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第14章

the old bachelor-第14章

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FOND。  Nay; I find you are both in a story; that I must confess。 But; whatnot to be cured of the colic?  Don't you know your patient; Mrs。 Quack?  Oh; 'lie upon your stomach; lying upon your stomach will cure you of the colic。'  Ah! answer me; Jezebel?

LAET。  Let the wicked man answer for himself:  does he think I have nothing to do but excuse him? 'tis enough if I can clear my own innocence to my own dear。

BELL。  By my troth; and so 'tis。  I have been a little too backward; that's the truth on't。

FOND。  Come; sir; who are you; in the first place?  And what are you?

BELL。  A whore…master。

FOND。  Very concise。

LAET。  O beastly; impudent creature。

FOND。  Well; sir; and what came you hither for?

BELL。  To lie with your wife。

FOND。  Good again。  A very civil person this; and I believe speaks truth。

LAET。  Oh; insupportable impudence。

FOND。  Well; sir; pray be coveredand you haveHeh!  You have finished the matter; heh?  And I am; as I should be; a sort of civil perquisite to a whore…master; called a cuckold; heh?  Is it not so?  Come; I'm inclining to believe every word you say。

BELL。  Why; faith; I must confess; so I designed you; but you were a little unlucky in coming so soon; and hindered the making of your own fortune。

FOND。  Humph。  Nay; if you mince the matter once and go back of your word you are not the person I took you for。  Come; come; go on boldly。What; don't be ashamed of your profession。Confess; confess; I shall love thee the better for't。  I shall; i'feck。 What; dost think I don't know how to behave myself in the employment of a cuckold; and have been three years apprentice to matrimony?  Come; come; plain dealing is a jewel。

BELL。  Well; since I see thou art a good; honest fellow; I'll confess the whole matter to thee。

FOND。  Oh; I am a very honest fellow。  You never lay with an honester man's wife in your life。

LAET。  How my heart aches!  All my comfort lies in his impudence; and heaven be praised; he has a considerable portion。  'Aside。'

BELL。  In short; then; I was informed of the opportunity of your absence by my spy (for faith; honest Isaac; I have a long time designed thee this favour)。  I knew Spintext was to come by your direction。  But I laid a trap for him; and procured his habit; in which I passed upon your servants; and was conducted hither。  I pretended a fit of the colic; to excuse my lying down upon your bed; hoping that when she heard of it; her good nature would bring her to administer remedies for my distemper。  You know what might have followed。  But; like an uncivil person; you knocked at the door before your wife was come to me。

FOND。  Ha!  This is apocryphal; I may choose whether I will believe it or no。

BELL。  That you may; faith; and I hope you won't believe a word on'tbut I can't help telling the truth; for my life。

FOND。  How! would not you have me believe you; say you?

BELL。  No; for then you must of consequence part with your wife; and there will be some hopes of having her upon the public; then the encouragement of a separate maintenance …

FOND。  No; no; for that matter; when she and I part; she'll carry her separate maintenance about her。

LAET。  Ah; cruel dear; how can you be so barbarous?  You'll break my heart; if you talk of parting。  'Cries。'

FOND。  Ah; dissembling vermin!

BELL。  How can'st thou be so cruel; Isaac?  Thou hast the heart of a mountain…tiger。  By the faith of a sincere sinner; she's innocent for me。  Go to him; madam; fling your snowy arms about his stubborn neck; bathe his relentless face in your salt trickling tears。  'She goes and hangs upon his neck; and kisses him。  BELLMOUR kisses her hand behind FONDLEWIFE'S back。'  So; a few soft words; and a kiss; and the good man melts。  See how kind nature works; and boils over in him。

LAET。  Indeed; my dear; I was but just come down stairs; when you knocked at the door; and the maid told me Mr。 Spintext was ill of the colic upon our bed。  And won't you speak to me; cruel Nykin? Indeed; I'll die; if you don't。

FOND。  Ah!  No; no; I cannot speak; my heart's so fullI have been a tender husband; a tender yoke…fellow; you know I have。But thou hast been a faithless Delilah; and the PhilistinesHeh!  Art thou not vile and unclean; heh?  Speak。  'Weeping。'

LAET。  No…h。  'Sighing。'

FOND。  Oh that I could believe thee!

