armadale-第154章

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routine；　under　the　circumstances。　In　the　first　place；　there　were
twice　as　many　women　as　were　needed　in　the　trying…on　room。　This
looked　suspicious；　and　yet　I　might　have　accounted　for　it　in　more
ways　than　one。　Is　it　not　the　slack　time　now？　and　don't　I　know　by
experience　that　I　am　the　sort　of　woman　about　whom　other　women　are
always　spitefully　curious？　I　thought　again；　in　the　second　place；
that　one　of　the　assistants　persisted　rather　oddly　in　keeping　me
turned　in　a　particular　direction；　with　my　face　toward　the　glazed
and　curtained　door　that　led　into　the　work…room。　But；　after　all；
she　gave　a　reason　when　I　asked　for　it。　She　said　the　light　fell
better　on　me　that　way；　and；　when　I　looked　round；　there　was　the
window　to　prove　her　right。　Still；　these　trifles　produced　such　an
effect　on　me；　at　the　time；　that　I　purposely　found　fault　with　the
dress；　so　as　to　have　an　excuse　for　trying　it　on　again；　before　I
told　them　where　I　lived；　and　had　it　sent　home。　Pure　fancy；　I　dare
say。　Pure　fancy；　perhaps；　at　the　present　moment。　I　don't　care；　I
shall　act　on　instinct　（as　they　say）；　and　give　up　the　dress。　In
plainer　words　still；　I　won't　go　back。


〃Midnight。Midwinter　came　to　see　me　as　he　promised。　An　hour　has
passed　since　we　said　good…night；　and　here　I　still　sit；　with　my
pen　in　my　hand；　thinking　of　him。　No　words　of　mine　can　describe
what　has　passed　between　us。　The　end　of　it　is　all　I　can　write　in
these　pages；　and　the　end　of　it　is　that　he　has　shaken　my
resolution。　For　the　first　time　since　I　saw　the　easy　way　to
Armadale's　life　at　Thorpe　Ambrose；　I　feel　as　if　the　man　whom　I
have　doomed　in　my　own　thoughts　had　a　chance　of　escaping　me。

〃Is　it　my　love　for　Midwinter　that　has　altered　me？　Or　is　it　_his_
love　for　_me_　that　has　taken　possession　not　only　of　all　I　wish　to
give　him；　but　of　all　I　wish　to　keep　from　him　as　well？　I　feel　as
if　I　had　lost　myselflost　myself；　I　mean；　in　_him_all　through
the　evening。　He　was　in　great　agitation　about　what　had　happened　in
Somersetshire；　and　he　made　me　feel　as　disheartened　and　as
wretched　about　it　as　he　did。　Though　he　never　confessed　it　in
words；　I　know　that　Mr。　Brock's　death　has　startled　him　as　an　ill
omen　for　our　marriageI　know　it；　because　I　feel　Mr。　Brock's
death　as　an　ill　omen　too。　The　superstition_his_
superstitiontook　so　strong　a　hold　on　me；　that　when　we　grew
calmer　and　he　spoke　of　time　futurewhen　he　told　me　that　he　must
either　break　his　engagement　with　his　new　employers　or　go　abroad；
as　he　is　pledged　to　go；　on　Monday　nextI　actually　shrank　at　the
thought　of　our　marriage　following　close　on　Mr。　Brock's　funeral；　I
actually　said　to　him；　in　the　impulse　of　the　moment；　'Go；　and
begin　your　new　life　alone！　go；　and　leave　me　here　to　wait　for
happier　times。'

〃He　took　me　in　his　arms。　He　sighed；　and　kissed　me　with　an　angelic
tenderness。　He　saidoh；　so　softly　and　so　sadly！I　have　no　life
now；　apart　from　_you。_'　As　those　words　passed　his　lips；　the
thought　seemed　to　rise　in　my　mind　like　an　echo；　'Why　not　live　out
all　the　days　that　are　left　to　me；　happy　and　harmless　in　a　love
like　this！'　I　can't　explain　itI　can't　realize　it。　That　was　the
thought　in　me　at　the　time；　and　that　is　the　thought　in　me　still。　I
see　my　own　hand　while　I　write　the　wordsand　I　ask　myself　whether
it　is　really　the　hand　of　Lydia　Gwilt！

〃Armadale

〃No！　I　will　never　write；　I　will　never　think　of　Armadale　again。

〃Yes！　Let　me　write　once　morelet　me　think　once　more　of　him；
because　it　quiets　me　to　know　that　he　is　going　away；　and　that　the
sea　will　have　parted　us　before　I　am　married。　His　old　home　is　home
to　him　no　longer；　now　that　the　loss　of　his　mother　has　been
followed　by　the　loss　of　his　best　and　earliest　friend。　When　the
funeral　is　over；　he　has　decided　to　sail　the　same　day　for　the
foreign　seas。　We　may；　or　we　may　not；　meet　at　Naples。　Shall　I　be
an　altered　woman　if　we　do？　I　wonder；　I　wonder！


〃August　8th。A　line　from　Midwinter。　He　has　gone　back　to
Somersetshire　to　be　in　readiness　for　the　funeral　to…morrow；　and
he　will　return　here　（after　bidding　Armadale　good…by）　to…morrow
evening。

