under western eyes-第13章

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insane　temptation　to　grip　that　exposed　throat　and　squeeze　the

breath　out　of　that　body；　lest　it　should　escape　his　custody；

leaving　only　a　phantom　behind。



Haldin　did　not　stir　a　limb；　but　his　overshadowed　eyes　moving　a

little　gazed　upwards　at　Razumov　with　wistful　gratitude　for　this

manifestation　of　feeling。



Razumov　turned　away　and　strode　up　and　down　the　room。　　〃It　would

have　been　possibly　a　kindness；〃　he　muttered　to　himself；　and　was

appalled　by　the　nature　of　that　apology　for　a　murderous　intention

his　mind　had　found　somewhere　within　him。　　And　all　the　same　he

could　not　give　it　up。　　He　　became　lucid　　about　　it。　〃What　can　he

expecti？〃　he　thought。　　〃The　halterin　the　end。　　And　I。　。　。〃



This　argument　was　interrupted　by　Haldin's　voice。



〃Why　be　anxious　for　me？　They　can　kill　my　body；　but　they　cannot

exile　my　soul　from　this　world。　　I　tell　you　whatI　believe　in

this　world　so　much　that　I　cannot　conceive　eternity　otherwise　than

as　a　very　long　life。　　That　is　perhaps　the　reason　I　am　so

ready　to　die。〃



〃H'm；〃muttered　Razumov；and　biting　hislower　lip　he　continued　to

walk　up　and　down　and　to　carry　on　his　strange　argument。



Yes；　to　a　man　in　such　a　situationof　course　it　would　be　an　act

of　kindness。　　The　question；　however；　was　not　how　to　be　kind；　but

how　to　be　firm。　　He　was　a　slippery　customer



〃I　too；　Victor　Victorovitch；　believe　in　this　world　of　ours；〃　he

said　with　force。　　〃I　too；　while　I　live。　。　。　。　　But　you　seem

determined　to　haunt　it。　　You　can't　seriously。　。　。mean〃



The　voice　of　the　motionless　Haldin　began



〃Haunt　it！　　Truly；　the　oppressors　of　thought　which　quickens　the

world；　the　destroyers　of　souls　which　aspire　to　perfection　of

human　dignity；　they　shall　be　haunted。　　As　to　the　destroyers　of　my

mere　body；　I　have　forgiven　them　beforehand。〃



Razumov　had　stopped　apparently　to　listen；　but　at　the　same　time　he

was　observing　his　own　sensations。　　He　was　vexed　with　himself　for

attaching　so　much　importance　to　what　Haldin　said。



〃The　fellow's　mad；〃　he　thought　firmly；　but　this　opinion　did　not

mollify　him　towards　Haldin。　　It　was　a　particularly　impudent　form

of　lunacyand　when　it　got　loose　in　the　sphere　of　public　life　of

a　country；　it　was　obviously　the　duty　of　every　good　citizen。　。　。



This　train　of　thought　broke　off　short　there　and　was　succeeded　by

a　paroxysm　of　silent　hatred　towards　Haldin；　so　intense　that

Razumov　hastened　to　speak　at　random。



〃Yes。　　Eternity；　　of　　course。　　I；　too；　can't　very　well　represent

it　to　myself。　。　。　。　　I　imagine　it；　however；　as　something　quiet　and　dull。

There　would　be　nothing　unexpecteddon't　you　see？　　The　element　of　time

would　be　wanting。〃



He　pulled　out　his　watch　and　gazed　at　it。　　Haldin　turned　over　on

his　side　and　looked　on　intently。



Razumov　got　frightened　at　this　movement。　　A　slippery　customer

this　fellow　with　a　phantom。　　It　was　not　midnight　yet。　　He

hastened　on



〃And　unfathomable　mysteries！　　Can　you　conceive　secret　places　in

Eternity？　　Impossible。　　Whereas　life　is　full　of　them。　　There　are

secrets　of　birth；　for　instance。　　One　carries　them　on　to　the

grave。　　There　is　something　comical。　。　。but　never　mind。　　And　there

are　secret　motives　of　conduct。　　A　man's　most　open　actions　have　a

secret　side　to　them。　　That　is　interesting　and　so　unfathomable！

For　instance；　a　man　goes　out　of　a　room　for　a　walk。　　Nothing　more

trivial　in　appearance。　　And　yet　it　may　be　momentous。　　He　comes

backhe　has　seen　perhaps　a　drunken　brute；　taken　particular

notice　of　the　snow　on　the　groundand　behold　he　is　no　longer　the

same　man。　　The　most　unlikely　things　have　a　secret　power　over

one's　thoughtsthe　grey　whiskers　of　a　particular　personthe

goggle　eyes　of　another。〃



Razumov's　forehead　was　moist。　　He　took　a　turn　or　two　in　the　room；

his　head　low　and　smiling　to　himself　viciously。



〃Have　you　ever　reflected　on　the　power　of　goggle　eyes　and　grey

whiskers？　　Excuse　me。　　You　seem　to　think　I　must　be　crazy　to　talk

in　this　vein　at　such　a　time。　　But　I　am　not　talking　lightly。　　I

