the uncommercial traveller-第99章

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of　a　temporary　building　in　the　garden　and　a　dummy；　…　demonstrating

that　you　couldn't　let　a　choked　hunchback　down　an　Eastern　chimney

with　a　cord；　and　leave　him　upright　on　the　hearth　to　terrify　the

sultan's　purveyor。



The　golden　sounds　of　the　overture　to　the　first　metropolitan

pantomime；　I　remember；　were　alloyed　by　Mr。　Barlow。　　Click　click；

ting　ting；　bang　bang；　weedle　weedle　weedle；　bang！　　I　recall　the

chilling　air　that　ran　across　my　frame　and　cooled　my　hot　delight；　as

the　thought　occurred　to　me；　'This　would　never　do　for　Mr。　Barlow！'

After　the　curtain　drew　up；　dreadful　doubts　of　Mr。　Barlow's

considering　the　costumes　of　the　Nymphs　of　the　Nebula　as　being

sufficiently　opaque；　obtruded　themselves　on　my　enjoyment。　　In　the

clown　I　perceived　two　persons；　one　a　fascinating　unaccountable

creature　of　a　hectic　complexion；　joyous　in　spirits　though　feeble　in

intellect；　with　flashes　of　brilliancy；　the　other　a　pupil　for　Mr。

Barlow。　　I　thought　how　Mr。　Barlow　would　secretly　rise　early　in　the

morning；　and　butter　the　pavement　for　HIM；　and；　when　he　had　brought

him　down；　would　look　severely　out　of　his　study　window　and　ask　HIM

how　he　enjoyed　the　fun。



I　thought　how　Mr。　Barlow　would　heat　all　the　pokers　in　the　house；

and　singe　him　with　the　whole　collection；　to　bring　him　better

acquainted　with　the　properties　of　incandescent　iron；　on　which　he

（Barlow）　would　fully　expatiate。　　I　pictured　Mr。　Barlow's

instituting　a　comparison　between　the　clown's　conduct　at　his

studies；　…　drinking　up　the　ink；　licking　his　copy…book；　and　using

his　head　for　blotting…paper；　…　and　that　of　the　already　mentioned

young　prig　of　prigs；　Harry；　sitting　at　the　Barlovian　feet；

sneakingly　pretending　to　be　in　a　rapture　of　youthful　knowledge。　　I

thought　how　soon　Mr。　Barlow　would　smooth　the　clown's　hair　down；

instead　of　letting　it　stand　erect　in　three　tall　tufts；　and　how；

after　a　couple　of　years　or　so　with　Mr。　Barlow；　he　would　keep　his

legs　close　together　when　he　walked；　and　would　take　his　hands　out　of

his　big　loose　pockets；　and　wouldn't　have　a　jump　left　in　him。



That　I　am　particularly　ignorant　what　most　things　in　the　universe

are　made　of；　and　how　they　are　made；　is　another　of　my　charges

against　Mr。　Barlow。　　With　the　dread　upon　me　of　developing　into　a

Harry；　and　with　a　further　dread　upon　me　of　being　Barlowed　if　I　made

inquiries；　by　bringing　down　upon　myself　a　cold　shower…bath　of

explanations　and　experiments；　I　forbore　enlightenment　in　my　youth；

and　became；　as　they　say　in　melodramas；　'the　wreck　you　now　behold。'

That　I　consorted　with　idlers　and　dunces　is　another　of　the

melancholy　facts　for　which　I　hold　Mr。　Barlow　responsible。　　That

pragmatical　prig；　Harry；　became　so　detestable　in　my　sight；　that；　he

being　reported　studious　in　the　South；　I　would　have　fled　idle　to　the

extremest　North。　　Better　to　learn　misconduct　from　a　Master　Mash

than　science　and　statistics　from　a　Sandford！　　So　I　took　the　path；

which；　but　for　Mr。　Barlow；　I　might　never　have　trodden。　　Thought　I；

with　a　shudder；　'Mr。　Barlow　is　a　bore；　with　an　immense　constructive

power　of　making　bores。　　His　prize　specimen　is　a　bore。　　He　seeks　to

make　a　bore　of　me。　　That　knowledge　is　power　I　am　not　prepared　to

gainsay；　but；　with　Mr。　Barlow；　knowledge　is　power　to　bore。'

