the price she paid-第53章

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st　too　strong　for　her。　　And　if　she　had　yieldedwhat　then？　Not　such　a　repulsive　lot；　as　our　comfortable　classes　look　at　it。　　Plenty　to　eat　and　drink　and　to　wear；　servants　and　equipages　and　fine　houses　and　fine　society；　the　envy　of　her　gaping　kinda　comfortable　life　for　the　body；　a　comfortable　death　for　mind　and　heart；　slowly　and　softly　suffocated　in　luxury。　　Partly　through　knowledge　that　strongly　affected　her　character；　which　was　on　the　whole　aspiring　and　sensitive　beyond　the　average　to　the　true　and　the　beautiful；　partly　through　ignorance　that　veiled　the　future　from　her　none　too　valorous　and　hardy　heart；　she　did　not　yield　to　the　temptation。　　And　thus；　instead　of　dying；　she　began　to　live；　for　what　is　life　but　growth　in　experience；　in　strength　and　knowledge　and　capability？

A　baby　enters　the　world　screaming　with　pain。　　The　first　sensations　of　living　are　agonizing。　　It　is　the　same　with　the　birth　of　souls；　for　a　soul　is　not　really　born　until　that　day　when　it　is　offered　choice　between　life　and　death　and　chooses　life。　　In　Mildred　Gower's　case　this　birth　was　an　agony。　　She　awoke　the　following　morning　with　a　dull　headache；　a　fainting　heart；　and　a　throat　so　sore　that　she　felt　a　painful　catch　whenever　she　tried　to　swallow。　　She　used　the　spray；　she　massaged　her　throat　and　neck　vigorously。　　In　vain；　it　was　folly　to　think　of　going　where　she　might　have　to　risk　a　trial　of　her　voice　that　day。　　The　sun　was　brilliant　and　the　air　sharp　without　being　humid　or　too　cold。　　She　dressed；　breakfasted；　went　out　for　a　walk。　　The　throat　grew　worse；　then　better。　　She　returned　for　luncheon；　and　afterward　began　to　think　of　packing；　not　that　she　had　chosen　a　new　place；　but　because　she　wished　to　have　some　sort　of　a　sense　of　action。　　But　her　unhappiness　drove　her　out　againto　the　park　where　the　air　was　fine　and　she　could　walk　in　comparative　solitude。

‘‘What　a　silly　fool　I　am！''　thought　she。　　‘‘Why　did　I　do　this　in　the　worst；　the　hardest　possible　way？　　I　should　have　held　on　to　Stanley　until　I　had　a　position。　No；　I'm　such　a　poor　creature　that　I　could　never　have　done　it　in　that　way。　　I'd　simply　have　kept　on　bluffing；　fooling　myself；　putting　off　and　putting　of。　　I　had　to　jump　into　the　water　with　nobody　near　to　help　me；　or　I'd　never　have　begun　to　learn　to　swim。　　I　haven't　begun　yet。　　I　may　never　learn　to　swim。　　I　may　drown。　Yes；　I　probably　shall　drown。''

She　wandered　aimlessly　onaround　the　upper　reservoir　where　the　strong　breeze　freshened　her　through　and　through　and　made　her　feel　less　forlorn　in　spite　of　her　chicken　heart。　　She　crossed　the　bridge　at　the　lower　end　and　came　down　toward　the　East　Drive。　　A　taxicab　rushed　by；　not　so　fast；　however；　that　she　failed　to　recognize　Donald　Keith　and　Cyrilla　Brindley。　　They　were　talking　so　earnestlyKeith　was　talking；　for　a　wonder；　and　Mrs。　Brindley　listeningthat　they　did　not　see　her。　　She　went　straight　home。　　But　as　she　was　afoot；　the　journey　took　about　half　an　hour。　　Cyrilla　was　already　there；　in　a　negligee；　looking　as　if　she　had　not　been　out　of　the　little　library　for　hours。　　She　was　writing　a　letter。　　Mildred　strolled　in　and　seated　herself。　Cyrilla　went　on　writing。　　Mildred　watched　her　impatiently。　　She　wished　to　talk；　to　be　talked　to；　to　be　consoled　and　cheered；　to　hear　about　Donald　Keith。　　Would　that　letter　never　be　finished？　　At　last　it　was；　and　Cyrilla　took　a　book　and　settled　herself　to　reading。　　There　was　a　vague　something　in　her　mannera　change；　an　attitude　toward　Mildredthat　disturbed　Mildred。　　Or；　was　that　notion　of　a　change　merely　the　offspring　of　her　own　somber　mood？　　Seeing　that　Mrs。　Brindley　would　not　begin；　she　broke　the　silence　herself。　　Said　she　awkwardly：

‘‘I've　decided　to　move。　　In　fact；　I've　got　to　move。''

Cyrilla　laid　down　the　book　and　regarded　her　tran…　quilly。　　‘‘Of　course；''　said　she。　　‘‘I've　already　begun　to　arrange　for　someone　else。''

Mildred　choked；　and　the　tears　welled　into　her　eyes。　She　had　not　been　mistaken；　Cyrilla　had　changed　toward　her。　　Now　that　she　had　no　prospects　for　a　brilliant　career；　now　that　her　money　was　gone；　Cyrilla　had　begun　toto　be　human。　　No　doubt；　in　the　course　of　that　drive；　Cyrilla　had　discovered　that　Keith　had　no　interest　in　her　either。　　Mildred　beat　down　her　emotion　and　was　soon　able　to　say　in　a　voice　as　unconcerned　as　Cyrilla's：

