the price she paid-第56章

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Mildred　was　moved；　herself。　　Not　so　much　as　Mrs。　Brindley　because　she　had　the　necessities　of　her　career　gripping　her　and　claiming　the　strongest　feelings　there　were　in　her。　　Also；　she　was　much　the　younger；　not　merely　in　years　but　in　experience。　　And　separations　have　no　real　poignancy　in　them　for　youth

‘‘Yes；　I　know　you　love　me；''　said　Cyrilla；　‘‘but　love　doesn't　mean　to　you　what　it　means　to　me。　　I'm　in　that　middle　period　of　life　where　everything　has　its　fullest　meaning。　　In　youth　we're　easily　consoled　and　distracted　because　life　seems　so　full　of　possibilities；　and　we　can't　believe　friendship　and　love　are　rare；　and　still　more　rarely　worth　while。　　In　old　age；　when　the　arteries　harden　and　the　blood　flows　slow　and　cold；　we　become　indifferent。　But　between　thirty…five　and　fifty…five　how　the　heart　can　ache！''　　She　smiled；　with　trembling　lips。　　‘‘And　how　it　can　rejoice！''　she　cried　bravely。　　‘‘I　must　not　forget　to　mention　that。　　Ah；　my　dear；　you　must　learn　to　live　intensely。　　If　I　had　had　your　chance！''

‘‘Ridiculous！''　laughed　Mildred。　　‘‘You　talk　like　an　old　woman。　　And　I　never　think　of　you　as　older　than　myself。''

‘‘I　AM　an　old　woman；''　said　Cyrilla。　　And；　with　a　tightening　at　the　heart　Mildred　saw；　deep　in　the　depths　of　her　eyes；　the　look　of　old　age。　　‘‘I've　found　that　I'm　too　old　for　lovefor　man…and…woman　loveand　that　means　I'm　an　old　woman。''

Mildred　felt　that　there　was　only　a　thin　barrier　of　reserve　between　her　and　some　sad　secret　of　this　strange；　shy；　loving　woman'sa　barrier　so　thin　that　she　could　almost　hear　the　stifled　moan　of　a　broken　heart。　　But　the　barrier　remained；　it　would　have　been　impossible　for　Cyrilla　Brindley　to　talk　frankly　about　herself。

When　Mildred　came　out　of　her　room　the　next　morning；　Cyrilla　had　gone；　leaving　a　note：


I　can't　bear　good…bys。　　Besides；　we'll　see　each　other　very　soon。　　Forgive　me　for　shrinking；　but　really　I　can't。


Before　night　Mildred　was　settled　in　the　new　place　and　the　new　room；　with　no　sense　of　strangeness。　　She　was　reproaching　herself　for　hardness；　for　not　caring　about　Cyrilla；　the　best　and　truest　friend　she　had　ever　had。　But　the　truth　lay　in　quite　a　different　direction。　　The　house；　the　surroundings；　where　she　had　lived　luxuriously；　dreaming　her　foolish　and　fatuous　dreams；　was　not　the　place　for　such　a　struggle　as　was　now　upon　her。　And　for　that　struggle　she　preferred；　to　sensitive；　sober；　refined；　impractical　Cyrilla　Brindley；　the　companionship　and　the　sympathy；　the　practical　sympathy；　of　Agnes　Belloc。　　No　one　need　be　ashamed　or　nervous　before　Agnes　Belloc　about　being　poor　or　unsuccessful　or　having　to　resort　to　shabby　makeshifts　or　having　to　endure　coarse　contacts。　　Cyrilla　represented　refinement；　appreciation　of　the　finished　workluxurious　and　sterile　appreciation　and　enjoyment。　　Agnes　represented　the　workshopwhere　all　the　doers　of　all　that　is　done　live　and　work。　　Mildred　was　descending　from　the　heights　where　live　those　who　have　graduated　from　the　lot　of　the　human　race　and　have　lost　all　that　superficial　or　casual　resemblance　to　that　race。　　She　was　going　down　to　live　with　the　race；　to　share　in　its　lot。　　She　was　glad　Agnes　Belloc　was　to　be　there。