Therefore　I　took　refuge　in　the　caves　of　ignorance；　wherein　I　have

resided　ever　since；　and　which　are　still　my　private　address。



But　the　weightiest　charge　of　all　my　charges　against　Mr。　Barlow　is；

that　he　still　walks　the　earth　in　various　disguises；　seeking　to　make

a　Tommy　of　me；　even　in　my　maturity。　　Irrepressible；　instructive

monomaniac；　Mr。　Barlow　fills　my　life　with　pitfalls；　and　lies　hiding

at　the　bottom　to　burst　out　upon　me　when　I　least　expect　him。



A　few　of　these　dismal　experiences　of　mine　shall　suffice。



Knowing　Mr。　Barlow　to　have　invested　largely　in　the　moving　panorama

trade；　and　having　on　various　occasions　identified　him　in　the　dark

with　a　long　wand　in　his　hand；　holding　forth　in　his　old　way　（made

more　appalling　in　this　connection　by　his　sometimes　cracking　a　piece

of　Mr。　Carlyle's　own　Dead…Sea　fruit　in　mistake　for　a　joke）；　I

systematically　shun　pictorial　entertainment　on　rollers。　　Similarly；

I　should　demand　responsible　bail　and　guaranty　against　the

appearance　of　Mr。　Barlow；　before　committing　myself　to　attendance　at

any　assemblage　of　my　fellow…creatures　where　a　bottle　of　water　and　a

note…book　were　conspicuous　objects；　for　in　either　of　those

associations；　I　should　expressly　expect　him。　　But　such　is　the

designing　nature　of　the　man；　that　he　steals　in　where　no　reasoning

precaution　or　provision　could　expect　him。　　As　in　the　following

case：…



Adjoining　the　Caves　of　Ignorance　is　a　country　town。　　In　this

country　town　the　Mississippi　Momuses；　nine　in　number；　were

announced　to　appear　in　the　town…hall；　for　the　general　delectation；

this　last　Christmas　week。　　Knowing　Mr。　Barlow　to　be　unconnected

with　the　Mississippi；　though　holding　republican　opinions；　and

deeming　myself　secure；　I　took　a　stall。　　My　object　was　to　hear　and

see　the　Mississippi　Momuses　in　what　the　bills　described　as　their

'National　ballads；　plantation　break…downs；　nigger　part…songs；

choice　conundrums；　sparkling　repartees；　&c。'　　I　found　the　nine

dressed　alike；　in　the　black　coat　and　trousers；　white　waistcoat；

very　large　shirt…front；　very　large　shirt…collar；　and　very　large

white　tie　and　wristbands；　which　constitute　the　dress　of　the　mass　of

the　African　race；　and　which　has　been　observed　by　travellers　to

prevail　over　a　vast　number　of　degrees　of　latitude。　　All　the　nine

rolled　their　eyes　exceedingly；　and　had　very　red　lips。　　At　the

extremities　of　the　curve　they　formed；　seated　in　their　chairs；　were

the　performers　on　the　tambourine　and　bones。　　The　centre　Momus；　a

black　of　melancholy　aspect　（who　inspired　me　with　a　vague　uneasiness

for　which　I　could　not　then　account）；　performed　on　a　Mississippi

instrument　closely　resembling　what　was　once　called　in　this　island　a

hurdy…gurdy。　　The　Momuses　on　either　side　of　him　had　each　another

instrument　peculiar　to　the　Father　of　Waters；　which　may　be　likened

to　a　stringed　weather…glass　held　upside　down。　　There　were　likewise

a　little　flute　and　a　violin。　　All　went　well　for　awhile；　and　we　had

had　several　sparkling　repartees　exchanged　between　the　performers　on

the　tambourine　and　bones；　when　the　black　of　melancholy　aspect；

turning　to　the　latter；　and　addressing　him　in　a　deep　and　improving

voice　as　'Bones；　sir；'　delivered　certain　grave　remarks　to　him

concerning　the　juveniles　present；　and　the　season　of　the　year；

whereon　I　perceived　that　I　was　in　the　presence　of　Mr。　Barlow　…

corked！



Another　night　…　and　this　was　in　London　…　I　attended　the

representation　of　a　little　comedy。　　As　the　characters　were　lifelike

（and　consequently　not　improving）；　and　as　they　went　upon　their

several　ways　and　designs　without　personally　addressing　themselves

to　me；　I　felt　rather　confident　of　coming　through　it　without　being

regarded　as　Tommy；　the　more　so；　as　we　were　clearly　getting　close　to

the　end。　　But　I　deceived　myself。　　All　of　a　sudden；　Apropos　of

nothing；　everybody　concerned　came　to　a　check　and　halt；　advanced　to

the　foot…lights　in　a　general　rally　to　take　dead　aim　at　me；　and

brought　me　down　with　a　moral　homily；　in　which　I　detected　the　dread

hand　of　Barlow。



Nay；　so　intricate　and　subtle　are　the　toils　of　this　hunter；　that　on

the　very　next　night　after　that；　I　was　again　entrapped；　where　no

vestige　of　a　spring　could　have　been　apprehended　by　the　timidest。

It　was　a　burlesque　that　I　saw　performed；　an　uncompromising

burlesque；　where　everybody　concerned；　but　especially　the　ladies；

carried　on　at　a　very　considerable　rate　indeed。　　Most　prominent　and

active　among　the　corps　of　performers　was　what　I　took　to　be　（and　she

really　gave　me　very　fair　opportunities　of　coming　to　a　right

conclusion）　a　young　lady　of　a　pretty　figure。　　She　was　dressed　as　a

picturesque　young　gentleman；　whose　pantaloons　had　been　cut　off　in

their　infancy；　and　she　had　very　neat　knees　and　very　neat　satin

bo