the new machiavelli-第51章

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room　between　those　cyclamens　and　the　cabinet。　　There　were　little　

gold　fishermen　on　the　cabinet　fishing　from　little　islands　that　each　

had　a　pagoda　and　a　tree；　and　there　were　also　men　in　boats　or　

something；　I　couldn't　determine　what；　and　some　obscure　sub…office　in　

my　mind　concerned　itself　with　that　quite　intently。　　Yet　I　seem　to　

have　been　striving　with　all　my　being　to　get　words　for　the　truth　of　

things。　　〃You　see；〃　I　emerged；　〃you　make　everything　possible　to　me。　　

You　can　give　me　help　and　sympathy；　support；　understanding。　　You　know　

my　political　ambitions。　　You　know　all　that　I　might　do　in　the　world。　　

I　do　so　intensely　want　to　do　constructive　things；　big　things　

perhaps；　in　this　wild　jumble。　。　。　。　　Only　you　don't　know　a　bit　what　

I　am。　　I　want　to　tell　you　what　I　am。　　I'm　complex。　。　。　。　　I'm　

streaked。〃



I　glanced　at　her；　and　she　was　regarding　me　with　an　expression　of　

blissful　disregard　for　any　meaning　I　was　seeking　to　convey。



〃You　see；〃　I　said；　〃I'm　a　bad　man。〃



She　sounded　a　note　of　valiant　incredulity。



Everything　seemed　to　be　slipping　away　from　me。　　I　pushed　on　to　the　

ugly　facts　that　remained　over　from　the　wreck　of　my　interpretation。　　

〃What　has　held　me　back；〃　I　said；　〃is　the　thought　that　you　could　not　

possibly　understand　certain　things　in　my　life。　　Men　are　not　pure　as　

women　are。　　I　have　had　love　affairs。　　I　mean　I　have　had　affairs。　　

Passiondesire。　　You　see；　I　have　had　a　mistress；　I　have　been　

entangled〃



She　seemed　about　to　speak；　but　I　interrupted。　　〃I'm　not　telling　

you；〃　I　said；　〃what　I　meant　to　tell　you。　　I　want　you　to　know　clearly　

that　there　is　another　side　to　my　life；　a　dirty　side。　　Deliberately　I　

say；　dirty。　　It　didn't　seem　so　at　first〃



I　stopped　blankly。　　〃Dirty；〃　I　thought；　was　the　most　idiotic　choice　

of　words　to　have　made。



I　had　never　in　any　tolerable　sense　of　the　word　been　dirty。



〃I　drifted　into　thisas　men　do；〃　I　said　after　a　little　pause　and　

stopped　again。



She　was　looking　at　me　with　her　wide　blue　eyes。



〃Did　you　imagine；〃　she　began；　〃that　I　thought　youthat　I　expected〃



〃But　how　can　you　know？〃



〃I　know。　　I　do　know。〃



〃But〃　I　began。



〃I　know；〃　she　persisted；　dropping　her　eyelids。　　〃Of　course　I　know；〃　

and　nothing　could　have　convinced　me　more　completely　that　she　did　not　

know。



〃All　men〃　she　generalised。　　〃A　woman　does　not　understand　these　

temptations。〃



I　was　astonished　beyond　measure　at　her　way　of　taking　my　confession。　

。　。　。



〃Of　course；〃　she　said；　hesitating　a　little　over　a　transparent　

difficulty；　〃it　is　all　over　and　past。〃



〃It's　all　over　and　past；〃　I　answered。



There　was　a　little　pause。



〃I　don't　want　to　know；〃　she　said。　　〃None　of　that　seems　to　matter　now　

in　the　slightest　degree。〃



She　looked　up　and　smiled　as　though　we　had　exchanged　some　acceptable　

commonplaces。　　〃Poor　dear！〃　she　said；　dismissing　everything；　and　put　

out　her　arms；　and　it　seemed　to　me　that　I　could　hear　the　Lettish　girl　

in　the　backgrounddoomed　safety　valve　of　purity　in　this　intolerable　

worldtelling　something　in　indistinguishable　GermanI　know　not　

what　nor　why。　。　。　。



I　took　Margaret　in　my　arms　and　kissed　her。　　Her　eyes　were　wet　with　

tears。　　She　clung　to　me　and　was　near；　I　felt；　to　sobbing。



〃I　have　loved　you；〃　she　whispered　presently；　〃Oh！　ever　since　we　met　

in　Mistertonsix　years　and　more　ago。〃







CHAPTER　THE　THIRD



MARGARET　IN　VENICE







1





There　comes　into　my　mind　a　confused　memory　of　conversations　with　

Margaret；　we　must　have　had　dozens　altogether；　and　they　mix　in　now　

for　the　most　part　inextricably　not　only　with　one　another；　but　with　

later　talks　and　with　things　we　discussed　at　Pangbourne。　　We　had　the　

immensest　anticipations　of　the　years　and　opportunities　that　lay　

before　us。　　I　was　now　very　deeply　in　love　with　her　indeed。　　I　felt　

not　that　I　had　cleaned　up　my　life　but　that　she　had。　　We　called　each　

other　〃confederate〃　I　remember；　and　made　during　our　brief　engagement　

