the uncommercial traveller-第84章

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disguised　in　a　hired　hatband　and　scarf　both　trailing　to　my　very

heels；　and　as　if　I　had　cost　the　orphan　children；　in　their　greatest

need；　ten　guineas。



Can　any　one　who　ever　beheld　the　stupendous　absurdities　attendant　on

'A　message　from　the　Lords'　in　the　House　of　Commons；　turn　upon　the

Medicine　Man　of　the　poor　Indians？　　Has　he　any　'Medicine'　in　that

dried　skin　pouch　of　his；　so　supremely　ludicrous　as　the　two　Masters

in　Chancery　holding　up　their　black　petticoats　and　butting　their

ridiculous　wigs　at　Mr。　Speaker？　　Yet　there　are　authorities

innumerable　to　tell　me　…　as　there　are　authorities　innumerable　among

the　Indians　to　tell　them　…　that　the　nonsense　is　indispensable；　and

that　its　abrogation　would　involve　most　awful　consequences。　　What

would　any　rational　creature　who　had　never　heard　of　judicial　and

forensic　'fittings；'　think　of　the　Court　of　Common　Pleas　on　the

first　day　of　Term？　　Or　with　what　an　awakened　sense　of　humour　would

LIVINGSTONE'S　account　of　a　similar　scene　be　perused；　if　the　fur　and

red　cloth　and　goats'　hair　and　horse　hair　and　powdered　chalk　and

black　patches　on　the　top　of　the　head；　were　all　at　Tala　Mungongo

instead　of　Westminster？　　That　model　missionary　and　good　brave　man

found　at　least　one　tribe　of　blacks　with　a　very　strong　sense　of　the

ridiculous；　insomuch　that　although　an　amiable　and　docile　people；

they　never　could　see　the　Missionaries　dispose　of　their　legs　in　the

attitude　of　kneeling；　or　hear　them　begin　a　hymn　in　chorus；　without

bursting　into　roars　of　irrepressible　laughter。　　It　is　much　to　be

hoped　that　no　member　of　this　facetious　tribe　may　ever　find　his　way

to　England　and　get　committed　for　contempt　of　Court。



In　the　Tonga　Island　already　mentioned；　there　are　a　set　of

personages　called　Mataboos　…　or　some　such　name　…　who　are　the

masters　of　all　the　public　ceremonies；　and　who　know　the　exact　place

in　which　every　chief　must　sit　down　when　a　solemn　public　meeting

takes　place：　　a　meeting　which　bears　a　family　resemblance　to　our　own

Public　Dinner；　in　respect　of　its　being　a　main　part　of　the

proceedings　that　every　gentleman　present　is　required　to　drink

something　nasty。　　These　Mataboos　are　a　privileged　order；　so

important　is　their　avocation；　and　they　make　the　most　of　their　high

functions。　　A　long　way　out　of　the　Tonga　Islands；　indeed；　rather

near　the　British　Islands；　was　there　no　calling　in　of　the　Mataboos

the　other　day　to　settle　an　earth…convulsing　question　of　precedence；

and　was　there　no　weighty　opinion　delivered　on　the　part　of　the

Mataboos　which；　being　interpreted　to　that　unlucky　tribe　of　blacks

with　the　sense　of　the　ridiculous；　would　infallibly　set　the　whole

population　screaming　with　laughter？



My　sense　of　justice　demands　the　admission；　however；　that　this　is

not　quite　a　one…sided　question。　　If　we　submit　ourselves　meekly　to

the　Medicine　Man　and　the　Conjurer；　and　are　not　exalted　by　it；　the

savages　may　retort　upon　us　that　we　act　more　unwisely　than　they　in

other　matters　wherein　we　fail　to　imitate　them。　　It　is　a　widely

diffused　custom　among　savage　tribes；　when　they　meet　to　discuss　any

affair　of　public　importance；　to　sit　up　all　night　making　a　horrible

noise；　dancing；　blowing　shells；　and　（in　cases　where　they　are

familiar　with　fire…arms）　flying　out　into　open　places　and　letting

off　guns。　　It　is　questionable　whether　our　legislative　assemblies

might　not　take　a　hint　from　this。　　A　shell　is　not　a　melodious　wind…

instrument；　and　it　is　monotonous；　but　it　is　as　musical　as；　and　not

more　monotonous　than；　my　Honourable　friend's　own　trumpet；　or　the

trumpet　that　he　blows　so　hard　for　the　Minister。　　The　uselessness　of

arguing　with　any　supporter　of　a　Government　or　of　an　Opposition；　is

well　known。　　Try　dancing。　　It　is　a　better　exercise；　and　has　the

unspeakable　recommendation　that　it　couldn't　be　reported。　　The

honourable　and　savage　member　who　has　a　loaded　gun；　and　has　grown

impatient　of　debate；　plunges　out　of　doors；　fires　in　the　air；　and

