the new machiavelli-第95章

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the　daily　atmosphere。　　Preceding　our　imperatively　sterile　passion；　

you　must　remember；　outside　it；　altogether　greater　than　it　so　far　as　

our　individual　lives　were　concerned；　there　had　grown　and　still　grew　

an　enormous　affection　and　intellectual　sympathy　between　us。　　We　

brought　all　our　impressions　and　all　our　ideas　to　each　other；　to　see　

them　in　each　other's　light。　　It　is　hard　to　convey　that　quality　of　

intellectual　unison　to　any　one　who　has　not　experienced　it。　　I　

thought　more　and　more　in　terms　of　conversation　with　Isabel；　her　

possible　comments　upon　things　would　flash　into　my　mind；　oh！with　

the　very　sound　of　her　voice。



I　remember；　too；　the　odd　effect　of　seeing　her　in　the　distance　going　

about　Handitch；　like　any　stranger　canvasser；　the　queer　emotion　of　

her　approach　along　the　street；　the　greeting　as　she　passed。　　The　

morning　of　the　polling　she　vanished　from　the　constituency。　　I　saw　

her　for　an　instant　in　the　passage　behind　our　Committee　rooms。



〃Going？〃　said　I。



She　nodded。



〃Stay　it　out。　　I　want　you　to　see　the　fun。　　I　rememberthe　other　

time。〃



She　didn't　answer　for　a　moment　or　so；　and　stood　with　face　averted。



〃It's　Margaret's　show；〃　she　said　abruptly。　　〃If　I　see　her　smiling　

there　like　a　queen　by　your　side！　　She　didlast　time。　　I　

remember。〃　　She　caught　at　a　sob　and　dashed　her　hand　across　her　face　

impatiently。　　〃Jealous　fool；　mean　and　petty；　jealous　fool！　。　。　。　　

Good　luck；　old　man；　to　you！　　You're　going　to　win。　　But　I　don't　want　

to　see　the　end　of　it　all　the　same。　。　。　。〃



〃Good…bye！〃　said　I；　clasping　her　hand　as　some　supporter　appeared　in　

the　passage。　。　。　。



I　came　back　to　London　victorious；　and　a　little　flushed　and　coarse　

with　victory；　and　so　soon　as　I　could　break　away　I　went　to　Isabel's　

flat　and　found　her　white　and　worn；　with　the　stain　of　secret　weeping　

about　her　eyes。　　I　came　into　the　room　to　her　and　shut　the　door。



〃You　said　I'd　win；〃　I　said；　and　held　out　my　arms。



She　hugged　me　closely　for　a　moment。



〃My　dear；〃　I　whispered；　〃it's　nothingwithout　younothing！〃



We　didn't　speak　for　some　seconds。　　Then　she　slipped　from　my　hold。　　

〃Look！〃　she　said；　smiling　like　winter　sunshine。　　〃I've　had　in　all　

the　morning　papersthe　pile　of　them；　and　youresounding。〃



〃It's　more　than　I　dared　hope。〃



〃Or　I。〃



She　stood　for　a　moment　still　smiling　bravely；　and　then　she　was　

sobbing　in　my　arms。　　〃The　bigger　you　arethe　more　you　show；〃　she　

said〃　the　more　we　are　parted。　　I　know；　I　know〃



I　held　her　close　to　me；　making　no　answer。



Presently　she　became　still。　　〃Oh；　well；〃　she　said；　and　wiped　her　

eyes　and　sat　down　on　the　little　sofa　by　the　fire；　and　I　sat　down　

beside　her。



〃I　didn't　know　all　there　was　in　love；〃　she　said；　staring　at　the　

coals；　〃when　we　went　love…making。〃



I　put　my　arm　behind　her　and　took　a　handful　of　her　dear　soft　hair　in　

my　hand　and　kissed　it。



〃You've　done　a　great　thing　this　time；〃　she　said。　　〃Handitch　will　

make　you。〃



〃It　opens　big　chances；〃　I　said。　　〃But　why　are　you　weeping；　dear　

one？〃



〃Envy；〃　she　said；　〃and　love。〃



〃You're　not　lonely？〃



〃I've　plenty　to　doand　lots　of　people。〃



〃Well？〃



〃I　want　you。〃



〃You've　got　me。〃



She　put　her　arm　about　me　and　kissed　me。　　〃I　want　you；〃　she　said；　

〃just　as　if　I　had　nothing　of　you。　　You　don't　understandhow　a　woman　

wants　a　man。　　I　thought　once　if　I　just　gave　myself　to　you　it　would　

be　enough。　　It　was　nothingit　was　just　a　step　across　the　threshold。　　

My　dear；　every　moment　you　are　away　I　ache　for　youache！　　I　want　to　

be　about　when　it　isn't　love…making　or　talk。　　I　want　to　be　doing　

things　for　you；　and　watching　you　when　you're　not　thinking　of　me。　　

All　those　safe；　careless；　intimate　things。　　And　something　else〃　

She　stopped。　　〃Dear；　I　don't　want　to　bother　you。　　I　just　want　you　to　

know　I　love　you。　。　。　。〃



She　caught　my　head　in　her　hands　and　kissed　it；　then　stood　up　

abruptly。



I　looked　up　at　her；　a　little　perplexed。



