armadale-第135章

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two　names；　and　thanks　to　the　careful　manner　in　which　the　secret
of　that　similarity　has　been　kept；　I　may　be　the　wife　of　the　dark
Allan　Armadale；　known　as　such　to　nobody　but　my　husband　and
myself；　and　I　may；　out　of　that　very　position；　claim　the　character
of　widow　of　the　light　Allan　Armadale；　with　proof　to　support　me
（in　the　shape　of　my　marriage　certificate）　which　would　be　proof　in
the　estimation　of　the　most　incredulous　person　living。

〃To　think　of　my　having　put　all　this　in　my　Diary！　To　think　of　my
having　actually　contemplated　this　very　situation；　and　having　seen
nothing　more　in　it；　at　the　time；　than　a　reason　（if　I　married
Midwinter）　for　consenting　to　appear　in　the　world　under　my
husband's　assumed　name！

〃What　is　it　daunts　me？　The　dread　of　obstacles？　The　fear　of
discovery？

〃Where　are　the　obstacles？　Where　is　the　fear　of　discovery？

〃I　am　actually　suspected　all　over　the　neighborhood　of　intriguing
to　be　mistress　of　Thorpe　Ambrose。　I　am　the　only　person　who　knows
the　real　turn　that　Armadale's　inclinations　have　taken。　Not　a
creature　but　myself　is　as　yet　aware　of　his　early　morning　meetings
with　Miss　Milroy。　If　it　is　necessary　to　part　them；　I　can　do　it　at
any　moment　by　an　anonymous　line　to　the　major。　If　it　is　necessary
to　remove　Armadale　from　Thorpe　Ambrose；　I　can　get　him　away　at
three　days'　notice。　His　own　lips　informed　me；　when　I　last　spoke
to　him；　that　he　would　go　to　the　ends　of　the　earth　to　be　friends
again　with　Midwinter；　if　Midwinter　would　let　him。　I　have　only　to
tell　Midwinter　to　write　from　London；　and　ask　to　be　reconciled；
and　Midwinter　would　obey　meand　to　London　Armadale　would　go。
Every　difficulty；　at　starting；　is　smoothed　over　ready　to　my　hand。
Every　after…difficulty　I　could　manage　for　myself。　In　the　whole
venturedesperate　as　it　looks　to　pass　myself　off　for　the　widow
of　one　man；　while　I　am　all　the　while　the　wife　of　the　otherthere
is　absolutely　no　necessity　that　wants　twice　considering；　but　the
one　terrible　necessity　of　Armadale's　death。

〃His　death！　It　might　be　a　terrible　necessity　to　any　other　woman；
but　is　it；　ought　it　to　be　terrible　to　Me？

〃I　hate　him　for　his　mother's　sake。　I　hate　him　for　his　own　sake。　I
hate　him　for　going　to　London　behind　my　back；　and　making　inquiries
about　me。　I　hate　him　for　forcing　me　out　of　my　situation　before　I
wanted　to　go。　I　hate　him　for　destroying　all　my　hopes　of　marrying
him；　and　throwing　me　back　helpless　on　my　own　miserable　life。　But；
oh；　after　what　I　have　done　already　in　the　past　time；　how　can　I？
how　can　I？

〃The　girl；　toothe　girl　who　has　come　between　us；　who　has　taken
him　away　from　me；　who　has　openly　insulted　me　this　very　dayhow
the　girl　whose　heart　is　set　on　him　would　feel　it　if　he　　died！　What
a　vengeance　on　_her；_　if　I　did　it！　And　when　I　was　received　as
Armadale's　widow　what　a　triumph　fo　r　_me。_　Triumph！　It　is　more
than　triumphit　is　the　salvation　of　me。　A　name　that　can't　be
assailed；　a　station　that　can't　be　assailed；　to　hide　myself　in
from　my　past　life！　Comfort；　luxury；　wealth！　An　income　of　twelve
hundred　a　year　secured　to　me　secured　by　a　will　which　has　been
looked　at　by　a　lawyer：　secured　independently　of　anything　Armadale
can　say　or　do　himself！　I　never　had　twelve　hundred　a　year。　At　my
luckiest　time；　I　never　had　half　as　much；　really　my　own。　What　have
I　got　now？　Just　five　pounds　left　in　the　worldand　the　prospect
next　week　of　a　debtor's　prison。

〃But；　oh；　after　what　I　have　done　already　in　the　past　time；　how
can　I？　how　can　I？

〃Some　womenin　my　place；　and　with　my　recollections　to　look　back
onwould　feel　it　differently。　Some　women　would　say；　'It's　easier
the　second　time　than　the　first。'　Why　can't　I？　why　can't　I？

〃Oh；　you　Devil　tempting　me；　is　there　no　Angel　near　to　raise　some
timely　obstacle　between　this　and　to…morrow　which　might　help　me　to
give　it　up？

〃I　shall　sink　under　itI　shall　sink；　if　I　write　or　think　of　it
any　more！　I'll　shut　up　these　leaves　and　go　out　again。　I'll　get
some　common　person　to　come　with　me；　and　we　will　talk　of　common
things。　I'll　take　out　the　woman　of　the　house；　and　her　children。
We　will　go　and　see　something。　There　is　a　show　of　some　kind　in　the
townI'll　treat　them　to　it。　I'm　not　such　an　ill…natured　woman
when　I　try；　and　the　landlady　has　really　been　kind　to　me。　Surely　I
might　occupy　my　mind　a　little　in　seeing　her　and　her　children
enjoying　themselves。


