i and my chimney-第3章

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and　my　chimney〃



〃Personal？〃　



〃Sir；　I　look　upon　this　chimney　less　as　a　pile　of　masonry　than　as

a　personage。　It　is　the　king　of　the　house。　I　am　but　a　suffered　and

inferior　subject。〃　



In　fact；　I　would　permit　no　gibes　to　be　cast　at　either　myself　or

my　chimney；　and　never　again　did　my　visitor　refer　to　it　in　my

hearing；　without　coupling　some　compliment　with　the　mention。　　It

well　deserves　a　respectful　consideration。　There　it　stands；

solitary　and　alonenot　a　councilof　ten　flues；　but；　like　his

sacred　majesty　of　Russia；　a　unit　of　an　autocrat。　



Even　to　me；　its　dimensions；　at　times；　seem　incredible。　　It　does

not　look　so　bigno；　not　even　in　the　cellar。　By　the　mere　eye；　its

magnitude　can　be　but　imperfectly　comprehended；　because　only　one

side　can　be　received　at　one　time；　and　said　side　can　only　present

twelve　feet；　linear　measure。　　But　then；　each　other　side　also　is

twelve　feet　long；　and　the　whole　obviously　forms　a　square　and

twelve　times　twelve　is　one　hundred　and　forty…four。　And　so；　an

adequate　conception　of　the　magnitude　of　this　chimney　is　only　to

be　got　at　by　a　sort　of　process　in　the　higher　mathematics　by　a

method　somewhat　akin　to　those　whereby　the　surprising　distances　of

fixed　stars　are　computed。　



It　need　hardly　be　said；　that　the　walls　of　my　house　are　entirely

free　from　fireplaces。　These　all　congregate　in　the　middlein　the

one　grand　central　chimney；　upon　all　four　sides　of　which　are

hearthstwo　tiers　of　hearthsso　that　when；　in　the　various

chambers；　my　family　and　guests　are　warming　themselves　of　a　cold

winter's　night；　just　before　retiring；　then；　though　at　the　time

they　may　not　be　thinking　so；　all　their　faces　mutually　look

towards　each　other；　yea；　all　their　feet　point　to　one　centre；　and；

when　they　go　to　sleep　in　their　beds；　they　all　sleep　round　one

warm　chimney；　like　so　many　Iroquois　Indians；　in　the　woods；　round

their　one　heap　of　embers。　　And　just　as　the　Indians'　fire　serves；

not　only　to　keep　them　comfortable；　but　also　to　keep　off　wolves；

and　other　savage　monsters；　so　my　chimney；　by　its　obvious　smoke　at

top；　keeps　off　prowling　burglars　from　the　townsfor　what　burglar

or　murderer　would　dare　break　into　an　abode　from　whose　chimney

issues　such　a　continual　smokebetokening　that　if　the　inmates　are

not　stirring；　at　least　fires　are；　and　in　case　of　an　alarm；

candles　may　readily　be　lighted；　to　say　nothing　of　muskets。　



But　stately　as　is　the　chimneyyea；　grand　high　altar　as　it　is；

right　worthy　for　the　celebration　of　high　mass　before　the　Pope　of

Rome；　and　all　his　cardinalsyet　what　is　there　perfect　in　this

world？　Caius　Julius　Caesar；　had　he　not　been　so　inordinately

great；　they　say　that　Brutus；　Cassius；　Antony；　and　the　rest；　had

been　greater。　My　chimney；　were　it　not　so　mighty　in　its　magnitude；

my　chambers　had　been　larger。　How　often　has　my　wife　ruefully　told

me；　that　my　chimney；　like　the　English　aristocracy；　casts　a

contracting　shade　all　round　it。　She　avers　that　endless　domestic

inconveniences　arisemore　particularly　from　the　chimney's

stubborn　central　locality。　The　grand　objection　with　her　is；　that

it　stands　midway　in　the　place　where　a　fine　entrance…hall　ought　to

be。　In　truth；　there　is　no　hall　whatever　to　the　housenothing　but

a　sort　of　square　landing…place；　as　you　enter　from　the　wide　front

door。　A　roomy　enough　landing…place；　I　admit；　but　not　attaining　to

the　dignity　of　a　hall。　Now；　as　the　front　door　is　precisely　in　the

middle　of　the　front　of　the　house；　inwards　it　faces　the　chimney。

In　fact；　the　opposite　wall　of　the　landing…place　is　formed　solely

by　the　chimney；　and　hence…owing　to　the　gradual　tapering　of　the

chimneyis　a　little　less　than　twelve　feet　in　width。　Climbing　the

chimney　in　this　part；　is　the　principal　staircasewhich；　by　three

abrupt　turns；　and　three　minor　landing…places；　mounts　to　the

second　floor；　where；　over　the　front　door；　runs　a　sort　of　narrow

gallery；　something　less　than　twelve　feet　long；　leading　to

chambers　on　either　hand。　This　gallery；　of　course；　is　railed；　and

