april hopes-第69章

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themselves；　they　said　nothing　to　him　about　Alice。　　His　mother　appeared　to
have　finished　with　the　matter　the　first　night；　she　had　her　theory；　and　she
did　it　justice；　and　when　Mrs。　Mavering　had　once　done　a　thing　justice；　she
did　not　bring　it　up　again　unless　somebody　disputed　it。　　But　nobody　had
defended　Mrs。　Pasmer　after　Dan's　feeble　protest　in　her　behalf；　Mrs。
Mavering's　theory　was　accepted　with　obedience　if　not　conviction；　the　whole
affair　dropped；　except　between　Dan　and　his　father。

Dan　was　certainly　not　so　gay　as　he　used　to　be；　he　was　glad　to　find　that　he
was　not　so　gay。　　There　had　been　a　sort　of　mercy　in　the　suddenness　of　the
shock；　it　benumbed　him；　and　the　real　stress　and　pain　came　during　the　long
weeks　that　followed；　when　nothing　occurred　to　vary　the　situation　in　any
manner；　he　did　not　hear　a　word　about　Alice　from　Boston；　nor　any　rumour　of
her　people。

At　first　he　had　intended　to　go　back　with　Boardman　and　face　it　out；　but
there　seemed　no　use　in　this；　and　when　it　came　to　the　point　he　found　it
impossible。　　Boardman　went　back　alone；　and　he　put　Dan's　things　together　in
his　rooms　at　Boston　and　sent　them　to　him；　so　that　Dan　remained　at　home。

He　set　about　helping　his　father　at　the　business　with　unaffected　docility。
He　tried　not　to　pose；　and　he　did　his　best　to　bear　his　loss　and　humiliation
with　manly　fortitude。　　But　his　whole　life　had　not　set　so　strongly　in　one
direction　that　it　could　be　sharply　turned　aside　now；　and　not　in　moments　of
forgetfulness　press　against　the　barriers　almost　to　bursting。　　Now　and
then；　when　he　came　to　himself　from　the　wonted　tendency；　and　remembered
that　Alice　and　he；　who　had　been　all　in　all　to　each　other；　were　now
nothing；　the　pain　was　so　sharp；　so　astonishing；　that　he　could　not　keep
down　a　groan；　which　he　then　tried　to　turn　off　with　a　cough；　or　a　snatch　of
song；　or　a　whistle；　looking　wildly　round　to　see　if　any　one　had　noticed。

Once　this　happened　when　his　father　and　he　were　walking　silently　home　from
the　works；　and　his　father　said；　without　touching　him　or　showing　his
sympathy　except　in　his　tone　of　humorously　frank　recognition；　〃Does　it
still　hurt　a　little　occasionally；　Dan？〃

〃Yes；　sir；　it　hurts；〃　said　the　son；　and　he　turned　his　face　aside；　and
whistled　through　his　teeth。

〃Well；　it's　a　trial；　I　suppose；〃　said　his　father；　with　his　gentle；　soft
half…lisp。　　〃But　there　are　greater　trials。〃

〃How；　greater？〃　asked　Dan；　with　sad　incredulity。　　〃I've　lost　all　that　made
life　worth　living；　and　it's　all　my　own　fault；　too。〃

〃Yes；〃　said　his　father；　〃I　think　she　was　a　good　girl。〃

〃Good！〃　cried　Dan；　the　word　seemed　to　choke　him。

〃Still；　I　doubt　if　it's　all　your　fault。〃　　Dan　looked　round　at　him。　　He
added；　〃And　I　think　it's　perhaps　for　the　best　as　it　is。〃

Dan　halted；　and　then　said；　〃Oh；　I　suppose　so；〃　with　dreary　resignation；　as
they　walked　on。

〃Let　us　go　round　by　the　paddock；〃　said　his　father；　〃and　see　if　Pat's　put
the　horses　up　yet。　　You　can　hardly　remember　your　mother；　before　she　became
an　invalid；　I　suppose；〃　he　added；　as　Dan　mechanically　turned　aside　with
him　from　the　path　that　led　to　the　house　into　that　leading　to　the　barn。

〃No；　I　was　such　a　little　fellow；〃　said　Dan。

〃Women　give　up　a　great　deal　when　they　marry；〃　said　the　elder。　　〃It's　not
strange　that　they　exaggerate　the　sacrifice；　and　expect　more　in　return　than
it's　in　the　nature　of　men　to　give　them。　　I　should　have　been　sorry　to　have
you　marry　a　woman　of　an　exacting　disposition。〃

〃I'm　afraid　she　was　exacting；〃　said　Dan。　　〃But　she　never　asked　more　than
was　right。〃

〃And　it's　difficult　to　do　all　that's　right；〃　suggested　the　elder。

〃I'm　sure　you　always　have；　father；〃　said　the　son。

The　father　did　not　respond。　　〃I　wish　you　could　remember　your　mother　when
she　was　well；〃　he　said。　　　Presently　he　added；　〃I　think　it　isn't　best　for　a
woman　to　be　too　much　in　love　with　her　husband。〃

Dan　took　this　to　himself；　and　he　laughed　harshly。　　〃She's　been　able　to
dissemble　her　love　at　last。〃

His　father　went　on；　〃Women　keep　the　romantic　feeling　longer　than　men；　it
dies　out　of　us　very　soonperhaps　too　soon。〃


