the dark flower-第18章
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that a heart which felt that； could hate at the same moment that
flower…face； and burn to kill with kisses that eagerness in the
boy's eyes。 The storm in her slowly passed。 And she prayed just
to feel nothing。 It was natural that she should lose her hour！
Natural that her thirst should go unslaked； and her passion never
bloom； natural that youth should go to youth； this boy to his own
kind； by the law oflove。 The breeze blowing down the valley
fanned her cheeks； and brought her a faint sensation of relief。
Nobility！ Was it just a word？ Or did those that gave up happiness
feel noble？
She wandered for a long time in the park。 Not till late afternoon
did she again pass out by the gate； through which she had entered；
full of hope。 She met no one before she reached her room； and
there； to be safe； took refuge in her bed。 She dreaded only lest
the feeling of utter weariness should leave her。 She wanted no
vigour of mind or body till she was away from here。 She meant
neither to eat nor drink； only to sleep； if she could。 To…morrow；
if there were any early train； she could be gone before she need
see anyone； her husband must arrange。 As to what he would think；
and she could saytime enough to decide that。 And what did it
matter？ The one vital thing now was not to see the boy； for she
could not again go through hours of struggle like those。 She rang
the bell； and sent the startled maid with a message to her husband。
And while she waited for him to come； her pride began revolting。
She must not let him see。 That would be horrible。 And slipping
out of bed she got a handkerchief and the eau…de…Cologne flask； and
bandaged her forehead。 He came almost instantly； entering in his
quick； noiseless way； and stood looking at her。 He did not ask
what was the matter； but simply waited。 And never before had she
realized so completely how he began； as it were； where she left
off； began on a plane from which instinct and feeling were as
carefully ruled out as though they had been blasphemous。 She
summoned all her courage； and said： 〃I went into the park； the sun
must have been too hot。 I should like to go home to…morrow； if you
don't mind。 I can't bear not feeling well in other people's
houses。〃
She was conscious of a smile flickering over his face； then it grew
grave。
〃Ah！〃 he said； 〃yes。 The sun； a touch of that will last some days。
Will you be fit to travel； though？〃
She had a sudden conviction that he knew all about it； but that
since to know all about it was to feel himself ridiculoushe had
the power of making himself believe that he knew nothing。 Was this
fine of him； or was it hateful？
She closed her eyes and said：
〃My head is bad； but I SHALL be able。 Only I don't want a fuss
made。 Could we go by a train before they are down？〃
She heard him say：
〃Yes。 That will have its advantages。〃
There was not the faintest sound now； but of course he was still
there。 In that dumb； motionless presence was all her future。 Yes；
that would be her futurea thing without feeling； and without
motion。 A fearful curiosity came on her to look at it。 She opened
her gaze。 He was still standing just as he had been； his eyes
fixed on her。 But one hand； on the edge of his coat pocketout of
the picture； as it werewas nervously closing and unclosing。 And
suddenly she felt pity。 Not for her futurewhich must be like
that； but for him。 How dreadful to have grown so that all emotion
was exiledhow dreadful！ And she said gently：
〃I am sorry； Harold。〃
As if he had heard something strange and startling； his eyes
dilated in a curious way； he buried that nervous hand in his
pocket； turned； and went out。
XVII
When young Mark came on Sylvia by the logan…stone； it was less
surprising to him than if he had not known she was therehaving
watched her go。 She was sitting； all humped together； brooding
over the water； her sunbonnet thrown back； and that hair； in which
his star had caught； shining faint…gold under the sun。 He came on
her softly through the grass； and； when he was a little way off；
thought it best to halt。 If he startled her she might run away；
and he would not have the heart to follow。 How still she was； lost
in her brooding！ He wished he could see her face。 He spoke at
last； gently：
〃Sylvia！ 。 。 。 Would you mind？〃
And； seeing that she did not move； he went up to her。 Surely she
could not still be angry with him！
〃Thanks most awfully for that book you gave meit looks splendid！〃
She made no answer。 And leaning his rod against the stone； he
sighed。 That silence of hers seemed to him unjust； what was it she
wanted him to say or do？ Life was not worth living； if it was to
be all bottled up like this。
〃I never meant to hurt you。 I hate hurting people。 It's only that
my beasts are so badI can't bear people to see themespecially
youI want to please youI do really。 So； you see； that was all。
You MIGHT forgive me； Sylvia！〃
Something over the wall； a rustling； a scattering in the fern
deer； no doubt！ And again he said eagerly； softly：
〃You might be nice to me； Sylvia； you really might。〃
Very quickly； turning her head away； she said：
〃It isn't that any more。 It'sit's something else。〃
〃What else？〃
〃Nothingonly； that I don't countnow〃
He knelt down beside her。 What did she mean？ But he knew well
enough。
〃Of course； you count！ Most awfully！ Oh； don't be unhappy！ I
hate people being unhappy。 Don't be unhappy； Sylvia！〃 And he
began gently to stroke her arm。 It was all strange and troubled
within him； one thing only plainhe must not admit anything！ As
if reading that thought； her blue eyes seemed suddenly to search
right into him。 Then she pulled some blades of grass； and began
plaiting them。
〃SHE counts。〃
Ah！ He was not going to say： She doesn't！ It would be caddish to
say that。 Even if she didn't countDid she still？it would be
mean and low。 And in his eyes just then there was the look that
had made his tutor compare him to a lion cub in trouble。
Sylvia was touching his arm。
〃Mark！〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Don't！〃
He got up and took his rod。 What was the use？ He could not stay
there with her； since he could notmust not speak。
〃Are you going？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Are you angry？ PLEASE don't be angry with me。〃
He felt a choke in his throat； bent down to her hand； and kissed
it； then shouldered his rod； and marched away。 Looking back once；
he saw her still sitting there； gazing after him； forlorn； by that
great stone。 It seemed to him； then； there was nowhere he could
go； nowhere except among the birds and beasts and trees； who did
not mind even if you were all mixed up and horrible inside。 He lay
down in the grass on the bank。 He could see the tiny trout moving
round and round the stones； swallows came all about him； flying
very low； a hornet； too； bore him company for a little。 But he
could take interest in nothing； it was as if his spirit were in
prison。 It would have been nice； indeed； to be that water； never
staying； passing； passing； or wind； touching everything； never
caught。 To be able to do nothing without hurting someonethat was
what was so ghastly。 If only one were like a flower； that just
sprang up and lived its life all to itself； and died。 But whatever
he did； or said now； would be like telling lies； or else being
cruel。 The only thing was to keep away from people。 And yet how
keep away from his own guests？
He went back to the house for lunch； but both those guests were
out； no one seemed quite to know where。 Restless； unhappy；
puzzled； he wandered round and about all the afternoon。 Just
before dinner he was told of Mrs。 Stormer's not being well； and
that they would be leaving to…morrow。 Goingafter three days！
That plunged him deeper into his strange and sorrowful confusion。
He was reduced now to a complete brooding silence。 He knew he was
attracting attention； but could not help it。 Several times during
dinner he caught Gordy's eyes fixed on him； from under those puffy
half…closed lids； with asphyxiated speculation。 But he simply
COULD not talkeverything that came into his mind to say seemed
false。 Ah！ it was
