dream days-第9章

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take　back　their　word。　　For　them　there　are　so　many　compensations。　

Life　lies　at　their　feet；　a　party…coloured　india…rubber　ball；　they

may　kick　it　this　way　or　kick　it　that；　it　turns　up　blue；　yellow；

or　green；　but　always　coloured　and　glistening。　　Thus　one　sees　it

happen　almost　every　day；　and；　with　a　jest　and　a　laugh；　the　thing

is　over；　and　the　disappointed　one　turns　to　fresh　pleasure；　lying

ready　to　his　hand。　　But　with　those　who　are　below　them；　whose

little　globe　is　swayed　by　them；　who　rush　to　build　star…pointing

alhambras　on　their　most　casual　word；　they　really　ought　to　be　more

careful。



In　this　case　of　the　circus；　for　instance；　it　was　not　as　if　we　had

led　up　to　the　subject。　　It　was　they　who　began　it　entirely

prompted　thereto　by　the　local　newspaper。　　〃What；　a　circus！〃　said

they；　in　their　irritating；　casual　way：　〃that　would　be　nice　to

take　the　children　to。　　Wednesday　would　be　a　good　day。　　Suppose　we

go　on　Wednesday。　　Oh；　and　pleats　are　being　worn　again；　with　rows

of　deep　braid；〃　etc。



What　the　others　thought　I　know　not；　what　they　said；　if　they　said

anything；　I　did　not　comprehend。　　For　me　the　house　was　bursting；

walls　seemed　to　cramp　and　to　stifle；　the　roof　was　jumping　and

lifting。　　Escape　was　the　imperative　thingto　escape　into　the

open　air；　to　shake　off　bricks　and　mortar；　and　to　wander　in　the

unfrequented　places　of　the　earth；　the　more　properly　to　take　in

the　passion　and　the　promise　of　the　giddy　situation。



Nature　seemed　prim　and　staid　that　day　and　the　globe　gave　no

hint　that　it　was　flying　round　a　circus　ring　of　its　own。　　Could

they　really　be　true；　I　wondered；　all　those　bewildering　things　I

had　heard　tell　of　circuses？　　Did　long…tailed　ponies　really　walk

on　their　hind…legs　and　fire　off　pistols？　　Was　it　humanly　possible

for　clowns　to　perform　one…half　of　the　bewitching　drolleries

recorded　in　history？　　And　how；　oh；　how　dare　I　venture　to　believe

that；　from　off　the　backs　of　creamy　Arab　steeds；　ladies　of　more

than　earthly　beauty　discharged　themselves　through　paper　hoops？　

No；　it　was　not　altogether　possible；　there　must　have　been　some

exaggeration。　　Still；　I　would　be　content　with　very　little；　I

would　take　a　low　percentagea　very　small　proportion　of　the

circus　myth　would　more　than　satisfy　me。　　But　again；　even

supposing　that　history　were；　once　in　a　way；　no　liar；　could　it　be

that　I　myself　was　really　fated　to　look　upon　this　thing　in　the

flesh　and　to　live　through　it；　to　survive　the　rapture？　　No；　it　was

altogether　too　much。　　Something　was　bound　to　happen；　one　of　us

would　develop　measles；　the　world　would　blow　up　with　a　loud

explosion。　　I　must　not　dare；　I　must　not　presume；　to　entertain　the

smallest　hope。　　I　must　endeavour　sternly　to　think　of　something

else。



Needless　to　say；　I　thought；　I　dreamed　of　nothing　else；　day　or

night。　　Waking；　I　walked　arm…in…arm　with　a　clown；　and　cracked　a

portentous　whip　to　the　brave　music　of　a　band。　　Sleeping；　I

pursuedperched　astride　of　a　coal…black　horsea　princess　all

gauze　and　spangles；　who　always　managed　to　keep　just　one

unattainable　length　ahead。　　In　the　early　morning　Harold　and　I；

once　fully　awake；　cross…examined　each　other　as　to　the

possibilities　of　this　or　that　circus　tradition；　and　exhausted　the

lore　long　ere　the　first　housemaid　was　stirring。　　In　this

state　of　exaltation　we　slipped　onward　to　what　promised　to　be　a

day　of　all　white　dayswhich　brings　me　right　back　to　my　text；

that　grown…up　people　really　ought　to　be　more　careful。



I　had　known　it　could　never　really　be；　I　had　said　so　to　myself　a

dozen　times。　　The　vision　was　too　sweetly　ethereal　for　embodiment。



Yet　the　pang　of　the　disillusionment　was　none　the　less　keen　and

sickening；　and　the　pain　was　as　that　of　a　corporeal　wound。　　It

seemed　strange　and　foreboding；　when　we　entered　the　breakfast…

room；　not　to　find　everybody　cracking　whips；　jumping　over　chairs；

and　whooping。　　In　ecstatic　rehearsal　of　the　wild　reality　to　come。



The　situation　became　grim　and　pallid　indeed；　when　I　caught　the

