speaking of operations-第6章

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and　seeing　a　lusty　wight　standing　down　below；　in　a　leather　apron；
with　his　sleeves　rolled　up　and　a　kit　of　soldering　tools　under　his
arm；　didn't　know　until　he　made　inquiry　whether　the　gentle　stranger
had　come　to　mend　the　drain　or　remove　the　cook's　leg。

A　little　later　along；　when　gunpowder　had　come　into　general　use　as
a　humanizing　factor　of　civilization；　surgeons　treated　a　gunshot
wound　by　pouring　boiling　lard　into　it；　which　I　would　say　was
calculated　to　take　the　victim's　mind　off　his　wound　and　give　him
something　else　to　think　aboutfor　the　time　being；　anyhow。　　I
assume　the　notion　of　applying　a　mustard　plaster　outside　one's
stomach　when　one　has　a　pain　inside　one's　stomach　is　based　on　the
same　principle。

However；　one　doesn't　have　to　go　clear　back　to　medieval　times　to
note　the　radical　differences　in　the　plan　of　treating　human　ailments。
A　great　many　persons　who　are　still　living　can　remember　when　the
doctors　were　not　nearly　so　numerous　as　they　are　now。　　I；　for　one；
would　be　the　last　to　reverse　the　sentence　and　say　that　because　the
doctors　were　not　nearly　so　numerous　then　as　they　are　now；　those
persons　are　still　living　so　numerously。

In　the　spring　of　the　year；　when　the　sap　flowed　and　the　birds　mated；
the　sturdy　farmer　felt　that　he　was　due　to　have　something　the　matter
with　him；　too。　　So　he　would　ride　into　the　country…seat　and　get　an
almanac。　　Doubtless　the　reader；　if　country　raised；　has　seen　copies
of　this　popular　work。　　On　the　outside　cover；　which　was　dark　blue
in　color；　there　was　a　picture　of　a　person　whose　stomach　was　sliced
four　ways；　like　a　twenty…cent　pie；　and　then　folded　back　neatly；
thus　exposing　his　entire　interior　arrangements　to　the　gaze　of　the
casual　observer。　　However；　this　party；　judging　by　his　picture；　did
not　appear　to　be　suffering。　　He　did　not　even　seem　to　fear　that　he
might　catch　cold　from　standing　there　in　his　own　draught。　　He　was
gazing　off　into　space　in　an　absent…minded　kind　of　way；　apparently
not　aware　that　anything　was　wrong　with　him；　and　on　all　sides　he
was　surrounded　by　interesting　exhibits；　such　as　a　crab；　and　a
scorpion；　and　a　goat；　and　a　chap　with　a　bow　and　arrowand　one
thing　and　another。

Such　was　the　main　design　of　the　cover；　while　the　contents　were
made　up　of　recognized　and　standard　varieties　in　the　line　of　jokes
and　the　line　of　diseases　which　alternated；　with　first　a　favorite
joke　and　then　a　favorite　disease。　　The　author　who　wrote　the
descriptions　of　the　diseases　was　one　of　the　most　convincing　writers
that　ever　lived　anywhere。　　As　a　realist　he　had　no　superiors　among
those　using　our　language　as　a　vehicle　for　the　expression　of　thought。
He　was　a　wonder。　　If　a　person　wasn't　particular　about　what　ailed
him　he　could　read　any　page　at　random　and　have　one　specific　disease。
Or　he　could　read　the　whole　book　through　and　have　them　all；　in
their　most　advanced　stages。　　Then　the　only　thing　that　could　save
him　was　a　large　dollar　bottle。

Again；　in　attacks　of　the　breakbone　ague　or　malaria　it　was　customary
to　call　in　a　local　practitioner；　generally　an　elderly　lady　of　the
neighborhood　who　had　none　of　these　latter…day　prejudices　regarding
the　use　of　tobacco　by　the　gentler　sex。　　One　whom　I　distantly　recall；
among　childhood's　happy　memories；　carried　this　liberal…mindedness
to　a　point　where　she　not　only　dipped　snuff　and　smoked　a　cob　pipe；
but　sometimes　chewed　a　little　natural　leaf。　　This　lady；　on　being
called　in；　would　brew　up　a　large　caldron　of　medicinal　roots　and
barks　and　sprouts　and　things；　and　then　she　would　deluge　the　interior
of　the　sufferer　with　a　large　gourdful　of　this　pleasing　mixture　at
regular　intervals。　　It　was　efficacious；　too。　　The　inundated　person
either　got　well　or　else　he　drowned　from　the　inside。　　Rocking　the
patient　was　almost　as　dangerous　a　pastime　as　rocking　the　boat。
This　also　helps　to　explain；　I　think；　why　so　many　of　our　forebears
had　floating　kidneys。　　There　was　nothing　else　for　a　kidney　to　do。

By　the　time　I　attained　to　long　trousers；　people　in　our　town　mainly
had　outgrown　the　unlicensed　expert　and　were　depending　more　and
more　upon　the　old…fashioned　family　doctorthe　one　with　the
whisker…junglewho　drove　about　in　a　gig；　accompanied　by　a　haunting
aroma　of　iodoform　and　carrying　his　calomel　with　him　in　bulk。

