the dark flower-第53章

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〃You　must　be　brave；　Nell。　　I　have　had　to　tell　her。〃

She　clutched　at　his　arm；　then　drew　herself　up；　and　said　in　her
clear；　clipped　voice：

〃Oh！　　I　suppose　she　hates　me；　then！〃

〃She　is　terribly　unhappy。〃

They　walked　a　minute；　that　might　have　been　an　hour；　without　a　word；
not　round　the　Square；　as　he　had　walked　with　Oliver；　but　away　from
the　house。　　At　last　she　said　in　a　half…choked　voice：　〃I　only　want　a
little　bit　of　you。〃

And　he　answered　dully：　〃In　love；　there　are　no　little　bitsno
standing　still。〃

Then；　suddenly；　he　felt　her　hand　in　his；　the　fingers　lacing；
twining　restlessly　amongst　his　own；　and　again　the　half…choked　voice
said：

〃But　you　WILL　let　me　see　you　sometimes！　　You　must！〃

Hardest　of　all　to　stand　against　was　this　pathetic；　clinging；
frightened　child。　　And；　not　knowing　very　clearly　what　he　said；　he
murmured：

〃Yesyes；　it'll　be　all　right。　　Be　braveyou　must　be　brave；　Nell。
It'll　all　come　right。〃

But　she　only　answered：

〃No；　no！　　I'm　not　brave。　　I　shall　do　something。〃

Her　face　looked　just　as　when　she　had　ridden　at　that　gravel　pit。
Loving；　wild；　undisciplined；　without　resource　of　any　kindwhat
might　she　not　do？　　Why　could　he　not　stir　without　bringing　disaster
upon　one　or　other？　　And　between　these　two；　suffering　so　because　of
him；　he　felt　as　if　he　had　lost　his　own　existence。　　In　quest　of
happiness；　he　had　come　to　that！

Suddenly　she　said：

〃Oliver　asked　me　again　at　the　dance　on　Saturday。　　He　said　you　had
told　him　to　be　patient。　　Did　you？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Why？〃

〃I　was　sorry　for　him。〃

She　let　his　hand　go。

〃Perhaps　you　would　like　me　to　marry　him。〃

Very　clearly　he　saw　those　two　going　round　and　round　over　the
shining　floor。

〃It　would　be　better；　Nell。〃

She　made　a　little　soundof　anger　or　dismay。

〃You　don't　REALLY　want　me；　then？〃

That　was　his　chance。　　But　with　her　arm　touching　his；　her　face　so
pale　and　desperate；　and　those　maddening　eyes　turned　to　him；　he
could　not　tell　that　lie；　and　answered：

〃YesI　want　you；　God　knows！〃

At　that　a　sigh　of　content　escaped　her；　as　if　she　were　saying　to
herself：　'If　he　wants　me　he　will　not　let　me　go。'　　Strange　little
tribute　to　her　faith　in　love　and　her　own　youth！

They　had　come　somehow　to　Pall　Mall　by　now。　　And　scared　to　find
himself　so　deep　in　the　hunting…ground　of　the　Dromores；　Lennan
turned　hastily　towards　St。　James's　Park；　that　they　might　cross　it
in　the　dark；　round　to　Piccadilly。　　To　be　thus　slinking　out　of　the
world's　sight　with　the　daughter　of　his　old　room…mateof　all　men　in
the　world　the　last　perhaps　that　he　should　do　this　to！　　A　nice
treacherous　business！　　But　the　thing　men　called　honourwhat　was
it；　when　her　eyes　were　looking　at　him　and　her　shoulder　touching
his？

Since　he　had　spoken　those　words；　〃Yes；　I　want　you；〃　she　had　been
silentfearful　perhaps　to　let　other　words　destroy　their　comfort。
But　near　the　gate　by　Hyde　Park　Corner　she　put　her　hand　again　into
his；　and　again　her　voice；　so　clear；　said：

〃I　don't　want　to　hurt　anybody；　but　you　WILL　let　me　come　sometimes
you　will　let　me　see　youyou　won't　leave　me　all　alone；　thinking
that　I'll　never　see　you　again？〃

And　once　more；　without　knowing　what　he　answered；　Lennan　murmured：

〃No；　no！　　It'll　be　all　right；　dearit'll　all　come　right。　　It　must
and　shall。〃

Again　her　fingers　twined　amongst　his；　like　a　child's。　　She　seemed
to　have　a　wonderful　knowledge　of　the　exact　thing　to　say　and　do　to
keep　him　helpless。　　And　she　went　on：

〃I　didn't　try　to　love　youit　isn't　wrong　to　loveit　wouldn't　hurt
her。　　I　only　want　a　little　of　your　love。〃

A　littlealways　a　little！　　But　he　was　solely　bent　on　comforting
her　now。　　To　think　of　her　going　home；　and　sitting　lonely；
frightened；　and　unhappy；　all　the　evening；　was　dreadful。　　And
holding　her　fingers　tight；　he　kept　on　murmuring　words　of　would…be
comfort。

