for the term of his natural life-第111章

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elf　alone；　pressed　the　gift　to　his　lips。　　North　returned　abruptly；　and　the　eyes　of　the　pair　met。　　Dawes　flushed　crimson；　but　North　turned　white　as　death。　　Neither　spoke；　but　each　was　drawn　close　to　the　other；　since　both　had　kissed　the　rosebud　plucked　by　Sylvia's　fingers。




CHAPTER　VIII。

EXTRACTED　FROM　THE　DIARY　OF　THE　REV。　JAMES　NORTH。



October　21st。I　am　safe　for　another　six　months　if　I　am　careful；　for　my　last　bout　lasted　longer　than　I　expected。　　I　suppose　one　of　these　days　I　shall　have　a　paroxysm　that　will　kill　me。　　I　shall　not　regret　it。

I　wonder　if　this　familiar　of　mineI　begin　to　detest　the　expressionwill　accuse　me　of　endeavouring　to　make　a　case　for　myself　if　I　say　that　I　believe　my　madness　to　be　a　disease？　I　do　believe　it。　　I　honestly　can　no　more　help　getting　drunk　than　a　lunatic　can　help　screaming　and　gibbering。　It　would　be　different　with　me；　perhaps；　were　I　a　contented　man；　happily　married；　with　children　about　me；　and　family　cares　to　distract　me。　But　as　I　　ama　lonely；　gloomy　being；　debarred　from　love；　devoured　by　spleen；　and　tortured　with　repressed　desiresI　become　a　living　torment　to　myself。　I　think　of　happier　men；　with　fair　wives　and　clinging　children；　of　men　who　are　loved　and　who　love；　of　Frere　for　instanceand　a　hideous　wild　beast　seems　to　stir　within　me；　a　monster；　whose　cravings　cannot　be　satisfied；　can　only　be　drowned　in　stupefying　brandy。

Penitent　and　shattered；　I　vow　to　lead　a　new　life；　to　forswear　spirits；　to　drink　nothing　but　water。　　Indeed；　the　sight　and　smell　of　brandy　make　me　ill。　All　goes　well　for　some　weeks；　when　I　grow　nervous；　discontented；　moody。　I　smoke；　and　am　soothed。　　But　moderation　is　not　to　be　thought　of；　little　by　little　I　increase　the　dose　of　tobacco。　　Five　pipes　a　day　become　six　or　seven。　　Then　I　count　up　to　ten　and　twelve；　then　drop　to　three　or　four；　then　mount　to　eleven　at　a　leap；　then　lose　count　altogether。　　Much　smoking　excites　the　brain。　　I　feel　clear；　bright；　gay。　　My　tongue　is　parched　in　the　morning；　however；　and　I　use　liquor　to　literally　〃moisten　my　clay〃。　I　drink　wine　or　beer　in　moderation；　and　all　goes　well。　　My　limbs　regain　their　suppleness；　my　hands　their　coolness；　my　brain　its　placidity。　I　begin　to　feel　that　I　have　a　will。　　I　am　confident；　calm；　and　hopeful。　To　this　condition　succeeds　one　of　the　most　frightful　melancholy。　I　remain　plunged；　for　an　hour　together；　in　a　stupor　of　despair。　The　earth；　air；　sea；　all　appear　barren；　colourless。　　Life　is　a　burden。　I　long　to　sleep；　and　sleeping　struggle　to　awake；　because　of　the　awful　dreams　which　flap　about　me　in　the　darkness。　　At　night　I　cry；　〃Would　to　God　it　were　morning！〃　In　the　morning；　〃Would　to　God　it　were　evening！〃　I　loathe　myself；　and　all　around　me。　　I　am　nerveless；　passionless；　bowed　down　with　a　burden　like　the　burden　of　Saul。　　I　know　well　what　will　restore　me　to　life　and　easerestore　me；　but　to　cast　me　back　again　into　a　deeper　fit　of　despair。　　I　drink。　　One　glassmy　blood　is　warmed；　my　heart　leaps；　my　hand　no　longer　shakes。　　Three　glassesI　rise　with　hope　in　my　soul；　the　evil　spirit　flies　from　me。　　I　continuepleasing　images　flock　to　my　brain；　the　fields　break　into　flower；　the　birds　into　song；　the　sea　gleams　sapphire；　the　warm　heaven　laughs。　　Great　God！　what　man　could　withstand　a　temptation　like　this？

By　an　effort；　I　shake　off　the　desire　to　drink　deeper；　and　fix　my　thoughts　on　my　duties；　on　my　books；　on　the　wretched　prisoners。　　I　succeed　perhaps　for　a　time；　but　my　blood；　heated　　by　the　wine　which　is　at　once　my　poison　and　my　life；　boils　in　my　veins。　　I　drink　again；　and　dream。　　I　feel　all　the　animal　within　me　stirring。　　In　the　day　my　thoughts　wander　to　all　monstrous　imaginings。　　The　most　familiar　objects　suggest　to　me　loathsome　thoughts。　　Obscene　and　filthy　images　surround　me。　　My　nature　seems　changed。　　By　day　I　feel　myself　a　wolf　in　sheep's　clothing；　a　man　possessed　by　a　devil；　who　is　ready　at　any　moment　to　break　out　and　tear　him　to　pieces。　At　night　I　become　a　satyr。　　While　in　this　torment　I　at　once　hate　and　fear　myself。　　One　fair　face　is　ever　before　me；　gleaming　through　my　hot　dreams　like　a　flying　moon　in　the　sultry　midnight　of　a　tropic　storm。　I　dare　not　trust　myself　in　the　presence　of　those　whom　I　love　and　respect；　lest　my　wild　thoughts　should　find　vent　in　wilder　words。　　I　lose　my　humanity。　I　am　a　beast。　　Out　of　this　depth　there　is　but　one　way　of　escape。　　Downwards。　I　must　drench　the　monster　I　have　awakened　until　he　sleeps　again。　I　drink　and　become　oblivious。　　In　these　last　paroxysms　there　is　nothing　for　me　but　brandy。　　I　shut　myself　up　alone　and　pour　down　my　gullet　huge　draughts　of　spirit。　　It　mounts　to　my　brain。　　I　am　a　man　again！　and　as　I　regain　my　manhood；　I　topple　overdead　drunk。