〃Dear　heart；〃　said　I；　〃isn't　this　enough？　　You're　my　councillor；　my　

colleague；　my　right　hand；　the　secret　soul　of　my　life〃



〃And　I　want　to　darn　your　socks；〃　she　said；　smiling　back　at　me。



〃You're　insatiable。〃



She　smiled　〃No；〃　she　said。　　〃I'm　not　insatiable；　Master。　　But　I'm　a　

woman　in　love。　　And　I'm　finding　out　what　I　want；　and　what　is　

necessary　to　meand　what　I　can't　have。　　That's　all。〃



〃We　get　a　lot。〃



〃We　want　a　lot。　　You　and　I　are　greedy　people　for　the　things　we　like；　

Master。　　It's　very　evident　we've　got　nearly　all　we　can　ever　have　of　

one　anotherand　I'm　not　satisfied。〃



〃What　more　is　there？



〃For　youvery　little。　　I　wonder。　　For　meevery　thing。　　Yes

everything。　　You　didn't　mean　it；　Master；　you　didn't　know　any　more　

than　I　did　when　I　began；　but　love　between　a　man　and　a　woman　is　

sometimes　very　one…sided。　　Fearfully　one…sided！　　That's　all。　。　。　。〃



〃Don't　YOU　ever　want　children？〃　she　said　abruptly。



〃I　suppose　I　do。〃



〃You　don't！〃



〃I　haven't　thought　of　them。〃



〃A　man　doesn't；　perhaps。　　But　I　have。　。　。　。　　I　want　themlike　

hunger。　　YOUR　children；　and　home　with　you。　　Really；　continually　you！　　

That's　the　trouble。　。　。　。　　I　can't　have　'em；　Master；　and　I　can't　

have　you。〃



She　was　crying；　and　through　her　tears　she　laughed。



〃I'm　going　to　make　a　scene；〃　she　said；　〃and　get　this　over。　　I'm　so　

discontented　and　miserable；　I've　got　to　tell　you。　　It　would　come　

between　us　if　I　didn't。　　I'm　in　love　with　you；　with　everythingwith　

all　my　brains。　　I'll　pull　through　all　right。　　I'll　be　good；　Master；　

never　you　fear。　　But　to…day　I'm　crying　out　with　all　my　being。　　This　

electionYou're　going　up；　you're　going　on。　　In　these　papersyou're　

a　great　big　fact。　　It's　suddenly　come　home　to　me。　　At　the　back　of　my　

mind　I've　always　had　the　idea　I　was　going　to　have　you　somehow　

presently　for　myselfI　mean　to　have　you　to　go　long　tramps　with；　to　

keep　house　for；　to　get　meals　for；　to　watch　for　of　an　evening。　　It's　

a　sort　of　habitual　background　to　my　thought　of　you。　　And　it's　

nonsenseutter　nonsense！〃　　She　stopped。　　She　was　crying　and　

choking。　　〃And　the　child；　you　knowthe　child！〃



I　was　troubled　beyond　measure；　but　Handitch　and　its　intimations　were　

clear　and　strong。



〃We　can't　have　that；〃　I　said。



〃No；〃　she　said；　〃we　can't　have　that。〃



〃We've　got　our　own　things　to　do。〃



〃YOUR　things；〃　she　said。



〃Aren't　they　yours　too？〃



〃Because　of　you；〃　she　said。



〃Aren't　they　your　very　own　things？〃



〃Women　don't　have　that　sort　of　very　own　thing。　　Indeed；　it's　true！　　

And　think！　　You've　been　down　there　preaching　the　goodness　of　

children；　telling　them　the　only　good　thing　in　a　state　is　happy；　

hopeful　children；　working　to　free　mothers　and　children〃



〃And　we　give　our　own　children　to　do　it？〃　I　said。



〃Yes；〃　she　said。　　〃And　sometimes　I　think　it's　too　much　to　givetoo　

much　altogether。　。　。　。　　Children　get　into　a　woman's　brainwhen　she　

mustn't　have　them；　especially　when　she　must　never　hope　for　them。　　

Think　of　the　child　we　might　have　now！the　little　creature　with　

soft；　tender　skin；　and　little　hands　and　little　feet！　　At　times　it　

haunts　me。　　It　comes　and　says；　Why　wasn't　I　given　life？　　I　can　hear　

it　in　the　night。　。　。　。　　The　world　is　full　of　such　little　ghosts；　

dear　loverlittle　things　that　asked　for　life　and　were　refused。　　

They　clamour　to　me。　　It's　like　a　little　fist　beating　at　my　heart。　　

Love　children；　beautiful　children。　　Little　cold　hands　that　tear　at　

my　heart！　　Oh；　my　heart　and　my　lord！〃　　She　was　holding　my　arm　with　

both　her　hands　and　weeping　against　it；　and　now　she　drew　herself　to　

my　shoulder　and　wept　and　sobbed　in　my　embrace。　　〃I　shall　never　sit　

with　your　child　on　my　knee　and　you　beside　me…never；　and　I　am　a　woman　

and　your　lover！　。　。　。〃







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But　the　profound　impossibility　of　our　relation　was　now　becoming　more　

and　more　apparent　to　us。　　We　found　ourselves　seeking　justification；　

clinging　passionately　to　a　situati