the garden of allah-第114章

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cheeks　burned　as　I　prayed；　and　that　I　was　hot　all　over　as　if　I　had
been　running　in　the　sun。　From　that　day　my　mother　and　I　seemed　to　be
much　nearer　together　than　we　had　ever　been　before。　I　had　a　twin
brother　to　whom　I　was　devoted；　and　who　was　devoted　to　me。　But　he　took
after　my　father。　Religious　things；　ceremonies；　church　music；
processionseven　the　outside　attractions　of　the　Catholic　Church；
which　please　and　stimulate　emotional　people　who　have　little　faith
never　meant　much　to　him。　All　his　attention　was　firmly　fixed　upon　the
life　of　the　present。　He　was　good　to　my　mother　and　loved　her　devotedly；
as　he　loved　me；　but　he　never　pretended　to　be　what　he　was　not。　And　he
was　never　a　Catholic。　He　was　never　anything。

〃My　father　had　originally　come　to　Africa　for　his　health；　which　needed
a　warm　climate。　He　had　some　money　and　bought　large　tracts　of　land
suitable　for　vineyards。　Indeed；　he　sunk　nearly　his　whole　fortune　in
land。　I　told　you；　Domini；　that　the　vines　were　devoured　by　the
phylloxera。　Most　of　the　money　was　lost。　When　my　father　died　we　were
left　very　poor。　We　lived　quietly　in　a　little　villageI　told　you　its
name；　I　told　you　that　part　of　my　life；　all　I　dared　tell；　Dominibut
nowwhy　did　I　enter　the　monastery？　I　was　very　young　when　I　became　a
novice；　just　seventeen。　You　are　thinking；　Domini；　I　know；　that　I　was
too　young　to　know　what　I　was　doing；　that　I　had　no　vocation；　that　I　was
unfitted　for　the　monastic　life。　It　seems　so。　The　whole　world　would
think　so。　And　yethow　am　I　to　tell　you？　Even　now　I　feel　that　then　I
had　the　vocation；　that　I　was　fitted　to　enter　the　monastery；　that　I
ought　to　have　made　a　faithful　and　devoted　monk。　My　mother　wished　the
life　for　me；　but　it　was　not　only　that。　I　wished　it　for　myself　then。
With　my　whole　heart　I　wished　it。　I　knew　nothing　of　the　world。　My　youth
had　been　one　of　absolute　purity。　And　I　did　not　feel　longings　after　the
unknown。　My　mother's　influence　upon　me　was　strong；　but　she　did　not
force　me　into　anything。　Perhaps　my　love　for　her　led　me　more　than　I
knew；　brought　me　to　the　monastery　door。　The　passion　of　her　life；　the
human　passion；　had　been　my　father。　After　he　was　dead　the　passion　of
her　life　was　prayer　for　him。　My　love　for　her　made　me　share　that
passion；　and　the　sharing　of　that　passion　eventually　led　me　to　become　a
monk。　I　became　as　a　child；　a　devotee　of　prayer。　Oh！　DominithinkI
loved　prayerI　loved　it〃

His　voice　broke。　When　he　stopped　speaking　Domini　was　again　conscious
of　the　music　in　the　city。　She　remembered　that　earlier　in　the　night　she
had　thought　of　it　as　the　music　of　a　great　festival。

〃I　resolved　to　enter　the　life　of　prayer；　the　most　perfect　life　of
prayer。　I　resolved　to　become　a　'religious。'　It　seemed　to　me　that　by　so
doing　I　should　be　proving　in　the　finest　way　my　love　for　my　mother。　I
should　be；　in　the　strongest　way；　helping　her。　Her　life　was　prayer　for
my　dead　father　and　love　for　her　children。　By　devoting　myself　to　the
life　of　prayer　I　should　show　to　her　that　I　was　as　she　was；　as　she　had
made　me；　true　son　of　her　womb。　Can　you　understand？　I　had　a　passion　for
my　mother；　DominiI　had　a　passion。　My　brother　tried　to　dissuade　me
from　the　monastic　life。　He　himself　was　going　into　business　in　Tunis。
He　wanted　me　to　join　him。　But　I　was　firm。　I　felt　driven　towards　the
cloister　then　as　other　men　often　feel　driven　towards　the　vicious　life。
The　inclination　was　irresistible。　I　yielded　to　it。　I　had　to　bid　good…
bye　to　my　mother。　I　told　youshe　was　the　passion　of　my　life。　And　yet
I　hardly　felt　sad　at　parting　from　her。　Perhaps　that　will　show　you　how
I　was　then。　It　seemed　to　me　that　we　should　be　even　closer　together
when　I　wore　the　monk's　habit。　I　was　in　haste　to　put　it　on。　I　went　to
the　monastery　of　El…Largani　and　entered　it　as　a　novice　of　the
Trappistine　order。　I　thought　in　the　great　silence　of　the　Trappists
there　would　be　more　room　for　prayer。　When　I　left　my　home　and　went　to
El…Largani　I　took　with　me　one　treasure　only。　Domini；　it　was　the　little
wooden　crucifix　you　pinned　upon　the　tent　at　Arba。　My　mother　gave　it　to
me；　and　I　was　allowed　to　keep　it。　Everything　else　in　the　way　of
earthly　possessions　I；　of　course；　had　to　give　up。