Then　he　saw　that　they　were　out　in　Piccadilly。　　How　far　dared　he　go
with　her　along　the　railings　before　he　said　good…bye？　　A　man　was
coming　towards　them；　just　where　he　had　met　Dromore　that　first　fatal
afternoon　nine　months　ago；　a　man　with　a　slight　lurch　in　his　walk
and　a　tall；　shining　hat　a　little　on　one　side。　　But　thank　Heaven！
it　was　not　Dromoreonly　one　somewhat　like　him；　who　in　passing
stared　sphinx…like　at　Nell。　　And　Lennan　said：

〃You　must　go　home　now；　child；　we　mustn't　be　seen　together。〃

For　a　moment　he　thought　she　was　going　to　break　down；　refuse　to
leave　him。　　Then　she　threw　up　her　head；　and　for　a　second　stood　like
that；　quite　motionless；　looking　in　his　face。　　Suddenly　stripping
off　her　glove；　she　thrust　her　warm；　clinging　hand　into　his。　　Her
lips　smiled　faintly；　tears　stood　in　her　eyes；　then　she　drew　her
hand　away　and　plunged　into　the　traffic。　　He　saw　her　turn　the　corner
of　her　street　and　disappear。　　And　with　the　warmth　of　that
passionate　little　hand　still　stinging　his　palm；　he　almost　ran
towards　Hyde　Park。

Taking　no　heed　of　direction；　he　launched　himself　into　its　dark
space；　deserted　in　this　cold；　homeless　wind；　that　had　little　sound
and　no　scent；　travelling　its　remorseless　road　under　the　grey…black
sky。

The　dark　firmament　and　keen　cold　air　suited　one　who　had　little　need
of　aids　to　emotionone　who　had；　indeed；　but　the　single　wish　to　get
rid；　if　he　only　could；　of　the　terrible　sensation　in　his　head；　that
bruised；　battered；　imprisoned　feeling　of　a　man　who　paces　his　cell
never；　never　to　get　out　at　either　end。　　Without　thought　or
intention　he　drove　his　legs　along；　not　running；　because　he　knew
that　he　would　have　to　stop　the　sooner。　　Alas！　what　more　comic
spectacle　for　the　eyes　of　a　good　citizen　than　this　married　man　of
middle　age；　striding　for　hours　over　those　dry；　dark；　empty
pastureshunted　by　passion　and　by　pity；　so　that　he　knew　not　even
whether　he　had　dined！　　But　no　good　citizen　was　abroad　of　an　autumn
night　in　a　bitter　easterly　wind。　　The　trees　were　the　sole　witnesses
of　this　grim　exercisethe　trees；　resigning　to　the　cold　blast　their
crinkled　leaves　that　fluttered　past　him；　just　a　little　lighter　than
the　darkness。　　Here　and　there　his　feet　rustled　in　the　drifts；
waiting　their　turn　to　serve　the　little　bonfires；　whose　scent　still
clung　in　the　air。　　A　desperate　walk；　in　this　heart　of　Londonround
and　round；　up　and　down；　hour　after　hour；　keeping　always　in　the
dark；　not　a　star　in　the　sky；　not　a　human　being　spoken　to　or　even
clearly　seen；　not　a　bird　or　beast；　just　the　gleam　of　the　lights　far
away；　and　the　hoarse　muttering　of　the　traffic！　　A　walk　as　lonely　as
the　voyage　of　the　human　soul　is　lonely　from　birth　to　death　with
nothing　to　guide　it　but　the　flickering　glow　from　its　own　frail
spirit　lighted　it　knows　not　where。　。　。　。

And；　so　tired　that　he　could　hardly　move　his　legs；　but　free　at　last
of　that　awful　feeling　in　his　headfree　for　the　first　time　for　days
and　daysLennan　came　out　of　the　Park　at　the　gate　where　he　had　gone
in；　and　walked　towards　his　home；　certain　that　tonight；　one　way　or
the　other；　it　would　be　decided。　。　。　。


XV


This　thenthis　long　trouble　of　body　and　of　spiritwas　what　he
remembered；　sitting　in　the　armchair　beyond　his　bedroom　fire；
watching　the　glow；　and　Sylvia　sleeping　there　exhausted；　while　the
dark　plane…tree　leaves　tap…tapped　at　the　window　in　the　autumn　wind；
watching；　with　the　uncanny　certainty　that；　he　would　not　pass　the
limits　of　this　night　without　having　made　at　last　a　decision　that
would　not　alter。　　For　even　conflict　wears　itself　out；　even
indecision　has　this　measure　set　to　its　miserable　powers　of　torture；
that　any　issue　in　the　end　is　better　than　the　hell　of　indecision
itself。　　Once　or　twice　in　those　last　days　even　death　had　seemed　to
him　quite　tolerable；　but　now　that　his　head　was　clear　and　he　had
come　to　grips；　death　passed　out　of　his　mind　like　the　shadow　that　it
was。　　Nothing　so　simple；　extravagant；　and　vain　could　serve　him。
Other　issues　had　reality；　deathnone。　　To　leave　Sylvia；　and　take
this　young　love　away；　there　was　reality　in　that；　but　it　had　always
faded　as　soon　as　it　shaped　itself；　and　now　once　more　it　faded。　　To
put　such　a　public　and　terrible　affront　on　a　tender　wife　whom　he
loved；　do　her　to　death；　as　it　were；　before　the　world's　eyesand
then；　ever　remorseful；　grow　old　while　the　girl　was　still　young？　　He
could　not。　　If　Sylvia　had　not　loved　him；　yes；　or；　e