armadale-第126章

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of　last　night's　laudanum；　I　dare　say；　in　this　part　of　my　letter。

〃He　camein　the　strangest　silent　way；　like　a　man　walking　in　his
sleephe　came　and　sat　down　by　me。　Either　the　night　was　very
close；　or　I　was　by　this　time　literally　in　a　fever：　I　couldn't
bear　my　bonnet　on；　I　couldn't　bear　my　gloves。　The　want　to　look　at
him；　and　see　what　his　singular　silence　meant；　and　the
impossibility　of　doing　it　in　the　darkening　light；　irritated　my
nerves；　till　I　thought　I　should　have　screamed。　I　took　his　hand；
to　try　if　that　would　help　me。　It　was　burning　hot；　and　it　closed
instantly　on　mineyou　know　how。　Silence；　after　_that；_　was　not
to　be　thought　of。　The　one　safe　way　was　to　begin　talking　to　him　at
once。

〃　'Don't　despise　me；'　I　said。　'I　am　obliged　to　bring　you　to　this
lonely　place；　I　should　lose　my　character　if　we　were　seen
together。'

〃I　waited　a　little。　His　hand　warned　me　once　more　not　to　let　the
silence　continue。　I　determined　to　_make_　him　speak　to　me　this
time。

〃　'You　have　interested　me；　and　frightened　me；'　I　went　on。　'You
have　written　me　a　very　strange　letter。　I　must　know　what　it
means。'

〃　'It　is　too　late　to　ask。　_You_　have　taken　the　way；　and　_I_　have
taken　the　way；　from　which　there　is　no　turning　back。'　He　made　that
strange　answer　in　a　tone　that　was　quite　new　to　mea　tone　that
made　me　even　more　uneasy　than　his　silence　had　made　me　the　moment
before。　'Too　late；'　he　repeated'too　late！　There　is　only　one
question　to　ask　me　now。'

〃　'What　is　it？'

〃As　I　said　the　words；　a　sudden　trembling　passed　from　his　hand　to
m　ine；　and　told　me　instantly　that　I　had　better　have　held　my
tongue。　Before　I　could　move；　before　I　could　think；　he　had　me　in
his　arms。　'Ask　me　if　I　love　you；'　he　whispered。　At　the　same
moment　his　head　sank　on　my　bosom；　and　some　unutterable　torture
that　was　in　him　burst　its　way　out；　as　it　does　with　_us；_　in　a
passion　of　sobs　and　tears。

〃My　first　impulse　was　the　impulse　of　a　fool。　I　was　on　the　point
of　making　our　usual　protest　and　defending　myself　in　our　usual
way。　Luckily　or　unluckily；　I　don't　know　which；　I　have　lost　the
fine　edge　of　the　sensitiveness　of　youth；　and　I　checked　the　first
movement　of　my　hands；　and　the　first　word　on　my　lips。　Oh；　dear；
how　old　I　felt；　while　he　was　sobbing　his　heart　out　on　my　breast！
How　I　thought　of　the　time　when　he　might　have　possessed　himself　of
my　love！　All　he　had　possessed　himself　of　now　wasmy　waist。

〃I　wonder　whether　I　pitied　him？　It　doesn't　matter　if　I　did。　At
any　rate；　my　hand　lifted　itself　somehow；　and　my　fingers　twined
themselves　softly　in　his　hair。　Horrible　recollections　came　back
to　me　of　other　times；　and　made　me　shudder　as　I　touched　him。　And
yet　I　did　it。　What　fools　women　are！

〃　'I　won't　reproach　you；'　I　said；　gently。　'I　won't　say　this　is　a
cruel　advantage　to　take　of　me；　in　such　a　position　as　mine。　You
are　dreadfully　agitated；　I　will　let　you　wait　a　little　and　compose
yourself。'

〃Having　got　as　far　as　that；　I　stopped　to　consider　how　I　should
put　the　questions　to　him　that　I　was　burning　to　ask。　But　I　was　too
confused；　I　suppose；　or　perhaps　too　impatient　to　consider。　I　let
out　what　was　uppermost　in　my　mind；　in　the　words　that　came　first。

〃　'I　don't　believe　you　love　me；'　I　said。　'You　write　strange
things　to　me；　you　frighten　me　with　mysteries。　What　did　you　mean
by　saying　in　your　letter　that　it　would　be　fatal　to　Mr。　Armadale
if　you　came　back　to　me？　What　danger　can　there　be　to　Mr。
Armadale？'

〃Before　I　could　finish　the　question；　he　suddenly　lifted　his　head
and　unclasped　his　arms。　I　had　apparently　touched　some　painful
subject　which　recalled　him　to　himself。　Instead　of　my　shrinking
from　_him；_　it　was　he　who　shrank　from　_me。_　I　felt　offended　with
him；　why；　I　don't　knowbut　offended　I　was；　and　I　thanked　him
with　my　bitterest　emphasis　for　remembering　what　was　due　to　me；
_at　last！_

〃　'Do　you　believe　in　Dreams？'　he　burst　out；　in　the　most　strangely
abrupt　manner；　without　taking　the　slightest　notice　of　what　I　had
said　to　him。　'Tell　me；'　he　went　on；　without　allowing　me　time　to
answer；　'were　you；　or　was　any　relation　of　yours；　ever　connected
with　Allan　Armadale's　father　or　mother？　Were　you；　or　was　anybody
belonging　to　you；　ever　in　the　island　of　Madeira？　'