so；　looking　down　upon　the　stairs；　and　all　those　landing…places

together；　with　the　main　one　at　bottom；　resembles　not　a　little　a

balcony　for　musicians；　in　some　jolly　old　abode；　in　times

Elizabethan。　Shall　I　tell　a　weakness？　I　cherish　the　cobwebs

there；　and　many　a　time　arrest　Biddy　in　the　act　of　brushing　them

with　her　broom；　and　have　many　a　quarrel　with　my　wife　and

daughters　about　it。　



Now　the　ceiling；　so　to　speak；　of　the　place　where　you　enter　the

house；　that　ceiling　is；　in　fact；　the　ceiling　of　the　second　floor；

not　the　first。　The　two　floors　are　made　one　here；　so　that

ascending　this　turning　stairs；　you　seem　going　up　into　a　kind　of

soaring　tower；　or　lighthouse。　At　the　second　landing；　midway　up

the　chimney；　is　a　mysterious　door；　entering　to　a　mysterious

closet；　and　here　I　keep　mysterious　cordials；　of　a　choice；

mysterious　flavor；　made　so　by　the　constant　nurturing　and　subtle

ripening　of　the　chimney's　gentle　heat；　distilled　through　that

warm　mass　of　masonry。　　Better　for　wines　is　it　than　voyages　to　the

Indias；　my　chimney　itself　a　tropic。　A　chair　by　my　chimney　in　a

November　day　is　as　good　for　an　invalid　as　a　long　season　spent　in

Cuba。　Often　I　think　how　grapes　might　ripen　against　my　chimney。　

How　my　wife's　geraniums　bud　there！　Bud　in　December。　Her　eggs；

toocan't　keep　them　near　the　chimney；　an　account　of　the

hatching。　Ah；　a　warm　heart　has　my　chimney。　



How　often　my　wife　was　at　me　about　that　projected　grand

entrance…hall　of　hers；　which　was　to　be　knocked　clean　through　the

chimney；　from　one　end　of　the　house　to　the　other；　and　astonish　all

guests　by　its　generous　amplitude。　〃But；　wife；〃　said　I；　〃the

chimneyconsider　the　chimney：　if　you　demolish　the　foundation；

what　is　to　support　the　superstructure？〃　〃Oh；　that　will　rest　on

the　second　floor。〃　The　truth　is；　women　know　next　to　nothing　about

the　realities　of　architecture。　　However；　my　wife　still　talked　of

running　her　entries　and　partitions。　She　spent　many　long　nights

elaborating　her　plans；　in　imagination　building　her　boasted　hall

through　the　chimney；　as　though　its　high　mightiness　were　a　mere

spear　of　sorrel…top。　At　last；　I　gently　reminded　her　that；　little

as　she　might　fancy　it；　the　chimney　was　a　facta　sober；

substantial　fact；　which；　in　all　her　plannings；　it　would　be　well

to　take　into　full　consideration。　But　this　was　not　of　much　avail。　



And　here；　respectfully　craving　her　permission；　I　must　say　a　few

words　about　this　enterprising　wife　of　mine。　Though　in　years

nearly　old　as　myself；　in　spirit　she　is　young　as　my　little　sorrel

mare；　Trigger；　that　threw　me　last　fall。　What　is　extraordinary；

though　she　comes　of　a　rheumatic　family；　she　is　straight　as　a

pine；　never　has　any　aches；　while　for　me　with　the　sciatica；　I　am

sometimes　as　crippled　up　as　any　old　apple…tree。　But　she　has　not

so　much　as　a　toothache。　As　for　her　hearinglet　me　enter　the

house　in　my　dusty　boots；　and　she　away　up　in　the　attic。　And　for

her　sightBiddy；　the　housemaid；　tells　other　people's　housemaids；

that　her　mistress　will　spy　a　spot　on　the　dresser　straight　through

the　pewter　platter；　put　up　on　purpose　to　hide　it。　Her　faculties

are　alert　as　her　limbs　and　her　senses。　No　danger　of　my　spouse

dying　of　torpor。　The　longest　night　in　the　year　I've　known　her　lie

awake；　planning　her　campaign　for　the　morrow。　She　is　a　natural

projector。　The　maxim；　〃Whatever　is；　is　right；〃　is　not　hers。　Her

maxim　is；　Whatever　is；　is　wrong；　and　what　is　more；　must　be

altered；　and　what　is　still　more；　must　be　altered　right　away。

Dreadful　maxim　for　the　wife　of　a　dozy　old　dreamer　like　me；　who

dote　on　seventh　days　as　days　of　rest；　and　out　of　a　sabbatical

horror　of　industry；　will；　on　a　week　day；　go　out　of　

my　road　a　quarter　of　a　mile；　to　avoid　the　sight　of　a　man　at　work。



That　matches　are　made　in　heaven；　may　be；　but　my　wife　would　have

been　just　the　wife　for　Peter　the　Great；　or　Peter　the　Piper。　How

she　would　have　set　in　order　that　huge　littered　empire　of　the　one；

and　with　indefatigable　painstaking　picked　the　peck　of　pickled

peppers　for　the　other。