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第9章

dream days-第9章

小说: dream days 字数: 每页4000字

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take back their word。  For them there are so many compensations。 

Life lies at their feet; a party…coloured india…rubber ball; they

may kick it this way or kick it that; it turns up blue; yellow;

or green; but always coloured and glistening。  Thus one sees it

happen almost every day; and; with a jest and a laugh; the thing

is over; and the disappointed one turns to fresh pleasure; lying

ready to his hand。  But with those who are below them; whose

little globe is swayed by them; who rush to build star…pointing

alhambras on their most casual word; they really ought to be more

careful。



In this case of the circus; for instance; it was not as if we had

led up to the subject。  It was they who began it entirely

prompted thereto by the local newspaper。  〃What; a circus!〃 said

they; in their irritating; casual way: 〃that would be nice to

take the children to。  Wednesday would be a good day。  Suppose we

go on Wednesday。  Oh; and pleats are being worn again; with rows

of deep braid;〃 etc。



What the others thought I know not; what they said; if they said

anything; I did not comprehend。  For me the house was bursting;

walls seemed to cramp and to stifle; the roof was jumping and

lifting。  Escape was the imperative thingto escape into the

open air; to shake off bricks and mortar; and to wander in the

unfrequented places of the earth; the more properly to take in

the passion and the promise of the giddy situation。



Nature seemed prim and staid that day and the globe gave no

hint that it was flying round a circus ring of its own。  Could

they really be true; I wondered; all those bewildering things I

had heard tell of circuses?  Did long…tailed ponies really walk

on their hind…legs and fire off pistols?  Was it humanly possible

for clowns to perform one…half of the bewitching drolleries

recorded in history?  And how; oh; how dare I venture to believe

that; from off the backs of creamy Arab steeds; ladies of more

than earthly beauty discharged themselves through paper hoops? 

No; it was not altogether possible; there must have been some

exaggeration。  Still; I would be content with very little; I

would take a low percentagea very small proportion of the

circus myth would more than satisfy me。  But again; even

supposing that history were; once in a way; no liar; could it be

that I myself was really fated to look upon this thing in the

flesh and to live through it; to survive the rapture?  No; it was

altogether too much。  Something was bound to happen; one of us

would develop measles; the world would blow up with a loud

explosion。  I must not dare; I must not presume; to entertain the

smallest hope。  I must endeavour sternly to think of something

else。



Needless to say; I thought; I dreamed of nothing else; day or

night。  Waking; I walked arm…in…arm with a clown; and cracked a

portentous whip to the brave music of a band。  Sleeping; I

pursuedperched astride of a coal…black horsea princess all

gauze and spangles; who always managed to keep just one

unattainable length ahead。  In the early morning Harold and I;

once fully awake; cross…examined each other as to the

possibilities of this or that circus tradition; and exhausted the

lore long ere the first housemaid was stirring。  In this

state of exaltation we slipped onward to what promised to be a

day of all white dayswhich brings me right back to my text;

that grown…up people really ought to be more careful。



I had known it could never really be; I had said so to myself a

dozen times。  The vision was too sweetly ethereal for embodiment。



Yet the pang of the disillusionment was none the less keen and

sickening; and the pain was as that of a corporeal wound。  It

seemed strange and foreboding; when we entered the breakfast…

room; not to find everybody cracking whips; jumping over chairs;

and whooping。  In ecstatic rehearsal of the wild reality to come。



The situation became grim and pallid indeed; when I caught the

expressions 〃garden…party〃 and 〃my mauve tulle;〃 and realized

that they both referred to that very afternoon。  And every

minute; as I sat silent and listened; my heart sank lower and

lower; descending relentlessly like a clock…weight into my boot

soles。



Throughout my agony I never dreamed of resorting to a direct

question; much less a reproach。  Even during the period of joyful

anticipation some fear of breaking the spell had kept me from any

bald circus talk in the presence of them。  But Harold; who was

built in quite another way; so soon as he discerned the drift of

their conversation and heard the knell of all his hopes; filled

the room with wail and clamour of bereavement。  The grinning

welkin rang with 〃Circus!〃  〃Circus!〃 shook the window…panes; the

mocking walls re…echoed 〃Circus!〃  Circus he would have; and the

whole circus; and nothing but the circus。  No compromise for him;

no evasions; no fallacious; unsecured promises to pay。  He

had drawn his cheque on the Bank of Expectation; and it had

got to be cashed then and there; else he would yell; and yell

himself into a fit; and come out of it and yell again。  Yelling

should be his profession; his art; his mission; his career。  He

was qualified; he was resolute; and he was in no hurry to retire

from the business。



The noisy ones of the world; if they do not always shout

themselves into the imperial purple; are sure at least of

receiving attention。  If they cannot sell everything at their own

price; one thingsilencemust; at any cost; be purchased of

them。  Harold accordingly had to be consoled by the employment of

every specious fallacy and base…born trick known to those whose

doom it is to handle children。  For me their hollow cajolery had

no interest; I could pluck no consolation out of their bankrupt

though prodigal pledges I only waited till that hateful;

well…known 〃Some other time; dear!〃 told me that hope was finally

dead。  Then I left the room without any remark。  It made it

worseif anything couldto hear that stale; worn…out old

phrase; still supposed by those dullards to have some efficacy。



To nature; as usual; I drifted by instinct; and there; out of the

track of humanity; under a friendly hedge…row had my black hour

unseen。  The world was a globe no longer; space was no more

filled with whirling circuses of spheres。  That day the old

beliefs rose up and asserted themselves; and the earth was flat

againditch…riddled; stagnant; and deadly flat。  The undeviating

roads crawled straight and white; elms dressed themselves stiffly

along inflexible hedges; all nature; centrifugal no longer;

sprawled flatly in lines out to its farthest edge; and I felt

just like walking out to that terminus; and dropping quietly

off。  Then; as I sat there; morosely chewing bits of stick; the

recollection came back to me of certain fascinating

advertisements I had spelled out in the papersadvertisements of

great and happy men; owning big ships of tonnage running into

four figures; who yet craved; to the extent of public

supplication; for the sympathetic co…operation of youths as

apprentices。  I did not rightly know what apprentices might be;

nor whether I was yet big enough to be styled a youth; but one

thing seemed clear; that; by some such means as this; whatever

the intervening hardships; I could eventually visit all the

circuses of the worldthe circuses of merry France and gaudy

Spain; of Holland and Bohemia; of China and Peru。  Here was a

plan worth thinking out in all its bearings; for something had

presently to be done to end this intolerable state of things。



Mid…day; and even feeding…time; passed by gloomily enough; till a

small disturbance occurred which had the effect of releasing some

of the electricity with which the air was charged。  Harold; it

should be explained; was of a very different mental mould; and

never brooded; moped; nor ate his heart out over any

disappointment。  One wild outburstone dissolution of a minute

into h

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