the lifted veil-第5章

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additional　triumph　in　conquering　the　reverence　of　a　critic
habitually　captious　and　satirical：　　no　wonder；　then；　that　an
enthusiastic　self…distrusting　youth　should　watch　and　wait　before
the　closed　secret　of　a　sarcastic　woman's　face；　as　if　it　were　the
shrine　of　the　doubtfully　benignant　deity　who　ruled　his　destiny。
For　a　young　enthusiast　is　unable　to　imagine　the　total　negation　in
another　mind　of　the　emotions　which　are　stirring　his　own：　　they　may
be　feeble；　latent；　inactive；　he　thinks；　but　they　are　therethey
may　be　called　forth；　sometimes；　in　moments　of　happy　hallucination；
he　believes　they　may　be　there　in　all　the　greater　strength　because
he　sees　no　outward　sign　of　them。　　And　this　effect；　as　I　have
intimated；　was　heightened　to　its　utmost　intensity　in　me；　because
Bertha　was　the　only　being　who　remained　for　me　in　the　mysterious
seclusion　of　soul　that　renders　such　youthful　delusion　possible。
Doubtless　there　was　another　sort　of　fascination　at　workthat
subtle　physical　attraction　which　delights　in　cheating　our
psychological　predictions；　and　in　compelling　the　men　who　paint
sylphs；　to　fall　in　love　with　some　bonne　et　brave　femme；　heavy…
heeled　and　freckled。

Bertha's　behaviour　towards　me　was　such　as　to　encourage　all　my
illusions；　to　heighten　my　boyish　passion；　and　make　me　more　and　more
dependent　on　her　smiles。　　Looking　back　with　my　present　wretched
knowledge；　I　conclude　that　her　vanity　and　love　of　power　were
intensely　gratified　by　the　belief　that　I　had　fainted　on　first
seeing　her　purely　from　the　strong　impression　her　person　had
produced　on　me。　　The　most　prosaic　woman　likes　to　believe　herself
the　object　of　a　violent；　a　poetic　passion；　and　without　a　grain　of
romance　in　her；　Bertha　had　that　spirit　of　intrigue　which　gave
piquancy　to　the　idea　that　the　brother　of　the　man　she　meant　to　marry
was　dying　with　love　and　jealousy　for　her　sake。　　That　she　meant　to
marry　my　brother；　was　what　at　that　time　I　did　not　believe；　for
though　he　was　assiduous　in　his　attentions　to　her；　and　I　knew　well
enough　that　both　he　and　my　father　had　made　up　their　minds　to　this
result；　there　was　not　yet　an　understood　engagementthere　had　been
no　explicit　declaration；　and　Bertha　habitually；　while　she　flirted
with　my　brother；　and　accepted　his　homage　in　a　way　that　implied　to
him　a　thorough　recognition　of　its　intention；　made　me　believe；　by
the　subtlest　looks　and　phrasesfeminine　nothings　which　could　never
be　quoted　against　herthat　he　was　really　the　object　of　her　secret
ridicule；　that　she　thought　him；　as　I　did；　a　coxcomb；　whom　she　would
have　pleasure　in　disappointing。　　Me　she　openly　petted　in　my
brother's　presence；　as　if　I　were　too　young　and　sickly　ever　to　be
thought　of　as　a　lover；　and　that　was　the　view　he　took　of　me。　　But　I
believe　she　must　inwardly　have　delighted　in　the　tremors　into　which
she　threw　me　by　the　coaxing　way　in　which　she　patted　my　curls；　while
she　laughed　at　my　quotations。　　Such　caresses　were　always　given　in
the　presence　of　our　friends；　for　when　we　were　alone　together；　she
affected　a　much　greater　distance　towards　me；　and　now　and　then　took
the　opportunity；　by　words　or　slight　actions；　to　stimulate　my
foolish　timid　hope　that　she　really　preferred　me。　　And　why　should
she　not　follow　her　inclination？　　I　was　not　in　so　advantageous　a
position　as　my　brother；　but　I　had　fortune；　I　was　not　a　year　younger
than　she　was；　and　she　was　an　heiress；　who　would　soon　be　of　age　to
decide　for　herself。