〃You　have　never　seen　El…Largani；　my　home　for　nineteen　years；　my　prison
for　one。　It　is　lonely；　but　not　in　the　least　desolate。　It　stands　on　a
high　upland；　and；　from　a　distance；　looks　upon　the　sea。　Far　off　there
are　mountains。　The　land　was　a　desert。　The　monks　have　turned　it；　if　not
into　an　Eden；　at　least　into　a　rich　garden。　There　are　vineyards；
cornfields；　orchards；　almost　every　fruit…tree　flourishes　there。　The
springs　of　sweet　waters　are　abundant。　At　a　short　way　from　the
monastery　is　a　large　village　for　the　Spanish　workmen　whom　the　monks
supervise　in　the　labours　of　the　fields。　For　the　Trappist　life　is　not
only　a　life　of　prayer；　but　a　life　of　diligent　labour。　When　I　became　a
novice　I　had　not　realised　that。　I　had　imagined　myself　continually　upon
my　knees。　I　found　instead　that　I　was　perpetually　in　the　fields；　in
sun；　and　wind；　and　rainthat　was　in　the　winter　timeworking　like　the
labourers；　and　that　often　when　we　went　into　the　long；　plain　chapel　to
pray　I　was　so　tiredbeing　only　a　boythat　my　eyes　closed　as　I　stood
in　my　stall；　and　I　could　scarcely　hear　the　words　of　Mass　or
Benediction。　But　I　had　expected　to　be　happy　at　El…Largani；　and　I　was
happy。　Labour　is　good　for　the　body　and　better　for　the　soul。　And　the
silence　was　not　hard　to　bear。　The　Trappists　have　a　book　of　gestures；
and　are　often　allowed　to　converse　by　signs。　We　novices　were　generally
in　little　bands；　and　often；　as　we　walked　in　the　garden　of　the
monastery；　we　talked　together　gaily　with　our　hands。　Then　the　silence
is　not　perpetual。　In　the　fields　we　often　had　to　give　directions　to　the
labourers。　In　the　school；　where　we　studied　Theology；　Latin；　Greek；
there　was　heard　the　voice　of　the　teacher。　It　is　true　that　I　have　seen
men　in　the　monastery　day　by　day　for　twenty　years　with　whom　I　have
never　exchanged　a　word；　but　I　have　had　permission　to　speak　with　monks。
The　head　of　the　monastery；　the　Reverend　Pere；　has　the　power　to　loose
the　bonds　of　silence　when　he　chooses；　and　to　allow　monks　to　walk　and
speak　with　each　other　beyond　the　white　walls　that　hem　in　the　garden　of
the　monastery。　Now　and　then　we　spoke；　but　I　think　most　of　us　were　not
unhappy　in　our　silence。　It　became　a　habit。　And　then　we　were　always
occupied。　We　had　no　time　allowed　us　for　sitting　and　being　sad。　Domini；
I　don't　want　to　tell　you　about　the　Trappists；　their　lifeonly　about
myself；　why　I　was　as　I　was；　how　I　came　to　change。　For　years　I　was　not
unhappy　at　El…Largani。　When　my　time　of　novitiate　was　over　I　took　the
eternal　vows　without　hesitation。　Many　novices　go　out　again　into　the
world。　It　never　occurred　to　me　to　do　so。　I　scarcely　ever　felt　a
stirring　of　worldly　desire。　I　scarcely　ever　had　one　of　those　agonising
struggles　which　many　people　probably　attribute　to　monks。　I　was
contented　nearly　always。　Now　and　then　the　flesh　spoke；　but　not
strongly。　Remember；　our　life　was　a　life　of　hard　and　exhausting　labour
in　the　fields。　The　labour　kept　the　flesh　in　subjection；　as　the　prayer
lifted　up　the　spirit。　And　then；　during　all　my　earlier　years　at　the
monastery；　we　had　an　Abbe　who　was　quick　to　understand　the　characters
and　dispositions　of　menDom　Andre　Herceline。　He　knew　me　far　better
than　I　knew　myself。　He　knew；　what　I　did　not　suspect；　that　I　was　full
of　sleeping　violence；　that　in　my　purity　and　devotionor　beneath　it
ratherthere　was　a　strong　strain　of　barbarism。　The　Russian　was
sleeping　in　the　monk；　but　sleeping　soundly。　That　can　be。　Half　a　man's
nature；　if　all　that　would　call　to　it　is　carefully　kept　from　it；　may
sleep；　I　believe；　through　all　his　life。　He　might　die　and　never　have
known；　or　been；　what　all　the　time　he　was。　For　years　it　was　so　with　me。
I　knew　only　part　of　myself；　a　real　vivid　partbut　only　a　part。　I
thought　it　was　the　whole。　And　while　I　thought　it　was　the　whole　I　was
happy。　If　Dom　Andre　Herceline　had　not　died；　today　I　should　be　a　monk
at　El…Largani；　ignorant　of　what　I　know；　contented。

〃He　never　allowed　me　to　come　into　any　sort　of　contact　with　the　many
strangers　who　visited　the　monastery。　Different　monks　have　different
duties。　Certain　duties　bring　monks　into　connection　with　t