the price she paid-第68章

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even　to　win　fame　and　applause。　　She　had　one　object　to　earn　her　living　on　the　grand　opera　stage；　and　to　earn　it　as　a　prima　donna　because　that　meant　the　best　living。　　She　frankly　told　Cyrilla　that　this　was　her　object；　when　Cyrilla　forced　her　one　day　to　talk　about　her　aims。　　Cyrilla　looked　pained；　broke　a　melancholy　silence　to　say：

‘‘I　know　you　don't　mean　that。　　You　are　too　intelligent。　　You　sing　too　well。''

‘‘Yes；　I　mean　just　that；''　said　Mildred。　　‘‘A　living。''

‘‘At　any　rate；　don't　say　it。　　You　give　such　a　false　impression。''

‘‘To　whom？　　Not　to　Crossley；　and　not　to　Moldini；　and　why　should　I　care　what　any　others　think？　　They　are　not　paying　my　expenses。　　And　regardless　of　what　they　think　now；　they'll　be　at　my　feet　if　I　succeed；　and　they'll　put　me　under　theirs　if　I　don't。''

‘‘How　hard　you　have　grown；''　cried　Cyrilla。

‘‘How　sensible；　you　mean。　　I've　merely　stopped　being　a　self…deceiver　and　a　sentimentalist。''

‘‘Believe　me；　my　dear；　you　are　sacrificing　your　character　to　your　ambition。''

‘‘I　never　had　any　real　character　until　ambition　came；''　replied　Mildred。　　‘‘The　soft；　vacillating；　sweet　and　weak　thing　I　used　to　have　wasn't　character。''

‘‘But；　dear；　you　can't　think　it　superior　character　to　center　one's　whole　life　about　a　sordid　ambition。''

‘‘Sordid？''

‘‘Merely　to　make　a　living。''

Mildred　laughed　merrily　and　mockingly。　　‘‘You　call　that　sordid？　　Then　for　heaven's　sake　what　is　high？　You　had　left　you　money　enough　to　live　on；　if　you　have　to。　　No　one　left　me　an　income。　　So；　I'm　fighting　for　independenceand　that　means　for　self…respect。　　Is　self…respect　sordid；　Cyrilla！''

And　then　Cyrilla　understoodin　part；　not　altogether。　She　lived　in　the　ordinary　environment　of　flap…　doodle　and　sweet　hypocrisy　and　sentimentality；　and　none　such　can　more　than　vaguely　glimpse　the　realities。

Toward　the　end　of　the　summer　Moldini　said：

‘‘It's　over。　　You　have　won。''

Mildred　looked　at　him　in　puzzled　surprise。

‘‘You　have　learned　it　all。　　You　will　succeed。　　The　rest　is　detail。''

‘‘But　I've　learned　nothing　as　yet；''　protested　she。

‘‘You　have　learned　to　teach　yourself；''　replied　the　Italian。　　‘‘You　at　last　can　hear　yourself　sing；　and　you　know　when　you　sing　right　and　when　you　sing　wrong；　and　you　know　how　to　sing　right。　　The　rest　is　easy。　Ah；　my　dear　Miss　Gower；　you　will　work　NOW！''

Mildred　did　not　understand。　　She　was　even　daunted　by　that　‘‘You　will　work　NOW！''　　She　had　been　thinking　that　to　work　harder　was　impossible。　　What　did　he　expect　of　her？　　Something　she　feared　she　could　not　realize。　But　soon　she　understoodwhen　he　gave　her　songs；　then　began　to　teach　her　a　role；　the　part　of　Madame　Butterfly　herself。　　‘‘I　can　help　you　only　a　little　there；''　he　said。　　‘‘You　will　have　to　go　to　my　friend　Ferreri　for　roles。　　But　we　can　make　a　beginning。''

She　had　indeed　won。　　She　had　passed　from　the　stage　where　a　career　is　all　drudgerythe　stage　through　which　only　the　strong　can　pass　without　giving　up　and　accepting　failure　or　small　success。　　She　had　passed　to　the　stage　where　there　is　added　pleasure　to　the　drudgery；　for；　the　drudgery　never　ceases。　　And　what　was　the　pleasure？　　Why；　more　workalways　workbringing　into　use　not　merely　the　routine　parts　of　the　mind；　but　also　the　imaginative　and　creative　faculties。　　She　had　learned　her　tradenot　well　enough；　for　no　superior　man　or　woman　ever　feels　that　he　or　she　knows　the　trade　well　enoughbut　well　enough　to　begin　to　use　it。

Said　Moldini：　　‘‘When　the　great　one；　who　has　achieved　and　arrived；　is　asked　for　advice　by　the　sweet；　enthusiastic　young　beginner；　what　is　the　answer？　Always　the　same：　　‘My　dear　child；　don't！　　Go　back　home；　and　marry　and　have　babies。'　　You　know　why　now？''

And　Mildred；　looking　back　over　the　dreary　drudgery　that　had　been；　and　looking　forward　to　the　drudgery　yet　to　come；　dreary　enough　for　all　the　prospects　of　a　few　flowers　and　a　little　sunMildred　said：　　‘‘Indeed　I　do；　maestro。''

