the dark flower-第24章
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the word 〃home〃 were strange to her。
She drank her coffee and got up； and the Colonel felt afraid of
her； standing thereafraid of what she was going to tell him。 He
grew very red。 But； worse than all； she said absolutely nothing；
only shrugged her shoulders with a little smile that went to his
heart。
VI
On the wild thyme； under the olives below the rock village of
Gorbio； with their mules cropping at a little distance； those two
sat after their lunch； listening to the cuckoos。 Since their
uncanny chance meeting that morning in the gardens； when they sat
with their hands just touching； amazed and elated by their own good
fortune； there was not much need to say what they felt； to break
with words this rapture of belonging to each otherso shyly； so
wildly； so； as it were； without reality。 They were like epicures
with old wine in their glasses； not yet tired of its fragrance and
the spell of anticipation。
And so their talk was not of love； but； in that pathetic way of
star…crossed lovers； of the things they loved； leaving outeach
other。
It was the telling of her dream that brought the words from him at
last； but she drew away； and answered：
〃It can'tit mustn't be！〃
Then he just clung to her hand； and presently； seeing that her eyes
were wet； took courage enough to kiss her cheek。
Trembling and fugitive indeed that first passage of their love。
Not much of the conquering male in him； nor in her of the ordinary
enchantress。
And then they went； outwardly sober enough； riding their mules down
the stony slopes back to Mentone。
But in the grey； dusty railway…carriage when she had left him； he
was like a man drugged； staring at where she had sat opposite。
Two hours later； at dinner in her hotel； between her and Mrs。
Ercott； with the Colonel opposite； he knew for the first time what
he was faced with。 To watch every thought that passed within him；
lest it should by the slightest sign betray him； to regulate and
veil every look and every word he spoke to her； never for a second
to forget that these other persons were actual and dangerous； not
merely the insignificant and grotesque shadows that they seemed。
It would be perhaps for ever a part of his love for her to seem not
to love her。 He did not dare dream of fulfilment。 He was to be
her friend； and try to bring her happinessburn and long for her；
and not think about reward。 This was his first real overwhelming
passionso different to the loves of springand he brought to it
all that naivete； that touching quality of young Englishmen； whose
secret instinct it is to back away from the full nature of love；
even from admitting that it has that nature。 They two were to
love； andnot to love！ For the first time he understood a little
of what that meant。 A few stolen adoring minutes now and then；
and； for the rest； the presence of a world that must be deceived。
Already he had almost a hatred of that orderly； brown…faced
Colonel； with his eyes that looked so steady and saw nothing； of
that flat； kindly lady； who talked so pleasantly throughout dinner；
saying things that he had to answer without knowing what they
signified。 He realized； with a sense of shock； that he was
deprived of all interests in life but one； not even his work had
any meaning apart from HER。 It lit no fire within him to hear Mrs。
Ercott praise certain execrable pictures in the Royal Academy；
which she had religiously visited the day before leaving home。 And
as the interminable meal wore on； he began even to feel grief and
wonder that Olive could be so smiling； so gay； and calm； so； as it
seemed to him； indifferent to this intolerable impossibility of
exchanging even one look of love。 Did she really love himcould
she love him； and show not one little sign of it？ And suddenly he
felt her foot touch his own。 It was the faintest sidelong；
supplicating pressure； withdrawn at once； but it said： 'I know what
you are suffering； I； too； but I love you。' Characteristically； he
felt that it cost her dear to make use of that little primitive
device of common loves； the touch awoke within him only chivalry。
He would burn for ever sooner than cause her the pain of thinking
that he was not happy。
After dinner； they sat out on a balcony。 The stars glowed above
the palms； a frog was croaking。 He managed to draw his chair so
that he could look at her unseen。 How deep； and softly dark her
eyes； when for a second they rested on his！ A moth settled on her
kneea cunning little creature； with its hooded； horned owl's
face； and tiny black slits of eyes！ Would it have come so
confidingly to anyone but her？ The Colonel knew its namehe had
collected it。 Very common； he said。 The interest in it passed；
but Lennan stayed； bent forward； gazing at that silk…covered knee。
The voice of Mrs。 Ercott； sharper than its wont； said： 〃What day
does Robert say he wants you back； my dear？〃
He managed to remain gazing at the moth； even to take it gently
from her knee； while he listened to her calm answer。
〃Tuesday； I believe。〃
Then he got up； and let the moth fly into the darkness； his hands
and lips were trembling； and he was afraid of their being seen。 He
had never known； had not dreamed； of such a violent； sick feeling。
That this man could thus hale her home at will！ It was grotesque；
fantastic； awful； butit was true！ Next Tuesday she would journey
back away from him to be again at the mercy of her Fate！ The pain
of this thought made him grip the railing； and grit his teeth； to
keep himself from crying out。 And another thought came to him： I
shall have to go about with this feeling； day and night； and keep
it secret。
They were saying good…night； and he had to smirk and smile； and
pretendto her above allthat he was happy； and he could see that
she knew it was pretence。
Then he was alone； with the feeling that he had failed her at the
first shot； torn； too； between horror of what he suddenly saw
before him； and longing to be back in her presence at any cost。 。 。 。
And all this on the day of that first kiss which had seemed to
him to make her so utterly his own。
He sat down on a bench facing the Casino。 Neither the lights； nor
the people passing in and out； not even the gipsy bandsmen's music；
distracted his thoughts for a second。 Could it be less than
twenty…four hours since he had picked up her handkerchief； not
thirty yards away？ In that twenty…four hours he seemed to have
known every emotion that man could feel。 And in all the world
there was now not one soul to whom he could speak his real
thoughtsnot even to her； because from her； beyond all； he must
keep at any cost all knowledge of his unhappiness。 So this was
illicit loveas it was called！ Loneliness； and torture！ Not
jealousyfor her heart was his； but amazement； outrage； fear。
Endless lonely suffering！ And nobody； if they knew； would care； or
pity him one jot！
Was there really； then； as the ancients thought； a Daemon that
liked to play with men； as men liked to stir an earwig and turn it
over and put a foot on it in the end？
He got up and made his way towards the railway…station。 There was
the bench where she had been sitting when he came on her that very
morning。 The stars in their courses had seemed to fight for them
then； but whether for joy he no longer knew。 And there on the seat
were still the pepper berries she had crushed and strewn。 He broke
off another bunch and bruised them。 That scent was the ghost of
sacred minutes when her hand lay against his own。 The stars in
their coursesfor joy or sorrow！
VII
There was no peace now for Colonel and Mrs。 Ercott。 They felt
themselves conspirators； and of conspiracy they had never had the
habit。 Yet how could they openly deal with anxieties which had
arisen solely from what they had chanced secretly to see？ What was
not intended for one's eyes and ears did not exist； no canon of
conduct could be quite so sacred。 As well defend the opening of
another person's letters as admit the possibility of making use of
adventitious knowledge。 So far tradition； and indeed character；
made them feel at one； and conspire freely。 But they diverged on a