returns　calm　and　silent　to　the　Palaver。　　Let　the　honourable　and

civilised　member　similarly　charged　with　a　speech；　dart　into　the

cloisters　of　Westminster　Abbey　in　the　silence　of　night；　let　his

speech　off；　and　come　back　harmless。　　It　is　not　at　first　sight　a

very　rational　custom　to　paint　a　broad　blue　stripe　across　one's　nose

and　both　cheeks；　and　a　broad　red　stripe　from　the　forehead　to　the

chin；　to　attach　a　few　pounds　of　wood　to　one's　under　lip；　to　stick

fish…bones　in　one's　ears　and　a　brass　curtain…ring　in　one's　nose；

and　to　rub　one's　body　all　over　with　rancid　oil；　as　a　preliminary　to

entering　on　business。　　But　this　is　a　question　of　taste　and

ceremony；　and　so　is　the　Windsor　Uniform。　　The　manner　of　entering　on

the　business　itself　is　another　question。　　A　council　of　six　hundred

savage　gentlemen　entirely　independent　of　tailors；　sitting　on　their

hams　in　a　ring；　smoking；　and　occasionally　grunting；　seem　to　me；

according　to　the　experience　I　have　gathered　in　my　voyages　and

travels；　somehow　to　do　what　they　come　together　for；　whereas　that　is

not　at　all　the　general　experience　of　a　council　of　six　hundred

civilised　gentlemen　very　dependent　on　tailors　and　sitting　on

mechanical　contrivances。　　It　is　better　that　an　Assembly　should　do

its　utmost　to　envelop　itself　in　smoke；　than　that　it　should　direct

its　endeavours　to　enveloping　the　public　in　smoke；　and　I　would

rather　it　buried　half　a　hundred　hatchets　than　buried　one　subject

demanding　attention。







CHAPTER　XXIX　…　TITBULL'S　ALMS…HOUSES







By　the　side　of　most　railways　out　of　London；　one　may　see　Alms…Houses

and　Retreats　（generally　with　a　Wing　or　a　Centre　wanting；　and

ambitious　of　being　much　bigger　than　they　are）；　some　of　which　are

newly…founded　Institutions；　and　some　old　establishments

transplanted。　　There　is　a　tendency　in　these　pieces　of　architecture

to　shoot　upward　unexpectedly；　like　Jack's　bean…stalk；　and　to　be

ornate　in　spires　of　Chapels　and　lanterns　of　Halls；　which　might　lead

to　the　embellishment　of　the　air　with　many　castles　of　questionable

beauty　but　for　the　restraining　consideration　of　expense。　　However；

the　manners；　being　always　of　a　sanguine　temperament；　comfort

themselves　with　plans　and　elevations　of　Loomings　in　the　future；　and

are　influenced　in　the　present　by　philanthropy　towards　the　railway

passengers。　　For；　the　question　how　prosperous　and　promising　the

buildings　can　be　made　to　look　in　their　eyes；　usually　supersedes　the

lesser　question　how　they　can　be　turned　to　the　best　account　for　the

inmates。



Why　none　of　the　people　who　reside　in　these　places　ever　look　out　of

window；　or　take　an　airing　in　the　piece　of　ground　which　is　going　to

be　a　garden　by…and…by；　is　one　of　the　wonders　I　have　added　to　my

always…lengthening　list　of　the　wonders　of　the　world。　　I　have　got　it

into　my　mind　that　they　live　in　a　state　of　chronic　injury　and

resentment；　and　on　that　account　refuse　to　decorate　the　building

with　a　human　interest。　　As　I　have　known　legatees　deeply　injured　by

a　bequest　of　five　hundred　pounds　because　it　was　not　five　thousand；

and　as　I　was　once　acquainted　with　a　pensioner　on　the　Public　to　the

extent　of　two　hundred　a　year；　who　perpetually　anathematised　his

Country　because　he　was　not　in　the　receipt　of　four；　having　no　claim

whatever　to　sixpence：　　so　perhaps　it　usually　happens；　within

certain　limits；　that　to　get　a　little　help　is　to　get　a　notion　of

being　defrauded　of　more。　　'How　do　they　pass　their　lives　in　this

beautiful　and　peaceful　place！'　was　the　subject　of　my　speculation

with　a　visitor　who　once　accompanied　me　to　a　charming　rustic　retreat

for　old　men　and　women：　　a　quaint　ancient　foundation　in　a　pleasant

English　country；　behind　a　picturesque　church　and　among　rich　old

convent　gardens。　　There　were　but　some　dozen　or　so　of　houses；　and　we

agreed　that　we　would　talk　with　the　inhabitants；　as　they　sat　in

their　groined　rooms　between　the　light　of　their　fires　and　the　light

shining　in　at　their　latticed　windows；　and　would　find　out。　　They

passed　their　lives　in　considering　themselves　mulcted　of　certain

ounces　of　tea　by　a　deaf　old　ste