〃Conceive　my　astonishment；　if　you　can。　I　turned　cold。　In　an
instant　I　turned　cold　all　over。　He　was　plainly　in　the　secret　of
what　had　happened　when　I　was　in　Mrs。　Armadale's　service　in
Madeirain　all　probability　before　he　was　born！　That　was
startling　enough　of　itself。　And　he　had　evidently　some　reason　of
his　own　for　trying　to　connect　_me_　with　those　eventswhich　was
more　startling　still。

〃　'No；'　I　said；　as　soon　as　I　could　trust　myself　to　speak。　'I　know
nothing　of　his　father　or　mother。'

〃　'And　nothing　of　the　island　of　Madeira？'

〃　'Nothing　of　the　island　of　Madeira。'

〃He　turned　his　head　away；　and　began　talking　to　himself。

〃　'Strange！'　he　said。　'As　certainly　as　I　was　in　the　Shadow's
place　at　the　window；　_she_　was　in　the　Shadow's　place　at　the
pool！'

〃Under　other　circumstances；　his　extraordinary　behavior　might　have
alarmed　me。　But　after　his　question　about　Madeira；　there　was　some
greater　fear　in　me　which　kept　all　common　alarm　at　a　distance。　I
don't　think　I　ever　determined　on　anything　in　my　life　as　I
determined　on　finding　out　how　he　had　got　his　information；　and　who
he　really　was。　It　was　quite　plain　to　me　that　I　had　roused　some
hidden　feeling　in　him　by　my　question　about　Armadale；　which　was　as
strong　in　its　way　as　his　feeling　for　_me。_　What　had　become　of　my
influence　over　him？

〃I　couldn't　imagine　what　had　become　of　it；　but　I　could　and　did
set　to　work　to　make　him　feel　it　again。

〃　'Don't　treat　me　cruelly；'　I　said；　'I　didn't　treat　_you_　cruelly
just　now。　Oh；　Mr。　Midwinter；　it's　so　lonely；　it's　so　darkdon't
frighten　me！'

〃　'Frighten　you！'　He　was　close　to　me　again　in　a　moment。　'Frighten
you！'　He　repeated　the　word　with　as　much　astonishment　as　if　I　had
woke　him　from　a　dream；　and　charged　him　with　something　that　he　had
said　in　his　sleep。

〃It　was　on　the　tip　of　my　tongue；　finding　how　I　had　surprised　him；
to　take　him　while　he　was　off　his　guard；　and　to　ask　why　my
question　about　Armadale　had　produced　such　a　change　in　his
behavior　to　me。　But　after　what　had　happened　already；　I　was　afraid
to　risk　returning　to　the　subject　too　soon。　Something　or
otherwhat　they　call　an　instinct；　I　dare　saywarned　me　to　let
Armadale　alone　for　the　present；　and　to　talk　to　him　first　about
himself。　As　I　told　you　in　one　of　my　early　letters；　I　had　noticed
signs　and　tokens　in　his　manner　and　appearance　which　convinced　me；
young　as　he　was；　that　he　had　done　something　or　suffered　something
out　of　the　common　in　his　past　life。　I　had　asked　myself　more　and
more　suspiciously　every　time　I　saw　him　whether　he　was　what　he
appeared　to　be；　and　first　and　foremost　among　my　other　doubts　was
a　doubt　whether　he　was　passing　among　us　by　his　real　name。　Having
secrets　to　keep　about　my　own　past　life；　and　having　gone　myself　in
other　days　by　more　than　one　assumed　name；　I　suppose　I　am　all　the
readier　to　suspect　other　people　when　I　find　something　mysterious
about　them。　Any　way；　having　the　suspicion　in　my　mind；　I
determined　to　startle　him；　as　he　had　startled　me；　by　an
unexpected　question　on　my　sidea　question　about　his　name。

〃While　I　was　thinking；　he　was　thinking；　and；　as　it　soon　appeared；
of　what　I　had　just　said　to　him。　'I　am　so　grieved　to　have
frightened　you；'　he　whispered；　with　that　gentleness　and　humility
which　we　all　so　heartily　despise　in　a　man　when　he　speaks　to　other
women；　and　which　we　all　so　dearly　like　when　he　speaks　to
ourselves。　'I　hardly　know　what　I　have　been　saying；'　he　went　on；
'my　mind　is　miserably　disturbed。　Pray　forgive　me；　if　you　can；　I
am　not　myself　to…night。'

〃　'I　am　not　angry；'　I　said；　'I　have　nothing　to　forgive。　We　are
both　imprudent；　we　are　both　unhappy。'　I　laid　my　head　on　his
shoulder。　'Do　you　really　love　me？'　I　asked　him；　softly；　in　a
whisper。

〃His　arm　stole　round　me　again；　and　I　felt　the　quick　beat　of　his
heart　get　quicker　and　quicker。　'If　you　only　knew！'　he　whispered
back；　'if　you　only　knew'　He　could　say　no　more。　I　felt　his　face
bending　toward　mine；　and　dropped　my　head　lower；　and　stopped　him
in　the　very　act　of　kissing　me。

〃　'No；'　I　said；　'I　am　only　a　wo