april hopes-第65章

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sense　of　escape；　of　liberation；　which；　however　he　might　silence　and　disown
it；　was　still　there。　　He　could　not　help　being　aware　that　he　had　long
relinquished　tastes　customs；　purposes；　ideals；　to　gain　a　peace　that　seemed
more　and　more　fleeting　and　uncertain；　and　that　he　had　submitted　to　others
which；　now　that　the　moment　of　giving　pleasure　by　his　submission　was　past；
he　recognised　as　disagreeable。　　He　felt　a　sort　of　guilt　in　his
enlargement；　he　knew；　by　all　that　he　had；　ever　heard　or　read　of　people　in
his　position；　that　he　ought　to　be　altogether　miserable；　and　yet　this
consciousness　of　relief　persisted。　　He　told　himself　that　a　very　tragical
thing　had　befallen　him；　that　this　broken　engagement　was　the　ruin　of　his
life　and　the　end　of　his　youth；　and　that　he　must　live　on　an　old　and　joyless
man；　wise　with　the　knowledge　that　comes　to　decrepitude　and　despair；　he
imagined　a　certain　look　for　himself；　a　gait；　a　name；　that　would　express
this；　but　all　the　same　he　was　aware　of　having　got　out　of　something。　　Was
it　a　bondage；　a　scrape；　as　Boardman　called　it？　　He　thought　he　must　be　a
very　light；　shallow；　and　frivolous　nature　not　to　be　utterly　broken　up　by
his　disaster。

〃I　don't　know　what　I'm　going　home　for；〃　he　said　hoarsely　to　Boardman。

〃Kind　of　a　rest；　I　suppose；〃　suggested　his　friend。

〃Yes；　I　guess　that's　it；〃　said　Dan。　　〃I'm　tired。〃

It　seemed　to　him　that　this　was　rather　fine；　it　was　a　fatigue　of　the　soul
that　he　was　to　rest　from。　　He　remembered　the　apostrophic　close　of　a　novel
in　which　the　heroine　dies　after　much　emotional　suffering。　　〃Quiet；　quiet
heart！〃　he　repeated　to　himself。　　Yes；　he　too　had　died　to　hope；　to　love；　to
happiness。

As　they　drew　near　their　journey's　end　he　said；　〃I　don't　know　how　I'm　going
to　break　it　to　them。〃

〃Oh；　probably　break　itself；〃　said　Boardman。　　〃These　things　usually　do。〃

〃Yes；　of　course；〃　Dan　assented。

〃Know　from　your　looks　that　something's　up。　　Or　you　might　let　me　go　ahead　a
little　and　prepare　them。〃

Dan　laughed。　　〃It　was　awfully　good　of　you　to　come；　Boardman。　　I　don't　know
what　I　should　have　done　without　you。〃

〃Nothing　I　like　more　than　these　little　trips。　　Brightens　you　up　to　sere
the　misery　of　others；　makes　you　feel　that　you're　on　peculiarly　good　terms
with　Providence。　　Haven't　enjoyed　myself　so　much　since　that　day　in
Portland。〃　　Boardman's　eyes　twinkled。

〃Yes；〃　said　Dan；　with　a　deep　sigh；　〃it's　a　pity　it　hadn't　ended　there。〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　know。　　You　won't　have　to　go　through　with　it　again。　　Something
that　had　to　come；　wasn't　it？　　Never　been　satisfied　if　you　hadn't　tried　it。
Kind　of　aching　void　before；　and　now　you've　got　enough。〃

〃Yes；　I've　got　enough；〃　said　Dan；　〃if　that's　all。〃

When　they　got　out　of　the　train　at　Ponkwasset　Falls；　and　the　conductor　and
the　brakeman；　who　knew　Dan　as　his　father's　son；　and　treated　him　with　the
distinction　due　a　representative　of　an　interest　valued　by　the　road；　had
bidden　him　a　respectfully　intimate　good…night；　and　he　began　to　climb　the
hill　to　his　father's　house；　he　recurred　to　the　difficulty　before　him　in
breaking　the　news　to　his　family。　　〃I　wish　I　could　have　it　over　in　a　flash。
I　wish　I'd　thought　to　telegraph　it　to　them。〃

〃Wouldn't　have　done；〃　said　Boardman。　　〃It　would　have　given　'em　time　to
formulate　questions　and　conjectures；　and　now　the　astonishment　will　take
their　breath　away　till　you　can　get　your　second　wind；　and　thenyou'll　be
all　right。〃

〃You　think　so？〃　asked　Dan　submissively。

〃Know　so。　　You　see；　if　you　could　have　had　it　over　in　a　flash；　it　would
have　knocked　you　flat。　　But　now　you've　taken　all　the　little　steps；　and
you've　got　a　lot　more　to　take；　and　you're　all　braced　up。　　See？　　You're
like　rock；　nowadamant。〃　　Dan　laughed　in　forlorn　perception　of　Boardman's
affectionate　irony。　　〃Little　steps　are　the　thing。　　You'll　have　to　go　in
now　and　meet　your　family；　and　pass　the　time　of　day　with　each　one；　and　talk
about　the　weather；　and　account　for　my　being　along；　and　ask　how　they　all
are；　and　by　the　time　you've　had　dinner；　and　got　settled　with　your　legs　out
in　front　of　the　fire；　you'll　be　just　in　the　mood　for　it。　　Enjoy　telling
them　all　about　it。〃

〃Don't；　Boardman；〃　pleaded　Dan。　　〃Boardy；　I　believe　if　I　could　get　in　and
up　to　my　room　without　anybody's　seeing　me；　I'd　let　you　tell　them。　　There
don't　seem　to　be　anybody　about；　and　I　think　we　could　manage　it。〃

