the new machiavelli-第92章

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crossed　in　the　TUSCAN；　a　bad；　wet　boat；　and　mixed　seasickness　with　

ungovernable　sorrow。　　I　wepttears。　　It　was　inexpressibly　queer　and　

ridiculousand；　good　God！　how　I　hated　my　fellow…passengers！



New　York　inflamed　and　excited　me　for　a　time；　and　when　things　

slackened；　I　whirled　westward　to　Chicagoeating　and　drinking；　I　

remember；　in　the　train　from　shoals　of　little　dishes；　with　a　sort　of　

desperate　voracity。　　I　did　the　queerest　things　to　distract　myself

no　novelist　would　dare　to　invent　my　mental　and　emotional　muddle。　　

Chicago　also　held　me　at　first；　amazing　lapse　from　civilisation　that　

the　place　is！　and　then　abruptly；　with　hosts　expecting　me；　and　

everything　settled　for　some　days　in　Denver；　I　found　myself　at　the　

end　of　my　renunciations；　and　turned　and　came　back　headlong　to　

London。



Let　me　confess　it　wasn't　any　sense　of　perfect　and　incurable　trust　

and　confidence　that　brought　me　back；　or　any　idea　that　now　I　had　

strength　to　refrain。　　It　was　a　sudden　realisation　that　after　all　the　

separation　might　succeed；　some　careless　phrasing　in　one　of　her　

jealously　read　letters　set　that　idea　going　in　my　mindthe　haunting　

perception　that　I　might　return　to　London　and　find　it　empty　of　the　

Isabel　who　had　pervaded　it。　　Honour；　discretion；　the　careers　of　both　

of　us；　became　nothing　at　the　thought。　　I　couldn't　conceive　my　life　

resuming　there　without　Isabel。　　I　couldn't；　in　short；　stand　it。



I　don't　even　excuse　my　return。　　It　is　inexcusable。　　I　ought　to　have　

kept　upon　my　way　westwardand　held　out。　　I　couldn't。　　I　wanted　

Isabel；　and　I　wanted　her　so　badly　now　that　everything　else　in　the　

world　was　phantom…like　until　that　want　was　satisfied。　　Perhaps　you　

have　never　wanted　anything　like　that。　　I　went　straight　to　her。



But　here　I　come　to　untellable　things。　　There　is　no　describing　the　

reality　of　love。　　The　shapes　of　things　are　nothing；　the　actual　

happenings　are　nothing；　except　that　somehow　there　falls　a　light　upon　

them　and　a　wonder。　　Of　how　we　met；　and　the　thrill　of　the　adventure；　

the　curious　bright　sense　of　defiance；　the　joy　of　having　dared；　I　

can't　tellI　can　but　hint　of　just　one　aspect；　of　what　an　amazing　

LARKit's　the　only　wordit　seemed　to　us。　　The　beauty　which　was　the　

essence　of　it；　which　justifies　it　so　far　as　it　will　bear　

justification；　eludes　statement。



What　can　a　record　of　contrived　meetings；　of　sundering　difficulties　

evaded　and　overcome；　signify　here？　　Or　what　can　it　convey　to　say　

that　one　looked　deep　into　two　dear；　steadfast　eyes；　or　felt　a　heart　

throb　and　beat；　or　gripped　soft　hair　softly　in　a　trembling　hand？　　

Robbed　of　encompassing　love；　these　things　are　of　no　more　value　than　

the　taste　of　good　wine　or　the　sight　of　good　pictures；　or　the　hearing　

of　music；just　sensuality　and　no　more。　　No　one　can　tell　lovewe　

can　only　tell　the　gross　facts　of　love　and　its　consequences。　　Given　

lovegiven　mutuality；　and　one　has　effected　a　supreme　synthesis　and　

come　to　a　new　level　of　lifebut　only　those　who　know　can　know。　　This　

business　has　brought　me　more　bitterness　and　sorrow　than　I　had　ever　

expected　to　bear；　but　even　now　I　will　not　say　that　I　regret　that　

wilful　home…coming　altogether。　　We　lovedto　the　uttermost。　　Neither　

of　us　could　have　loved　any　one　else　as　we　did　and　do　love　one　

another。　　It　was　ours；　that　beauty；　it　existed　only　between　us　when　

we　were　close　together；　for　no　one　in　the　world　ever　to　know　save　

ourselves。



My　return　to　the　office　sticks　out　in　my　memory　with　an　extreme　

vividness；　because　of　the　wild　eagle　of　pride　that　screamed　within　

me。　　It　was　Tuesday　morning；　and　though　not　a　soul　in　London　knew　of　

it　yet　except　Isabel；　I　had　been　back　in　England　a　week。　　I　came　in　

upon　Britten　and　stood　in　the　doorway。



〃GOD！〃　he　said　at　the　sight　of　me。



〃I'm　back；〃　I　said。



He　looked　at　my　excited　face　with　those　red…brown　eyes　of　his。　　

Silently　I　defied　him　to　speak　his　mind。



