the lifted veil-第4章

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salon；　and　opened　a　case　of　eau…de…Cologne；　took　out　a　bottle；　went
through　the　process　of　taking　out　the　cork　very　neatly；　and　then
rubbed　the　reviving　spirit　over　my　hands　and　forehead；　and　under　my
nostrils；　drawing　a　new　delight　from　the　scent　because　I　had
procured　it　by　slow　details　of　labour；　and　by　no　strange　sudden
madness。　　Already　I　had　begun　to　taste　something　of　the　horror　that
belongs　to　the　lot　of　a　human　being　whose　nature　is　not　adjusted　to
simple　human　conditions。

Still　enjoying　the　scent；　I　returned　to　the　salon；　but　it　was　not
unoccupied；　as　it　had　been　before　I　left　it。　　In　front　of　the
Chinese　folding…screen　there　was　my　father；　with　Mrs。　Filmore　on
his　right　hand；　and　on　his　leftthe　slim；　blond…haired　girl；　with
the　keen　face　and　the　keen　eyes　fixed　on　me　in　half…smiling
curiosity。

〃Well；　Latimer；　you　thought　me　long；〃　my　father　said　。　。　。

I　heard　no　more；　felt　no　more；　till　I　became　conscious　that　I　was
lying　with　my　head　low　on　the　sofa；　Pierre；　and　my　father　by　my
side。　　As　soon　as　I　was　thoroughly　revived；　my　father　left　the
room；　and　presently　returned；　saying　…

〃I've　been　to　tell　the　ladies　how　you　are；　Latimer。　　They　were
waiting　in　the　next　room。　　We　shall　put　off　our　shopping　expedition
to…day。〃

Presently　he　said；　〃That　young　lady　is　Bertha　Grant；　Mrs。　Filmore's
orphan　niece。　　Filmore　has　adopted　her；　and　she　lives　with　them；　so
you　will　have　her　for　a　neighbour　when　we　go　homeperhaps　for　a
near　relation；　for　there　is　a　tenderness　between　her　and　Alfred；　I
suspect；　and　I　should　be　gratified　by　the　match；　since　Filmore
means　to　provide　for　her　in　every　way　as　if　she　were　his　daughter。
It　had　not　occurred　to　me　that　you　knew　nothing　about　her　living
with　the　Filmores。〃

He　made　no　further　allusion　to　the　fact　of　my　having　fainted　at　the
moment　of　seeing　her；　and　I　would　not　for　the　world　have　told　him
the　reason：　　I　shrank　from　the　idea　of　disclosing　to　any　one　what
might　be　regarded　as　a　pitiable　peculiarity；　most　of　all　from
betraying　it　to　my　father；　who　would　have　suspected　my　sanity　ever
after。

I　do　not　mean　to　dwell　with　particularity　on　the　details　of　my
experience。　　I　have　described　these　two　cases　at　length；　because
they　had　definite；　clearly　traceable　results　in　my　after…lot。

Shortly　after　this　last　occurrenceI　think　the　very　next　dayI
began　to　be　aware　of　a　phase　in　my　abnormal　sensibility；　to　which；
from　the　languid　and　slight　nature　of　my　intercourse　with　others
since　my　illness；　I　had　not　been　alive　before。　　This　was　the
obtrusion　on　my　mind　of　the　mental　process　going　forward　in　first
one　person；　and　then　another；　with　whom　I　happened　to　be　in
contact：　　the　vagrant；　frivolous　ideas　and　emotions　of　some
uninteresting　acquaintanceMrs。　Filmore；　for　examplewould　force
themselves　on　my　consciousness　like　an　importunate；　ill…played
musical　instrument；　or　the　loud　activity　of　an　imprisoned　insect。
But　this　unpleasant　sensibility　was　fitful；　and　left　me　moments　of
rest；　when　the　souls　of　my　companions　were　once　more　shut　out　from
me；　and　I　felt　a　relief　such　as　silence　brings　to　wearied　nerves。
I　might　have　believed　this　importunate　insight　to　be　merely　a
diseased　activity　of　the　imagination；　but　that　my　prevision　of
incalculable　words　and　actions　proved　it　to　have　a　fixed　relation
to　the　mental　process　in　other　minds。　　But　this　superadded
consciousness；　wearying　and　annoying　enough　when　it　urged　on　me　the
trivial　experience　of　indifferent　people；　became　an　intense　pain
and　grief　when　it　seemed　to　be　opening　to　me　the　souls　of　those　who
were　in　a　close　relation　to　mewhen　the　rational　talk；　the
graceful　attentions；　the　wittily…turned　phrases；　and　the　kindly
deeds；　which　used　to　make　the　web　of　their　characters；　were　seen　as
if　thrust　asunder　by　a　microscopic　vision；　that　showed　all　the
intermediate　frivolities；　all　the　suppressed　egoism；　all　the
struggling　chaos　of　puerilities；　meanness；　vague　capricious
memories；　and　indolent　make…shift　thoughts；　from　which　human　words
and　deeds　emerge　like　leaflets　covering　a　fermenting　heap。

