the new machiavelli-第42章

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again。　。　。　。



We　had　been　maintaining　an　armed　truce　with　each　other　since　my　

resolve　to　go　up　to　Cambridge；　and　now　we　had　out　all　that　had　

accumulated　between　us。　　There　had　been　stupendous　accumulations。　。　。　。



The　particular　things　we　said　and　did　in　that　bawlmg　encounter　

matter　nothing　at　all　in　this　story。　　I　can't　now　estimate　how　near　

we　came　to　fisticuffs。　　It　ended　with　my　saying；　after　a　pungent　

reminder　of　benefits　conferred　and　remembered；　that　I　didn't　want　to　

stay　another　hour　in　his　house。　　I　went　upstairs；　in　a　state　of　

puerile　fury；　to　pack　and　go　off　to　the　Railway　Hotel；　while　he；　

with　ironical　civility；　telephoned　for　a　cab。



〃Good　riddance！〃　shouted　my　uncle；　seeing　me　off　into　the　night。



On　the　face　of　it　our　row　was　preposterous；　but　the　underlying　

reality　of　our　quarrel　was　the　essential　antagonism；　it　seemed　to　

me；　in　all　human　affairs；　the　antagonism　between　ideas　and　the　

established　method；　that　is　to　say；　between　ideas　and　the　rule　of　

thumb。　　The　world　I　hate　is　the　rule…of…thumb　world；　the　thing　I　and　

my　kind　of　people　exist　for　primarily　is　to　battle　with　that；　to　

annoy　it；　disarrange　it；　reconstruct　it。　　We　question　everything；　

disturb　anything　that　cannot　give　a　clear　justification　to　our　

questioning；　because　we　believe　inherently　that　our　sense　of　

disorder　implies　the　possibility　of　a　better　order。　　Of　course　we　

are　detestable。　　My　uncle　was　of　that　other　vaster　mass　who　accept　

everything　for　the　thing　it　seems　to　be；　hate　enquiry　and　analysis　

as　a　tramp　hates　washing；　dread　and　resist　change；　oppose　

experiment；　despise　science。　　The　world　is　our　battleground；　and　all　

history；　all　literature　that　matters；　all　science；　deals　with　this　

conflict　of　the　thing　that　is　and　the　speculative　〃if〃　that　will　

destroy　it。



But　that　is　why　I　did　not　see　Margaret　Seddon　again　for　five　years。







CHAPTER　THE　SECOND



MARGARET　IN　LONDON







1





I　was　twenty…seven　when　I　met　Margaret　again；　and　the　intervening　

five　years　had　been　years　of　vigorous　activity　for　me；　if　not　of　

very　remarkable　growth。　　When　I　saw　her　again；　I　could　count　myself　

a　grown　man。　　I　think；　indeed；　I　counted　myself　more　completely　

grown　than　I　was。　　At　any　rate；　by　all　ordinary　standards；　I　had　

〃got　on〃　very　well；　and　my　ideas；　if　they　had　not　changed　very　

greatly；　had　become　much　more　definite　and　my　ambitions　clearer　and　

bolder。



I　had　long　since　abandoned　my　fellowship　and　come　to　London。　　I　had　

published　two　books　that　had　been　talked　about；　written　several　

articles；　and　established　a　regular　relationship　with　the　WEEKLY　

REVIEW　and　the　EVENING　GAZETTE。　　I　was　a　member　of　the　Eighty　Club　

and　learning　to　adapt　the　style　of　the　Cambridge　Union　to　larger　

uses。　　The　London　world　had　opened　out　to　me　very　readily。　　I　had　

developed　a　pleasant　variety　of　social　connections。　　I　had　made　the　

acquaintance　of　Mr。　Evesham；　who　had　been　attracted　by　my　NEW　RULER；　

and　who　talked　about　it　and　me；　and　so　did　a　very　great　deal　to　make　

a　way　for　me　into　the　company　of　prominent　and　amusing　people。　　I　

dined　out　quite　frequently。　　The　glitter　and　interest　of　good　London　

dinner　parties　became　a　common　experience。　　I　liked　the　sort　of　

conversation　one　got　at　them　extremely；　the　little　glow　of　duologues　

burning　up　into　more　general　discussions；　the　closing…in　of　the　men　

after　the　going　of　the　women；　the　sage；　substantial　masculine　

gossiping；　the　later　resumption　of　effective　talk　with　some　pleasant　

woman；　graciously　at　her　best。　　I　had　a　wide　range　of　houses；　

Cambridge　had　linked　me　to　one　or　two　correlated　sets　of　artistic　

and　literary　people；　and　my　books　and　Mr。　Evesham　and　opened　to　me　

