armadale-第136章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
ventured herself near the great house since the thunder…storm
forced her into it for shelter； will be less likely than ever to
venture there now。 I can part them when I please； with an
anonymous line to the major； I can part them when I please！
〃After having discussed the letter； the talk between them turned
on what they were to do next。 Major Milroy's severity； as it soon
appeared； produced the usual results。 Armadale returned to the
subject of the elopement； and this time she listened to him。
There is everything to drive her to it。 Her outfit of clothes is
nearly ready； and the summer holidays； at the school which has
been chosen for her； end at the end of next week。 When I left
them； they had decided to meet again and settle something on
Monday。
〃The last words I heard him address to her； before I went away；
shook me a little。 He said： 'There is one difficulty； Neelie；
that needn't trouble us； at any rate。 I have got plenty of
money。' And then he kissed her。 The way to his life began to look
an easier way to me when he talked of his money； and kissed her。
〃Some hours have passed； and the more I think of it； the more I
fear the blank interval between this time and the time when Mrs。
Oldershaw calls in the law； and protects me against myself。 It
might have been better if I had stopped at home this morning。 But
how could I？ After the insult she offered me yesterday； I tingled
all over to go and look at her。
〃To…day； Sunday； Monday； Tuesday。 They can't arrest me for the
money before Wednesday。 And my miserable five pounds are
dwindling to four！ And he told her he had plenty of money！ And
she blushed and trembled when he kissed her。 It might have been
better for him； better for her； and better for me； if my debt had
fallen due yesterday； and if the bailiffs had their hands on me
at this moment。
〃Suppose I had the means of leaving Thorpe Ambrose by the next
train； and going somewhere abroad； and absorbing myself in some
new interest； among new people。 Could I do it； rather than look
again at that easy way to his life which would smooth the way to
everything else？
〃Perhaps I might。 But where is the money to come from？ Surely
some way of getting it struck me a day or two since？ Yes； that
mean idea of asking Armadale to help me！ Well； I _will_ be mean
for once。 I'll give him the chance of making a generous use of
that well…filled purse which it is such a comfort to him to
reflect on in his present circumstances。 It would soften my heart
toward any man if he lent me money in my present extremity； and；
if Armadale lends me money； it might soften my heart toward him。
When shall I go？ At once！ I won't give myself time to feel the
degradation of it； and to change my mind。
〃Three 'clock。I mark the hour。 He has sealed his own doom。 He
has insulted me。
〃Yes！ I have suffered it once from Miss Milroy。 And I have now
suffered it a second time from Arm adale himself。 An insulta
marked； merciless； deliberate insult in the open day！
〃I had got through the town； and had advanced a few hundred yards
along the road that leads to the great house； when I saw Armadale
at a little distance； coming toward me。 He was walking
fastevidently with some errand of his own to take him to the
town。 The instant he caught sight of me he stopped； colored up；
took off his hat； hesitated； and turned aside down a lane behind
him； which I happen to know would take him exactly in the
contrary direction to the direction in which he was walking when
he first saw me。 His conduct said in so many words； 'Miss Milroy
may hear of it； I daren't run the risk of being seen speaking to
you。' Men have used me heartlessly； men have done and said hard
things to me； but no man living ever yet treated me as if I was
plague…struck； and as if the very air about me was infected by my
presence！
〃I say no more。 When he walked away from me down that lane； he
walked to his death。 I have written to Midwinter to expect me in
London nest week； and to be ready for our marriage soon
afterward。
〃Four o'clock。Half an hour since； I put on my bonnet to go out
and post the letter to Midwinter myself。 And here I am； still in
my room； with my mind torn by doubts； and my letter on the table。
〃Armadale counts for nothing in the perplexities that are now
torturing me。 It is Midwinter who makes me hesitate。 Can I take
the first of those three steps that lead me to the end； without
the common caution of looking at consequences？ Can I marry
Midwinter； without knowing beforehand how to meet the obstacle of
my husband； when the time comes which transforms me from the
living Armadale's wife to the dead Armadale's widow？
〃Why can't I think of it； when I know I _must_ think of it？ Why
can't I look at it as steadily as I have looked at all the rest？
I feel his kisses on my lips； I feel his tears on my bosom； I
feel his arms round me again。 He is far away in London； and yet；
he is here and won't let me think of it！
〃Why can't I wait a little？ Why can't I let Time help me？ Time？
It's Saturday！ What need is there to think of it； unless I like？
There is no post to London to…day。 I _must_ wait。 If I posted the
letter； it wouldn't go。 Besides； to… morrow I may hear from Mrs。
Oldershaw。 I ought to wait to hear from Mrs。 Oldershaw。 I can't
consider myself a free woman till I know what Mrs。 Oldershaw
means to do。 There is a necessity for waiting till to…morrow。 I
shall take my bonnet off； and lock the letter up in my desk。
〃Sunday morning。There is no resisting it！ One after another the
circumstances crowd on me。 They come thicker and thicker； and
they all force me one way。
〃I have got Mother Oldershaw's answer。 The wretch fawns on me；
and cringes to me。 I can see； as plainly as if she had
acknowledged it； that she suspects me of seeing my own way to
success at Thorpe Ambrose without her assistance 。 Having found
threatening me useless； she tries coaxing me now。 I am her
darling Lydia again！ She is quite shocked that I could imagine
she ever really intended to arrest her bosom friend； and she has
only to entreat me； as a favor to herself； to renew the bill！
〃I say once more； no mortal creature could resist it！ Time after
time I have tried to escape the temptation； and time after time
the circumstances drive me back again。 I can struggle no longer。
The post that takes the letters to…night shall take my letter to
Midwinter among the rest。
〃To…night！ If I give myself till to…night； something else may
happen。 If I give myself till to…night； I may hesitate again。 I'm
weary of the torture of hesitating。 I must and will have relief
in the present； cost what it may in the future。 My letter to
Midwinter will drive me mad if I see it staring and staring at me
in my desk any longer。 I can post it in ten minutes' timeand I
will！
〃It is done。 The first of the three steps that lead me to the end
is a step taken。 My mind is quieterthe letter is in the post。
〃By to…morrow Midwinter will receive it。 Before the end of the
week Armadale must be publicly seen to leave Thorpe Ambrose； and
I must be publicly seen to leave with him。
〃Have I looked at the consequences of my marriage to Midwinter？
No！ Do I know how to meet the obstacle of my husband； when the
time comes which transforms me from the living Armadale's wife to
the dead Armadale's widow？
〃No！ When the time comes； I must meet the obstacle as I best may。
I am going blindfold； thenso far as Midwinter is
concernedinto this frightful risk？ Yes； blindfold。 Am I out of
my senses？ Very likely。 Or am I a little too fond of him to look
the thing in the face？ I dare say。 Who cares？
〃I won't； I won't； I won't think of it！ Haven't I a will of my
own？ And can't I think； if I like； of something else？
〃Here is Mother Jezebel's cringing letter。 _That_ is something
else to think of。 I'll answer it。 I am in a fine humor for
writing to Mother Jezebel。
* * * * * * *
_Conclusion of Miss Gwilt's Letter to Mrs。 Oldershaw。_
〃。。。。 I told you； when I broke off； that I would wait before I
finished this； and ask my Diary if I could safely tell you what I
have now got it in my mind to do。 Well； I have
