speaking of operations-第5章

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out　of　luck　that　trip。　　The　demon　of　a　joyrider　who　operated　the
accursed　device　jerked　a　lever　and　up　we　soared　at　a　distressingly
high　rate　of　speed。　　If　I　could　have　had　my　way　about　that　youth
he　would　have　been　arrested　for　speeding。

Now　we　were　there！　They　rolled　into　a　large　room；　all　white；　with
a　rounded　ceiling　like　the　inside　of　an　egg。　　Right　away　I　knew
what　the　feelings　of　a　poor；　lonely　little　yolk　are　when　the　spoon
begins　to　chip　the　shell。　　If　I　had　not　been　so　busy　feeling　sorry
for　myself　I　think　I　might　have　developed　quite　an　active　sympathy
for　yolks。

My　impression　had　been　that　this　was　to　be　in　the　nature　of　a
private　affair；　without　invitations。　　I　was　astonished　to　note
that　quite　a　crowd　had　assembled　for　the　opening　exercises。　　From
his　attire　and　general　deportment　I　judged　that　Doctor　Z　was　going
to　be　the　master　of　the　revels；　he　being　attired　appropriately　in
a　white　domino；　with　rubber　gloves　and　a　fancy　cap　of　crash　toweling。
There　were　present；　also；　my　diagnostic　friend；　Doctor　X；　likewise
in　fancy…dress　costume；　and　a　surgeon　I　had　never　met。　　From　what
I　could　gather　he　was　going　over　the　course　behind　Doctor　Z　to
replace　the　divots。

And　there　was　an　interne　in　the　background；　playing　caddy；　as　it
were；　and　a　head　nurse；　who　was　going　to　keep　the　score；　and　two
other　nurses；　who　were　going　to　help　her　keep　it。　　I　only　hoped
that　they　would　show　no　partiality；　but　be　as　fair　to　me　as　they
were　to　Doctor　Z；　and　that　he　would　go　round　in　par。

So　they　placed　me　right　where　my　eyes　might　rest　on　a　large　wall
cabinet　full　of　very　shiny…looking　tools；　and　they　took　my　cigar
away　from　me　and　folded　my　hands　on　the　wide　bowknot　of　my　sash。
Then　they　put　a　cloth　dingus　over　my　face　and　a　voice　of　authority
told　me　to　breathe。　　That　advice；　however；　was　superfluous　and
might　just　as　well　have　been　omitted；　for　such　was　my　purpose
anyhow。　　Ever　since　I　can　recall　anything　at　all；　breathing　has
been　a　regular　habit　with　me。　　So　I　breathed。　　And；　at　that；　a
bottle　of　highly　charged　sarsaparilla　exploded　somewhere　in　the
immediate　vicinity　and　most　of　its　contents　went　up　my　nose。

I　started　to　tell　them　that　somebody　had　been　fooling　with　their
ether　and　adulterating　it；　and　that　if　they　thought　they　could
send　me　off　to　sleep　with　soda　pop　they　were　making　the　mistake
of　their　lives；　because　it　just　naturally　could　not　be　done；　but
for　some　reason　or　other　I　decided　to　put　off　speaking　about　the
matter　for　a　few　minutes。　　I　breathed　againagainagai

I　was　going　away　from　there。　　I　was　in　a　large　gas　balloon；　soaring
up　into　the　clouds。　　How　pleasant！　。。。　No；　by　Jove！　I　was　not　in
a　balloonI　myself　was　the　balloon；　which　was　not　quite　so　pleasant。
Besides；　Doctor　Z　was　going　along　as　a　passenger；　and　as　we　traveled
up　and　up　he　kept　jabbing　me　in　the　midriff　with　the　ferrule　of　a
large　umbrella　which　he　had　brought　along　with　him　in　case　of　rain。
He　jabbed　me　harder　and　harder。　　I　remonstrated　with　him。　　I　told
him　I　was　a　bit　tender　in　that　locality　and　the　ferrule　of　his
umbrella　was　sharp。　　He　would　not　listen。　　He　kept　on　jabbing　me。

Something　broke！　We　started　back　down　to　earth。　　We　fell　faster
and　faster。　　We　fell　nine　miles；　and　after　that　I　began　to　get
used　to　it。　　Then　I　saw　the　earth　beneath　and　it　was　rising　up　to
meet　us。

A　town　was　belowa　town　that　grew　larger　and　larger　as　we　neared
it。　　I　could　make　out　the　bonded　indebtedness；　and　the　Carnegie
Library；　and　the　moving…picture　palaces；　and　the　new　dancing　parlor；
and　other　principal　points　of　interest。

At　the　rate　we　were　falling　we　were　certainly　going　to　make　an
awful　splatter　in　that　town　when　we　hit。　　I　was　sorry　for　the
street…cleaning　department。

We　fell　another　half　mile　or　so。　　A　spire　was　sticking　up　into　the
sky　directly　beneath　us；　like　a　spear；　to　impale　us。　　By　a　supreme
effort　I　twisted　out　of　the　way　of　that　spire；　only　to　strike
squarely　on　top　of　the　roof　of　a　greenhouse　back　of　the　parsonage；
next　door。　　We　crashed　through　it　with　a　perfectly　terrific　clatter
of　breaking　glass　and　landed　in　a　bed　of　white　flowers；　all　soft
and　downy；　like　feathers。

