i and my chimney-第5章

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house。　On　all　its　four　sides；　nearly　all　the　chambers　sidled　up

to　the　chimney　for　the　benefit　of　a　fireplace。　The　chimney　would

not　go　to　them；　they　must　needs　go　to　it。　The　consequence　was；

almost　every　room；　like　a　philosophical　system；　was　in　itself　an

entry；　or　passage…way　to　other　rooms；　and　systems　of　roomsa

whole　suite　of　entries；　in　fact。　Going　through　the　house；　you

seem　to　be　forever　going　somewhere；　and　getting　nowhere。　It　is

like　losing　one's　self　in　the　woods；　round　and　round　the　chimney

you　go；　and　if　you　arrive　at　all；　it　is　just　where　you　started；

and　so　you　begin　again；　and　again　get　nowhere。　Indeedthough　I

say　it　not　in　the　way　of　faultfinding　at　allnever　was　there　so

labyrinthine　an　abode。　Guests　will　tarry　with　me　several　weeks

and　every　now　and　then；　be　anew　astonished　at　some　unforseen

apartment。　

　

The　puzzling　nature　of　the　mansion；　resulting　from　the　chimney；

is　peculiarly　noticeable　in　the　dining…room；　which　has　no　less

than　nine　doors；　opening　in　all　directions；　and　into　all　sorts　of

places。　A　stranger　for　the　first　time　entering　this　dining…room；

and　naturally　taking　no　special　heed　at　which　door　he　entered；

will；　upon　rising　to　depart；　commit　the　strangest　blunders。　Such；

for　instance；　as　opening　the　first　door　that　comes　handy；　and

finding　himself　stealing　up…stairs　by　the　back　passage。　Shutting

that　he　will　proceed　to　another；　and　be　aghast　at　the　cellar

yawning　at　his　feet。　Trying　a　third；　he　surprises　the　housemaid

at　her　work。　In　the　end；　no　more　relying　on　his　own　unaided

efforts；　he　procures　a　trusty　guide　in　some　passing　person；　and

in　good　time　successfully　emerges。　Perhaps　as　curious　a　blunder

as　any；　was　that　of　a　certain　stylish　young　gentleman；　a　great

exquisite；　in　whose　judicious　eyes　my　daughter　Anna　had　found

especial　favor。　He　called　upon　the　young　lady　one　evening；　and

found　her　alone　in　the　dining…room　at　her　needlework。　He　stayed

rather　late；　and　after　abundance　of　superfine　discourse；　all　the

while　retaining　his　hat　and　cane；　made　his　profuse　adieus；　and

with　repeated　graceful　bows　proceeded　to　depart；　after　fashion　of

courtiers　from　the　Queen；　and　by　so　doing；　opening　a　door　at

random；　with　one　hand　placed　behind；　very　effectually　succeeded

in　backing　himself　into　a　dark　pantry；　where　be　carefully　shut

himself　up；　wondering　there　was　no　light　in　the　entry。　After

several　strange　noises　as　of　a　cat　among　the　crockery；　he

reappeared　through　the　same　door；　looking　uncommonly　crestfallen；

and；　with　a　deeply　embarrassed　air；　requested　my　daughter　to

designate　at　which　of　the　nine　he　should　find　exit。　When　the

mischievous　Anna　told　me　the　story；　she　said　it　was　surprising

how　unaffected　and　matter…of…fact　the　young　gentleman's　manner

was　after　his　reappearance。　He　was　more　candid　than　ever；　to　be

sure；　having　inadvertently　thrust　his　white　kids　into　an　open

drawer　of　Havana　sugar；　under　the　impression；　probably；　that

being　what　they　call　〃a　sweet　fellow；〃　his　route　might　possibly

lie　in　that　direction。　



Another　inconvenience　resulting　from　the　chimney　is；　the

bewilderment　of　a　guest　in　gaining　his　chamber；　many　strange

doors　lying　between　him　and　it。　To　direct　him　by　finger…posts

would　look　rather　queer；　and　just　as　queer　in　him　to　be　knocking

at　every　door　on　his　route；　like　London's　city　guest；　the　king；

at　Temple…Bar。　



Now；　of　all　these　things　and　many；　many　more；　my　family

continually　complained。　At　last　my　wife　came　out　with　her

sweeping　propositionin　toto　to　abolish　the　chimney。　



〃What！〃　said　I；　〃abolish　the　chimney？　To　take　out　the　backbone　of

anything；　wife；　is　a　hazardous　affair。　　　Spines　out　of　backs；　and

chimneys　out　of　houses；　are　not　to　be　taken　like　frosted　lead

pipes　from　the　ground。　Besides；〃　added　I；　〃the　chimney　is　the　one

grand　permanence　of　this　abode。　If　undisturbed　by　innovators；

then　in　future　ages；　when　all　the　house　shall　have　crumbled　from