have　seen　instances。　　It　has　happened　to　me　once　to　be　talking　to

a　man　whose　fate　was　affected　by　physical　facts　of　that　kind。

And　the　man　did　not　know　it。　　Of　course；　it　was　a　case　of

conscience；　but　the　material　facts　such　as　these　brought　about

the　solution。　。　。　。　　And　you　tell　me；　Victor　Victorovitch；

not　to　be　anxious！　　Why！　　I　am　responsible　for　you；〃

Razumov　almost　shrieked。



He　avoided　with　difficulty　a　burst　of　Mephistophelian　laughter。

Haldin；　very　pale；　raised　himself　on　his　elbow。



〃And　the　surprises　of　life；〃　went　on　Razumov；　after　glancing　at

the　other　uneasily。　　〃Just　consider　their　astonishing　nature。　　A

mysterious　impulse　induces　you　to　come　here。　　I　don't　say　you

have　done　wrong。　　Indeed；　from　a　certain　point　of　view　you　could

not　have　done　better。　　You　might　have　gone　to　a　man　with

affections　and　family　ties。　　You　have　such　ties　yourself。　　As　to

me；　you　know　I　have　been　brought　up　in　an　educational　institute

where　they　did　not　give　us　enough　to　eat。　　To　talk　of　affection

in　such　a　connexionyou　perceive　yourself。　。　。　。　　As　to　ties；

the　only　ties　I　have　in　the　world　are　social。　　I　must　get

acknowledged　in　some　way　before　I　can　act　at　all。　　I　sit　here

working。　。　。　。　　And　don't　you　think　I　am　working　for　progress　too？

I've　got　to　find　my　own　ideas　of　the　true　way。　。　。　。　　Pardon　me；〃

continued　Razumov；　after　drawing　breath　and　with　a　short；　throaty

laugh；　〃but　I　haven't　inherited　a　revolutionary　inspiration

together　with　a　resemblance　from　an　uncle。〃



He　looked　again　at　his　watch　and　noticed　with　sickening　disgust

that　there　were　yet　a　good　many　minutes　to　midnight。　　He　tore

watch　and　chain　off　his　waistcoat　and　laid　them　on　the　table　well

in　the　circle　of　bright　lamplight。　　Haldin；　reclining　on　his

elbow；　did　not　stir。　　Razumov　was　made　uneasy　by　this　attitude。

〃What　move　is　he　meditating　over　so　quietly？〃　　he　thought。　　〃He

must　be　prevented。　　I　must　keep　on　talking　to　him。〃



He　raised　his　voice。



〃You　are　a　son；　a　brother；　a　nephew；　a　cousinI　don't　know

whatto　no　end　of　people。　　I　am　just　a　man。　　Here　I　stand　before

you。　　A　man　with　a　mind。　Did　it　ever　occur　to　you　how　a　man　who

had　never　heard　a　word　of　warm　affection　or　praise　in　his

life　would　think　on　matters　on　which　you　would　think　first　with

or　against　your　class；　your　domestic　traditionyour　fireside

prejudices？。　。　。　　Did　you　ever　consider　how　a　man　like　that　would

feel？　　I　have　no　domestic　tradition。　　I　have　nothing　to　think

against。　　My　tradition　is　historical。　What　have　I　to　look　back　to

but　that　national　past　from　which　you　gentlemen　want　to　wrench

away　your　future？　　Am　I　to　let　my　intelligence；　my　aspirations

towards　a　better　lot；　be　robbed　of　the　only　thing　it　has　to　go

upon　at　the　will　of　violent　enthusiasts？　　You　come　from　your

province；　but　all　this　land　is　mineor　I　have　nothing。　　No　doubt

you　shall　be　looked　upon　as　a　martyr　some　day　a　sort　of　heroa

political　saint。　But　I　beg　to　be　excused。　　I

am　content　in　fitting　myself　to　be　a　worker。　　And　what　can　you

people　do　by　scattering　a　few　drops　of　blood　on　the　snow？　　On

this　Immensity。　　On　this　unhappy　Immensity！　　I　tell　you；〃　he

cried；　in　a　vibrating；　subdued　voice；　and　advancing　one　step

nearer　the　bed；　〃that　what　it　needs　is　not　a　lot　of　haunting

phantoms　that　I　could　walk　throughbut　a　man！〃



Haldin　threw　his　arms　forward　as　if　to　keep　him　off　in　horror。



〃I　understand　it　all　now；〃　he　exclaimed；　with　awestruck　dismay。

〃I　understandat　last。〃



Razumov　staggered　back　against　the　table。　　His　forehead　broke　out

in　perspiration　while　a　cold　shudder　ran　down　his　spine。



〃What　have　I　been　saying？〃　he　asked　himself。　〃Have　I　let　him　slip

through　my　fingers　after　all？



〃He　felt　his　lips　go　stiff　like　buckram；　and　instead　of　a

reassuring　smile　only　achieved　an　uncertain　grimace。



〃What　will　you　have？〃　he　began　in　a　conciliating　voice　which　got

steady　after　the　first　trembling　word　or　two。　　〃What　will　you　have？

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