the garden of allah-第119章

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everything　under　my　observation；　everything　connected　with　human
life。'

〃'But　human　life；'　I　said　more　quietly；　'passes　away　from　this　world。
It　is　a　shadow　in　a　world　of　shadows。'

〃'You　say　that；'　he　answered　abruptly。　'I　wonder　if　you　feel　itfeel
it　as　you　feel　my　hand　on　yours。'

〃He　laid　his　hand　on　mine。　It　was　hot　and　dry　as　if　with　fever。　Its
touch　affected　me　painfully。

〃'Is　that　hand　the　hand　of　a　shadow？'　he　said。　'Is　this　body　that　can
enjoy　and　suffer；　that　can　be　in　heaven　or　in　hellhereherea
shadow？'

〃'Within　a　week　it　might　be　less　than　a　shadow。'

〃'And　what　of　that？　This　is　now；　this　is　now。　Do　you　mean　what　you
say？　Do　you　truly　feel　that　you　are　a　shadowthat　this　garden　is　but
a　world　of　shadows？　I　feel　that　I；　that　you；　are　terrific　realities；
that　this　garden　is　of　immense　significance。　Look　at　that　sky。'

〃The　sky　above　the　cypresses　was　red　with　sunset。　The　trees　looked
black　beneath　it。　Fireflies　were　flitting　near　the　arbour　where　we
sat。

〃'That　is　the　sky　that　roofs　what　you　would　have　me　believe　a　world　of
shadows。　It　is　like　the　blood；　the　hot　blood　that　flows　and　surges　in
the　veins　of　menin　our　veins。　Ah；　but　you　are　a　monk！'

〃The　way　he　said　the　last　words　made　me　feel　suddenly　a　sense　of
shame；　Domini。　It　was　as　if　a　man　said　to　another　man；　'You　are　not　a
man。'　Can　youcan　you　understand　the　feeling　I　had　just　then？
Something　hot　and　bitter　was　in　me。　A　sort　of　desperate　sense　of
nothingness　came　over　me；　as　if　I　were　a　skeleton　sitting　there　with
flesh　and　blood　and　trying　to　believe；　and　to　make　it　believe；　that　I；
too；　was　and　had　been　flesh　and　blood。

〃'Yes；　thank　God；　I　am　a　monk；'　I　answered　quietly。

〃Something　in　my　tone；　I　think；　made　him　feel　that　he　had　been　brutal。

〃'I　am　a　brute　and　a　fool；'　he　said　vehemently。　'But　it　is　always　so
with　me。　I　always　feel　as　if　what　I　want　others　must　want。　I　always
feel　universal。　It's　folly。　You　have　your　vocation；　I　mine。　Yours　is
to　pray；　mine　is　to　live。'

〃Again　I　was　conscious　of　the　bitterness。　I　tried　to　put　it　from　me。

〃'Prayer　is　life；'　I　answered；　'to　me；　to　us　who　are　here。'

〃'Prayer！　Can　it　be？　Can　it　be　vivid　as　the　life　of　experience；　as　the
life　that　teaches　one　the　truth　of　men　and　women；　the　truth　of
creationjoy；　sorrow；　aspiration；　lust；　ambition　of　the　intellect　and
the　limbs？　Prayer'

〃'It　is　time　for　me　to　go；'　I　said。　'Are　you　coming　to　the　chapel？'

〃'Yes；'　he　answered　almost　eagerly。　'I　shall　look　down　on　you　from　my
lonely　gallery。　Perhaps　I　shall　be　able　to　feel　the　life　of　prayer。'

〃'May　it　be　so；'　I　said。

〃But　I　think　I　spoke　without　confidence；　and　I　know　that　that　evening
I　prayed　without　impulse；　coldly；　mechanically。　The　long；　dim　chapel；
with　its　lines　of　monks　facing　each　other　in　their　stalls；　seemed　to
me　a　sad　place；　like　a　valley　of　dry　bonesfor　the　first　time；　for
the　first　time。

〃I　ought　to　have　gone　on　the　morrow　to　the　Reverend　Pere。　I　ought　to
have　asked　him；　begged　him　to　remove　me　from　the　/hotellerie/。　I　ought
to　have　foreseen　what　was　comingthat　this　man　had　a　strength　to　live
greater　than　my　strength　to　pray；　that　his　strength　might　overcome
mine。　I　began　to　sin　that　night。　Curiosity　was　alive　in　me；　curiosity
about　the　life　that　I　had　never　known；　wasso　I　believed；　so　I
thought　I　knewnever　to　know。

〃When　I　came　out　of　the　chapel　into　the　/hotellerie/　I　met　our　guest
I　do　not　say　his　name。　What　would　be　the　use？in　the　corridor。　It　was
almost　dark。　There　were　ten　minutes　before　the　time　for　locking　up　the
door　and　going　to　bed。　Francois；　the　servant；　was　asleep　under　the
arcade。

〃'Shall　we　go　on　to　the　path　and　have　a　last　breath　of　air？'　the
stranger　said。

〃We　stepped　out　and　walked　slowly　up　and　down。

〃'Do　you　not　feel　the　beauty　of　peace？'　I　asked。

〃I　wanted　him　to　say　yes。　I　wanted　him　to　tell　me　that　peace；
tranquillity；　were　beautiful。　He　did　not　reply　for　a　moment。　I　heard
him　sigh　heavily。

