armadale-第92章
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fight it down; as he had fought down the tears in his childhood
under his gypsy master's stick; as he had fought down the misery
of his lonely youth time in the country bookseller's shop。 〃I
must go;〃 he said; as he turned wearily from the window; 〃before
she comes to the house again。 I must go before another hour is
over my head。〃
With that resolution he left the room; and; in leaving it; took
the irrevocable step from Present to Future。
The rain was still falling。 The sullen sky; all round the
horizon; still lowered watery and dark; when Midwinter; equipped
for traveling; appeared in Allan's room。
〃Good heavens!〃 cried Allan; pointing to the knapsack; 〃what does
_that_ mean?〃
〃Nothing very extraordinary;〃 said Midwinter。 〃It only
meansgood…by。〃
〃Good…by!〃 repeated Allan; starting to his feet in astonishment。
Midwinter put him back gently into his chair; and drew a seat
near to it for himself。
〃When you noticed that I looked ill this morning;〃 he said; 〃I
told you that I had been thinking of a way to recover my health;
and that I meant to speak to you about it later in the day。 That
latter time has come。 I have been out of sorts; as the phrase is;
for some time past。 You have remarked it yourself; Allan; more
than once; and; with your usual kindness; you have allowed it to
excuse many things in my conduct which would have been otherwise
unpardonable; even in your friendly eyes。〃
〃My dear fellow;〃 interposed Allan; 〃you don't mean to say you
are going out on a walking tour in this pouring rain!〃
〃Never mind the rain;〃 rejoined Midwinter。 〃The rain and I are
old friends。 You know something; Allan; of the life I led before
you met with me。 From the time when I was a child; I have been
used to hardship and exposure。 Night and day; sometimes for
months together; I never had my head under a roof。 For years and
years; the life of a wild animalperhaps I ought to say; the
life of a savagewas the life I led; while you were at home and
happy。 I have the leaven of the vagabondthe vagabond animal; or
the vagabond man; I hardly know whichin me still。 Does it
distress you to hear me talk of myself in this way? I won't
distress you。 I will only say that the comfort and the luxury of
our life here are; at times; I think; a little too much for a man
to whom comforts and luxuries come as strange things。 I want
nothing to put me right again but more air and exercise; fewer
good breakfasts and dinners; my dear friend; than I get here。 Let
me go back to some of the hardships which this comfortable house
is expressly made to shut out。 Let me meet the wind and weather
as I used to meet them when I was a boy; let me feel weary again
for a little while; without a carriage near to pick me up; and
hungry when the night falls; with miles of walking between my
supper and me。 Give me a week or two away; Allanup northward;
on foot; to the Yorkshire moorsand I promise to return to
Thorpe Ambrose; better company for you and for your friends。 I
shall be back before you have time to miss me。 Mr。 Bashwood will
take care of the business in the office; it is only for a
fortnight; and it is for my own goodlet me go!〃
〃I don't like it;〃 said Allan。 〃I don't like your leaving me in
this sudden manner。 There's something so strange and dreary about
it。 Why not try riding; if you want more exercise; all the horses
in the stables are at your disposal。 At all events; you can't
possibly go to…day。 Look at the rain!〃
Midwinter looked toward the window; and gently shook his head。
〃I thought nothing of the rain;〃 he said; 〃when I was a mere
child; getting my living with the dancing dogswhy should I
think anything of it now? _My_ getting wet; and _your_ getting
wet; Allan; are two very different things。 When I was a
fisherman's boy in the Hebrides; I hadn't a dry thread on me for
weeks together。 〃
〃But you're not in the Hebrides now;〃 persisted Allan; 〃and I
expect our friends from the cottage to…morrow evening。 You can't
start till after to…morrow。 Miss Gwilt is going to give us some
more music; and you know you like Miss Gwilt's playing。〃
Midwinter turned aside to buckle the straps of his knapsack。
〃Give me another chance of hearing Miss Gwilt when I come back;〃
he said; with his head down; and his fingers busy at the straps。
〃You have one fault; my dear fellow; and it grows on you;〃
remonstrated Allan; 〃when you have once taken a thing into our
head; you're the most obstinate man alive。 There's no persuading
you to listen to reason。 If you _will_ go;〃 added Allan; suddenly
rising; as Midwinter took up his hat and stick in silence; 〃I
have half a mind to go with you; and try a little roughing it
too!〃
〃Go with _me!_〃 repeated Midwinter; with a momentar y bitterness
in his tone; 〃and leave Miss Gwilt!〃
Allan sat down again; and admitted the force of the objection in
significant silence。 Without a word more on his side; Midwinter
held out his hand to take leave。 They were both deeply moved; and
each was anxious to hide his agitation from the other。 Allan took
the last refuge which his friend's firmness left to him: he tried
to lighten the farewell moment by a joke。
〃I'll tell you what;〃 he said; 〃I begin to doubt if you're quite
cured yet of your belief in the Dream。 I suspect you're running
away from me; after all!〃
Midwinter looked at him; uncertain whether he was in jest or
earnest。 〃What do you mean?〃 he asked。
〃What did you tell me;〃 retorted Allan; 〃when you took me in here
the other day; and made a clean breast of it? What did you say
about this room; and the second vision of the dream? By Jupiter!〃
he exclaimed; starting to his feet once more; 〃now I look again;
here _is_ the Second Vision! There's the rain pattering against
the window…there's the lawn and the garden outsidehere am I
where I stood in the Dreamand there are you where the Shadow
stood。 The whole scene complete; out…of…doors and in; and _I've_
discovered it this time!〃
A moment's life stirred again in the dead remains of Midwinter's
superstition。 His color changed; and he eagerly; almost fiercely;
disputed Allan's conclusion。
〃No!〃 he said; pointing to the little marble figure on the
bracket; 〃the scene is _not_ completeyou have forgotten
something; as usual。 The Dream is wrong this time; thank
Godutterly wrong! In the vision you saw; the statue was lying
in fragments on the floor; and you were stooping over them with a
troubled and an angry mind。 There stands the statue safe and
sound! and you haven't the vestige of an angry feeling in your
mind; have you?〃 He seized Allan impulsively by the hand。 At the
same moment the consciousness came to him that he was speaking
and acting as earnestly as if he still believed in the Dream。 The
color rushed back over his face; and he turned away in confused
silence。
〃What did I tell you?〃 said Allan; laughing; a little uneasily。
〃That night on the Wreck is hanging on your mind as heavily as
ever。〃
〃Nothing hangs heavy on me;〃 retorted Midwinter; with a sudden
outburst of impatience; 〃but the knapsack on my back; and the
time I'm wasting here。 I'll go out; and see if it's likely to
clear up。〃
〃You'll come back?〃 interposed Allan。
Midwinter opened the French window; and stepped out into the
garden。
〃Yes;〃 he said; answering with all his former gentleness of
manner; 〃I'll come back in a fortnight。 Good…by; Allan; and good
luck with Miss Gwilt!〃
He pushed the window to; and was away across the garden before
his friend could open it again and follow him。
Allan rose; and took one step into the garden; then checked
himself at the window; and returned to his chair。 He knew
Midwinter well enough to feel the total uselessness of attempting
to follow him or to call him back。 He was gone; and for two weeks
to come there was no hope of seeing him again。 An hour or more
passed; the rain still fell; and the sky still threatened。 A
heavier and heavier sense of loneliness and despondencythe
sense of all others which his previous life had least fitted him
to understand and endurepossessed itself of Allan's mind。 In
sheer horror of his own uninhabitably solitary house; he rang for
his hat and umb