armadale-第169章
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not cost either of them the slightest sacrifice of his own
pleasure。 Midwinter declared that he was too completely worn out
to care for anything but the two great blessings； unattainable at
the theater； of quiet and fresh air。 Armadale saidwith an
Englishman's exasperating pride in his own stupidity wherever a
matter of art is concernedthat he couldn't make head or tail of
the performance。 The principal disappointment； he was good enough
to add； was mine； for I evidently understood foreign music； and
enjoyed it。 Ladies generally did。 His darling little Neelie
〃I was in no humor to be persecuted with his 'Darling Neelie'
after what I had gone through at the theater。 It might have been
the irritated state of my nerves； or it might have been the
eau…de…cologne flying to my head； but the bare mention of the
girl seemed to set me in a flame。 I tried to turn Armadale's
attention in the direction of the supper…table。 He was much
obliged； but he had no appetite for more。 I offered him wine
next； the wine of the country； which is all that our poverty
allows us to place on the table。 He was much obliged again。 The
foreign wine was very little more to his taste than the foreign
music； but he would take some because I asked him； and he would
drink my health in the old…fashioned way； with his best wishes
for the happy time when we should all meet again at Thorpe
Ambrose； and when there would be a mistress to welcome me at the
great house。
〃Was he mad to persist in this way？ No； his face answered for
him。 He was under the impression that he was making himself
particularly agreeable to me。
〃I looked at Midwinter。 He might have seen some reason for
interfering to change the conversation； if he had looked at me in
return。 But he sat silent in his chair； irritable and overworked；
with his eyes on the ground； thinking。
〃I got up and went to the window。 Still impenetrable to a sense
of his own clumsiness； Armadale followed me。 If I had been strong
enough to toss him out of the window into the sea； I should
certainly have done it at that moment。 Not being strong enough； I
looked steadily at the view over the bay； and gave him a hint；
the broadest and rudest I could think of； to go。
〃 'A lovely night for a walk；' I said； 'if you are tempted to
walk back to the hotel。'
〃I doubt if he heard me。 At any rate； I produced no sort of
effect on him。 He stood staring sentimentally at the moonlight；
andthere is really no other word to express it_blew_ a sigh。
I felt a presentiment of what was coming； unless I stopped his
mouth by speaking first。
〃 'With all your fondness for England；' I said； 'you must own
that we have no such moonlight as that at home。'
〃He looked at me vacantly； and blew another sigh。
〃 'I wonder whether it is fine to…night in England as it is
here？' he said。 'I wonder whether my dear little girl at home is
looking at the moonlight； and thinking of Me？'
〃I could endure it no longer。 I flew out at him at last。
〃 'Good heavens； Mr。 Armadale！' I exclaimed； 'is there only one
subject worth mentioning； in the narrow little world you live in？
I'm sick to death of Miss Milroy。 Do pray talk of something
else？'
〃His great； broad； stupid face colored up to the roots of his
hideous yellow hair。 'I beg your pardon；' he stammered； with a
kind of sulky surprise。 'I didn't suppose' He stopped
confusedly； and looked from me to Midwinter。 I understood what
the look meant。 'I didn't suppose she could be jealous of Miss
Milroy after marrying _you！_' That is what he would have said to
Midwinter； if I had left them alone together in the room！
〃As it was； Midwinter had heard us。 Before I could speak
againbefore Armadale could add another wordhe finished his
friend's uncompleted sentence； in a tone that I now heard； and
with a look that I now saw； for the first time。
〃 'You didn't suppose； Allan；' he said； 'that a lady's temper
could be so easily provoked。'
〃The first bitter word of irony； the first hard look of contempt；
I had ever had from him！ And Armadale the cause of it！
〃My anger suddenly left me。 Something came in its place which
steadied me in an instant； and took me silently out of the room。
〃I sat down alone in the bedroom。 I had a few minutes of thought
with myself； which I don't choose to put into words； even in
these secret pages。 I got up； and unlockednever mind what。 I
went round to Midwinter's side of the bed； and tookno matter
what I took。 The last thing I did before I left the room was to
look at my watch。 It was half…past ten； Armadale's usual time for
leaving us。 I went back at once and joined the two men again。
〃I approached Armadale good…humoredly； and said to him：
〃No！ On second thoughts。 I won't put down what I said to him； or
what I did afterward。 I'm sick of Armadale！ he turns up at every
second word I write。 I shall pass over what happened in the
course of the next hourthe hour between half…past ten and
half…past elevenand take up my story again at the time when
Armadale had left us。 Can I tell what took place； as soon as our
visitor's back was turned； between Midwinter and me in our own
room？ Why not pass over what happened； in that case as well as in
the other？ Why agitate myself by writing it down？ I don't know！
Why do I keep a diary at all？ Why did the clever thief the other
day （in the English newspaper） keep the very thing to convict him
in the shape of a record of everything he stole？ Why are we not
perfectly reasonable in all that we do？ Why am I not always on my
guard and never inconsistent with myself； like a wicked character
in a novel？ Why？ why？ why？
〃I don't care why！ I must write down what happened between
Midwinter and me to…night； _because_ I must。 There's a reason
that nobody can answermyself included。
* * * * * * *
〃It was half…past eleven。 Armadale had gone。 I had put on my
dressing…gown； and had just sat down to arrange my hair for the
night； when I was surprised by a knock at the door； and Midwinter
came in。
〃He was frightfully pale。 His eyes looked at me with a terrible
despair in them。 He never answered when I expressed my surprise
at his coming in so much sooner than usual； he wouldn't even tell
me； when I asked the question； if he was ill。 Pointing
peremptorily to the chair from which I had risen on his entering
the room； he told me to sit down again； and then； after a moment；
added these words： 'I have something serious to say to you。'
〃I thought of what I had doneor； no； of what I had tried to
doin that interval between half…past ten and half…past eleven；
which I have left unnoticed in my diaryand the deadly sickness
of terror； which I never felt at the time； came upon me now。 I
sat down again； as I had been told； without speaking to
Midwinter； and without looking at him。
〃He took a turn up and down the room； and then came and stood
over me。
〃 'If Allan comes here to…morrow；' he began； 'and if you see
him'
〃His voice faltered； and he said no more。 There was some dreadful
grief at his heart that was trying to master him。 But there are
times when his will is a will of iron。 He took another turn in
the room； and crushed it down。 He came back； and stood over me
again。
〃 'When Allan comes here to…morrow；' he resumed； 'let him come
into my room； if he wants to see me。 I shall tell him that I find
it impossi ble to finish the work I now have on hand as soon as I
had hoped； and that he must； therefore； arrange to find a crew
for the yacht without any assistance on my part。 If he comes； in
his disappointment； to appeal to you； give him no hope of my
being free in time to help him if he waits。 Encourage him to take
the best assistance he can get from strangers； and to set about
manning the yacht without any further delay。 The more occupation
he has to keep him away from this house； and the less you
encourage him to stay here if he does come； the better I shall be
pleased。 Don't forget that； and don't forget one last direction
which I have now to give you。 When the vessel is ready for sea；
and when Allan invites us to sail with him； it is my wish that
you should positively decline to go。 He will try to ma