The　fluctuations　of　hope　and　fear；　confined　to　this　one　channel；
made　each　day　in　her　presence　a　delicious　torment。　　There　was　one
deliberate　act　of　hers　which　especially　helped　to　intoxicate　me。
When　we　were　at　Vienna　her　twentieth　birthday　occurred；　and　as　she
was　very　fond　of　ornaments；　we　all　took　the　opportunity　of　the
splendid　jewellers'　shops　in　that　Teutonic　Paris　to　purchase　her　a
birthday　present　of　jewellery。　　Mine；　naturally；　was　the　least
expensive；　it　was　an　opal　ringthe　opal　was　my　favourite　stone；
because　it　seems　to　blush　and　turn　pale　as　if　it　had　a　soul。　　I
told　Bertha　so　when　I　gave　it　her；　and　said　that　it　was　an　emblem
of　the　poetic　nature；　changing　with　the　changing　light　of　heaven
and　of　woman's　eyes。　　In　the　evening　she　appeared　elegantly
dressed；　and　wearing　conspicuously　all　the　birthday　presents　except
mine。　　I　looked　eagerly　at　her　fingers；　but　saw　no　opal。　　I　had　no
opportunity　of　noticing　this　to　her　during　the　evening；　but　the
next　day；　when　I　found　her　seated　near　the　window　alone；　after
breakfast；　I　said；　〃You　scorn　to　wear　my　poor　opal。　　I　should　have
remembered　that　you　despised　poetic　natures；　and　should　have　given
you　coral；　or　turquoise；　or　some　other　opaque　unresponsive　stone。〃
〃Do　I　despise　it？〃　she　answered；　taking　hold　of　a　delicate　gold
chain　which　she　always　wore　round　her　neck　and　drawing　out　the　end
from　her　bosom　with　my　ring　hanging　to　it；　〃it　hurts　me　a　little；　I
can　tell　you；〃　she　said；　with　her　usual　dubious　smile；　〃to　wear　it
in　that　secret　place；　and　since　your　poetical　nature　is　so　stupid
as　to　prefer　a　more　public　position；　I　shall　not　endure　the　pain
any　longer。〃

She　took　off　the　ring　from　the　chain　and　put　it　on　her　finger；
smiling　still；　while　the　blood　rushed　to　my　cheeks；　and　I　could　not
trust　myself　to　say　a　word　of　entreaty　that　she　would　keep　the　ring
where　it　was　before。

I　was　completely　fooled　by　this；　and　for　two　days　shut　myself　up　in
my　own　room　whenever　Bertha　was　absent；　that　I　might　intoxicate
myself　afresh　with　the　thought　of　this　scene　and　all　it　implied。

I　should　mention　that　during　these　two　monthswhich　seemed　a　long
life　to　me　from　the　novelty　and　intensity　of　the　pleasures　and
pains　I　underwentmy　diseased　anticipation　in　other　people's
consciousness　continued　to　torment　me；　now　it　was　my　father；　and
now　my　brother；　now　Mrs。　Filmore　or　her　husband；　and　now　our　German
courier；　whose　stream　of　thought　rushed　upon　me　like　a　ringing　in
the　ears　not　to　be　got　rid　of；　though　it　allowed　my　own　impulses
and　ideas　to　continue　their　uninterrupted　course。　　It　was　like　a
preternaturally　heightened　sense　of　hearing；　making　audible　to　one
a　roar　of　sound　where　others　find　perfect　stillness。　　The　weariness
and　disgust　of　this　involuntary　intrusion　into　other　souls　was
counteracted　only　by　my　ignorance　of　Bertha；　and　my　growing　passion
for　her；　a　passion　enormously　stimulated；　if　not　produced；　by　that
ignorance。　　She　was　my　oasis　of　mystery　in　the　dreary　desert　of
knowledge。　　I　had　never　allowed　my　diseased　condition　to　betray
itself；　or　to　drive　me　into　any　unusual　speech　or　action；　except
once；　when；　in　a　moment　of　peculiar　bitterness　against　my　brother；
I　had　forestalled　some　words　which　I　knew　he　was　going　to　uttera
clever　observation；　which　he　had　prepared　beforehand。　　He　had
occasionally　a　slightly　affected　hesitation　in　his　speech；　and　when
he　paused　an　instant　after　the　second　word；　my　impatience　and
jealousy　impelled　me　to　continue　the　speech　for　him；　as　if　it　were
something　we　had　both　learned　by　rote。　　He　coloured　and　looked
astonished；　as　well　as　annoyed；　and　the　words　had　no　sooner　escaped
my　lips　than　I　felt　a　shock　of　alarm　lest　such　an　anticipation　of
wordsvery　far　from　being　words　of　course；　easy　to　divineshould
have　betrayed　me　as　an　exceptional　being；　a　sort　of　quiet
energumen；　whom　every　one；　Bertha　above　all；　would　shudder　at　and
avoid。　　But　I　magnified；　as　usual；　the　impression　any　word　or　deed
of　mine　could　produce　on　others；　for　no　one　gave　any　sign　of　having
noticed　my　interruption　as　more　than　a　rudeness；　to　be　forgiven　me
on　the　score　of　my　feeble　nervous　condition。

While　this　superadded　consciousness　of　the　actual　was　almost
constant　with　me；　I　had　never　had　a　recurrence　of　that　distinct
prevision　which　I　have　described　in　relation　to　my　first　interview
with　Bertha；　and　I　was　waiting　with　eager　curiosity　to　know　whether
or　not　my　vision　of　Prague　would　prove　to　have　been　an　instance　of
the　same　kind。　　A　few　days　after　the　incident　of　the　opal　ring；　we
were　paying　one　of　our　frequent　visits　to　the　Lichtenberg　Palace。
I　could　never　look　at　many　pictures　in　succession；　for　pictures；
when　they　are　at　all　powerful；　affect　me　so　strongly　that　one　or
two　exhaust　all　my　capability　of　contempl