‘‘I'll　find　a　place　to…morrow　or　next　day；　and　go　at　once。''

‘‘I'll　be　sorry　to　lose　you；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley；　‘‘but　I　agree　with　you　that　you　can't　get　settled　any　too　soon。''

‘‘You　don't　happen　to　know　of　any　cheap；　good　place？''　said　Mildred。

‘‘If　it's　cheap；　I　don't　think　it's　likely　to　be　good　in　New　York；''　replied　Cyrilla。　　‘‘You'll　have　to　put　up　with　inconveniencesand　worse。　　I'd　offer　to　help　you　find　a　place；　but　I　think　everything　self…reliant　one　does　helps　one　to　learn。　　Don't　you？''

‘‘Yes；　indeed；''　assented　Mildred。　　The　thing　was　self…evidently　true；　still　she　began　to　hate　Cyrilla。　This　cold…hearted　New　York！　　How　she　would　grind　down　her　heel　when　she　got　it　on　the　neck　of　New　York！　Friendship；　love；　helpfulnesswhat　did　New　York　and　New…Yorkers　know　of　these　things？　　‘‘Or　Hanging　Rock；　either；''　reflected　she。　　What　a　cold　and　lonely　world！

‘‘Have　you　been　to　see　about　a　position？''　inquired　Cyrilla。

Mildred　was　thrown　into　confusion。　　‘‘I　can't　go　for　aday　or　so；''　she　stammered。　　‘‘The　changeable　weather　has　rather　upset　my　throat。　　Nothing　serious；　but　I　want　to　be　at　my　best。''

‘‘Certainly；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　　Her　direct　gaze　made　Mildred　uncomfortable。　　She　went　on：　　‘‘You're　sure　it's　the　weather？''

‘‘What　else　could　it　be？''　demanded　Mildred　with　a　latent　resentment　whose　interesting　origin　she　did　not　pause　to　inquire　into。

‘‘Well；　salad；　or　sauces；　or　desserts；　or　cafe　au　lait　in　the　morning；　or　candy；　or　tea；''　said　Cyrilla。　　‘‘Or　it　might　be　cigarettes；　or　all　those　thingsand　thin　stockings　and　low　shoesmightn't　it？''

Never　before　had　she　known　Cyrilla　to　say　anything　meddlesome　or　cattish。　　Said　Mildred　with　a　faint　sneer；　‘‘That　sounds　like　Mr。　Keith's　crankiness。''

‘‘It　is；''　replied　Cyrilla。　　‘‘I　used　to　think　he　was　a　crank　on　the　subject　of　singing　and　stomachs；　and　singing　and　ankles。　　But　I've　been　convinced；　partly　by　him；　mostly　by　what　I've　observed。''

Mildred　maintained　an　icy　silence。

‘‘I　see　you　are　resenting　what　I　said；''　observed　Cyrilla。

‘‘Not　at　all；''　said　Mildred。　　‘‘No　doubt　you　meant　well。''

‘‘You　will　please　remember　that　you　asked　me　a　question。''

So　she　had。　　But　the　discovery　that　she　was　clearly　in　the　wrong；　that　she　had　invited　the　disguised　lecture；　only　aggravated　her　sense　of　resentment　against　Mrs。　Brindley。　　She　spent　the　rest　of　the　afternoon　in　sorting　and　packing　her　belongingsand　in　crying。　　She　came　upon　the　paper　Donald　Keith　had　left。　　She　read　it　through　carefully；　thoughtfully；　read　it　to　the　last　direction　as　to　exercise　with　the　machine；　the　last　arrangement　for　a　daily　routine　of　life；　the　last　suggestion　as　to　diet。

‘‘Fortunately　all　that　isn't　necessary；''　said　she　to　herself；　when　she　had　finished。　　‘‘If　it　were；　I　could　never　make　a　career。　　I'm　not　stupid　enough　to　be　able　to　lead　that　kind　of　life。　　Why；　I'd　not　care　to　make　a　career；　at　that　price。　　Slaveryplain　slavery。''

When　she　went　in　to　dinner；　she　saw　instantly　that　Cyrilla　too　had　been　crying。　　Cyrilla　did　not　look　old；　anything　but　that；　indeed　was　not　old　and　would　not　begin　to　be　for　many　a　year。　　Still；　after　thirty…five　or　forty　a　woman　cannot　indulge　a　good　cry　without　its　leaving　serious　traces　that　will　show　hours　afterward。　At　sight　of　the　evidences　of　Cyrilla's　grief　Mildred　straightway　forgot　her　resentment。　　There　must　have　been　some　other　cause　for　Cyrilla's　peculiar　conduct。　No　matter　what；　since　it　was　not　hardness　of　heart。

It　was　a　sad；　even　a　gloomy　dinner。　　But　the　two　women　were　once　more　in　perfect　sympathy。　　And　afterward　Mildred　brought　the　Keith　paper　and　asked　Cyrilla's　opinion。　　Cyrilla　read　slowly　and　without　comment。　　At　last　she　said：

‘‘He　got　this　from　his　mother；　Lucia　Rivi。　　Have　you　read　her　life？''

‘‘No。　　I've　heard　almost　nothing　about　her；　except　that　she　was　famous。''

‘‘She　was　more　than　that；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　‘‘She　was　great；　a　great　personality。　　She　was　an　almost　sickly　child　and　girl。　　Her　f