He　probably　owned　a　secret　calomel　mine　of　his　own。　　He　must　have；
otherwise　he　could　never　have　afforded　to　be　so　generous　with　it。
He　also　had　other　medicines　with　him；　all　of　them　being　selected
on　the　principle　that　unless　a　drug　tasted　like　the　very　dickens
it　couldn't　possibly　do　you　any　good。　　At　all　hours　of　the　day　and
night　he　was　to　be　seen　going　to　and　fro；　distributing　nuggets
from　his　private　lode。　　He　went　to　bed　with　his　trousers　and　his
hat　on；　I　think；　and　there　was　a　general　belief　that　his　old　mare
slept　between　the　shafts　of　the　gig；　with　the　bridle　shoved　up　on
her　forehead。

It　has　been　only　a　few　years　since　the　oldtime　general　practitioner
was　everywhere。　　Just　look　round　and　see　now　how　the　system　has
changed！　If　your　liver　begins　to　misconduct　itself　the　first　thought
of　the　modern　operator　is　to　cut　it　out　and　hide　it　some　place　where
you　can't　find　it。　　The　oldtimer　would　have　bombarded　it　with　a
large　brunette　pill　about　the　size　and　color　of　a　damson　plum。
Or　he　might　put　you　on　a　diet　of　molasses　seasoned　to　taste　with
blue　mass　and　quinine　and　other　attractive　condiments。　　Likewise；
in　the　spring　of　the　year　he　frequently　anointed　the　young　of　the
species　with　a　mixture　of　mutton　suet　and　asafetida。　　This　treatment
had　an　effect　that　was　distinctly　depressing　upon　the　growing　boy。
It　militated　against　his　popularity。　　It　forced　him　to　seek　his
pleasures　outdoors；　and　a　good　distance　outdoors　at　that。

It　was　very　hard　for　a　boy；　however　naturally　attractive　he　might
be；　to　retain　his　popularity　at　the　fireside　circle　when　coated
with　mutton　suet　and　asafetida　and　then　taken　into　a　warm　room。
He　attracted　attention　which　he　did　not　court　and　which　was
distasteful　to　him。　　Keeping　quiet　did　not　seem　to　help　him　any。
Even　if　they　had　been　blindfolded　others　would　still　have　felt　his
presence。　　A　civit…cat　suffers　from　the　same　drawbacks　in　a　social
way；　but　the　advantage　to　the　civit…cat　is　that　as　a　general　thing
it　associates　only　with　other　civit…cats。

Except　in　the　country　the　old…time；　catch…as…catch…can　general
practitioner　appears　to　be　dying　out。　　In　the　city　one　finds　him
occasionally；　playing　a　limit　game　in　an　office　on　a　back　street
two　dollars　to　come　in；　five　to　call；　but　the　tendency　of　the　day
is　toward　specialists。　　Hence　the　expert　who　treats　you　for　just
one　particular　thing　With　a　pain　in　your　chest；　say；　you　go　to　a
chest　specialist。　　So　long　as　he　can　keep　the　trouble　confined　to
your　chest；　all　well　and　good。　　If　it　slips　down　or　slides　up　he
tries　to　coax　it　back　to　the　reservation。　　lf　it　refuses　to　do　so；
he　bids　it　an　affectionate　adieu；　makes　a　dotted　mark　on　you　to
show　where　he　left　off；　collects　his　bill　and　regretfully　turns
you　over　to　a　stomach　specialist　or　a　throat　specialist；　depending
on　the　direction　in　which　the　trouble　was　headed　when　last　seen。

Or；　perhaps　the　specialist　to　whom　you　take　your　custom　is　an
advocate　of　an　immediate　operation　for　such　cases　as　yours　and
all　others。　　I　may　be　unduly　sensitive　on　account　of　having　recently
emerged　from　the　surgeon's　hands；　but　it　strikes　me　now　that　there
are　an　awful　lot　of　doctors　who　take　one　brief　glance　at　a　person
who　is　complaining；　and　say　to　themselves　that　here　is　something
that　ought　to　be　looked　into　right　awayand　immediately　open　a
bag　and　start　picking　out　the　proper　utensils。　　You　go　into　a
doctor's　office　and　tell　him　you　do　not　feel　the　best　in　the　world
and　he　gives　you　a　look　and　excuses　himself；　and　steps　into　the
next　room　and　begins　greasing　a　saw。

Mind　you；　in　these　casual　observations　as　compiled　by　me　while
bedfast　and　here　given　utterance；　I　am　not　seeking　to　disparage
possibly　the　noblest　of　professions。　　Lately　I　have　owed　much　to
it。　　I　am　strictly　on　the　doctor's　side。　　He　is　with　us　when　we
come　into　the　world　and　with　us　when　we　go　out　of　it；　oftentimes
lending　a　helping　hand　on　both　occasions。　　Anyway；　our　sympathies
sh