LAET。  Oh; my heart will break。  'Seeming to faint。'

FOND。  Heh; how!  No; stay; stay; I will believe thee; I will。 Pray bend her forward; sir。

LAET。  Oh! oh!  Where is my dear?

FOND。  Here; here; I do believe thee。  I won't believe my own eyes。

BELL。  For my part; I am so charmed with the love of your turtle to you; that I'll go and solicit matrimony with all my might and main。

FOND。  Well; well; sir; as long as I believe it; 'tis well enough。 No thanks to you; sir; for her virtue。But; I'll show you the way out of my house; if you please。  Come; my dear。  Nay; I will believe thee; I do; i'feck。

BELL。  See the great blessing of an easy faith; opinion cannot err。

No husband; by his wife; can be deceived; She still is virtuous; if she's so believed。



ACT V。SCENE I。



SCENE:  The Street。

BELLMOUR in fanatic habit; SETTER; HEARTWELL; LUCY。

BELL。  Setter!  Well encountered。

SET。  Joy of your return; sir。  Have you made a good voyage? or have you brought your own lading back?

BELL。  No; I have brought nothing but ballast backmade a delicious voyage; Setter; and might have rode at anchor in the port till this time; but the enemy surprised usI would unrig。

SET。  I attend you; sir。

BELL。  Ha!  Is it not that Heartwell at Sylvia's door?  Be gone quickly; I'll follow youI would not be known。  Pox take 'em; they stand just in my way。


SCENE II。


BELLMOUR; HEARTWELL; LUCY。

HEART。  I'm impatient till it be done。

LUCY。  That may be; without troubling yourself to go again for your brother's chaplain。  Don't you see that stalking form of godliness?

HEART。  O ay; he's a fanatic。

LUCY。  An executioner qualified to do your business。  He has been lawfully ordained。

HEART。  I'll pay him well; if you'll break the matter to him。

LUCY。  I warrant you。Do you go and prepare your bride。


SCENE III。


BELLMOUR; LUCY。

BELL。  Humph; sits the wind there?  What a lucky rogue am I!  Oh; what sport will be here; if I can persuade this wench to secrecy!

LUCY。  Sir:  reverend sir。

BELL。  Madam。  'Discovers himself。'

LUCY。  Now; goodness have mercy upon me!  Mr。 Bellmour! is it you?

BELL。  Even I。  What dost think?

LUCY。  Think!  That I should not believe my eyes; and that you are not what you seem to be。

BELL。  True。  But to convince thee who I am; thou knowest my old token。  'Kisses her。'

LUCY。  Nay; Mr。 Bellmour:  O Lard!  I believe you are a parson in good earnest; you kiss so devoutly。

BELL。  Well; your business with me; Lucy?

LUCY。  I had none; but through mistake。

BELL。  Which mistake you must go through with; Lucy。  Come; I know the intrigue between Heartwell and your mistress; and you mistook me for Tribulation Spintext; to marry 'emHa? are not matters in this posture?  Confess:  come; I'll be faithful; I will; i'faith。 What! diffide in me; Lucy?

LUCY。  Alas…a…day!  You and Mr。 Vainlove; between you; have ruined my poor mistress:  you have made a gap in her reputation; and can you blame her if she make it up with a husband?

BELL。  Well; is it as I say?

LUCY。  Well; it is then:  but you'll be secret?

BELL。  Phuh; secret; ay。  And to be out of thy debt; I'll trust thee with another secret。  Your mistress must not marry Heartwell; Lucy。

LUCY。  How!  O Lord!

BELL。  Nay; don't be in passion; Lucy:… I'll provide a fitter husband for her。  Come; here's earnest of my good intentions for thee too; let this mollify。  'Gives her money。'  Look you; Heartwell is my friend; and though he be blind; I must not see him fall into the snare; and unwittingly marry a whore。

LUCY。  Whore!  I'd have you to know my mistress scorns …

BELL。  Nay; nay:  look you; Lucy; there are whores of as good quality。  But to the purpose; if you will give me leave to acquaint you with it。  Do you carry on the mistake of me:  I'll marry 'em。 Nay; don't pause; if you d

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