the uncommercial traveller-第16章

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at　the　evening　conversazione　at　school；　charged　two…and…sixpence　in

the　half…year's　bill；　or　breaking　down　again　at　that　celebrated

evening　party　given　at　Mrs。　Bogles's　boarding…house　when　I　was　a

boarder　there；　on　which　occasion　Mrs。　Bogles　was　taken　in　execution

by　a　branch　of　the　legal　profession　who　got　in　as　the　harp；　and　was

removed　（with　the　keys　and　subscribed　capital）　to　a　place　of

durance；　half　an　hour　prior　to　the　commencement　of　the　festivities。



Take　another　case。



Mr。　Grazinglands；　of　the　Midland　Counties；　came　to　London　by

railroad　one　morning　last　week；　accompanied　by　the　amiable　and

fascinating　Mrs。　Grazinglands。　　Mr。　G。　is　a　gentleman　of　a

comfortable　property；　and　had　a　little　business　to　transact　at　the

Bank　of　England；　which　required　the　concurrence　and　signature　of

Mrs。　G。　　Their　business　disposed　of；　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Grazinglands

viewed　the　Royal　Exchange；　and　the　exterior　of　St。　Paul's

Cathedral。　　The　spirits　of　Mrs。　Grazinglands　then　gradually

beginning　to　flag；　Mr。　Grazinglands　（who　is　the　tenderest　of

husbands）　remarked　with　sympathy；　'Arabella'；　my　dear；　'fear　you

are　faint。'　　Mrs。　Grazing…lands　replied；　'Alexander；　I　am　rather

faint；　but　don't　mind　me；　I　shall　be　better　presently。'　　Touched　by

the　feminine　meekness　of　this　answer；　Mr。　Grazinglands　looked　in　at

a　pastrycook's　window；　hesitating　as　to　the　expediency　of　lunching

at　that　establishment。　　He　beheld　nothing　to　eat；　but　butter　in

various　forms；　slightly　charged　with　jam；　and　languidly　frizzling

over　tepid　water。　　Two　ancient　turtle…shells；　on　which　was

inscribed　the　legend；　'SOUPS；'　decorated　a　glass　partition　within；

enclosing　a　stuffy　alcove；　from　which　a　ghastly　mockery　of　a

marriage…breakfast　spread　on　a　rickety　table；　warned　the　terrified

traveller。　　An　oblong　box　of　stale　and　broken　pastry　at　reduced

prices；　mounted　on　a　stool；　ornamented　the　doorway；　and　two　high

chairs　that　looked　as　if　they　were　performing　on　stilts；

embellished　the　counter。　　Over　the　whole；　a　young　lady　presided；

whose　gloomy　haughtiness　as　she　surveyed　the　street；　announced　a

deep…seated　grievance　against　society；　and　an　implacable

determination　to　be　avenged。　　From　a　beetle…haunted　kitchen　below

this　institution；　fumes　arose；　suggestive　of　a　class　of　soup　which

Mr。　Grazinglands　knew；　from　painful　experience；　enfeebles　the　mind；

distends　the　stomach；　forces　itself　into　the　complexion；　and　tries

to　ooze　out　at　the　eyes。　　As　he　decided　against　entering；　and

turned　away；　Mrs。　Grazinglands　becoming　perceptibly　weaker；

repeated；　'I　am　rather　faint；　Alexander；　but　don't　mind　me。'　　Urged

to　new　efforts　by　these　words　of　resignation；　Mr。　Grazinglands

looked　in　at　a　cold　and　floury　baker's　shop；　where　utilitarian　buns

unrelieved　by　a　currant；　consorted　with　hard　biscuits；　a　stone

filter　of　cold　water；　a　hard　pale　clock；　and　a　hard　little　old

woman　with　flaxen　hair；　of　an　undeveloped…farinaceous　aspect；　as　if

she　had　been　fed　upon　seeds。　　He　might　have　entered　even　here；　but

for　the　timely　remembrance　coming　upon　him　that　Jairing's　was　but

round　the　corner。



Now；　Jairing's　being　an　hotel　for　families　and　gentlemen；　in　high

repute　among　the　midland　counties；　Mr。　Grazinglands　plucked　up　a

great　spirit　when　he　told　Mrs。　Grazinglands　she　should　have　a　chop

there。　　That　lady；　likewise　felt　that　she　was　going　to　see　Life。

Arriving　on　that　gay　and　festive　scene；　they　found　the　second

waiter；　in　a　flabby　undress；　cleaning　the　windows　of　the　empty

coffee…room；　and　the　first　waiter；　denuded　of　his　white　tie；　making

up　his　cruets　behind　the　Post…Office　Directory。　　The　latter　（who

took　them　in　hand）　was　greatly　put　out　by　their　patronage；　and

showed　his　mind　to　be　troubled　by　a　sense　of　the　pressing　necessity

of　instantly　smuggling　Mrs。　Grazinglands　into　the　obscurest　corner

of　the　building。　　This　slighted　lady　（who　is　the　pride　of　her

division　of　the　county）　was　immediately　conveyed；　by　several　dark