‘‘They　think　it　means　what　you　Americans　call　moralsas　if　that　were　all　of　morality！　　But　it　doesn't　mean　morals；　not　at　all。　　Sex　and　the　game　of　sex　is　all　through　life　everywherein　the　home　no　less　than　in　the　theater。　　In　town　and　country；　indoors　and　out；　sunlight；　moonlight；　and　rainalways　it　goes　on。　And　the　temptations　and　the　struggles　are　no　more　and　no　less　on　the　stage　than　off。　　No；　there　is　too　much　talk　about　‘morals。'　　The　reason　the　great　one　says　‘don't'　is　the　work。''　　He　shook　his　head　sadly。　‘‘They　do　not　realize；　those　eager　young　beginners。　They　read　the　story…books　and　the　lives　of　the　great　successes　and　they　hear　the　foolish　chatter　of　common…　place　peoplethose　imbecile　‘cultured'　people　who　know　nothing！　　And　they　think　a　career　is　a　triumphal　march。　　What　think　you；　Miss　Gowereh？''

‘‘If　I　had　known　I'd　not　have　had　the　courage；　or　the　vanity；　to　begin；''　said　she。　　‘‘And　if　I　could　realize　what's　before　me；　I　probably　shouldn't　have　the　courage　to　go　on。''

‘‘But　why　not？　　Haven't　you　also　learned　that　it's　just　the　day's　work；　doing　every　day　the　best　you　can？''

‘‘Oh；　I　shall　go　on；''　rejoined　she。

‘‘Yes；''　said　he；　looking　at　her　with　awed　admiration。　‘‘It　is　in　your　face。　　I　saw　it　there；　the　day　you　cameafter　you　sang　the　‘Batti　Batti'　the　first　time　and　failed。''

‘‘There　was　nothing　to　me　then。''

‘‘The　seed；''　replied　he。　　‘‘And　I　saw　it　was　an　acorn；　not　the　seed　of　one　of　those　weak　plants　that　spring　up　overnight　and　wither　at　noon。　　Yes；　you　will　win。''　He　laughed　gayly；　rolled　his　eyes　and　kissed　his　fingers。　‘‘And　then　you　can　afford　to　take　a　little　holiday；　and　fall　in　love。　　Love！　　Ah；　it　is　a　joyous　pastime　for　a　holiday。　　Only　for　a　holiday；　mind　you。　　I　shall　be　there　and　I　shall　seize　you　and　take　you　back　to　your　art。''


In　the　following　winter　and　summer　Crossley　disclosed　why　he　had　been　sufficiently　interested　in　grand　opera　to　begin　to　back　undeveloped　voices。　　Crossley　was　one　of　those　men　who　are　never　so　practical　as　when　they　profess　to　be；　and　fancy　themselves；　impractical。　He　became　a　grand…opera　manager　and　organized　for　a　season　that　would　surpass　in　interest　any　New　York　had　known。　　Thus　it　came　about　that　on　a　March　night　Mildred　made　her　debut。

The　opera　was　‘‘Faust。''　　As　the　three　principal　men　singers　were　all　expensivethe　tenor　alone；　twelve　hundred　a　nightCrossley　put　in　a　comparatively　modestly　salaried　Marguerite。　　She　was　seized　with　a　cold　at　the　last　moment；　and　Crossley　ventured　to　substitute　Mildred　Gower。　　The　Rivi　system　was　still　in　force。　　She　was　readyindeed；　she　was　always　ready；　as　Rivi　herself　had　been。　　And　within　ten　minutes　of　her　coming　forth　from　the　wings；　Mildred　Gower　had　leaped　from　obscurity　into　fame。　　It　happens　so；　often　in　the　story　books；　the　newly　gloriously　arrived　one　having　been　wholly　unprepared；　achieving　by　sheer　force　of　genius。　　It　occurs　so；　occasionally；　in　lifenever　when　there　is　lack　of　preparation；　never　by　force　of　unassisted　genius；　never　by　accident。　　Mildred　succeeded　because　she　had　got　ready　to　succeed。　　How　could　she　have　failed？

Perhaps　you　read　the　stories　in　the　newspapers　how　she　had　discovered　herself　possessed　of　a　marvelous　voice；　how　she　had　decided　to　use　it　in　public；　how　she　had　coached　for　a　part；　had　appeared；　had　become　one　of　the　world's　few　hundred　great　singers　all　in　a　single　act　of　an　opera。　　You　read　nothing　about　what　she　went　through　in　developing　a　hopelessly　uncertain　and　far　from　strong　voice　into　one　which；　while　not　nearly　so　good　as　thousands　of　voices　that　are　tried　and　cast　aside；　yet　sufficed；　with　her　will　and　her　concentration　back　of　it；　to　carry　her　to　fameand　wealth。

That　birdlike　voice！　　So　sweet　and　spontaneous；　so　true；　so　like　the　bird　that　‘‘sings　of　summer　in　full　throated　ease！''　　No　wonder　the　audience　welcomed　it　with　cheers　on　cheers。　　Greater　voices　they　had　heard；　but　none　more　naturaland　that　was　Moldini。

He　came　to　her　dressing…room　at　the　intermission。　He　stretched　out　his　arms；　but　emotion　overcame　him；　and　he　dropped　to　a　chair　and　sobbed　and　cried　and　laughed。　　She　came　and　put　her　arms　round　him　and　kissed　him。　　She　was　almost　calm。　　The　GREAT　fear　had　seized　herCan　I　keep　what　I　have　won？

‘‘I　am　a　fool；''　cried　Moldini。　　‘‘I　will　agitate　you。''

‘‘Don't　be　afraid　of　that；''　said