〃It　wouldn't　work；〃　said　Boardman。　　〃Got　to　do　it　yourself。〃

〃Well；　then；　wait　a　minute；〃　said　Dan　desperately；　and　Boardman　knew　that
he　was　to　stay　outside　while　Dan　reconnoitred　the　interior。　　Dan　opened
one　door　after　another　till　he　stood　within　the　hot　brilliantly　lighted
hall。　　Eunice　Mavering　was　coming　down　the　stairs；　hooded　and　wrapped　for
a　walk　on　the　long　verandahs　before　supper。

〃Dan！〃　she　cried。

〃It's　all　up；　Eunice；〃　he　said　at　once；　as　if　she　had　asked　him　about　it。
〃My　engagement's　off。〃

〃Oh；　I'm　so　glad！〃　　She　descended　upon　him　with　outstretched　arms；　but
stopped　herself　before　she　reached　him。　　〃It's　a　hoax。　　What　do　you　mean？
Do　you　really　mean　it；　Dan？〃

〃I　guess　I　mean　it。　　But　don'tHold　on！　　Where's　Minnie？〃

Eunice　turned；　and　ran　back　upstairs。　　〃Minnie！　　Min！〃　she　called　on　her
way。　　〃Dan's　engagement's　off。〃

〃I　don't　believe　it！〃　answered　Minnie's　voice　joyously；　from　within　some
room。　　It　was　followed　by　her　presence；　with　successive　inquiries。　　〃How
do　you　know？〃　Did　you　get　a　letter？　　When　did　it　happen？　　Oh；　isn't　it　too
good？〃

Minnie　was　also　dressed　for　the　verandah　promenade；　which　they　always　took
when　the　snow　was　too　deep。　　She　caught　sight　of　her　brother　as　she　came
down。　　〃Why；　Dan's　here！　　Dan；　I've　been　thinking　about　you　all　day。〃　　She
kissed　him；　which　Eunice　was　now　reminded　to　do　too。

〃Yes；　it's　true；　Minnie；〃　said　Dan　gravely。　　〃I　came　up　to　tell　you。　　It
don't　seem　to　distress　you　much。〃

〃Dan！〃　said　his　sister　reproachfully。　　〃You　know　I　didn't　mean　to　say
anything　I　only　felt　so　glad　to　have　you　back　again。〃

〃I　understand；　MinnieI　don't　dame　you。　　It's　all　right。　　How's　mother？〃
Father　up　from　the　works　yet？　　I'm　going　to　my　room。〃

〃Indeed　you're　not！〃　cried　Eunice；　with　elder　sisterly　authority。　　〃You
shall　tell　us　about　it　first。〃

〃Oh　no！　　Let　him　go；　Eunice！〃　pleaded　Minnie；　〃Poor　Dan！　　And　I　don't
think　we　ought　to　go　to　walk　when〃

Dan's　eyes　dimmed；　and　his　voice　weakened　a　little　at　her　sympathy。　　〃Yes；
go。　　I'm　tiredthat's　all。　　There　isn't　anything　to　tell　you；　hardly。
Miss　Pasmer〃

〃Why；　he's　pale！〃　cried　Minnie。　　〃Eunice！〃

〃Oh；　it's　just　the　heat　in　here。〃　　Dan　really　felt　a　little　sick　and　faint
with　it；　but　he　was　not　sorry　to　seem　affected　by　the　day's　strain　upon
his　nerves。

The　girls　began　to　take　off　their　wraps。　　〃Don't。　　I'll　go　with　you。
Boardman's　out　there。〃

〃Boardman！　　What　nonsense！〃　exclaimed　Eunice。

〃He'll　like　to　hear　your　opinion　of　it；〃　Dan　began；　but　his　sister　pulled
the　doors　open；　and　ran　out　to　see　if　he　really　meant　that　too。

Whether　Boardman　had　heard　her；　or　had　discreetly　withdrawn　out　of　earshot
at　the　first　sound　of　voices；　she　could　not　tell；　but　she　found　him　some
distance　away　from　the　snow…box　on　the　piazza。　　〃Dan's　just　managed　to
tell　us　you　were　here；〃　she　said；　giving　him　her　hand。　　〃I'm　glad　to　see
you。　　Do　come　in。〃

〃Come　along　as　a　sort　of　Job's　comforter；〃　Boardman　explained；　as　he
followed　her　in；　and　he　had　the　silly　look　that　the　man　who　feels　himself
superfluous　must　wear。

〃Then　you　know　about　it？〃　said　Eunice；　while　Minnie　Mavering　and　he　were
shaking　hands。

〃Yes；　Boardman　knows；　he　can　tell　you　about　it；〃　said　Dan；　from　the　hall
chair　he　had　dropped　into。　　He　rose　and　made　his　way　to　the　stairs；　with
the　effect　of　leaving　the　whole　thing　to　them。

His　sisters　ran　after　him；　and　got　him　upstairs　and　into　his　room；　with
Boardman's　semi…satirical　connivance；　and　Eunice　put　up　the　window；　while
Minnie　went　to　get　some　cologne　to　wet　his　forehead。　　Their　efforts　were
so　successful　that　he　revived　sufficiently　to　drive　them　out　of　his　room；
and　make　them　go　and　show　Boardman　to　his。

〃You　know　the　way；　Mr。　Boardman；〃　said　Eunice；　going　before　him；　while
Minnie　followed　timorously；　but　curious　for　what　he　should　say。　　She
lingered　on