the dark flower-第5章
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to hold a boy more than a few yearsmonths； perhaps。 But would
she ever hold him at all？ Youth was so hardit had no heart！ And
then the memory of his eyes came backgazing up； troubled； almost
wildwhen she had dropped on him those flowers。 That memory
filled her with a sort of delirium。 One look from her then； one
touch； and he would have clasped her to him。 She was sure of it；
yet scarcely dared to believe what meant so much。 And suddenly the
torment that she must go through； whatever happened； seemed to her
too brutal and undeserved！ She rose。 Just one gleam of sunlight
was still slanting through the doorway； it failed by a yard or so
to reach the kneeling countrywoman； and Anna watched。 Would it
steal on and touch her； or would the sun pass down behind the
mountains； and it fade away？ Unconscious of that issue； the black…
shawled figure knelt； never moving。 And the beam crept on。 〃If it
touches her； then he will love me； if only for an hour； if it fades
out too soon〃 And the beam crept on。 That shadowy path of
light； with its dancing dust…motes； was it indeed charged with
Fateindeed the augury of Love or Darkness？ And； slowly moving；
it mounted； the sun sinking； it rose above that bent head； hovered
in a golden mist； passedand suddenly was gone。
Unsteadily； seeing nothing plain； Anna walked out of the church。
Why she passed her husband and the boy on the terrace without a
look she could not quite have saidperhaps because the tortured
does not salute her torturers。 When she reached her room she felt
deadly tired； and lying down on her bed； almost at once fell
asleep。
She was wakened by a sound； and； recognizing the delicate 'rat…tat'
of her husband's knock； did not answer； indifferent whether he came
in or no。 He entered noiselessly。 If she did not let him know she
was awake； he would not wake her。 She lay still and watched him
sit down astride of a chair； cross his arms on its back； rest his
chin on them； and fix his eyes on her。 Through her veil of
eyelashes she had unconsciously contrived that his face should be
the one object plainly seenthe more intensely visualized； because
of this queer isolation。 She did not feel at all ashamed of this
mutual fixed scrutiny； in which she had such advantage。 He had
never shown her what was in him； never revealed what lay behind
those bright satiric eyes。 Now； perhaps； she would see！ And she
lay； regarding him with the intense excited absorption with which
one looks at a tiny wildflower through a magnifying…lens； and
watches its insignificance expanded to the size and importance of a
hothouse bloom。 In her mind was this thought： He is looking at me
with his real self； since he has no reason for armour against me
now。 At first his eyes seemed masked with their customary
brightness； his whole face with its usual decorous formality； then
gradually he became so changed that she hardly knew him。 That
decorousness； that brightness； melted off what lay behind； as
frosty dew melts off grass。 And her very soul contracted within
her； as if she had become identified with what he was seeinga
something to be passed over； a very nothing。 Yes； his was the face
of one looking at what was unintelligible； and therefore
negligible； at that which had no soul； at something of a different
and inferior species and of no great interest to a man。 His face
was like a soundless avowal of some conclusion； so fixed and
intimate that it must surely emanate from the very core of himbe
instinctive； unchangeable。 This was the real he！ A man despising
women！ Her first thought was： And he's marriedwhat a fate！ Her
second： If he feels that； perhaps thousands of men do！ Am I and
all women really what they think us？ The conviction in his stare
its through…and…through convictionhad infected her； and she gave
in to it for the moment； crushed。 Then her spirit revolted with
such turbulence； and the blood so throbbed in her； that she could
hardly lie still。 How dare he think her like thata nothing； a
bundle of soulless inexplicable whims and moods and sensuality？ A
thousand times； No！ It was HE who was the soulless one； the dry；
the godless one； who； in his sickening superiority； could thus deny
her； and with her all women！ That stare was as if he saw hera
doll tricked out in garments labelled soul； spirit； rights；
responsibilities； dignity； freedomall so many words。 It was
vile； it was horrible； that he should see her thus！ And a really
terrific struggle began in her between the desire to get up and cry
this out； and the knowledge that it would be stupid； undignified；
even mad； to show her comprehension of what he would never admit or
even understand that he had revealed to her。 And then a sort of
cynicism came to her rescue。 What a funny thing was married life
to have lived all these years with him； and never known what was at
the bottom of his heart！ She had the feeling now that； if she went
up to him and said： 〃I am in love with that boy！〃 it would only
make him droop the corners of his mouth and say in his most satiric
voice： 〃Really！ That is very interesting！〃would not change in
one iota his real thoughts of her； only confirm him in the
conviction that she was negligible； inexplicable； an inferior
strange form of animal； of no real interest to him。
And then； just when she felt that she could not hold herself in any
longer； he got up； passed on tiptoe to the door； opened it
noiselessly； and went out。
The moment he had gone； she jumped up。 So； then； she was linked to
one for whom she； for whom women； did not； as it were； exist！ It
seemed to her that she had stumbled on knowledge of almost sacred
importance； on the key of everything that had been puzzling and
hopeless in their married life。 If he really； secretly； whole…
heartedly despised her； the only feeling she need have for one so
dry； so narrow； so basically stupid； was just contempt。 But she
knew well enough that contempt would not shake what she had seen in
his face； he was impregnably walled within his clever； dull
conviction of superiority。 He was for ever intrenched； and she
would always be only the assailant。 Thoughwhat did it matter；
now？
Usually swift； almost careless； she was a long time that evening
over her toilette。 Her neck was very sunburnt； and she lingered；
doubtful whether to hide it with powder； or accept her gipsy
colouring。 She did accept it； for she saw that it gave her eyes；
so like glacier ice； under their black lashes； and her hair； with
its surprising glints of flame colour； a peculiar value。
When the dinner…bell rang she passed her husband's door without； as
usual； knocking； and went down alone。
In the hall she noticed some of the English party of the mountain
hut。 They did not greet her； conceiving an immediate interest in
the barometer； but she could feel them staring at her very hard。
She sat down to wait； and at once became conscious of the boy
coming over from the other side of the room； rather like a person
walking in his sleep。 He said not a word。 But how he looked！ And
her heart began to beat。 Was this the moment she had longed for？
If it； indeed； had come； dared she take it？ Then she saw her
husband descending the stairs； saw him greet the English party；
heard the intoning of their drawl。 She looked up at the boy； and
said quickly： 〃Was it a happy day？〃 It gave her such delight to
keep that look on his face； that look as if he had forgotten
everything except just the sight of her。 His eyes seemed to have
in them something holy at that moment； something of the wonder…
yearning of Nature and of innocence。 It was dreadful to know that
in a moment that look must be gone； perhaps never to come back on
his facethat look so precious！ Her husband was approaching now！
Let him see； if he would！ Let him see that someone could adore
that she was not to everyone a kind of lower animal。 Yes； he must
have seen the boy's face； and yet his expression never changed。 He
noticed nothing！ Or was it that he disdained to notice？
VII
Then followed for young Lennan a strange time； when he never knew
from minute to minute whether he was happyalways try
