armadale-第134章
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indulgence； will nothing like pay the debt I owe you。 I don't
forget that your heart is set on Armadale； and that the major；
however he may talk； has always ended hitherto in giving you your
own way。 My head may be getting duller and duller； but it has not
quite failed me yet。
〃In the meantime； there is Mother Oldershaw's letter waiting
obstinately to be answered； and here am I； not knowing what to do
about it yet。 Shall I answer it or not？ It doesn't matter for the
present； there are some hours still to spare before the post goes
out。
〃Suppose I asked Armadale to lend me the money？ I should enjoy
getting _something_ out of him； and I believe； in his present
situation with Miss Milroy； he would do anything to be rid of me。
Mean enough this； on my part。 Pooh！ When you hate and despise a
man； as I hate and despise Armadale； who cares for looking mean
in _his_ eyes？
〃And yet my prideor my something else； I don't know
whatshrinks from it。
〃Half…past twoonly half…past two。 Oh； the dreadful weariness of
these long summer days！ I can't keep thinking and thinking any
longer； I must do something to relieve my mind。 Can I go to my
piano？ No； I'm not fit for it。 Work？ No； I shall get thinking
again if I take to my needle。 A man； in my place； would find
refuge in drink。 I'm not a man； and I can't drink。 I'll dawdle
over my dresses； and put my things tidy。
* * * * * *
〃Has an hour passed？ More than an hour。 It seems like a minute。
〃I can't look back through these leaves； but I know I wrote
somewhere that I felt myself getting nearer and nearer to some
end that was still hidden from me。 The end is hidden no longer。
The cloud is off my mind； the blindness has gone from my eyes。 I
see it！ I see it！
〃It came to meI never sought it。 If I was lying on my
death…bed； I could swear； with a safe conscience； I never sought
it。
〃I was only looking over my things； I was as idly and as
frivolously employed as the most idle and most frivolous woman
living。 I went through my dresses； and my linen。 What could be
more innocent？ Children go through their dresses and their linen。
〃It was； such a long summer day； and I was so tired of myself。 I
went to my boxes next。 I looked over the large box first； which I
usually leave open； and then I tried the small box； which I
always keep locked。
〃From one thing to the other； I came at last to the bundle of
letters at the bottomthe letters of the man for whom I once
sacrificed and suffered everything； the man who has made me what
I am。
〃A hundred times I had determined to burn his letters； but I have
never burned them。 This； time； all I said wa s； 'I won't read his
letters！' And I did read them。
〃The villainthe false； cowardly； heartless villainwhat have I
to do with his letters now？ Oh； the misery of being a woman！ Oh；
the meanness that our memory of a man can tempt us to； when our
love for him is dead and gone！ I read the lettersI was so
lonely and so miserable； I read the letters。
〃I came to the lastthe letter he wrote to encourage me； when I
hesitated as the terrible time came nearer and nearer； the letter
that revived me when my resolution failed at the eleventh hour。 I
read on； line after line； till I came to these words：
〃 '。 。 。 I really have no patience with such absurdities as you
have written to me。 You say I am driving you on to do what is
beyond a woman's courage。 Am I？ I might refer you to any
collection of Trials； English or foreign。 to show that you were
utterly wrong。 But such collections may be beyond your reach； and
I will only refer you to a case in yesterday's newspaper。 The
circumstances are totally different from our circumstances； but
the example of resolution in a woman is an example worth your
notice。
〃 'You will find； among the law reports； a married woman charged
with fraudulently representing herself to be the missing widow of
an officer in the merchant service； who was supposed to have been
drowned。 The name of the prisoner's husband （living） and the name
of the officer （a very common one； both as to Christian and
surname） happened to be identically the same。 There was money to
be got by it （sorely wanted by the prisoner's husband； to whom
she was devotedly attached）； if the fraud had succeeded。 The
woman took it all on herself。 Her husband was helpless and ill；
and the bailiffs were after him。 The circumstances； as you may
read for yourself； were all in her favor； and were so well
managed by her that the lawyers themselves acknowledged she might
have succeeded； if the supposed drowned man had not turned up
alive and well in the nick of time to confront her。 The scene
took place at the lawyer's office； and came out in the evidence
at the police court。 The woman was handsome； and the sailor was a
good…natured man。 He wanted； at first； if the lawyers would have
allowed him； to let her off。 He said to her； among other things：
〃You didn't count on the drowned man coming back； alive and
hearty； did you； ma'am？〃 〃It's lucky for you；〃 she said； 〃I
didn't count on it。 You have escaped the sea； but you wouldn't
have escaped _me。_〃 〃Why； what would you have done； if you _had_
known I was coming back？〃 says the sailor。 She looked him
steadily in the face； and answered： 〃I would have killed you。〃
There！ Do you think such a woman as that would have written to
tell me I was pressing her further than she had courage to go？ A
handsome woman； too； like yourself。 You would drive some men in
my position to wish they had her now in your place。'
〃I read no further。 When I had got on； line by line； to those
words； it burst on me like a flash of lightning。 In an instant I
saw it as plainly as I see it now。 It is horrible； it is unheard
of； it outdares all daring； but； if I can only nerve myself to
face one terrible necessity； it is to be done。 _I may personate
the richly provided widow of Allan Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose； if
I can count on Allan Armadale's death in a given time。_
〃There； in plain words； is the frightful temptation under which I
now feel myself sinking。 It is frightful in more ways than one；
for it has come straight out of that other temptation to which I
yielded in the by…gone time。
〃Yes； there the letter has been waiting for me in my box； to
serve a purpose never thought of by the villain who wrote it。
There is the Case； as he called itonly quoted to taunt me；
utterly unlike my own case at the timethere it has been；
waiting and lurking for me through all the changes in my life；
till it has come to be like _my_ case at last。
〃It might startle any woman to see this； and even this is not the
worst。 The whole thing has been in my Diary； for days past；
without my knowing it！ Every idle fancy that escaped me has been
tending secretly that one way！ And I never saw； never suspected
it； till the reading of the letter put my own thoughts before me
in a new lighttill I saw the shadow of my own circumstances
suddenly reflected in one special circumstance of that other
woman's case！
〃It is to be done； if I can but look the necessity in the face。
It is to be done； _if I can count on Allan Armadale's death in a
given time。_
〃All but his death is easy。 The whole series of events under
which I have been blindly chafing and fretting for more than a
week past have been； one and allthough I was too stupid to see
itevents in my favor； events paving the way smoothly and more
smoothly straight to the end。
〃In three bold stepsonly three！that end might be reached。 Let
Midwinter marry me privately； under his real namestep the
first！ Let Armadale leave Thorpe Ambrose a single man； and die in
some distant place among strangersstep the second！
〃Why am I hesitating？ Why not go on to step the third； and last？
〃I _will_ go on。 Step the third； and last； is my appearance；
after the announcement of Armadale's death has reached this
neighborhood； in the character of Armadale's widow； with my
marriage certificate in my hand to prove my claim。 It is as clear
as the sun at noonday。 Thanks to the exact similarity between the
two names； and thanks to the careful manner in which the secret
of that similarity has been kept；
