　shortened。　　But　this　is　one　of
the　vain　thoughts　with　which　we　men　flatter　ourselves。　　We　try　to
believe　that　the　egoism　within　us　would　have　easily　been　melted；
and　that　it　was　only　the　narrowness　of　our　knowledge　which　hemmed
in　our　generosity；　our　awe；　our　human　piety；　and　hindered　them　from
submerging　our　hard　indifference　to　the　sensations　and　emotions　of
our　fellows。　　Our　tenderness　and　self…renunciation　seem　strong　when
our　egoism　has　had　its　daywhen；　after　our　mean　striving　for　a
triumph　that　is　to　be　another's　loss；　the　triumph　comes　suddenly；
and　we　shudder　at　it；　because　it　is　held　out　by　the　chill　hand　of
death。

Our　arrival　in　Pra