the garden of allah-第122章
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without itman； without it； I should be nothingno more than that。'
〃He picked up a rotten leaf； held it to me； threw it down on the
ground。 I hardly looked at it。 He had said to me： 'Man！' That word；
thus said by him； seemed to me to mark the enormous change in me； to
indicate that it was visible to the eyes of another； the heart of
another。 I had passed from the monkthe sexless beingto the man。 He
set me beside himself； spoke of me as if I were as himself。 An intense
excitement surged up in me。 I thinkI don't know what I should have
saiddonebut at that moment a boy； who acted as a servant at the
monastery； came running towards us with a letter in his hand。
〃'It is for Monsieur！' he said。 'It was left at the gate。'
〃'A letter for me！' the stranger said。
〃He held out his hand and took it indifferently。 The boy gave it； and
turning； went away through the wood。 Then the stranger glanced at the
envelope。 Domini； I wish I could make you see what I saw then； the
change that came。 I can't。 There are things the eyes must see。 The
tongue can't tell them。 The ghastly whiteness went out of his face。 A
hot flood of scarlet rushed over it up to the roots of his hair。 His
hands and his whole body began to tremble violently。 His eyes； which
were fixed on the envelope； shone with an expressionit was like all
the excitement in the world condensed into two sparks。 He dropped his
stick and sat down on the trunk of a tree； fell down almost。
〃'Father！' he muttered； 'it's not been through the postit's not been
through the post！'
〃I did not understand。
〃'What do you mean？' I asked。
〃'What'
〃The flush left his face。 He turned deadly white again。 He held out
the letter。
〃'Read it for me！' he said。 'I can't seeI can't see anything。'
〃I took the letter。 He covered his eyes with his hands。 I opened it
and read：
〃'GRAND HOTEL； TUNIS。
〃'I have found out where you are。 I have come。 Forgive meif you
can。 I will marry youor I will live with you。 As you please； but
I cannot live without you。 I know women are not admitted to the
monastery。 Come out on the road that leads to Tunis。 I am there。
At least come for a moment and speak to me。 VERONIQUE。'
〃Domini； I read this slowly； and it was as if I read my own fate。 When
I had finished he got up。 He was still pale as ashes and trembling。
〃'Which is the way to the road？' he said。 'Do you know？'
〃'Yes。'
〃'Take me there。 Give me your arm； Father。'
〃He took it； leaned on it heavily。 We walked through the wood towards
the highroad。 I had almost to support him。 The way seemed long。 I felt
tired； sick； as if I could scarcely move； as if I were bearingas if
I were bearing a cross that was too heavy for me。 We came at last out
of the shadow of the trees into the glare of the sun。 A flat field
divided us from the white road。
〃'Is thereis there a carriage？' he whispered in my ear。
〃I looked across the field and saw on the road a carriage waiting。
〃'Yes；' I said。
〃I stopped； and tried to take his arm from mine。
〃'Go；' I said。 'Go on！'
〃'I can't。 Come with me； Father。'
〃We went on in the blinding sun。 I looked down on the dry earth as I
walked。 Presently I saw at my feet the white dust of the road。 At the
same time I heard a woman's cry。 The stranger took his arm violently
from mine。
〃'Father；' he said。 'Good…byeGod bless you！'
〃He was gone。 I stood there。 In a moment I heard a roll of wheels。
Then I looked up。 I saw a man and a woman together； Domini。 Their
faces were like angels' faceswith happiness。 The dust flew up in the
sunshine。 The wheels died awayI was alone。
〃PresentlyI think after a very long timeI turned and went back to
the monastery。 Domini； that night I left the monastery。 I was as one
mad。 The wish to live had given place to the determination to live。 I
thought of nothing else。 In the chapel that evening I heard nothingI
did not see the monks。 I did not attempt to pray； for I knew that I
was going。 To go was an easy matter for me。 I slept alone in the
/hotellerie/； of which I had the key。 When it was night I unlocked the
