the uncommercial traveller-第87章

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of　having　either　crossed　the　threshold；　or　looked　in　at　the　door；

of　every　one　of　the　nine　ladies；　and　I　have　noticed　that　they　are

all　particular　in　the　article　of　bedsteads；　and　maintain　favourite

and　long…established　bedsteads　and　bedding　as　a　regular　part　of

their　rest。　　Generally　an　antiquated　chest　of　drawers　is　among

their　cherished　possessions；　a　tea…tray　always　is。　　I　know　of　at

least　two　rooms　in　which　a　little　tea…kettle　of　genuine　burnished

copper；　vies　with　the　cat　in　winking　at　the　fire；　and　one　old　lady

has　a　tea…urn　set　forth　in　state　on　the　top　of　her　chest　of

drawers；　which　urn　is　used　as　her　library；　and　contains　four

duodecimo　volumes；　and　a　black…bordered　newspaper　giving　an　account

of　the　funeral　of　Her　Royal　Highness　the　Princess　Charlotte。　　Among

the　poor　old　gentlemen　there　are　no　such　niceties。　　Their　furniture

has　the　air　of　being　contributed；　like　some　obsolete　Literary

Miscellany；　'by　several　hands；'　their　few　chairs　never　match；　old

patchwork　coverlets　linger　among　them；　and　they　have　an　untidy

habit　of　keeping　their　wardrobes　in　hat…boxes。　　When　I　recall　one

old　gentleman　who　is　rather　choice　in　his　shoe…brushes　and

blacking…bottle；　I　have　summed　up　the　domestic　elegances　of　that

side　of　the　building。



On　the　occurrence　of　a　death　in　Titbull's；　it　is　invariably　agreed

among　the　survivors　…　and　it　is　the　only　subject　on　which　they　do

agree　…　that　the　departed　did　something　'to　bring　it　on。'　　Judging

by　Titbull's；　I　should　say　the　human　race　need　never　die；　if　they

took　care。　　But　they　don't　take　care；　and　they　do　die；　and　when

they　die　in　Titbull's　they　are　buried　at　the　cost　of　the

Foundation。　　Some　provision　has　been　made　for　the　purpose；　in

virtue　of　which　（I　record　this　on　the　strength　of　having　seen　the

funeral　of　Mrs。　Quinch）　a　lively　neighbouring　undertaker　dresses　up

four　of　the　old　men；　and　four　of　the　old　women；　hustles　them　into　a

procession　of　four　couples；　and　leads　off　with　a　large　black　bow　at

the　back　of　his　hat；　looking　over　his　shoulder　at　them　airily　from

time　to　time　to　see　that　no　member　of　the　party　has　got　lost；　or

has　tumbled　down；　as　if　they　were　a　company　of　dim　old　dolls。



Resignation　of　a　dwelling　is　of　very　rare　occurrence　in　Titbull's。

A　story　does　obtain　there；　how　an　old　lady's　son　once　drew　a　prize

of　Thirty　Thousand　Pounds　in　the　Lottery；　and　presently　drove　to

the　gate　in　his　own　carriage；　with　French　Horns　playing　up　behind；

and　whisked　his　mother　away；　and　left　ten　guineas　for　a　Feast。　　But

I　have　been　unable　to　substantiate　it　by　any　evidence；　and　regard

it　as　an　Alms…House　Fairy　Tale。　　It　is　curious　that　the　only　proved

case　of　resignation　happened　within　my　knowledge。



It　happened　on　this　wise。　　There　is　a　sharp　competition　among　the

ladies　respecting　the　gentility　of　their　visitors；　and　I　have　so

often　observed　visitors　to　be　dressed　as　for　a　holiday　occasion；

that　I　suppose　the　ladies　to　have　besought　them　to　make　all

possible　display　when　they　come。　　In　these　circumstances　much

excitement　was　one　day　occasioned　by　Mrs。　Mitts　receiving　a　visit

from　a　Greenwich　Pensioner。　　He　was　a　Pensioner　of　a　bluff　and

warlike　appearance；　with　an　empty　coat…sleeve；　and　he　was　got　up

with　unusual　care；　his　coat…buttons　were　extremely　bright；　he　wore

his　empty　coat…sleeve　in　a　graceful　festoon；　and　he　had　a　walking…

stick　in　his　hand　that　must　have　cost　money。　　When；　with　the　head

of　his　walking…stick；　he　knocked　at　Mrs。　Mitts's　door　…　there　are

no　knockers　in　Titbull's　…　Mrs。　Mitts　was　overheard　by　a　next…door

neighbour　to　utter　a　cry　of　surprise　expressing　much　agitation；　and

the　same　neighbour　did　afterwards　solemnly　affirm　that　when　he　was

admitted　into　Mrs。　Mitts's　room；　she　heard　a　smack。　　Heard　a　smack

which　was　not　a　blow。



There　was　an　air　about　this　Greenwich　Pensioner　when　he　took　his

departure；　which　imbued　all　Titbull's　with　the　conviction　that　he