〃The　last　forms　and　ceremonies　preliminary　to　our　marriage　have
been　complied　with。　I　am　to　be　his　wife　on　Monday　next。　The　hour
must　not　be　later　than　half…past　tenwhich　will　give　us　just
time；　when　the　service　is　over；　to　get　from　the　church　door　to
the　railway；　and　to　start　on　our　journey　to　Naples　the　same　day。

〃To…daySaturdaySunday！　I　am　not　afraid　of　the　time；　the　time
will　pass。　I　am　not　afraid　of　myself；　if　I　can　only　keep　all
thoughts　but　one　out　of　my　mind。　I　love　him！　Day　and　night；　till
Monday　comes；　I　will　think　of　nothing　but　that。　I　love　him！


〃Four　o'clock。Other　thoughts　are　forced　into　my　mind　in　spite
of　me。　My　suspicions　of　yesterday　were　no　mere　fancies；　the
milliner　has　been　tampered　with。　My　folly　in　going　back　to　her
house　has　led　to　my　being　traced　here。　I　am　absolutely　certain
that　I　never　gave　the　woman　my　address；　and　yet　my　new　gown　was
sent　home　to　me　at　two　o'clock　to…day！

〃A　man　brought　it　with　the　bill；　and　a　civil　message；　to　say
that；　as　I　had　not　called　at　the　appointed　time　to　try　it　on
again；　the　dress　had　been　finished　and　sent　to　me。　He　caught　me
in　the　passage；　I　had　no　choice　but　to　pay　the　bill；　and　dismiss
him。　Any　other　proceeding；　as　events　have　now　turned　out；　would
have　been　pure　folly。　The　messenger　（not　the　man　who　followed　me
in　the　st　reet；　but　another　spy　sent　to　look　at　me；　beyond　all
doubt）　would　have　declared　he　knew　nothing　about　it；　if　I　had
spoken　to　him。　The　milliner　would　tell　me　to　my　face；　if　I　went
to　her；　that　I　had　given　her　my　address。　The　one　useful　thing　to
do　now　is　to　set　my　wits　to　work　in　the　interests　of　my　own
security；　and　to　step　out　of　the　false　position　in　which　my　own
rashness　has　placed　meif　I　can。


〃Seven　o'clock。My　spirits　have　risen　again。　I　believe　I　am　in　a
fair　way　of　extricating　myself　already。

〃I　have　just　come　back　from　a　long　round　in　a　cab。　First；　to　the
cloak…room　of　the　Great　Western；　to　get　the　luggage　which　I　sent
there　from　All　Saints'　Terrace。　Next；　to　the　cloak…room　of　the
Southeastern；　to　leave　my　luggage　（labeled　in　Midwinter's　name）；
to　wait　for　me　till　the　starting　of　the　tidal　train　on　Monday。
Next；　to　the　General　Post…office；　to　post　a　letter　to　Midwinter
at　the　rectory；　which　he　will　receive　to…morrow　morning。　Lastly；
back　again　to　this　housefrom　which　I　shall　move　no　more　till
Monday　comes。

〃My　letter　to　Midwinter　will；　I　have　little　doubt；　lead　to　his
seconding　（quite　innocently）　the　precautions　that　I　am　taking　for
my　own　safety。　The　shortness　of　the　time　at　our　disposal　on
Monday　will　oblige　him　to　pay　his　bill　at　the　hotel　and　to　remove
his　luggage　before　the　marriage　ceremony　takes　place。　All　I　ask
him　to　do　beyond　this　is　to　take　the　luggage　himself　to　the
Southeastern　（so　as　to　make　any　inquiries　useless　which　may
address　themselves　to　the　servants　at　the　hotel）and；　that　done；
to　meet　me　at　the　church　door；　instead　of　calling　for　me　here。
The　rest　concerns　nobody　but　myself。　When　Sunday　night　or　Monday
morning　comes；　it　will　be　hard；　indeedfreed　as　I　am　now　from
all　incumbrancesif　I　can't　give　the　people　who　are　watching　me
the　slip　for　the　second　time。

〃It　seems　needless　enough　to　have　written　to　Midwinter　to…day；
when　he　is　coming　back　to　me　to…morrow　night。　But　it　was
impossible　to　ask；　what　I　have　been　obliged　to　ask　of　him；
without　making　my　false　family　circumstances　once　more　the
excuse；　and　having　this　to　doI　must　own　the　truthI　wrote　to
him　because；　after　what　I　suffered　on　the　last　occasion；　I　can
never　again　deceive　him　to　his　face。


〃August　9th。Two　o'clock。I　rose　early　this　morning；　more
depressed　in　spirits　than　usual。　The　re…beginning　of　one's　life；
at　the　re…beginning　of　every　day；　has　already　been　something
weary　and　hopeless　to　me　for　years　past。　I　dreamed；　too；　all
through　the　nightnot　of　Midwinter　and　of　my　married　life；　as　I
had　hoped　to　dreambut　of　the　wretched　conspiracy　to　discover
me；　by　which　I　have　been　driven　from　one　place　to　another；　like　a
hunted　animal。　Nothing　in　the　shape　of　a　new　revelation
enlightened　me　in　my　sleep。　All　I　could　guess　dreaming　was　what　I
had　guessed　waking；　that　Mother　Oldershaw　is　the　enemy　wh