armadale-第124章

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little　importance　to　its　possessor　that　he　never　appears　to　have
missed　it　afterward）；　I　am　quite　astonished　at　our　virtues；　and
not　in　the　least　surprised　at　our　faults。

〃I　am　wandering　a　little；　I　am　losing　myself　in　serious　thought；
like　that　sweet　character　in　Shakespeare　who　was　'fancy　free。'
One　last　word；　dearest；　to　say　that　my　longing　for　an　answer　to
this　proceeds　entirely　from　my　wish　to　hear　from　you　again　in
your　old　friendly　tone；　and　is　quite　unconnected　with　any
curiosity　to　know　what　you　are　doing　at　Thorpe　Ambroseexcept
such　curiosity　as　you　yourself　might　approve。　Need　I　add　that　I
beg　you　as　a　favor　to　_me_　to　renew；　on　the　customary　terms？　I
refer　to　the　little　bill　due　on　Tuesday　next；　and　I　venture　to
suggest　that　day　six　weeks。

〃Yours；　with　a　truly　motherly　feeling；

〃MARIA　OLDERSHAW。〃

9。　_From　Miss　Gwilt　to　Mrs。　Oldershaw。_

〃Paradise　Place；　July　27th。

〃I　HAVE　just　got　your　last　letter。　The　brazen　impudence　of　it　has
roused　me。　I　am　to　be　treated　like　a　child；　am　I？to　be
threatened　first；　and　then；　if　threatening　fails；　to　be　coaxed
afterward？　You　_　shall_　coax　me；　you　shall　know；　my　motherly
friend；　the　sort　of　child　you　have　to　deal　with。

〃I　had　a　reason；　Mrs。　Oldershaw；　for　the　silence　which　has　so
seriously　offended　yo　u。　I　was　afraidactually　afraidto　let
you　into　the　secret　of　my　thoughts。　No　such　fear　troubles　me　now。
My　only　anxiety　this　morning　is　to　make　you　my　best
acknowledgments　for　the　manner　in　which　you　have　written　to　me。
After　carefully　considering　it；　I　think　the　worst　turn　I　can
possibly　do　you　is　to　tell　you　what　you　are　burning　to　know。　So
here　I　am　at　my　desk；　bent　on　telling　it。　If　you　don't　bitterly
repent；　when　you　are　at　the　end　of　this　letter；　not　having　held
to　your　first　resolution；　and　locked　me　up　out　of　harm's　way
while　you　had　the　chance；　my　name　is　not　Lydia　Gwilt。

〃Where　did　my　last　letter　end？　I　don't　remember；　and　don't　care。
Make　it　out　as　you　canI　am　not　going　back　any　further　than　this
day　week。　That　is　to　say；　Sunday　last。

〃There　was　a　thunder…storm　in　the　morning。　It　began　to　clear　off
toward　noon。　I　didn't　go　out：　I　waited　to　see　Midwinter　or　to
hear　from　him。　（Are　you　surprised　at　my　not　writing　'Mr。'　before
his　name？　We　have　got　so　familiar；　my　dear；　that　'Mr。'　would　be
quite　out　of　place。）　He　had　left　me　the　evening　before；　under
very　interesting　circumstances。　I　had　told　him　that　his　friend
Armadale　was　persecuting　me　by　means　of　a　hired　spy。　He　had
declined　to　believe　it；　and　had　gone　straight　to　Thorpe　Ambrose
to　clear　the　thing　up。　I　let　him　kiss　my　hand　before　he　went。　He
promised　to　come　back　the　next　day　（the　Sunday）。　I　felt　I　had
secured　my　influence　over　him；　and　I　believed　he　would　keep　his
word。

〃Well；　the　thunder　passed　away　as　I　told　you。　The　weather　cleared
up；　the　people　walked　out　in　their　best　clothes；　the　dinners　came
in　from　the　bakers；　I　sat　dreaming　at　my　wretched　little　hired
piano；　nicely　dressed　and　looking　my　bestand　still　no　Midwinter
appeared。　It　was　late　in　the　afternoon；　and　I　was　beginning　to
feel　offended；　when　a　letter　was　brought　to　me。　It　had　been　left
by　a　strange　messenger　who　went　away　again　immediately。　I　looked
at　the　letter。　Midwinter　at　lastin　writing；　instead　of　in
person。　I　began　to　feel　more　offended　than　ever；　for；　as　I　told
you；　I　thought　I　had　used　my　influence　over　him　to　better
purpose。

〃The　letter；　when　I　read　it；　set　my　mind　off　in　a　new　direction。
It　surprised；　it　puzzled；　it　interested　me。　I　thought；　and
thought；　and　thought　of　him；　all　the　rest　of　the　day。

〃He　began　by　asking　my　pardon　for　having　doubted　what　I　told　him。
Mr。　Armadale's　own　lips　had　confirmed　me。　They　had　quarreled　（as
I　had　anticipated　they　would）；　and　he；　and　the　man　who　had　once
been　his　dearest　friend　on　earth；　had　parted　forever。　So　far；　I
was　not　surprised。　I　was　amused　by　his　telling　me　in　his
extravagant　way　that　he　and　his　friend　were　parted　forever；　and　I
rather　wondered　what　he　would　think　when　I　carried　out　my　plan；
and　found　my　way　into　the　great　house　on　pretense　of　reconciling
them。