〃Where　did　you　turn　back？〃　he　said　at　last。







6





I　had　to　tell　what　were；　so　far　as　I　can　remember　my　first　positive　

lies　to　Margaret　in　explaining　that　return。　　I　had　written　to　her　

from　Chicago　and　again　from　New　York；　saying　that　I　felt　I　ought　to　

be　on　the　spot　in　England　for　the　new　session；　and　that　I　was　coming　

backpresently。　　I　concealed　the　name　of　my　boat　from　her；　and　made　

a　calculated　prevarication　when　I　announced　my　presence　in　London。　　

I　telephoned　before　I　went　back　for　my　rooms　to　be　prepared。　　She　

was；　I　knew；　with　the　Bunting　Harblows　in　Durham；　and　when　she　came　

back　to　Radnor　Square　I　had　been　at　home　a　day。



I　remember　her　return　so　well。



My　going　away　and　the　vivid　secret　of　the　present　had　wiped　out　from　

my　mind　much　of　our　long　estrangement。　　Something；　too；　had　changed　

in　her。　　I　had　had　some　hint　of　it　in　her　letters；　but　now　I　saw　it　

plainly。　　I　came　out　of　my　study　upon　the　landing　when　I　heard　the　

turmoil　of　her　arrival　below；　and　she　came　upstairs　with　a　quickened　

gladness。　　It　was　a　cold　March；　and　she　was　dressed　in　unfamiliar　

dark　furs　that　suited　her　extremely　and　reinforced　the　delicate　

flush　of　her　sweet　face。　　She　held　out　both　her　hands　to　me；　and　

drew　me　to　her　unhesitatingly　and　kissed　me。



〃So　glad　you　are　back；　dear；〃　she　said。　　〃Oh！　so　very　glad　you　are　

back。〃



I　returned　her　kiss　with　a　queer　feeling　at　my　heart；　too　

undifferentiated　to　be　even　a　definite　sense　of　guilt　or　meanness。　　

I　think　it　was　chiefly　amazementat　the　universeat　myself。



〃I　never　knew　what　it　was　to　be　away　from　you；〃　she　said。



I　perceived　suddenly　that　she　had　resolved　to　end　our　estrangement。　　

She　put　herself　so　that　my　arm　came　caressingly　about　her。



〃These　are　jolly　furs；〃　I　said。



〃I　got　them　for　you。〃



The　parlourmaid　appeared　below　dealing　with　the　maid　and　the　luggage　

cab。



〃Tell　me　all　about　America；〃　said　Margaret。　　〃I　feel　as　though　you'd　

been　away　six　year's。〃



We　went　arm　in　arm　into　our　little　sitting…room；　and　I　took　off　the　

fur's　for　her　and　sat　down　upon　the　chintz…covered　sofa　by　the　fire。　　

She　had　ordered　tea；　and　came　and　sat　by　me。　　I　don't　know　what　I　

had　expected；　but　of　all　things　I　had　certainly　not　expected　this　

sudden　abolition　of　our　distances。



〃I　want　to　know　all　about　America；〃　she　repeated；　with　her　eyes　

scrutinising　me。　　〃Why　did　you　come　back？〃



I　repeated　the　substance　of　my　letters　rather　lamely；　and　she　sat　

listening。



〃But　why　did　you　turn　backwithout　going　to　Denver？〃



〃I　wanted　to　come　back。　　I　was　restless。〃



〃Restlessness；〃　she　said；　and　thought。　　〃You　were　restless　in　

Venice。　　You　said　it　was　restlessness　took　you　to　America。〃



Again　she　studied　me。　　She　turned　a　little　awkwardly　to　her　tea　

things；　and　poured　needless　water　from　the　silver　kettle　into　the　

teapot。　　Then　she　sat　still　for　some　moments　looking　at　the　equipage　

with　expressionless　eyes。　　I　saw　her　hand　upon　the　edge　of　the　table　

tremble　slightly。　　I　watched　her　closely。　　A　vague　uneasiness　

possessed　me。　　What　might　she　not　know　or　guess？



She　spoke　at　last　with　an　effort。　　〃I　wish　you　were　in　Parliament　

again；〃　she　said。　　〃Life　doesn't　give　you　events　enough。〃



〃If　I　was　in　Parliament　again；　I　should　be　on　the　Conservative　

side。〃



〃I　know；〃　she　said；　and　was　still　more　thoughtful。



〃Lately；〃　she　began；　and　paused。　　〃Lately　I've　been　readingyou。〃



I　didn't　help　her　out　with　what　she　had　to　say。　　I　waited。



〃I　didn't　understand　what　you　were　after。　　I　had　misjudged。　　I　

didn't　know。　　I　think　perhaps　I　was　rather　stupid。〃　　Her　eyes　were　

suddenly　shining　with　tears。　　〃You　didn't　give　me　much　chance　to　

understand。〃



She　turned　upon　me　suddenly　with　a　voice　full　of　tears。



〃Husband；〃　she　said　abruptly；　holding　her　two　hands　out　to　me；　〃I　

want　to　begin　over　again！〃



I　took　her　hands；　perplexed　beyond　measure。　　〃My　dear！〃　I　said。



〃I　want　to　begin　over　again。〃



I　bowed　my　head　to　hide　my