door。 I walked to the cemeterybetween the Stations of the Cross。
Domini； I did not see them。 In the cemetery was a ladder； as I told
you。
〃Just before dawn I reached my brother's house outside of Tunis； not
far from the Bardo。 I knocked。 My brother himself came down to know
who was there。 He； as I told you； was without religion； and had always
hated my being a monk。 I told him all； without reserve。 I said； 'Help
me to go away。 Let me go anywherealone。' He gave me clothes； money。
I shaved off my beard and moustache。 I shaved my head； so that the
tonsure was no longer visible。 In the afternoon of that day I left
Tunis。 I was let loose into life。 DominiDomini； I won't tell you
where I wandered till I came to the desert； till I met you。
〃I was let loose into life； but； with my freedom； the wish to live
seemed to die in me。 I was afraid of life。 I was haunted by terrors。 I
had been a monk so long that I did not know how to live as other men。
I did not live； I never livedtill I met you。 And thenthen I
realised what life may be。 And then； too； I realised fully what I was。
I struggled； I fought myself。 You knownow； if you look back； I think
you know that I triedsometimes； oftenI tried totoI tried
to〃
His voice broke。
〃That last day in the garden I thought that I had conquered myself；
and it was in that moment that I fell for ever。 When I knew you loved
me I could fight no more。 Do you understand？ You have seen me； you
have lived with me； you have divined my misery。 But don'tdon't
think； Domini； that it ever came from you。 It was the consciousness of
my lie to you； my lie to God； thatthatI can't go onI can't tell
youI can't tell youyou know。〃
He was silent。 Domini said nothing； did not move。 He did not look at
her； but her silence seemed to terrify him。 He drew back from it
sharply and turned to the desert。 He stared across the vast spaces lit
up by the moon。 Still she did not move。
〃I'll goI'll go！〃 he muttered。
And he stepped forward。 Then Domini spoke。
〃Boris！〃 she said。
He stopped。
〃What is it？〃 he murmured hoarsely。
〃Boris； now at last youyou can pray。〃
He looked at her as if awe…stricken。
〃Pray！〃 he whispered。 〃You tell me I can praynow！〃
〃Now at last。〃
She went into the tent and left him alone。 He stood where he was for a
moment。 He knew that； in the tent； she was praying。 He stood； trying
to listen to her prayer。 Then； with an uncertain hand； he felt in his
breast。 He drew out the wooden crucifix。 He bent down his head；
touched it with his lips； and fell upon his knees in the desert。
The music had ceased in the city。 There was a great silence。
BOOK VI。 THE JOURNEY BACK
CHAPTER XXVII
The good priest of Amara； strolling by chance at the dinner…hour of
the following day towards the camp of the hospitable strangers； was
surprised and saddened to find only the sand…hill strewn with debris。
The tents； the camels； the mules； the horsesall were gone。 No
servants greeted him。 No cook was busy。 No kind hostess bade him come
in and stay to dine。 Forlornly he glanced around and made inquiry。 An
Arab told him that in the morning the camp had been struck and ere
noon was far on its way towards the north。 The priest had been on
horseback to an neighbouring oasis； so had heard nothing of this
flitting。 He asked its explanation； and was told a hundred lies。 The
one most often repeated was to the effect that Monsieur； the husband
of Madame； was overcome by the heat； and that for this reason the
travellers were making their way towards the cooler climate that lay
beyond the desert。
As he heard this a sensation of loneliness came to the priest。 His
usually cheerful countenance was overcast with gloom。 For a moment he
loathed his fate in the sands and sighed for the fleshpots of
civilisation。 With his white umbrella spread above his helmet he stood
still and gazed towards the north across the vast spaces that were
lemon…yellow in the sunset。 He fancied that on the horizon he saw
faintly a cloud of sand grains whirling； and imagined it stirred up by
the strangers' caravan
