the dark flower-第6章
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VII
Then followed for young Lennan a strange time； when he never knew
from minute to minute whether he was happyalways trying to be
with her； restless if he could not be； sore if she talked with and
smiled at others； yet； when he was with her； restless too；
unsatisfied； suffering from his own timidity。
One wet morning； when she was playing the hotel piano； and he
listening； thinking to have her to himself； there came a young
German violinistpale； and with a brown； thin…waisted coat；
longish hair； and little whiskersrather a beast； in fact。 Soon；
of course； this young beast was asking her to accompany himas if
anyone wanted to hear him play his disgusting violin！ Every word
and smile that she gave him hurt so； seeing how much more
interesting than himself this foreigner was！ And his heart grew
heavier and heavier； and he thought： If she likes him I ought not
to mindonly； I DO mind！ How can I help minding？ It was hateful
to see her smiling； and the young beast bending down to her。 And
they were talking German； so that he could not tell what they were
saying； which made it more unbearable。 He had not known there
could be such torture。
And then he began to want to hurt her； too。 But that was mean
besides； how could he hurt her？ She did not care for him。 He was
nothing to heronly a boy。 If she really thought him only a boy；
who felt so oldit would be horrible。 It flashed across him that
she might be playing that young violinist against him！ No； she
never would do that！ But the young beast looked just the sort that
might take advantage of her smiles。 If only he WOULD do something
that was not respectful； how splendid it would be to ask him to
come for a walk in the woods； and； having told him why； give him a
thrashing。 Afterwards； he would not tell her； he would not try to
gain credit by it。 He would keep away till she wanted him back。
But suddenly the thought of what he would feel if she really meant
to take this young man as her friend in place of him became so
actual； so poignant； so horribly painful； that he got up abruptly
and went towards the door。 Would she not say a word to him before
he got out of the room； would she not try and keep him？ If she did
not； surely it would be all over； it would mean that anybody was
more to her than he。 That little journey to the door； indeed；
seemed like a march to execution。 Would she not call after him？
He looked back。 She was smiling。 But HE could not smile； she had
hurt him too much！ Turning his head away； he went out； and dashed
into the rain bareheaded。 The feeling of it on his face gave him a
sort of dismal satisfaction。 Soon he would be wet through。
Perhaps he would get ill。 Out here； far away from his people； she
would have to offer to nurse him； and perhapsperhaps in his
illness he would seem to her again more interesting than that young
beast； and then Ah！ if only he could be ill！
He mounted rapidly through the dripping leaves towards the foot of
the low mountain that rose behind the hotel。 A trail went up there
to the top； and he struck into it； going at a great pace。 His
sense of injury began dying away； he no longer wanted to be ill。
The rain had stopped； the sun came out； he went on； up and up。 He
would get to the top quicker than anyone ever had！ It was
something he could do better than that young beast。 The pine…trees
gave way to stunted larches； and these to pine scrub and bare
scree； up which he scrambled； clutching at the tough bushes；
terribly out of breath； his heart pumping； the sweat streaming into
his eyes。 He had no feeling now but wonder whether he would get to
the top before he dropped； exhausted。 He thought he would die of
the beating of his heart； but it was better to die than to stop and
be beaten by a few yards。 He stumbled up at last on to the little
plateau at the top。 For full ten minutes he lay there on his face
without moving； then rolled over。 His heart had given up that
terrific thumping； he breathed luxuriously； stretched out his arms
along the steaming grassfelt happy。 It was wonderful up here；
with the sun burning hot in a sky clear…blue already。 How tiny
everything looked belowhotel； trees； village； chaletslittle toy
things！ He had never before felt the sheer joy of being high up。
The rain…clouds； torn and driven in huge white shapes along the
mountains to the South； were like an army of giants with chariots
and white horses hurrying away。 He thought suddenly： 〃Suppose I
had died when my heart pumped so！ Would it have mattered the least
bit？ Everything would be going on just the same； the sun shining；
the blue up there the same； and those toy things down in the
valley。〃 That jealousy of his an hour ago； whyit was nothinghe
himself nothing！ What did it matter if she were nice to that
fellow in the brown coat？ What did anything matter when the whole
thing was so bigand he such a tiny scrap of it？
On the edge of the plateau； to mark the highest point； someone had
erected a rude cross； which jutted out stark against the blue sky。
It looked cruel somehow； sagged all crooked； and out of place up
here； a piece of bad manners； as if people with only one idea had
dragged it in； without caring whether or no it suited what was
around it。 One might just as well introduce one of these rocks
into that jolly dark church where he had left her the other day； as
put a cross up here。
A sound of bells； and of sniffing and scuffling； roused him； a
large grey goat had come up and was smelling at his hairthe
leader of a flock； that were soon all round him； solemnly curious；
with their queer yellow oblong…pupilled eyes； and their quaint
little beards and tails。 Awfully decent beastsand friendly！
What jolly things to model！ He lay still （having learnt from the
fisherman； his guardian； that necessary habit in the presence of
all beasts）； while the leader sampled the flavour of his neck。 The
passage of that long rough tongue athwart his skin gave him an
agreeable sensation； awakened a strange deep sense of comradeship。
He restrained his desire to stroke the creature's nose。 It
appeared that they now all wished to taste his neck； but some were
timid； and the touch of their tongues simply a tickle； so that he
was compelled to laugh； and at that peculiar sound they withdrew
and gazed at him。 There seemed to be no one with them； then； at a
little distance； quite motionless in the shade of a rock； he spied
the goatherd； a boy about his own age。 How lonely he must be up
here all day！ Perhaps he talked to his goats。 He looked as if he
might。 One would get to have queer thoughts up here； get to know
the rocks； and clouds； and beasts； and what they all meant。 The
goatherd uttered a peculiar whistle； and something； Lennan could
not tell exactly what； happened among the goatsa sort of 〃Here；
Sir！〃 seemed to come from them。 And then the goatherd moved out
from the shade and went over to the edge of the plateau； and two of
the goats that were feeding there thrust their noses into his hand；
and rubbed themselves against his legs。 The three looked beautiful
standing there together on the edge against the sky。 。 。 。
That night； after dinner； the dining…room was cleared for dancing；
so that the guests might feel freedom and gaiety in the air。 And；
indeed； presently； a couple began sawing up and down over the
polished boards； in the apologetic manner peculiar to hotel guests。
Then three pairs of Italians suddenly launched themselves into
spacetwirling and twirling； and glaring into each other's eyes；
and some Americans； stimulated by their precept； began airily
backing and filling。 Two of the 'English Grundys' with carefully
amused faces next moved out。 To Lennan it seemed that they all
danced very well； better than he could。 Did he dare ask HER？ Then
he saw the young violinist go up； saw her rise and take his arm and
vanish into the dancing…room； and leaning his forehead against a
window…pane； with a sick； beaten feeling； he stayed； looking out
into the moonlight； seeing nothing。 He heard his name spoken； his
tutor was standing beside him。
〃You and I； Lennan； must console each other。 Danc