it；　this　chimney　will　still　survivea　Bunker　Hill　monument。　No；

no；　wife；　I　can't　abolish　my　backbone。〃　



So　said　I　then。　But　who　is　sure　of　himself；　especially　an　old

man；　with　both　wife　and　daughters　ever　at　his　elbow　and　ear？　In

time；　I　was　persuaded　to　think　a　little　better　of　it；　in　short；

to　take　the　matter　into　preliminary　consideration。　At　length　it

came　to　pass　that　a　master…masona　rough　sort　of　architectone

Mr。　Scribe；　was　summoned　to　a　conference。　I　formally　introduced

him　to　my　chimney。　A　previous　introduction　from　my　wife　had

introduced　him　to　myself。　　　He　had　been　not　a　little　employed　by

that　lady；　in　preparing　plans　and　estimates　for　some　of　her

extensive　operations　in　drainage。　Having；　with　much　ado；　exhorted

from　my　spouse　the　promise　that　she　would　leave　us　to　an

unmolested　survey；　I　began　by　leading　Mr。　Scribe　down　to　the　root

of　the　matter；　in　the　cellar。　Lamp　in　hand；　I　descended；　for

though　up…stairs　it　was　noon；　below　it　was　night。　



We　seemed　in　the　pyramids；　and　I；　with　one　hand　holding　my　lamp

over　head；　and　with　the　other　pointing　out；　in　the　obscurity；　the

hoar　mass　of　the　chimney；　seemed　some　Arab　guide；　showing　the

cobwebbed　mausoleum　of　the　great　god　Apis。

　

〃This　is　a　most　remarkable　structure；　sir；〃　said　the

master…mason；　after　long　contemplating　it　in　silence；　〃a　most

remarkable　structure；　sir。〃　



〃Yes；〃　said　I　complacently；　〃every　one　says　so。〃　



〃But　large　as　it　appears　above　the　roof；　I　　would　not　have

inferred　the　magnitude　of　this　foundation；　sir；〃　eyeing　it

critically。　



Then　taking　out　his　rule；　he　measured　it。



　〃Twelve　feet　square；　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet！　　

Sir；　this　house　would　appear　to　have　been　built　simply　for　the

accommodation　of　your　chimney。〃　



〃Yes；　my　chimney　and　me。　Tell　me　candidly；　now；〃　I　added；　〃would

you　have　such　a　famous　chimney　abolished？〃　



〃I　wouldn't　have　it　in　a　house　of　mine；　sir；　for　a　gift；〃　was　the

reply。　〃It's　a　losing　affair　altogether；　sir。　Do　you　know；　sir；

that　in　retaining　this　chimney；　you　are　losing；　not　only　one

hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　of　good　ground；　but　likewise　a

considerable　interest　upon　a　considerable　principal？〃　



〃How？〃



Look；　sir！〃　said　he；　taking　a　bit　of　red　chalk　from　his　pocket；

and　figuring　against　a　whitewashed　wall；　〃twenty　times　eight　is

so　and　so；　then　forty…two　times　thirtynine　is　so　and　soain't

it；sir？　Well；　add　those　together；　and　subtract　this　here；　then

that　makes　so　and　so；　〃　still　chalking　away。　



To　be　brief；　after　no　small　ciphering；　　Mr。　Scribe　informed　me

that　my　chimney　contained；　I　am　ashamed　to　say　how　many　thousand

and　odd　valuable　bricks。　



〃No　more；〃　said　I　fidgeting。　〃Pray　now；　let　us　have　a　look

above。〃　



In　that　upper　zone　we　made　two　more　circumnavigations　for　the

first　and　second　floors。　That　done；　we　stood　together　at　the　foot

of　the　stairway　by　the　front　door；　my　hand　upon　the　knob；　and　Mr。

Scribe　hat　in　hand。　



〃Well；　sir；〃　said　he；　a　sort　of　feeling　his　way；　and；　to　help

himself；　fumbling　with　his　hat；　〃well；　sir；　I　think　it　can　be

done。〃　



〃What；　pray；　Mr。　Scribe；　WHAT　can　be　done？〃　



〃Your　chimney；　sir；　it　can　without　rashness　be　removed；　I　think。〃



〃I　will　think　of　it；　too；　Mr。　Scribe〃　said　I；　turning　the　knob

and　bowing　him　towards　the　open　space　without；　〃I　will　THINK　of

it；　sir；　it　demands　consideration；　much　obliged　to　ye；　good

morning；　Mr。　Scribe。〃　



〃It　is　all　arranged；　then；〃　cried　my　wife　with　great　glee；

bursting　from　the　nighest　room。　



〃When　will　they　begin？〃　demanded　my　daughter　Julia。　

　

〃To…morrow？〃　asked　Anna。　



〃Patience；　patience；　my　dears；〃　said　I；　〃such　a　big　chimney　is

not　to　be　abolished　in　a　minute。〃　



Next　morning　it　began　again。　



〃You　remember　the　chimney；〃　said　my　wife。　〃Wife；〃　said　I；　〃it　is

never　out　of　my　house　and　never　out　of　my　mind。〃　



〃But　when　is　Mr。　Scribe　to　begin　to　pull　it　down？〃　asked　Anna。



　〃Not　to…day；　Anna；〃　said　I。　



〃WHEN；　then？〃　dema