〃You　think　I　couldn't　have　come　to　time？〃　asked　Dan。　　〃Well；　as　it's
turned　out；　I　won't　have　to。〃

〃No　man　can　be　all　a　woman　wishes　him　to　be；〃　said　his　father。　　〃It's
better　for　the　disappointment　to　come　before　it's　too　late。〃

〃I　was　to　blame；〃　said　Dan　stoutly。　　〃She　was　all　right。〃

〃You　were　to　blame　in　the　particular　instance；〃　his　father　answered。　　〃But
in　general　the　fault　was　in　heror　her　temperament。　　As　long　as　the
romance　lasted　she　might　have　deluded　herself；　and　believed　you　were　all
she　imagined　you；　but　romance　can't　last；　even　with　women。　　I　don　like
your　faults；　and　I　don't　want　you　to　excuse　them　to　yourself。　　I　don't
like　your　chancing　things；　and　leaving　them　to　come　out　all　right　of
themselves；　but　I've　always　tried　to　make　you　children　see　all　your
qualities　in　their　true　proportion　and　relation。〃

〃Yes；　I　know　that；　sir；〃　said　Dan。

〃Perhaps；〃　continued　his　father；　as　they　swung　easily　along；　shoulder　to
shoulder；　〃I　may　have　gone　too　far　in　that　direction　because　I　was　afraid
that　you　might　take　your　mother　too　seriously　in　the　otherthat　you　might
not　understand　that　she　judged　you　from　her　nerves　and　not　her
convictions。　　It's　part　of　her　malady；　of　her　suffering；　that　her
inherited　Puritanism　clouds　her　judgment；　and　makes　her　see　all　faults　as
of　one　size　and　equally　damning。　　I　wish　you　to　know　that　she　was　not
always　so；　but　was　once　able　to　distinguish　differences　in　error；　and　to
realise　that　evil　is　of　ill…will。〃

〃Yes；　I　know　that；〃　said　Dan。　　〃She　is　nowwhen　she　feels　well。〃

〃Harm　comes　from　many　things；　but　evil　is　of　the　heart。　　I　wouldn't　have
you　condemn　yourself　too　severely　for　harm　that　you　didn't　intendthat's
remorsethat's　insanity；　and　I　wouldn't　have　you　fall　under　the
condemnation　of　another's　invalid　judgment。〃

〃Thank　you；　father；〃　said　Dan。

They　had　come　up　to　the　paddock　behind　the　barn；　and　they　laid　their　arms
on　the　fence　while　they　looked　over　at　the　horses；　which　were　still　there。
The　beasts；　in　their　rough　winter　coats；　some　bedaubed　with　frozen　clots
of　the　mud　in　which　they　had　been　rolling　earlier　in　the　afternoon；　stood
motionless　in　the　thin；　keen　breeze　that　crept　over　the　hillside　from　the
March　sunset；　and　blew　their　manes　and　tails　out　toward　Dan　and　his
father。　　Dan's　pony　sent　him　a　gleam　of　recognition　from　under　his　frowsy
bangs；　but　did　not　stir。

〃Bunch　looks　like　a　caterpillar；〃　he　said；　recalling　the　time　when　his
father　had　given　him　the　pony；　he　was　a　boy　then；　and　the　pony　was　as　much
to　him；　it　went　through　his　mind；　as　Alice　had　ever　been。　　Was　it　all　a
jest；　an　irony？　he　asked　himself。

〃He's　getting　pretty　old；〃　said　his　father。　　〃Let's　see：　you　were　only
twelve。〃

〃Ten；〃　said　Dan。　　〃We've　had　him　thirteen　years。〃

Some　of　the　horses　pricked　up　their　ears　at　the　sound　of　their　voices。
One　of　them　bit　another's　neck；　the　victim　threw　up　his　heels　and
squealed。

Pat　called　from　the　stable；　〃Heigh；　you　divils！〃

〃I　think　he'd　better　take　them　in；〃　said　Dan's　father；　and　he　continued；
as　if　it　were　all　the　same　subject；　〃I　hope　you'll　have　seen　something
more　of　the　world　before　you　fall　in　love　the　next　time。〃

〃Thank　you；　there　won't　be　any　next　time。　　But　do　you　consider　the　world
such　a　school　of　morals；　then？　　I　supposed　it　was　a　very　bad　place。〃

〃We　seem　to　have　been　all　born　into　it；〃　said　the　father。　　He　lifted　his
arms　from　the　fence；　and　Dan　mechanically　followed　him　into　the　stable。
A　warm；　homely　smell　of　hay　and　of　horses　filled　the　place；　a　lantern
glimmered；　a　faint　blot；　in　the　loft　where　Pat　was　pitching　some　hay
forward　to　the　edge　of　the　boards；　the　naphtha　gas　weakly　flared　from　the
jets　beside　the　harness…room；　whence　a　smell　of　leather　issued　and　mingled
with　the　other　smell。　　The　simple；　earthy　wholesomeness　of　the　place
appealed　to　Dan　and　comforted　him。　　The　hay　began　to　tumble　from　the　loft
with　a　pleasant　rustling　sound。

His　father　called　up　to　Pat；　〃I　think　you'd　better　take　the　horses　in
now。〃

〃Yes；　sir：　I've　got　the　box…stalls　ready　for　'em。〃

Dan　remembered　how　he　and　Eunice　used　to　get　into　the　box