expressions　〃garden…party〃　and　〃my　mauve　tulle；〃　and　realized

that　they　both　referred　to　that　very　afternoon。　　And　every

minute；　as　I　sat　silent　and　listened；　my　heart　sank　lower　and

lower；　descending　relentlessly　like　a　clock…weight　into　my　boot

soles。



Throughout　my　agony　I　never　dreamed　of　resorting　to　a　direct

question；　much　less　a　reproach。　　Even　during　the　period　of　joyful

anticipation　some　fear　of　breaking　the　spell　had　kept　me　from　any

bald　circus　talk　in　the　presence　of　them。　　But　Harold；　who　was

built　in　quite　another　way；　so　soon　as　he　discerned　the　drift　of

their　conversation　and　heard　the　knell　of　all　his　hopes；　filled

the　room　with　wail　and　clamour　of　bereavement。　　The　grinning

welkin　rang　with　〃Circus！〃　　〃Circus！〃　shook　the　window…panes；　the

mocking　walls　re…echoed　〃Circus！〃　　Circus　he　would　have；　and　the

whole　circus；　and　nothing　but　the　circus。　　No　compromise　for　him；

no　evasions；　no　fallacious；　unsecured　promises　to　pay。　　He

had　drawn　his　cheque　on　the　Bank　of　Expectation；　and　it　had

got　to　be　cashed　then　and　there；　else　he　would　yell；　and　yell

himself　into　a　fit；　and　come　out　of　it　and　yell　again。　　Yelling

should　be　his　profession；　his　art；　his　mission；　his　career。　　He

was　qualified；　he　was　resolute；　and　he　was　in　no　hurry　to　retire

from　the　business。



The　noisy　ones　of　the　world；　if　they　do　not　always　shout

themselves　into　the　imperial　purple；　are　sure　at　least　of

receiving　attention。　　If　they　cannot　sell　everything　at　their　own

price；　one　thingsilencemust；　at　any　cost；　be　purchased　of

them。　　Harold　accordingly　had　to　be　consoled　by　the　employment　of

every　specious　fallacy　and　base…born　trick　known　to　those　whose

doom　it　is　to　handle　children。　　For　me　their　hollow　cajolery　had

no　interest；　I　could　pluck　no　consolation　out　of　their　bankrupt

though　prodigal　pledges　I　only　waited　till　that　hateful；

well…known　〃Some　other　time；　dear！〃　told　me　that　hope　was　finally

dead。　　Then　I　left　the　room　without　any　remark。　　It　made　it

worseif　anything　couldto　hear　that　stale；　worn…out　old

phrase；　still　supposed　by　those　dullards　to　have　some　efficacy。



To　nature；　as　usual；　I　drifted　by　instinct；　and　there；　out　of　the

track　of　humanity；　under　a　friendly　hedge…row　had　my　black　hour

unseen。　　The　world　was　a　globe　no　longer；　space　was　no　more

filled　with　whirling　circuses　of　spheres。　　That　day　the　old

beliefs　rose　up　and　asserted　themselves；　and　the　earth　was　flat

againditch…riddled；　stagnant；　and　deadly　flat。　　The　undeviating

roads　crawled　straight　and　white；　elms　dressed　themselves　stiffly

along　inflexible　hedges；　all　nature；　centrifugal　no　longer；

sprawled　flatly　in　lines　out　to　its　farthest　edge；　and　I　felt

just　like　walking　out　to　that　terminus；　and　dropping　quietly

off。　　Then；　as　I　sat　there；　morosely　chewing　bits　of　stick；　the

recollection　came　back　to　me　of　certain　fascinating

advertisements　I　had　spelled　out　in　the　papersadvertisements　of

great　and　happy　men；　owning　big　ships　of　tonnage　running　into

four　figures；　who　yet　craved；　to　the　extent　of　public

supplication；　for　the　sympathetic　co…operation　of　youths　as

apprentices。　　I　did　not　rightly　know　what　apprentices　might　be；

nor　whether　I　was　yet　big　enough　to　be　styled　a　youth；　but　one

thing　seemed　clear；　that；　by　some　such　means　as　this；　whatever

the　intervening　hardships；　I　could　eventually　visit　all　the

circuses　of　the　worldthe　circuses　of　merry　France　and　gaudy

Spain；　of　Holland　and　Bohemia；　of　China　and　Peru。　　Here　was　a

plan　worth　thinking　out　in　all　its　bearings；　for　something　had

presently　to　be　done　to　end　this　intolerable　state　of　things。



Mid…day；　and　even　feeding…time；　passed　by　gloomily　enough；　till　a

small　disturbance　occurred　which　had　the　effect　of　releasing　some

of　the　electricity　with　which　the　air　was　charged。　　Harold；　it

should　be　explained；　was　of　a　very　different　mental　mould；　and

never　brooded；　moped；　nor　ate　his　heart　out　over　any

disappointment。　　One　wild　outburstone　dissolution　of　a　minute

into　h