the uncommercial traveller-第98章

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the　case；　that　perhaps　sixpence　meant　sixpence。



'I　tell　you　again；'　said　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　'here's

yesterday's　sherry　…　can't　you　see　it？　…　one　and　eightpence；　and

here　we　are　again；　two　shillings。　　What　do　you　make　of　one　and

eightpence　and　two　shillings？'



Totally　unable　to　make　anything　of　one　and　eightpence　and　two

shillings；　the　waiter　went　out　to　try　if　anybody　else　could；　merely

casting　a　helpless　backward　glance　at　Bullfinch；　in　acknowledgement

of　his　pathetic　entreaties　for　our　soup…tureen。　　After　a　pause；

during　which　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker　read　a　newspaper　and　coughed

defiant　coughs；　Bullfinch　arose　to　get　the　tureen；　when　the　waiter

reappeared　and　brought　it；　…　dropping　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker's

altered　bill　on　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker's　table　as　he　came　along。



'It's　quite　impossible　to　do　it；　gentlemen；'　murmured　the　waiter；

'and　the　kitchen　is　so　far　off。'



'Well；　you　don't　keep　the　house；　it's　not　your　fault；　we　suppose。

Bring　some　sherry。'



'Waiter！'　from　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　with　a　new　and　burning　sense

of　injury　upon　him。



The　waiter；　arrested　on　his　way　to　our　sherry；　stopped　short；　and

came　back　to　see　what　was　wrong　now。



'Will　you　look　here？　　This　is　worse　than　before。　　DO　you

understand？　　Here's　yesterday's　sherry；　one　and　eightpence；　and

here　we　are　again　two　shillings。　　And　what　the　devil　does　ninepence

mean？'



This　new　portent　utterly　confounded　the　waiter。　　He　wrung　his

napkin；　and　mutely　appealed　to　the　ceiling。



'Waiter；　fetch　that　sherry；'　says　Bullfinch；　in　open　wrath　and

revolt。



'I　want　to　know；'　persisted　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　'the　meaning　of

ninepence。　　I　want　to　know　the　meaning　of　sherry　one　and　eightpence

yesterday；　and　of　here　we　are　again　two　shillings。　　Send　somebody。'



The　distracted　waiter　got　out　of　the　room　on　pretext　of　sending

somebody；　and　by　that　means　got　our　wine。　　But　the　instant　he

appeared　with　our　decanter；　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker　descended　on　him

again。



'Waiter！'



'You　will　now　have　the　goodness　to　attend　to　our　dinner；　waiter；'

said　Bullfinch；　sternly。



'I　am　very　sorry；　but　it's　quite　impossible　to　do　it；　gentlemen；'

pleaded　the　waiter；　'and　the　kitchen　…　'



'Waiter！'　said　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker。



'　…　Is；'　resumed　the　waiter；　'so　far　off；　that　…　'



'Waiter！'　persisted　Mr。　Indignation　Cocker；　'send　somebody。'



We　were　not　without　our　fears　that　the　waiter　rushed　out　to　hang

himself；　and　we　were　much　relieved　by　his　fetching　somebody；　…　in

graceful；　flowing　skirts　and　with　a　waist；　…　who　very　soon　settled

Mr。　Indignation　Cocker's　business。



'Oh！'　said　Mr。　Cocker；　with　his　fire　surprisingly　quenched　by　this

apparition；　'I　wished　to　ask　about　this　bill　of　mine；　because　it

appears　to　me　that　there's　a　little　mistake　here。　　Let　me　show　you。

Here's　yesterday's　sherry　one　and　eightpence；　and　here　we　are　again

two　shillings。　　And　how　do　you　explain　ninepence？'