was　coming　again。　　He　was　eagerly　looked　for；　and　Mrs。　Mitts　was

closely　watched。　　In　the　meantime；　if　anything　could　have　placed

the　unfortunate　six　old　gentlemen　at　a　greater　disadvantage　than

that　at　which　they　chronically　stood；　it　would　have　been　the

apparition　of　this　Greenwich　Pensioner。　　They　were　well　shrunken

already；　but　they　shrunk　to　nothing　in　comparison　with　the

Pensioner。　　Even　the　poor　old　gentlemen　themselves　seemed　conscious

of　their　inferiority；　and　to　know　submissively　that　they　could

never　hope　to　hold　their　own　against　the　Pensioner　with　his　warlike

and　maritime　experience　in　the　past；　and　his　tobacco　money　in　the

present：　　his　chequered　career　of　blue　water；　black　gunpowder；　and

red　bloodshed　for　England；　home；　and　beauty。



Before　three　weeks　were　out；　the　Pensioner　reappeared。　　Again　he

knocked　at　Mrs。　Mitts's　door　with　the　handle　of　his　stick；　and

again　was　he　admitted。　　But　not　again　did　he　depart　alone；　for　Mrs。

Mitts；　in　a　bonnet　identified　as　having　been　re…embellished；　went

out　walking　with　him；　and　stayed　out　till　the　ten　o'clock　beer；

Greenwich　time。



There　was　now　a　truce；　even　as　to　the　troubled　waters　of　Mrs。

Saggers's　pail；　nothing　was　spoken　of　among　the　ladies　but　the

conduct　of　Mrs。　Mitts　and　its　blighting　influence　on　the　reputation

of　Titbull's。　　It　was　agreed　that　Mr。　Battens　'ought　to　take　it

up；'　and　Mr。　Battens　was　communicated　with　on　the　subject。　　That

unsatisfactory　individual　replied　'that　he　didn't　see　his　way　yet；'

and　it　was　unanimously　voted　by　the　ladies　that　aggravation　was　in

his　nature。



How　it　came　to　pass；　with　some　appearance　of　inconsistency；　that

Mrs。　Mitts　was　cut　by　all　the　ladies　and　the　Pensioner　admired　by

all　the　ladies；　matters　not。　　Before　another　week　was　out；

Titbull's　was　startled　by　another　phenomenon。　　At　ten　o'clock　in

the　forenoon　appeared　a　cab；　containing　not　only　the　Greenwich

Pensioner　with　one　arm；　but；　to　boot；　a　Chelsea　Pensioner　with　one

leg。　　Both　dismounting　to　assist　Mrs。　Mitts　into　the　cab；　the

Greenwich　Pensioner　bore　her　company　inside；　and　the　Chelsea

Pensioner　mounted　the　box　by　the　driver：　　his　wooden　leg　sticking

out　after　the　manner　of　a　bowsprit；　as　if　in　jocular　homage　to　his

friend's　sea…going　career。　　Thus　the　equipage　drove　away。　　No　Mrs。

Mitts　returned　that　night。



What　Mr。　Battens　might　have　done　in　the　matter　of　taking　it　up；

goaded　by　the　infuriated　state　of　public　feeling　next　morning；　was

anticipated　by　another　phenomenon。　　A　Truck；　propelled　by　the

Greenwich　Pensioner　and　the　Chelsea　Pensioner；　each　placidly

smoking　a　pipe；　and　pushing　his　warrior　breast　against　the　handle。



The　display　on　the　part　of　the　Greenwich　Pensioner　of　his

'marriage…lines；'　and　his　announcement　that　himself　and　friend　had

looked　in　for　the　furniture　of　Mrs。　G。　Pensioner；　late　Mitts；　by　no

means　reconciled　the　ladies　to　the　conduct　of　their　sister；　on　the

contrary；　it　is　said　that　they　appeared　more　than　ever　exasperated。

Nevertheless；　my　stray　visits　to　Titbull's　since　the　date　of　this

occurrence；　have　confirmed　me　in　an　impression　that　it　was　a

wholesome　fillip。　　The　nine　ladies　are　smarter；　both　in　mind　and

dress；　than　they　used　to　be；　though　it　must　be　admitted　that　they

despise　the　six　gentlemen　to　the　last　extent。　　They　have　a　much

greater　interest　in　the　external　thoroughfare　too；　than　they　had

when　I　first　knew　Titbull's。　　And　whenever　I　chance　to　be　leaning

my　back　against　the　pump　or　the　iron　railings；　and　to　be　talking　to

one　of　the　junior　ladies；　and　to　see　that　a　flush　has　passed　over

her　face；　I　immediately　know　without　looking　round　that　a　Greenwich

Pensioner　has　gone　past。







CHAPTER　XXX　…　THE　RUFFIAN







I　entertain　so　strong　an　objection　to　the　euphonious　softening　of

Ruffian　into　Rough；　which　has　lately　become　popular；　that　I　restore

the　right　word　to　the　heading　of　this　paper；　the　rather；　as　my

object　is　to　dwell　upon　the　fact　that　the　Ruffian　is　tolerated

among　us　to　an　extent　that　goes　beyond　all　unruffianly