armadale-第125章
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in the street grew quieter still。 The dusk came； and I heard a
step coming with it in the silence。 My heart gave a little
jumponly think of my having any heart left！ I said to myself：
'Midwinter！' And Midwinter it was。
〃When he came in sight he was walking slowly； stopping and
hesitating at every two or three steps。 My ugly little
drawing…room window seemed to be beckoning him on in spite of
himself。 After waiting till I saw him come to a standstill； a
little aside from the house； but still within view of my
irresistible window； I put on my things and slipped out by the
back way into the garden。 The landlord and his family were at
supper； and nobody saw me。 I opened the door in the wall； and got
round by the lane into the street。 At that awkward moment I
suddenly remembered； what I had forgotten before； the spy set to
watch me； who was； no doubt； waiting somewhere in sight of the
house。
〃It was necessary to get time to think； and it was （in my state
of mind） impossible to let Midwinter go without speaking to him。
In great difficulties you generally decide at once； if you decide
at all。 I decided to make an appointment with him for the next
evening； and to consider in the interval how to manage the
interview so that it might escape observation。 This； as I felt at
the time； was leaving my own curiosity free to torment me for
four…and…twenty mortal hours； but what other choice had I？ It was
as good as giving u p being mistress of Thorpe Ambrose
altogether； to come to a private understanding with Midwinter in
the sight and possibly in the hearing of Armadale's spy。
〃Finding an old letter of yours in my pocket； I drew back into
the lane； and wrote on the blank leaf； with the little pencil
that hangs at my watch…chain： 'I must and will speak to you。 It
is impossible tonight； but be in the street tomorrow at this
time； and leave me afterward forever； if you like。 When you have
read this； overtake me； and say as you pass； without stopping or
looking round； 〃Yes； I promise。〃 '
〃I folded up the paper； and came on him suddenly from behind。 As
he started and turned round； I put the note into his hand；
pressed his hand； and passed on。 Before I had taken ten steps I
heard him behind me。 I can't say he didn't look roundI saw his
big black eyes； bright and glittering in the dusk； devour me from
head to foot in a moment； but otherwise he did what I told him。
'I can deny you nothing；' he whispered； 'I promise。' He went on
and left me。 I couldn't help thinking at the time how that brute
and booby Armadale would have spoiled everything in the same
situation。
〃I tried hard all night to think of a way of making our interview
of the next evening safe from discovery； and tried in vain。 Even
as early as this； I began to feel as if Midwinter's letter had；
in some unaccountable manner； stupefied me。
〃Monday morning made matters worse。 News came from my faithful
ally； Mr。 Bashwood； that Miss Milroy and Armadale had met and
become friends again。 You may fancy the state I was in！ An hour
or two later there came more news from Mr。 Bashwoodgood news
this time。 The mischievous idiot at Thorpe Ambrose had shown
sense enough at last to be ashamed of himself。 He had decided on
withdrawing the spy that very day； and he and his lawyer had
quarreled in consequence。
〃So here was the obstacle which I was too stupid to remove for
myself obligingly removed for me！ No more need to fret about the
coming interview with Midwinter； and plenty of time to consider
my next proceedings； now that Miss Milroy and her precious swain
had come together again。 Would you believe it； the letter； or the
man himself （I don't know which）； had taken such a hold on me
that； though I tried and tried； I could think of nothing else；
and this when I had every reason to fear that Miss Milroy was in
a fair way of changing her name to Armadale； and when I knew that
my heavy debt of obligation to her was not paid yet？ Was there
ever such perversity？ I can't account for it； can you？
〃The dusk of the evening came at last。 I looked out of the
windowand there he was！
〃I joined him at once； the people of the house； as before； being
too much absorbed in their eating and drinking to notice anything
else。 'We mustn't be seen together here；' I whispered。 'I must go
on first； and you must follow me。'
〃He said nothing in the way of reply。 What was going on in his
mind I can't pretend to guess； but； after coming to his
appointment； he actually hung back as if he was half inclined to
go away again。
〃 'You look as if you were afraid of me；' I said。
〃 'I _am_ afraid of you；' he answered'of you； and of myself。'
〃It was not encouraging； it was not complimentary。 But I was in
such a frenzy of curiosity by this time that； if he had been
ruder still； I should have taken no notice of it。 I led the way a
few steps toward the new buildings； and stopped and looked round
after him。
〃 'Must I ask it of you as a favor；' I said； 'after your giving
me your promise； and after such a letter as you have written to
me？'
〃Something suddenly changed him； he was at my side in an instant。
'I beg your pardon； Miss Gwilt； lead the way where you please。'
He dropped back a little after that answer； and I heard him say
to himself； 'What _is_ to be _will_ be。 What have I to do with
it； and what has she？'
〃It could hardly have been the words； for I didn't understand
themit must have been the tone he spoke in； I suppose； that
made me feel a momentary tremor。 I was half inclined； without the
ghost of a reason for it； to wish him good…night； and go in
again。 Not much like me； you will say。 Not much； indeed！ It
didn't last a moment。 Your darling Lydia soon came to her senses
again。
〃I led the way toward the unfinished cottages； and the country
beyond。 It would have been much more to my taste to have had him
into the house； and have talked to him in the light of the
candles。 But I had risked it once already； and in this
scandal…mongering place； and in my critical position； I was
afraid to risk it again。 The garden was not to be thought of
either； for the landlord smokes his pipe there after his supper。
There was no alternative but to take him away from the town。
〃From time to time； I looked back as I went on。 There he was；
always at the same distance； dim and ghost…like in the dusk；
silently following me。
〃I must leave off for a little while。 The church bells have
broken out； and the jangling of them drives me mad。 In these
days； when we have all got watches and clocks； why are bells
wanted to remind us when the service begins？ We don't require to
be rung into the theater。 How excessively discreditable to the
clergy to be obliged to ring us into the church！
〃They have rung the congregation in at last； and 1 can take up my
pen； and go on again。
〃I was a little in doubt where to lead him to。 The high…road was
on one side of me； but； empty as it looked； somebody might be
passing when we least expected It。 The other way was through the
coppice。 I led him through the coppice。
〃At the outskirts of the trees； on the other side； there was a
dip in the ground with some felled timber lying on it； and a
little pool beyond； still and white and shining in the twilight。
The long grazing…grounds rose over its further shore； with the
mist thickening on them； and a dim black line far away of cattle
in slow procession going home。 There wasn't a living creature
near； there wasn't a sound to be heard。 I sat down on one of the
felled trees and looked back for him。 'Come；' I said；
softly'come and sit by me here。'
〃Why am I so particular about all this？ I hardly know。 The place
made an unaccountably vivid impression on me； and I can't help
writing about it。 If I end badlysuppose we say on the
scaffold？I believe the last thing I shall see； before the
hangman pulls the drop； will be the little shining pool； and the
long； misty grazing…grounds； and the cattle winding dimly home in
the thickening night。 Don't be alarmed； you worthy creature！ My
fancies play me strange tricks sometimes； and there is a little
of last night's laudanum； I dare say； in this part of my le