At　Basle　we　were　joined　by　my　brother　Alfred；　now　a　handsome；　self…
confident　man　of　six…and…twentya　thorough　contrast　to　my　fragile；
nervous；　ineffectual　self。　　I　believe　I　was　held　to　have　a　sort　of
half…womanish；　half…ghostly　beauty；　for　the　portrait…painters；　who
are　thick　as　weeds　at　Geneva；　had　often　asked　me　to　sit　to　them；
and　I　had　been　the　model　of　a　dying　minstrel　in　a　fancy　picture。
But　I　thoroughly　disliked　my　own　physique　and　nothing　but　the
belief　that　it　was　a　condition　of　poetic　genius　would　have
reconciled　me　to　it。　　That　brief　hope　was　quite　fled；　and　I　saw　in
my　face　now　nothing　but　the　stamp　of　a　morbid　organization；　framed
for　passive　sufferingtoo　feeble　for　the　sublime　resistance　of
poetic　production。　　Alfred；　from　whom　I　had　been　almost　constantly
separated；　and　who；　in　his　present　stage　of　character　and
appearance；　came　before　me　as　a　perfect　stranger；　was　bent　on　being
extremely　friendly　and　brother…like　to　me。　　He　had　the　superficial
kindness　of　a　good…humoured；　self…satisfied　nature；　that　fears　no
rivalry；　and　has　encountered　no　contrarieties。　　I　am　not　sure　that
my　disposition　was　good　enough　for　me　to　have　been　quite　free　from
envy　towards　him；　even　if　our　desires　had　not　clashed；　and　if　I　had
been　in　the　healthy　human　condition　which　admits　of　generous
confidence　and　charitable　construction。　　There　must　always　have
been　an　antipathy　between　our　natures。　　As　it　was；　he　became　in　a
few　weeks　an　object　of　intense　hatred　to　me；　and　when　he　entered
the　room；　still　more　when　he　spoke；　it　was　as　if　a　sensation　of
grating　metal　had　set　my　teeth　on　edge。　　My　diseased　consciousness
was　more　intensely　and　continually　occupied　with　his　thoughts　and
emotions；　than　with　those　of　any　other　person　who　came　in　my　way。
I　was　perpetually　exasperated　with　the　petty　promptings　of　his
conceit　and　his　love　of　patronage；　with　his　self…complacent　belief
in　Bertha　Grant's　passion　for　him；　with　his　half…pitying　contempt
for　meseen　not　in　the　ordinary　indications　of　intonation　and
phrase　and　slight　action；　which　an　acute　and　suspicious　mind　is　on
the　watch　for；　but　in　all　their　naked　skinless　complication。

For　we　were　rivals；　and　our　desires　clashed；　though　he　was　not
aware　of　it。　　I　have　said　nothing　yet　of　the　effect　Bertha　Grant
produced　in　me　on　a　nearer　acquaintance。　　That　effect　was　chiefly
determined　by　the　fact　that　she　made　the　only　exception；　among　all
the　human　beings　about　me；　to　my　unhappy　gift　of　insight。　　About
Bertha　I　was　always　in　a　state　of　uncertainty：　　I　could　watch　the
expression　of　her　face；　and　speculate　on　its　meaning；　I　could　ask
for　her　opinion　with　the　real　interest　of　ignorance；　I　could　listen
for　her　words　and　watch　for　her　smile　with　hope　and　fear：　　she　had
for　me　the　fascination　of　an　unravelled　destiny。　　I　say　it　was　this
fact　that　chiefly　determined　the　strong　effect　she　produced　on　me：
for；　in　the　abstract；　no　womanly　character　could　seem　to　have　less
affinity　for　that　of　a　shrinking；　romantic；　passionate　youth　than
Bertha's。　　She　was　keen；　sarcastic；　unimaginative；　prematurely
cynical；　remaining　critical　and　unmoved　in　the　most　impressive
scenes；　inclined　to　dissect　all　my　favourite　poems；　and　especially
contemptous　towards　the　German　lyrics　which　were　my　pet　literature
at　that　time。　　To　this　moment　I　am　unable　to　define　my　feeling
towards　her：　　it　was　not　ordinary　boyish　admiration；　for　she　was
the　very　opposite；　even　to　the　colour　of　her　hair；　of　the　ideal
woman　who　still　remained　to　me　the　type　of　loveliness；　and　she　was
without　that　enthusiasm　for　the　great　and　good；　which；　even　at　the
moment　of　her　strongest　dominion　over　me；　I　should　have　declared　to
be　the　highest　element　of　character。　　But　there　is　no　tyranny　more
complete　than　that　which　a　self…centred　negative　nature　exercises
over　a　morbidly　sensitive　nature　perpetually　craving　sympathy　and
support。　　The　most　independent　people　feel　the　effect　of　a　man's
silence　in　heightening　their　value　for　his　opinionfeel　an
additional　triumph　in　conquering　the　reverence　of　a　critic
habitually　captious　and　satirical：　　no　wonder；　then；　that　an
e