〃A　minute　since；　I　shut　up　these　leaves　as　I　said　I　would；　and
now　I　have　opened　them　again；　I　don't　know　why。　I　think　my　brain
is　turned。　I　feel　as　if　something　was　lost　out　of　my　mind；　I　feel
as　if　I　ought　to　find　it　here

〃I　have　found　it！　_Midwinter！！！_

〃Is　it　possible　that　I　can　have　been　thinking　of　the　reasons　For
and　Against；　for　an　hour　pastwriting　Midwinter's　name　over　and
over　againspeculating　seriously　on　marrying　himand　all　the
time　not　once　remembering　that；　even　with　every　other　impediment
removed；　_he_　alone；　when　the　time　came；　would　be　an
insurmountable　obstacle　in　my　way？　Has　the　effort　to　face　the
consideration　of　Armadale's　death　absorbed　me　to　_that_　degree？　I
suppose　it　has。　I　can't　account　for　such　extraordinary
forgetfulness　on　my　part　in　any　other　way。

〃Shall　I　stop　and　think　it　out；　as　I　have　thought　out　all　the
rest？　Shall　I　ask　myself　if　the　obstacle　of　Midwinter　would；
after　all；　when　the　time　came；　be　the　unmanageable　obstacle　that
it　looks　at　present？　No！　What　need　is　there　to　think　of　it？　I
have　made　up　my　mind　to　get　the　better　of　the　temptation。　I　have
made　up　my　mind　to　give　my　landlady　and　her　children　a　treat；　I
have　made　up　my　mind　to　close　my　Diary。　And　closed　it　shall　be。


〃Six　o'clock。The　landlady's　gossip　is　unendurable；　the
landlady's　children　distract　me。　I　have　left　them　to　run　back
here　before　post　time　and　write　a　line　to　Mrs。　Oldershaw。

〃The　dread　that　I　shall　sink　under　the　temptation　has　grown
stronger　and　stronger　on　me。　I　have　determined　to　put　it　beyond
my　power　to　have　my　own　way　and　follow　my　own　will。　Mother
Oldershaw　shall　be　the　salvation　of　me　for　the　first　time　since　I
have　known　her。　If　I　can't　pay　my　note　of　hand；　she　threatens　me
with　an　arrest。　Well；　she　_shall_　arrest　me。　In　the　state　my　mind
is　in　now；　the　best　thing　that　can　happen　to　me　is　to　be　taken
away　from　Thorpe　Ambrose；　whether　I　like　it　or　not。　I　will　write
and　say　that　I　am　to　be　found　here　I　will　write　and　tell　her；　in
so　many　words；　that　the　best　service　she　can　render　me　is　to　lock
me　up。


〃Seven　o'clock。The　letter　has　gone　to　the　post。　I　had　begun　to
feel　a　little　easier；　when　the　children　came　in　to　thank　me　for
taking　them　to　the　show。　One　of　them　is　a　girl；　and　the　girl
upset　me。　She　is　a　forward　child；　and　her　hair　is　nearly　the
color　of　mine。　She　said；　'I　shall　be　like　you　when　I　have　grown
bigger；　shan't　I？'　Her　idiot　of　a　mother　said；　'Please　to　excuse
her；　miss；'　and　took　her　out　of　the　room；　laughing。　Like　me！　I
don't　pretend　to　be　fond　of　the　child；　but　think　of　her　being
like　Me！


〃Saturday　morning。I　have　done　well　for　once　in　acting　on
impulse；　and　writing　as　I　did　to　Mrs。　Oldershaw。　The　only　new
circumstance　that　has　happened　is　another　circumstance　in　my
favor！

〃Major　Milroy　has　answered　Armadale's　letter；　entreating
permission　to　call　at　the　cottage　and　justify　himself。　His
daughter　read　it　in　silence；　when　Armadale　handed　it　to　her　at
their　meeting　this　morning；　in　the　park。　But　they　talked　about　it
afterward；　loud　enough　for　me　to　hear　them。　The　major　persists　in
the　course　he　has　taken。　He　says　his　opinion　of　Armadale's
conduct　has　been　formed；　not　on　common　report；　but　on　Armadale's
own　letters；　and　he　sees　no　reason　to　alter　the　conclusion　at
which　he　arrived　when　the　correspondence　between　them　was　closed。

〃This　little　matter　had；　I　confess；　slipped　out　of　my　memory。　It
might　have　ended　awkwardly　for　_me。_　If　Major　Milroy　had　been
less　obstinately　wedded　to　his　own　opinion；　Armadale　might　have
justified　himself；　the　marriage　engagement　might　have　been
acknowledged；　and　all　_my_　power　of　influencing　the　matter　might
have　been　at　an　end。　As　it　is；　they　must　continue　to　keep　the
engagement　strictly　secret；　and　Miss　Milroy；　who　has　never
ventured　herself　near　the　great　house　since　the　thunder…storm
forced　her　into　it　for　s