〃But　the　second　part　of　the　letter　set　me　thinking。　Here　it　is；
in　his　own　words。


〃　'It　is　only　by　struggling　against　myself　（and　no　language　can
say　how　hard　the　struggle　has　been）　that　I　have　decided　on
writing；　instead　of　speaking　to　you。　A　merciless　necessity　claims
my　future　life。　I　must　leave　Thorpe　Ambrose；　I　must　leave
England；　without　hesitating；　without　stopping　to　look　back。　There
are　reasonsterrible　reasons；　which　I　have　madly　trifled
withfor　my　never　letting　Mr。　Armadale　set　eyes　on　me；　or　hear
of　me　again；　after　what　has　happened　between　us。　I　must　go；　never
more　to　live　under　the　same　roof；　never　more　to　breathe　the　same
air　with　that　man。　I　must　hide　myself　from　him　under　an　assumed
name；　I　must　put　the　mountains　and　the　seas　between　us。　I　have
been　warned　as　no　human　creature　was　ever　warned　before。　I
believeI　dare　not　tell　you　whyI　believe　that；　if　the
fascination　you　have　for　me　draws　me　back　to　you；　fatal
consequences　will　come　of　it　to　the　man　whose　life　has　been　so
strangely　mingled　with　your　life　and　minethe　man　who　was　once
_your_　admirer　and　_my_　friend。　And　yet；　feeling　this；　seeing　it
in　my　mind　as　plainly　as　I　see　the　sky　above　my　head；　there　is　a
weakness　in　me　that　still　shrinks　from　the　one　imperative
sacrifice　of　never　seeing　you　again。　I　am　fighting　with　it　as　a
man　fights　with　the　strength　of　his　despair。　I　have　been　near
enough；　not　an　hour　since；　to　see　the　house　where　you　live；　and
have　forced　myself　away　again　out　of　sight　of　it。　Can　I　force
myself　away　further　still；　now　that　my　letter　is　writtennow；
when　the　useless　confession　escapes　me；　and　I　own　to　loving　you
with　the　first　love　I　have　ever　known；　with　the　last　love　I　shall
ever　feel？　Let　the　coming　time　answer　the　question；　I　dare　not
write　of　it　or　think　of　it　more。'


〃Those　were　the　last　words。　In　that　strange　way　the　letter　ended。

〃I　felt　a　perfect　fever　of　curiosity　to　know　what　he　meant。　His
loving　me；　of　course；　was　easy　enough　to　understand。　But　what　did
he　mean　by　saying　he　had　been　warned？　Why　was　he　never　to　live
under　the　same　roof；　never　to　breathe　the　same　air　again；　with
young　Armadale？　What　sort　of　quarrel　could　it　be　which　obliged
one　man　to　hide　himself　from　another　under　an　assumed　name；　and
to　put　the　mountains　and　the　seas　between　them？　Above　all；　if　he
came　back；　and　let　me　fascinate　him；　why　should　it　be　fatal　to
the　hateful　lout　who　possesses　the　noble　fortune　and　lives　in　the
great　house？

〃I　never　longed　in　my　life　as　I　longed　to　see　him　again　and　put
these　questions　to　him。　I　got　quite　superstitious　about　it　as　the
day　drew　on。　They　gave　me　a　sweet…bread　and　a　cherry　pudding　for
dinner。　I　actually　tried　if　he　would　come　back　by　the　stones　in
the　plate！　He　will；　he　won't；　he　will；　he　won'tand　so　on。　It
ended　in　'He　won't。'　I　rang　the　bell；　and　had　the　things　taken
away。　I　contradicted　Destiny　quite　fiercely。　I　said；　'He　will！'
and　I　waited　at　home　for　him。

〃You　don't　know　what　a　pleasure　it　is　to　me　to　give　you　all　these
little　particulars。　Count　upmy　bosom　friend；　my　second
mothercount　up　the　money　you　have　advanced　on　the　chance　of　my
becoming　Mrs。　Armadale；　and　then　think　of　my　feeling　this
breathless　interest　in　another　man。　Oh；　Mrs。　Oldershaw；　how
intensely　I　enjoy　the　luxury　of　irritating　you！

〃The　day　got　on　toward　evening。　I　rang　again；　and　sent　down　to
borrow　a　railway　time…table。　What　trains　were　there　to　take　him
away　on　Sunday？　The　national　respect　for　the　Sabbath　stood　my
friend。　There　was　only　one　train；　which　had　started　hours　before
he　wrote　to　me。　I　went　and　consulted　my　glass。　It　paid　me　the
compliment　of　contradicting　the　divination　by　cherry…stones。　My
glass　said：　'Get　behind　the　window…curtain；　he　won't　pass　the
long　lonely　evening　without　coming　back　again　to　look　at　the
house。'　I　got　behind　the　window…curtain；　and　waited　with　his
letter　in　my　hand。

〃The　dismal　Sunday　light　faded；　and　the　dismal　Sunday　quietness
in　the　street　grew　quieter　still。　The　dusk　came；　and　I　heard　a
step　coming　with　it　in　the　silence。　My　heart　gave　a　little
jumpon