Generalizing　about　such　a　haphazard　conglomerate　as　human　nature　is　highly　unsatisfactory；　but　it　may　be　cautiously　ventured　that　in　New　England；　as　in　old　England；　there　is　a　curiously　contradictory　way　of　dealing　with　conventionality。　　Nowhere　is　conventionality　more　in　reverence；　yet　when　a　New…Englander；　man　or　woman；　happens　to　elect　to　break　with　it；　nowhere　is　the　break　so　utter　and　so　defiant。　　If　Agnes　Belloc；　cut　loose　from　the　conventions　that　had　bound　her　from　childhood　to　well　into　middle　life；　had　remained　at　home；　no　doubt　she　would　have　spent　a　large　part　of　her　nights　in　thinking　out　ways　of　employing　her　days　in　outraging　the　conventionalities　before　her　horrified　and　infuriated　neighbors。　　But　of　what　use　in　New　York　to　cuff　and　spit　upon　deities　revered　by　only　an　insignificant　classand　only　officially　revered　by　that　class？　Agnes　had　soon　seen　that　there　was　no　amusement　or　interest　whatever　in　an　enterprise　which　in　her　New　England　home　would　have　filled　her　life　to　the　brim　with　excitement。　　Also；　she　saw　that　she　was　well　into　that　time　of　life　where　the　absence　of　reputation　in　a　woman　endangers　her　comfort；　makes　her　liable　to　be　left　alone　not　despised　and　denounced；　but　simply　avoided　and　ignored。　　So　she　was　telling　Mildred　the　exact　truth。　She　had　laid　down　the　arms　she　had　taken　up　against　the　social　system；　and　had　come　inand　was　fighting　it　from　the　safer　and　wiser　inside。　　She　still　insisted　that　a　woman　had　the　same　rights　as　a　man；　but　she　took　care　to　make　it　clear　that　she　claimed　those　rights　only　for　others；　that　she　neither　exercised　them　nor　cared　for　them　for　herself。　　And　to　make　her　propaganda　the　more　effective；　she　was　not　only　circumspect　herself；　but　was　exceedingly　careful　to　be　surrounded　by　circumspect　people。　　No　one　could　cite　her　case　as　proof　that　woman　would　expand　liberty　into　license。　　In　theory　there　was　nothing　lively　that　she　did　not　look　upon　at　least　with　tolerance；　in　practice；　more　and　more　she　disliked　seeing　one　of　her　sex　do　anything　that　might　cause　the　world　to　say　‘‘woman　would　abuse　liberty　if　she　had　it。''　　‘‘Sensible　people；''　she　now　said；　‘‘do　as　they　like。　　But　they　don't　give　fools　a　chance　to　titter　and　chatter。''

Agnes　Belloc　was　typicalcertainly　of　a　large　and　growing　class　in　this　dayof　the　decay　of　ancient　temples　and　the　decline　of　the　old…fashioned　idealism　that　made　men　fancy　they　lived　nobly　because　they　professed　and　believed　nobly。　　She　had　no　ethical　standards。　　She　simply　met　each　situation　as　it　arose　and　dealt　with　it　as　common　sense　seemed　in　that　particular　instance　to　dictate。　　For　a　thousand　years　genius　has　been　striving　with　the　human　race　to　induce　it　to　abandon　its　superstitions　and　hypocrisies　and　to　defy　common　sense；　so　adaptable；　so　tolerant；　so　conducive　to　long　and　healthy　and　happy　life。　　Grossly　materialistic；　but　alluringly　comfortable。　　Whether　for　good　or　for　evil　or　for　both　good　and　evil；　the　geniuses　seem　in　a　fair　way　at　last　to　prevail　over　the　idealists；　religious　and　political。　And　Mrs。　Belloc；　without　in　the　least　realizing　it；　was　a　most　significant　sign　of　the　times。

‘‘Your　throat　seems　to　be　better　to…day；''　said　she　to　Mildred　at　breakfast。　　‘‘Those　simple　house…remedies　I　tried　on　you　last　night　seem　to　have　done　some　good。　Nothing　like　heathot　waterand　no　eating。　　The　main　thing　was　doing　without　dinner　last　night。''

‘‘My　nerves　are　quieter；''　advanced　Mildred　as　the　likelier　explanation　of　the　return　of　the　soul　of　music　to　its　seat。　　‘‘And　my　mind's　at　rest。''

‘‘Yes；　that's　good；''　said　plain　Agnes　Belloc。　　‘‘But　getting　the　stomach　straight　and　keeping　it　straight's　the　main　thing。　　My　old　grandmother　could　eat　anything　and　do　anything。　　I've　seen　her　put　in　a　glass　of　milk　or　a　saucer　of　ice…cream　on　top　of　a　tomato…salad。　The　way　she　kept　well　was；　whenever　she　began　to　feel　the　least　bit　off；　she　stopped　eating。　　Not　a　bite　would　she　touch　till　she　felt　well　again。''

Mildred；　moved　by　an　impulse　stronger　than　her　inclination；　produced　the　Keith　paper。　　‘‘I　wish　you'd　read　this；　and　tell　me　what　you　think　of　it。　　You've　got　so　much　common　sense。''

Agnes　read　it　through　to　the　end；　began　at　the　beginning　and　read　it　through　again。　　‘‘That　sounds　good　to　me；''　said　she。　　‘‘I　want　to　think　it　over。　　If　you　don't　mind　I'd　like　to　show　it　to　Miss　Blond。　　She　knows　a　lot　about　those　things。　　I　suppose　you're　going　to　see　Mr。　Crossley　to…day？that's　the　musical　manager's　name；　isn't　it？''

‘‘I'm　going　at　eleven。　　That　isn't　too　early；　is　it？''

‘‘If　I　were　you；　I'd　go　as　soon　as　I　was　dressed　for　the　street。　　And　if　you　don't　get　to　see　him；　wait　till　you　do。　　Don't　talk　to　under…staffers。　　Always　go　straight　for　the　head　man。　　You've　got　something　that's　worth　his　while。　　How　did　he　get　to　be　head　man？　Because　he　knows　a　good　thing　the　minute　he　sees　it。　　The　under　fellows　are　usually　under　because　they　are　so　taken　up　with　themselves　and　with　impressing　people　how　grand　they　are　that　they　don't　see　anything　else。　So；　when　you　talk　to　them；　you　wear　yourself　out　and　waste　your　time。''