a　series　of　visits　to　the　various　legislative　bodies　in　London；　the　

County　Council；　the　House　of　Commons；　where　we　dined　with　Villiers；　

and　the　St。　Pancras　Vestry；　where　we　heard　Shaw　speaking。　　I　was　

full　of　plans　and　so　was　she　of　the　way　in　which　we　were　to　live　and　

work。　　We　were　to　pay　back　in　public　service　whatever　excess　of　

wealth　beyond　his　merits　old　Seddon's　economic　advantage　had　won　for　

him　from　the　toiling　people　in　the　potteries。　　The　end　of　the　Boer　

War　was　so　recent　that　that　blessed　word　〃efficiency〃　echoed　still　

in　people's　minds　and　thoughts。　　Lord　Roseberry　in　a　memorable　

oration　had　put　it　into　the　heads　of　the　big　outer　public；　but　the　

Baileys　with　a　certain　show　of　justice　claimed　to　have　set　it　going　

in　the　channels　that　took　it　to　himif　as　a　matter　of　fact　it　was　

taken　to　him。　　But　then　it　was　their　habit　to　make　claims　of　that　

sort。　　They　certainly　did　their　share　to　keep　〃efficient〃　going。　　

Altiora's　highest　praise　was　〃thoroughly　efficient。〃　　We　were　to　be　

a　〃thoroughly　efficient〃　political　couple　of　the　〃new　type。〃　　She　

explained　us　to　herself　and　Oscar；　she　explained　us　to　ourselves；　

she　explained　us　to　the　people　who　came　to　her　dinners　and　

afternoons　until　the　world　was　highly　charged　with　explanation　and　

expectation；　and　the　proposal　that　I　should　be　the　Liberal　candidate　

for　the　Kinghamstead　Division　seemed　the　most　natural　development　in　

the　world。



I　was　full　of　the　ideal　of　hard　restrained　living　and　relentless　

activity；　and　throughout　a　beautiful　November　at　Venice；　where　

chiefly　we　spent　our　honeymoon；　we　turned　over　and　over　again　and　

discussed　in　every　aspect　our　conception　of　a　life　tremendously　

focussed　upon　the　ideal　of　social　service。



Most　clearly　there　stands　out　a　picture　of　ourselves　talking　in　a　

gondola　on　our　way　to　Torcella。　　Far　away　behind　us　the　smoke　of　

Murano　forms　a　black　stain　upon　an　immense　shining　prospect　of　

smooth　water；　water　as　unruffled　and　luminous　as　the　sky　above；　a　

mirror　on　which　rows　of　posts　and　distant　black　high…stemmed；　swan…

necked　boats　with　their　minutely　clear　swinging　gondoliers；　float　

aerially。　　Remote　and　low　before　us　rises　the　little　tower　of　our　

destination。　　Our　men　swing　together　and　their　oars　swirl　leisurely　

through　the　water；　hump　back　in　the　rowlocks；　splash　sharply　and　go　

swishing　back　again。　　Margaret　lies　back　on　cushions；　with　her　face　

shaded　by　a　holland　parasol；　and　I　sit　up　beside　her。



〃You　see；〃　I　say；　and　in　spite　of　Margaret's　note　of　perfect　

acquiescence　I　feel　myself　reasoning　against　an　indefinable　

antagonism；　〃it　is　so　easy　to　fall　into　a　slack　way　with　life。　　

There　may　seem　to　be　something　priggish　in　a　meticulous　discipline；　

but　otherwise　it　is　so　easy　to　slip　into　indolent　habitsand　to　be　

distracted　from　one's　purpose。　　The　country；　the　world；　wants　men　to　

serve　its　constructive　needs；　to　work　out　and　carry　out　plans。　　For　

a　man　who　has　to　make　a　living　the　enemy　is　immediate　necessity；　for　

people　like　ourselves　it'sit's　the　constant　small　opportunity　of　

agreeable　things。〃



〃Frittering　away；〃　she　says；　〃time　and　strength。〃



〃That　is　what　I　feel。　　It's　so　pleasant　to　pretend　one　is　simply　

modest；　it　looks　so　foolish　at　times　to　take　one's　self　too　

seriously。　　We've　GOT　to　take　ourselves　seriously。〃



She　endorses　my　words　with　her　eyes。



〃I　feel　I　can　do　great　things　with　life。〃



〃I　KNOW　you　can。〃



〃But　that's　only　to　be　done　by　concentrating　one's　life　upon　one　

main　end。　　We　have　to　plan　our　days；　to　make　everything　subserve　our　

scheme。〃



〃I　feel；〃　she　answers　softly；　〃we　ought　to　giveevery　hour。〃



Her　face　becomes　dreamy。　　〃I　WANT　to　give　every　hour；〃　she　adds。







2





That　holiday　in　Venice　is　set　in　my　memory　like　a　little　artificial　

lake　in　uneven　confused　country；　as　something　very　bright　and　

skylike；　and　discontinuous　with　all　about　it。　　The　faded　quality　o