But　the　awakening！　　Let　me　not　paint　it。　　The　delirium；　the　fever；　the　self…loathing；　the　prostration；　the　despair。　　I　view　in　the　looking…glass　a　haggard　face；　with　red　eyes。　　I　look　down　upon　shaking　hands；　flaccid　muscles；　and　shrunken　limbs。　　I　speculate　if　I　shall　ever　be　one　of　those　grotesque　and　melancholy　beings；　with　bleared　eyes　and　running　noses；　swollen　bellies　and　shrunken　legs！　　Ugh！it　is　too　likely。



October　22nd。Have　spent　the　day　with　Mrs。　Frere。　　She　is　evidently　eager　to　leave　the　placeas　eager　as　I　am。　　Frere　rejoices　in　his　murderous　power；　and　laughs　at　her　expostulations。　　I　suppose　men　get　tired　of　their　wives。　In　my　present　frame　of　mind　I　am　at　a　loss　to　understand　how　a　man　could　refuse　a　wife　anything。

I　do　not　think　she　can　possibly　care　for　him。　　I　am　not　a　selfish　sentimentalist；　as　are　the　majority　of　seducers。　　I　would　take　no　woman　away　from　a　husband　for　mere　liking。　　Yet　I　think　there　are　cases　in　which　a　man　who　loved　would　be　justified　in　making　a　woman　happy　at　the　risk　of　his　ownsoul；　I　suppose。

Making　her　happy！　Ay；　that's　the　point。　　Would　she　be　happy？　　There　are　few　men　who　can　endure　to　be　〃cut〃；　slighted；　pointed　at；　and　women　suffer　more　than　men　in　these　regards。　　I；　a　grizzled　man　of　forty；　am　not　such　an　arrant　ass　as　to　suppose　that　a　year　of　guilty　delirium　can　compensate　to　a　gently…nurtured　woman　for　the　loss　of　that　social　dignity　which　constitutes　her　best　happiness。　　I　am　not　such　an　idiot　as　to　forget　that　there　may　come　a　time　when　the　woman　I　love　may　cease　to　love　me；　and　having　no　tie　of　self…respect；　social　position；　or　family　duty；　to　bind　her；　may　inflict　upon　her　seducer　that　agony　which　he　has　taught　her　to　inflict　upon　her　husband。　　Apart　from　the　question　of　the　sin　of　breaking　the　seventh　commandment；　I　doubt　if　the　worst　husband　and　the　most　unhappy　home　are　not　better；　in　this　social　condition　of　ours；　than　the　most　devoted　lover。　　A　strange　subject　this　for　a　clergyman　to　speculate　upon！　If　this　diary　should　ever　fall　into　the　hands　of　a　real　God…fearing；　honest　booby；　who　never　was　tempted　to　sin　by　finding　that　at　middle…age　he　loved　the　wife　of　another；　how　he　would　condemn　me！　And　rightly；　of　course。



November　4th。In　one　of　the　turnkey's　rooms　in　the　new　gaol　is　to　be　seen　an　article　of　harness；　which　at　first　creates　surprise　to　the　mind　of　the　beholder；　who　considers　what　animal　of　the　brute　creation　exists　of　so　diminutive　a　size　as　to　admit　of　its　use。　　On　inquiry；　it　will　be　found　to　be　a　bridle；　perfect　in　head…band；　throat…lash；　etc。；　for　a　human　being。　There　is　attached　to　this　bridle　a　round　piece　of　cross　wood；　of　almost　four　inches　in　length；　and　one　and　a　half　in　diameter。　This　again；　is　secured　to　a　broad　strap　of　leather　to　cross　the　mouth。　In　the　wood　there　is　a　small　hole；　and；　when　used；　the　wood　is　inserted　in　the　mouth；　the　small　hole　being　the　only　breathing　space。　This　being　secured　with　the　various　straps　and　buckles；　a　more　complete　bridle　could　not　be　well　imagined。

I　was　in　the　gaol　last　evening　at　eight　o'clock。　　I　had　been　to　see　Rufus　Dawes；　and　returning；　paused　for　a　moment　to　speak　to　Hailey。　Gimblett；　who　robbed　Mr。　Vane　of　two　hundred　pounds；　was　present；　he　was　at　that　time　a　turnkey；　holding　a　third…class　pass；　and　in　receipt　of　two　shillings　per　diem。　　Everything　was　quite　still。　　I　could　not　help　remarking　how　quiet　the　gaol　was；　when　Gimblett　said；　〃There's　someone　speaking。　　I　know　who　that　is。〃　And　forthwith　took　from　its　pegs　one　of　the　bridles　just　described；　and　a　pair　of　handcuffs。

I　followed