However　it　was　explained；　in　tones　too　soft　to　be　overheard。　　Mr。

Cocker　was　heard　to　say　nothing　more　than　'Ah…h…h！　　Indeed；　thank

you！　　Yes；'　and　shortly　afterwards　went　out；　a　milder　man。



The　lonely　traveller　with　the　stomach…ache　had　all　this　time

suffered　severely；　drawing　up　a　leg　now　and　then；　and　sipping　hot

brandy…and…water　with　grated　ginger　in　it。　　When　we　tasted　our

（very）　mock…turtle　soup；　and　were　instantly　seized　with　symptoms　of

some　disorder　simulating　apoplexy；　and　occasioned　by　the　surcharge

of　nose　and　brain　with　lukewarm　dish…water　holding　in　solution　sour

flour；　poisonous　condiments；　and　（say）　seventy…five　per　cent。　of

miscellaneous　kitchen　stuff　rolled　into　balls；　we　were　inclined　to

trace　his　disorder　to　that　source。　　On　the　other　hand；　there　was　a

silent　anguish　upon　him　too　strongly　resembling　the　results

established　within　ourselves　by　the　sherry；　to　be　discarded　from

alarmed　consideration。　　Again；　we　observed　him；　with　terror；　to　be

much　overcome　by　our　sole's　being　aired　in　a　temporary　retreat

close　to　him；　while　the　waiter　went　out　（as　we　conceived）　to　see

his　friends。　　And　when　the　curry　made　its　appearance　he　suddenly

retired　in　great　disorder。



In　fine；　for　the　uneatable　part　of　this　little　dinner　（as

contradistinguished　from　the　undrinkable）　we　paid　only　seven

shillings　and　sixpence　each。　　And　Bullfinch　and　I　agreed

unanimously；　that　no　such　ill…served；　ill…appointed；　ill…cooked；

nasty　little　dinner　could　be　got　for　the　money　anywhere　else　under

the　sun。　　With　that　comfort　to　our　backs；　we　turned　them　on　the

dear　old　Temeraire；　the　charging　Temeraire；　and　resolved　（in　the

Scotch　dialect）　to　gang　nae　mair　to　the　flabby　Temeraire。







CHAPTER　XXXIV　…　MR。　BARLOW







A　great　reader　of　good　fiction　at　an　unusually　early　age；　it　seems

to　me　as　though　I　had　been　born　under　the　superintendence　of　the

estimable　but　terrific　gentleman　whose　name　stands　at　the　head　of

my　present　reflections。　　The　instructive　monomaniac；　Mr。　Barlow；

will　be　remembered　as　the　tutor　of　Master　Harry　Sandford　and　Master

Tommy　Merton。　　He　knew　everything；　and　didactically　improved　all

sorts　of　occasions；　from　the　consumption　of　a　plate　of　cherries　to

the　contemplation　of　a　starlight　night。　　What　youth　came　to　without

Mr。　Barlow　was　displayed　in　the　history　of　Sandford　and　Merton；　by

the　example　of　a　certain　awful　Master　Mash。　　This　young　wretch　wore

buckles　and　powder；　conducted　himself　with　insupportable　levity　at

the　theatre；　had　no　idea　of　facing　a　mad　bull　single…handed　（in

which　I　think　him　less　reprehensible；　as　remotely　reflecting　my　own

character）；　and　was　a　frightful　instance　of　the　enervating　effects

of　luxury　upon　the　human　race。



Strange　destiny　on　the　part　of　Mr。　Barlow；　to　go　down　to　posterity

as　childhood's　experience　of　a　bore！　　Immortal　Mr。　Barlow；　boring

his　way　through　the　verdant　freshness　of　ages！



My　personal　indictment　against　Mr。　Barlow　is　one　of　many　counts。　　I

will　proceed　to　set　forth　a　few　of　the　injuries　he　has　done　me。



In　the　first　place；　he　never　made　or　took　a　joke。　　This

insensibility　on　Mr。　Barlow's　part　not　only　cast　its　own　gloom　over

my　boyhood；　but　blighted　even　the　sixpenny　jest…books　of　the　time；

for；　groaning　under　a　moral　spell　constraining　me　to　refer　all

things　to　Mr。　Barlow；　I　could　not　choose　but　ask　myself　in　a

whisper　when　tickled　by　a　printed　jest；　'What　would　HE　think　of　it？

What　would　HE　see　in　it？'　　The　point　of　the　jest　immediately　became

a　sting；　and　stung　my　conscience。　　For　my　mind's　eye　saw　him

stolid；　frigid；　perchance　taking　from　its　shelf　some　dreary　Greek

book；　and　translating　at　full　length　what　some　dismal　sage　said

（and　touched　up　afterwards；　perhaps；　for　publication）；　when　he

banished　some　unlucky　joker　from　Athens。



The　incompatibility　of　Mr。　Barlow　with　all　other　portions　of　my

young　life　but　himself；　the　adamantine　inadaptability　of　the　man　to

my　favourite　fancies　and　amusements；　is　the　thing　for　which　I　hate

him　most。　　What　right　had　he　to　bore　his　way　into　my　Arabian

Nights？　　Yet　he　did。　　He　was　always　hinting　doubts　of　the　veracity

of　Sindbad　the　Sailor。　　If　he　could　have　got　hold　of　the　Wonderful

Lamp；　I　knew　he　would　have　trimmed　it　and　lighted　it；　and　delivered

a　lecture　over　it　on　the　qualities　of　sperm…oil；　with　a　glance　at

the　whale　fisheries。　　He　would　so　soon　have　found　out　…　on

mechanical　principles　…　the　peg　in　the　neck　of　the　Enchanted　Horse；

and　would　have　turned　it　the　right　way　in　so　workmanlike　a　manner；

that　the　horse　could　never　have　got　any　height　into　the　air；　and

the　story　couldn't　have　been。　　He　would　have　proved；　by　map　and

compass；　that　there　was　no　such　kingdom　as　the　delightful　kingdom

of　Casgar；　on　the　frontiers　of　Tartary。　　He　would　have　caused　that

hypocritical　young　prig　Harry　to　make　an　experiment；　…　with　the　aid

of　a　temporary　building　in　the　garden　and　a　dummy；　…　demonstrating

that　you　couldn't　let　a　choked　hunchback　down　an　Eastern　chimney