passages；　and　up　and　down　several　steps；　into　a　penitential

apartment　at　the　back　of　the　house；　where　five　invalided　old　plate…

warmers　leaned　up　against　one　another　under　a　discarded　old

melancholy　sideboard；　and　where　the　wintry　leaves　of　all　the

dining…tables　in　the　house　lay　thick。　　Also；　a　sofa；　of

incomprehensible　form　regarded　from　any　sofane　point　of　view；

murmured　'Bed；'　while　an　air　of　mingled　fluffiness　and　heeltaps；

added；　'Second　Waiter's。'　　Secreted　in　this　dismal　hold；　objects　of

a　mysterious　distrust　and　suspicion；　Mr。　Grazinglands　and　his

charming　partner　waited　twenty　minutes　for　the　smoke　（for　it　never

came　to　a　fire）；　twenty…five　minutes　for　the　sherry；　half　an　hour

for　the　tablecloth；　forty　minutes　for　the　knives　and　forks；　three…

quarters　of　an　hour　for　the　chops；　and　an　hour　for　the　potatoes。

On　settling　the　little　bill　…　which　was　not　much　more　than　the

day's　pay　of　a　Lieutenant　in　the　navy　…　Mr。　　Grazinglands　took

heart　to　remonstrate　against　the　general　quality　and　cost　of　his

reception。　　To　whom　the　waiter　replied；　substantially；　that

Jairing's　made　it　a　merit　to　have　accepted　him　on　any　terms：

'for；'　added　the　waiter　（unmistakably　coughing　at　Mrs。

Grazinglands；　the　pride　of　her　division　of　the　county）；　'when

indiwiduals　is　not　staying　in　the　'Ouse；　their　favours　is　not　as　a

rule　looked　upon　as　making　it　worth　Mr。　Jairing's　while；　nor　is　it；

indeed；　a　style　of　business　Mr。　Jairing　wishes。'　　Finally；　Mr。　and

Mrs。　Grazinglands　passed　out　of　Jairing's　hotel　for　Families　and

Gentlemen；　in　a　state　of　the　greatest　depression；　scorned　by　the

bar；　and　did　not　recover　their　self…respect　for　several　days。



Or　take　another　case。　　Take　your　own　case。



You　are　going　off　by　railway；　from　any　Terminus。　　You　have　twenty

minutes　for　dinner；　before　you　go。　　You　want　your　dinner；　and　like

Dr。　Johnson；　Sir；　you　like　to　dine。　　You　present　to　your　mind；　a

picture　of　the　refreshment…table　at　that　terminus。　　The

conventional　shabby　evening…party　supper　…　accepted　as　the　model

for　all　termini　and　all　refreshment　stations；　because　it　is　the

last　repast　known　to　this　state　of　existence　of　which　any　human

creature　would　partake；　but　in　the　direst　extremity　…　sickens　your

contemplation；　and　your　words　are　these：　　'I　cannot　dine　on　stale

sponge…cakes　that　turn　to　sand　in　the　mouth。　　I　cannot　dine　on

shining　brown　patties；　composed　of　unknown　animals　within；　and

offering　to　my　view　the　device　of　an　indigestible　star…fish　in

leaden　pie…crust　without。　　I　cannot　dine　on　a　sandwich　that　has

long　been　pining　under　an　exhausted　receiver。　　I　cannot　dine　on

barley…sugar。　　I　cannot　dine　on　Toffee。'　　You　repair　to　the　nearest

hotel；　and　arrive；　agitated；　in　the　coffee…room。



It　is　a　most　astonishing　fact　that　the　waiter　is　very　cold　to　you。

Account　for　it　how　you　may；　smooth　it　over　how　you　will；　you　cannot

deny　that　he　is　cold　to　you。　　He　is　not　glad　to　see　you；　he　does

not　want　you；　he　would　much　rather　you　hadn't　come。　　He　opposes　to

your　flushed　condition；　an　immovable　composure。　　As　if　this　were

not　enough；　another　waiter；　born；　as　it　would　seem；　expressly　to

look　at　you　in　this　passage　of　your　life；　stands　at　a　little

distance；　with　his　napkin　under　his　arm　and　his　hands　folded；

looking　at　you　with　all　his　might。　　You　impress　on　your　waiter　that

you　have　ten　minutes　for　dinner；　and　he　proposes　that　you　shall

begin　with　a　bit　of　fish　which　will　be　ready　in　twenty。　　That

proposal　declined；　he　suggests　…　as　a　neat　originality　…　'a　weal　or

mutton　cutlet。'　　You　close　with　either　cutlet；　any　cutlet；

anything。　　He　goes；　leisurely；　behind　a　door　and　calls　down　some

unseen　shaft。　　A　ventriloquial　dialogue　ensues；　tending　finally　to

the　effect　that　weal　only；　is　available　on　the　spur　of　the　moment。

You　anxiously　call　out；　'Veal；　then！'　　Your　waiter　having　settled

that　point；　returns　to　array　your　tablecloth；　with　a　table　napkin

folded　cocked…hat…wise　（slowly；　for　something　out　of　window　engages

his　eye）；　a　white　wine…glass；　a　green