〃'If　there　is　peace　in　the　world　at　all；'　he　said　at　length；　'it　is
only　to　be　found　with　the　human　being　one　loves。　With　the　human　being
one　loves　one　might　find　peace　in　hell。'

〃We　did　not　speak　again　before　we　parted　for　the　night。

〃Domini；　I　did　not　sleep　at　all　that　night。　It　was　the　first　of　many
sleepless　nights；　nights　in　which　my　thoughts　travelled　like　winged
Furieshorrible；　horrible　nights。　In　them　I　strove　to　imagine　all　the
stranger　knew　by　experience。　It　was　like　a　ghastly；　physical　effort。　I
strove　to　conceive　of　all　that　he　had　donewith　the　view；　I　told
myself　at　first；　of　bringing　myself　to　a　greater　contentment；　of
realising　how　worthless　was　all　that　I　had　rejected　and　that　he　had
grasped　at。　In　the　dark　I；　as　it　were；　spread　out　his　map　of　life　and
mine　and　examined　them。　When；　still　in　the　dark；　I　rose　to　go　to　the
chapel　I　was　exhausted。　I　felt　unutterably　melancholy。　That　was　at
first。　Presently　I　felt　an　active；　gnawing　hunger。　ButbutI　have
not　come　to　that　yet。　This　strange；　new　melancholy　was　the　forerunner。
It　was　a　melancholy　that　seemed　to　be　caused　by　a　sense　of　frightful
loneliness　such　as　I　had　never　previously　experienced。　Till　now　I　had
almost　always　felt　God　with　me；　and　that　He　was　enough。　Now；　suddenly；
I　began　to　feel　that　I　was　alone。　I　kept　thinking　of　the　stranger's
words：　'If　there　is　peace　in　the　world　at　all　it　is　only　to　be　found
with　the　human　being　one　loves。'

〃'That　is　false；'　I　said　to　myself　again　and　again。　'Peace　is　only　to
be　found　by　close　union　with　God。　In　that　I　have　found　peace　for　many；
many　years。'

〃I　knew　that　I　had　been　at　peace。　I　knew　that　I　had　been　happy。　And
yet；　when　I　looked　back　upon　my　life　as　a　novice　and　a　monk；　I　now
felt　as　if　I　had　been　happy　vaguely；　foolishly；　bloodlessly；　happy
only　because　I　had　been　ignorant　of　what　real　happiness　wasnot
really　happy。　I　thought　of　a　bird　born　in　a　cage　and　singing　there。　I
had　been　as　that　bird。　And　then；　when　I　was　in　the　garden；　I　looked　at
the　swallows　winging　their　way　high　in　the　sunshine；　between　the
garden　trees　and　the　radiant　blue；　winging　their　way　towards　sea　and
mountains　and　plains；　and　that　bitterness；　like　an　acid　that　burns　and
eats　away　fine　metal；　was　once　more　at　my　heart。

〃But　the　sensation　of　loneliness　was　the　most　terrible　of　all。　I
compared　union　with　God；　such　as　I　thought　I　had　known；　with　that
other　union　spoken　of　by　my　guestunion　with　the　human　being　one
loves。　I　set　the　two　unions　as　it　were　in　comparison。　Night　after
night　I　did　this。　Night　after　night　I　told　over　the　joys　of　union　with
Godjoys　which　I　dared　to　think　I　had　knownand　the　joys　of　union
with　a　loved　human　being。　On　the　one　side　I　thought　of　the　drawing
near　to　God　in　prayer；　of　the　sensation　of　approach　that　comes　with
earnest　prayer；　of　the　feeling　that　ears　are　listening　to　you；　that
the　great　heart　is　loving　you；　the　great　heart　that　loves　all　living
things；　that　you　are　being　absolutely　understood；　that　all　you　cannot
say　is　comprehended；　and　all　you　say　is　received　as　something
precious。　I　recalled　the　joy；　the　exaltation；　that　I　had　known　when　I
prayed。　That　was　union　with　God。　In　such　union　I　had　sometimes　felt
that　the　world；　with　all　that　it　contained　of　wickedness；　suffering
and　death；　was　utterly　devoid　of　power　to　sadden　or　alarm　the　humblest
human　being　who　was　able　to　draw　near　to　God。

〃I　had　had　a　conquering　feelingnot　proudas　of　one　upborne；
protected　for　ever；　lifted　to　a　region　in　which　no　enemy　could　ever
be；　no　sadness；　no　faint　anxiety　even。

〃Then　I　strove　to　imagineand　this；　Domini；　was　surely　a　deliberate
sinexactly　what　it　must　be　to　be　united　with　a　beloved　human　being。
I　strove　and　I　was　able。　For　not　only　did　instinct　help　me；　instinct
that　had　been　long　asleep；　butI　have　told　you　that　the　stranger　was
suffering　under　an　obsession；　a　terrible　dominion。　This　dominion　he
described　to　me　with　an　openness　that　perhapsthat　indeed　I　believe
he　would　not　have　shown　had　I　not　been　a　monk。　He　looked　upon　me　as　a
being　apart；　neither　man　nor　woman；　a　being　without　sex。　I　am　sure　he
did。　And　yet　he　was　immensely　intelligent。　But　he　knew　that　I　had
entered　the　monastery　as　a　novice；　that　I　had　been　there　thr