the patrician-第59章
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strolling up towards Hyde Park Corner； and gave them a very faint
bow。 The composure of those two precise and well…groomed figures
sickened her just then。 She wanted to run； to fly to this meeting
that should remove from him the odious feelings he must have； that
she； Barbara Caradoc； was a vulgar enchantress； a common traitress
and coquette！ And his letterwithout a syllable of reproach！ Her
cheeks burned so； that she could not help trying to hide them from
people who passed。
As she drew nearer to his rooms she walked slower； forcing herself to
think what she should do； what she should let him do！ But she
continued resolutely forward。 She would not shrink nowwhatever
came of it！ Her heart fluttered； seemed to stop beating； fluttered
again。 She set her teeth； a sort of desperate hilarity rose in her。
It was an adventure！ Then she was gripped by the feeling that had
come to her on the roof。 The whole thing was bizarre； ridiculous！
She stopped； and drew the letter from her glove。 It might be
ridiculous； but it was due from her； and closing her lips very tight；
she walked on。 In thought she was already standing close to him； her
eyes shut； waiting； with her heart beating wildly； to know what she
would feel when his lips had spoken； perhaps touched her face or
hand。 And she had a sort of mirage vision of herself； with eyelashes
resting on her cheeks； lips a little parted； arms helpless at her
sides。 Yet； incomprehensibly； his figure was invisible。 She
discovered then that she was standing before his door。
She rang the bell calmly； but instead of dropping her hand； pressed
the little bare patch of palm left open by the glove to her face； to
see whether it was indeed her own cheek flaming so。
The door had been opened by some unseen agency； disclosing a passage
and flight of stairs covered by a red carpet； at the foot of which
lay an old； tangled； brown…white dog full of fleas and sorrow。
Unreasoning terror seized on Barbara； her body remained rigid； but
her spirit began flying back across the Green Park； to the very hall
of Valleys House。 Then she saw coming towards her a youngish woman
in a blue apron； with mild； reddened eyes。
〃Is this where Mr。 Courtier lives？〃
〃Yes； miss。〃 The teeth of the young woman were few in number and
rather black； and Barbara could only stand there saying nothing； as
if her body had been deserted between the sunlight and this dim red
passage； which led to…what？
The woman spoke again：
〃I'm sorry if you was wanting him； miss； he's just gone away。〃
Barbara felt a movement in her heart； like the twang and quiver of an
elastic band； suddenly relaxed。 She bent to stroke the head of the
old dog； who was smelling her shoes。 The woman said：
〃And； of course； I can't give you his address； because he's gone to
foreign parts。〃
With a murmur； of whose sense she knew nothing； Barbara hurried out
into the sunshine。 Was she glad？ Was she sorry？ At the corner of
the street she turned and looked back； the two heads； of the woman
and the dog； were there still； poked out through the doorway。
A horrible inclination to laugh seized her； followed by as horrible a
desire to cry。
CHAPTER XXVI
By the river the West wind； whose murmuring had visited Courtier and
Miltoun the night before； was bringing up the first sky of autumn。
Slow…creeping and fleecy grey； the clouds seemed trying to overpower
a sun that shone but fitfully even thus early in the day。 While
Audrey Noel was dressing sunbeams danced desperately on the white
wall； like little lost souls with no to…morrow； or gnats that wheel
and wheel in brief joy； leaving no footmarks on the air。 Through the
chinks of a side window covered by a dark blind some smoky filaments
of light were tethered to the back of her mirror。 Compounded of
trembling grey spirals； so thick to the eye that her hand felt
astonishment when it failed to grasp them； and so jealous as ghosts
of the space they occupied； they brought a moment's distraction to a
heart not happy。 For how could she be happy； her lover away from her
now thirty hours； without having overcome with his last kisses the
feeling of disaster which had settled on her when he told her of his
resolve。 Her eyes had seen deeper than his； her instinct had
received a message from Fate。
To be the dragger…down； the destroyer of his usefulness； to be not
the helpmate； but the clog； not the inspiring sky； but the cloud！
And because of a scruple which she could not understand！ She had no
anger with that unintelligible scruple； but her fatalism； and her
sympathy had followed it out into his future。 Things being so； it
could not be long before he felt that her love was maiming him； even
if he went on desiring her； it would be only with his body。 And if；
for this scruple； he were capable of giving up his public life； he
would be capable of living on with her after his love was dead！ This
thought she could not bear。 It stung to the very marrow of her
nerves。 And yet surely Life could not be so cruel as to have given
her such happiness meaning to take it from her！ Surely her love was
not to be only one summer's day； his love but an embrace； and then
for ever nothing！
This morning； fortified by despair； she admitted her own beauty。 He
would； he must want her more than that other life； at the very
thought of which her face darkened。 That other life so hard； and far
from her！ So loveless； formal； and yetto him so real； so
desperately； accursedly real！ If he must indeed give up his career；
then surely the life they could live together would make up to him
a life among simple and sweet things； all over the world； with music
and pictures； and the flowers and all Nature； and friends who sought
them for themselves； and in being kind to everyone； and helping the
poor and the unfortunate； and loving each other！ But he did not want
that sort of life！ What was the good of pretending that he did？ It
was right and natural he should want； to use his powers！ To lead and
serve！ She would not have him otherwise： With these thoughts
hovering and darting within her； she went on twisting and coiling her
dark hair； and burying her heart beneath its lace defences。 She
noted too； with her usual care； two fading blossoms in the bowl of
flowers on her dressing…table； and； removing their； emptied out the
water and refilled the bowl。
Before she left her bedroom the sunbeams had already ceased to dance；
the grey filaments of light were gone。 Autumn sky had come into its
own。 Passing the mirror in the hall which was always rough with her；
she had not courage to glance at it。 Then suddenly a woman's belief
in the power of her charm came to her aid； she felt almost happy
surely he must love her better than his conscience！ But that
confidence was very tremulous； ready to yield to the first rebuff。
Even the friendly freshcheeked maid seemed that morning to be
regarding her with compassion； and all the innate sense； not of 'good
form；' but of form； which made her shrink from anything that should
disturb or hurt another； or make anyone think she was to be pitied；
rose up at once within her； she became more than ever careful to show
nothing even to herself。 So she passed the morning； mechanically
doing the little usual things。 An overpowering longing was with her
all the time； to get him away with her from England； and see whether
the thousand beauties she could show him would not fire him with love
of the things she loved。 As a girl she had spent nearly three years
abroad。 And Eustace had never been to Italy； nor to her beloved
mountain valleys！ Then； the remembrance of his rooms at the Temple
broke in on that vision； and shattered it。 No Titian's feast of
gentian； tawny brown； and alpen…rose could intoxicate the lover of
those books； those papers； that great map。 And the scent of leather
came to her now as poignantly as if she were once more flitting about
noiselessly on her business of nursing。 Then there rushed through
her again the warm wonderful sense that had been with her all those
precious daysof love that knew secretly of its approaching triumph
and fulfilment； the delici
