the garden of allah-第113章
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see who it was； but she felt that it was her husband。 For a moment she
thought of going down to meet him； but she did not move。 The new
knowledge that had come to her made her； just then； feel shy even of
him； as if he must come to her； as if she could make no advance
towards him。
As the blackness upon the sand drew nearer she saw that it was a man
walking heavily。 The man had her husband's gait。 When she saw that she
turned。 She had resolved to meet him at the tent door； to tell him
what she had to tell him at the threshold of their wandering home。 Her
sense of shyness died when she was at the tent door。 She only felt now
her oneness with her husband； and that to…night their unity was to be
made more perfect。 If it could be made quite perfect！ If he would
speak too！ Then nothing more would be wanting。 At last every veil
would have dropped from between them； and as they had long been one
flesh they would be one in spirit。
She waited in the tent door。
After what seemed a long time she saw Androvsky coming across the
moonlit sand。 He was walking very slowly； as if wearied out； with his
head drooping。 He did not appear to see her till he was quite close to
the tent。 Then he stopped and gazed at her。 The moonshe thought it
must be the moonmade his face look strange； like a dying man's face。
In this white face the eyes glittered feverishly。
〃Boris！〃 she said。
〃Domini！〃
〃Come here； close to me。 I have something to tell yousomething
wonderful。〃
He came quite up to her。
〃Domini；〃 he said； as if he had not heard her。 〃Domini； II've been
to the priest to…night。 I meant to confess to him。〃
〃To confess！〃 she said。
〃This afternoon I asked him to hear my confession； but tonight I could
not make it。 I can only make it to you； Dominionly to you。 Do you
hear； Domini？ Do you hear？〃
Something in his face and in his voice terrified her heart。 Now she
felt as if she would stop him from speaking if she dared； but that she
did not dare。 His spirit was beyond domination。 He would do what he
meant to do regardless of herof anyone。
〃What is it； Boris？〃 she whispered。 〃Tell me。 Perhaps I can understand
best because I love best。〃
He put his arms round her and kissed her； as a man kisses the woman he
loves when he knows it may be for the last time； long and hard； with a
desperation of love that feels frustrated by the very lips it is
touching。 At last he took his lips from hers。
〃Domini；〃 he said； and his voice was steady and clear； almost hard；
〃you want to know what it is that makes me unhappy even in our love
desperately unhappy。 It is this。 I believe in God； I love God； and I
have insulted Him。 I have tried to forget God； to deny Him； to put
human love higher than love for Him。 But always I am haunted by the
thought of God； and that thought makes me despair。 Once； when I was
young； I gave myself to God solemnly。 I have broken the vows I made。 I
haveI have〃
The hardness went out of his voice。 He broke down for a moment and was
silent。
〃You gave yourself to God；〃 she said。 〃How？〃
He tried to meet her questioning eyes； but could not。
〃II gave myself to God as a monk；〃 he answered after a pause。
As he spoke Domini saw before her in the moonlight De Trevignac。 He
cast a glance of horror at the tent； bent over her； made the sign of
the Cross； and vanished。 In his place stood Father Roubier； his eyes
shining； his hand upraised； warning her against Androvsky。 Then he；
too； vanished； and she seemed to see Count Anteoni dressed as an Arab
and muttering words of the Koran。
〃Domini！〃
〃Domini； did you hear me？ Domini！ Domini！〃
She felt his hands on her wrists。
〃You are the Trappist！〃 she said quietly； 〃of whom the priest told me。
You are the monk from the Monastery of El…Largani who disappeared
after twenty years。〃
〃Yes；〃 he said； 〃I am he。〃
〃What made you tell me？ What made you tell me？〃
There was agony now in her voice。
〃You asked me to speak； but it was not that。 Do you remember last
night when I said that God must bless you？ You answered； 'He has
blessed me。 He has given me you； your love； your truth。' It is that
which makes me speak。 You have had my love； not my truth。 Now take my
truth。 I've kept it from you。 Now I'll give it you。 It's black； but
I'll give it you。 Domini！ Domini！ Hate me to…night； but in your hatred
believe that I never loved you as I love you now。〃
〃Give me your truth；〃 she said。
BOOK V。 THE REVELATION
CHAPTER XXVI
They remained standing at the tent door； with the growing moonlight
about them。 The camp was hushed in sleep； but sounds of music still
came to them from the city below them； and fainter music from the
tents of the Ouled Nails on the sandhill to the south。 After Domini
had spoken Androvsky moved a step towards her； looked at her； then
moved back and dropped his eyes。 If he had gone on looking at her he
knew he could not have begun to speak。
〃Domini；〃 he said； 〃I'm not going to try and excuse myself for what I
have done。 I'm not going to say to you what I daren't say to God
'Forgive me。' How can such a thing be forgiven？ That's part of the
torture I've been enduring； the knowledge of the unforgivable nature
of my act。 It can never be wiped out。 It's black on my judgment book
for ever。 But I wonder if you can understandoh； I want you to
understand； Domini； what has made the thing I am； a renegade； a
breaker of oaths； a liar to God and you。 It was the passion of life
that burst up in me after years of tranquillity。 It was the waking of
my nature after years of sleep。 And youyou do understand the passion
of life that's in some of us like a monster that must rule； must have
its way。 Even you in your purity and goodnessyou have it； that
desperate wish to live really and fully； as we have lived； Domini；
together。 For we have lived out in the desert。 We lived that night at
Arba when we sat and watched the fire and I held your hand against the
earth。 We lived then。 Even now； when I think of that night； I can
hardly be sorry for what I've done； for what I am。〃
He looked up at her now and saw that her eyes were fixed on him。 She
stood motionless； with her hands joined in front of her。 Her attitude
was calm and her face was untortured。 He could not read any thought of
hers； any feeling that was in her heart。
〃You must understand；〃 he said almost violently。 〃You must understand
or I。 My father； I told you； was a Russian。 He was brought up in the
Greek Church； but became a Freethinker when he was still a young man。
My mother was an Englishwoman and an ardent Catholic。 She and my
father were devoted to each other in spite of the difference in their
views。 Perhaps the chief effect my father's lack of belief had upon my
mother was to make her own belief more steadfast； more ardent。 I think
disbelief acts often as a fan to the faith of women； makes the flame
burn more brightly than it did before。 My mother tried to believe for
herself and for my father too； and I could almost think that she
succeeded。 He died long before she did； and he died without changing
his views。 On his death…bed he told my mother that he was sure there
was no other life； that he was going to the dust。 That made the agony
of his farewell。 The certainty on his part that he and my mother were
parting for ever。 I was a little boy at the time； but I remember that；
when he was dead； my mother said to me； 'Boris； pray for your father
every day。 He is still alive。' She said nothing more； but I ran
upstairs crying； fell upon my knees and prayedtrying to think where
my father was and what he could be looking like。 And in that prayer
for my father； which was also an act of obedience to my mother； I
think I took the first step towards the monastic life。 For I remember
that then； for the first time； I was conscious of a great sense of
responsibility。 My mother's command made me say to myself； 'Then
perhaps my prayer can do something in heaven。 Perhaps a prayer from me
can make God wish to do something He had not wished to do before。'
That was a tremendous thought！ It excited me terribly。 I remember my
cheeks burned as I prayed； and that I was hot all over as if I had
been running in t