And　then　Doctor　Z　stood　up　and　combed　the　debris　out　of　his　whiskers
and　remarked　that；　taking　it　by　and　large；　it　had　been　one　of　the
pleasantest　little　outings　he　had　enjoyed　in　the　entire　course　of
his　practice。　　He　said　that　as　a　patient　I　was　fair；　but　as　a
balloon　I　was　immense。　　He　asked　me　whether　I　had　seen　anything
of　his　umbrella　and　began　looking　round　for　it。　　I　tried　to　help
him　look；　but　I　was　too　tired　to　exert　myself　much。　　I　told　him　I
believed　I　would　take　a　little　nap。

I　opened　a　dizzy　eye　part　way。　　So　this　was　heaventhis　white
expanse　that　swung　and　swam　before　my　languid　gaze？　No；　it　could
not　beit　did　not　smell　like　heaven。　　It　smelled　like　a　hospital。
It　was　a　hospital。　　It　was　my　hospital。　　My　nurse　was　bending　over
me　and　I　caught　a　faint　whiff　of　the　starch　in　the　front　of　her
crisp　blue　blouse。　　She　was　two…headed　for　the　moment；　but　that
was　a　mere　detail。　　She　settled　a　pillow　under　my　head　and　told　me
to　lie　quiet。

I　meant　to　lie　quiet；　I　did　not　have　to　be　told。　　I　wanted　to　lie
quiet　and　hurt。　　I　was　hurty　from　head　to　toe　and　back　again；　and
crosswise　and　cater…cornered。　　I　hurt　diagonally　and　lengthwise
and　on　the　bias。　　I　had　a　taste　in　my　mouth　like　a　bird…and…animal
store。　　And　empty！　　It　seemed　to　me　those　doctors　had　not　left
anything　inside　of　me　except　the　acoustics。　　Well；　there　was　a
mite　of　consolation　there。　　If　the　overhauling　had　been　as　thorough
as　I　had　reason　to　believe　it　was　from　my　present　sensations；　I
need　never　fear　catching　anything　again　so　long　as　I　lived；　except
possibly　dandruff。

I　waved　the　nurse　away。　　I　craved　solitude。　　I　desired　only　to
lie　there　in　that　bed　and　hurtwhich　I　did。

I　had　said　beforehand　I　meant　to　stay　in　St。　Germicide's　for　two
or　three　days　only。　　It　is　when　I　look　back　on　that　resolution　I
emit　the　hollow　laugh　elsewhere　referred　to。　　For　exactly　four
weeks　I　was　flat　on　my　back。　　I　know　now　how　excessively　wearied
a　man　can　get　of　his　own　back；　how　tired　of　it；　how　bored　with
it！　And　after　that　another　two　weeks　elapsed　before　my　legs　became
the　same　dependable　pair　of　legs　I　had　known　in　the　past。

I　did　not　want　to　eat　at　first；　and　when　I　did　begin　to　want　to
they　would　not　let　me。　　If　I　felt　sort　of　peckish　they　let　me　suck
a　little　glass　thermometer；　but　there　is　not　much　nourishment
really　in　thermometers。　　And　for　entertainment；　to　wile　the　dragging
hours　away；　I　could　count　the　cracks　in　the　ceiling　and　read　my
temperature　chart；　which　was　a　good　deal　like　Red　Ames'　batting
average　for　the　past　seasonranging　from　ninety…nine　to　one　hundred
and　four。

Also；　through　daily　conversations　with　my　nurse　and　with　the
surgeons　who　dropped　in　from　time　to　time　to　have　a　look　at　me；
I　learned；　as　I　lay　there；　a　great　deal　about　the　medical　profession
that　is；　a　great　deal　for　a　laymanand　what　I　learned　filled　me
with　an　abiding　admiration　for　it；　both　as　a　science　and　as　a
business。　　This　surely　is　one　profession　which　ever　keeps　its　face
to　the　front。　　Burying　its　past　mistakes　and　forgetting　them　as
speedily　as　possible；　it　pushes　straight　forward　into　fresh　fields
and　fresh　patients；　always　hopeful　of　what　the　future　may　bring
in　the　way　of　newly　discovered　and　highly　expensive　ailments。　　As
we　look　backward　upon　the　centuries　we　are　astonished　by　its
advancement。　　I　did　a　good　deal　of　looking　backwards　upon　the
centuries　during　my　sojourn　at　St。　Germicide's。

Take　the　Middle　Ages　nowthe　period　when　a　barber　and　a　surgeon
were　one　and　the　same。　　If　a　man　made　a　failure　as　a　barber　he
turned　his　talents　to　surgery。　　Surgeons　in　those　times　were　a
husky　breed。　　I　judge　they　worked　by　the　day　instead　of　by　piecework；
anyhow　the　records　show　they　were　very　fond　of　experiments　where
somebody　else　furnished　the　raw　material。

When　there　came　a　resounding　knock　at　the　tradesman's　entrance　of
the　moated　grange；　the　lord　of　the　manor；　looking　over　the　portcullis
and　seeing　a　lusty　wight　standing　down　below；　in　a　leather　apron；
with　his　sleeves　r