the　big　vague　world　of　〃society。〃　　I　wasn't　aggressive　nor　

particularly　snobbish　nor　troublesome；　sometimes　I　talked　well；　and　

if　I　had　nothing　interesting　to　say　I　said　as　little　as　possible；　

and　I　had　a　youthful　gravity　of　manner　that　was　liked　by　hostesses。　　

And　the　other　side　of　my　nature　that　first　flared　through　the　cover　

of　restraints　at　Locarno；　that　too　had　had　opportunity　to　develop　

along　the　line　London　renders　practicable。　　I　had　had　my　experiences　

and　secrets　and　adventures　among　that　fringe　of　ill…mated　or　erratic　

or　discredited　women　the　London　world　possesses。　　The　thing　had　long　

ago　ceased　to　be　a　matter　of　magic　or　mystery；　and　had　become　a　

question　of　appetites　and　excitement；　and　among　other　things　the　

excitement　of　not　being　found　out。



I　write　rather　doubtfully　of　my　growing　during　this　period。　　Indeed　

I　find　it　hard　to　judge　whether　I　can　say　that　I　grew　at　all　in　any　

real　sense　of　the　word；　between　three　and　twenty　and　twenty…seven。　　

It　seems　to　me　now　to　have　been　rather　a　phase　of　realisation　and　

clarification。　　All　the　broad　lines　of　my　thought　were　laid　down；　I　

am　sure；　by　the　date　of　my　Locarno　adventure；　but　in　those　five　

years　I　discussed　things　over　and　over　again　with　myself　and　others；　

filled　out　with　concrete　fact　forms　I　had　at　first　apprehended　

sketchily　and　conversationally；　measured　my　powers　against　my　ideals　

and　the　forces　in　the　world　about　me。　　It　was　evident　that　many　men　

no　better　than　myself　and　with　no　greater　advantages　than　mine　had　

raised　themselves　to　influential　and　even　decisive　positions　in　the　

worlds　of　politics　and　thought。　　I　was　gathering　the　confidence　and　

knowledge　necessary　to　attack　the　world　in　the　large　manner；　I　found　

I　could　write；　and　that　people　would　let　me　write　if　I　chose；　as　one　

having　authority　and　not　as　the　scribes。　　Socially　and　politically　

and　intellectually　I　knew　myself　for　an　honest　man；　and　that　quite　

without　any　deliberation　on　my　part　this　showed　and　made　things　easy　

for　me。　　People　trusted　my　good　faith　from　the　beginningfor　all　

that　I　came　from　nowhere　and　had　no　better　position　than　any　

adventurer。



But　the　growth　process　was　arrested；　I　was　nothing　bigger　at　twenty…

seven　than　at　twenty…two；　however　much　saner　and　stronger；　and　any　

one　looking　closely　into　my　mind　during　that　period　might　well　have　

imagined　growth　finished　altogether。　　It　is　particularly　evident　to　

me　now　that　I　came　no　nearer　to　any　understanding　of　women　during　

that　time。　　That　Locarno　affair　was　infinitely　more　to　me　than　I　had　

supposed。　　It　ended　somethingnipped　something　in　the　bud　perhaps

took　me　at　a　stride　from　a　vague；　fine；　ignorant；　closed　world　of　

emotion　to　intrigue　and　a　perfectly　definite　and　limited　sensuality。　　

It　ended　my　youth；　and　for　a　time　it　prevented　my　manhood。　　I　had　

never　yet　even　peeped　at　the　sweetest；　profoundest　thing　in　the　

world；　the　heart　and　meaning　of　a　girl；　or　dreamt　with　any　quality　

of　reality　of　a　wife　or　any　such　thing　as　a　friend　among　womanhood。　　

My　vague　anticipation　of　such　things　in　life　had　vanished　

altogether。　　I　turned　away　from　their　possibility。　　It　seemed　to　me　

I　knew　what　had　to　be　known　about　womankind。　　I　wanted　to　work　hard；　

to　get　on　to　a　position　in　which　I　could　develop　and　forward　my　

constructive　projects。　　Women；　I　thought；　had　nothing　to　do　with　

that。　　It　seemed　clear　I　could　not　marry　for　some　years；　I　was　

attractive　to　certain　types　of　women；　I　had　vanity　enough　to　give　me　

an　agreeable　confidence　in　love…making；　and　I　went　about　seeking　a　

convenient　mistress　quite　deliberately；　some　one　who　should　serve　my　

purpose　and　say　in　the　end；　like　that　kindly　first　mistress　of　mine；　

〃I've　done　you　no　harm；〃　and　so　release　me。　　It　seemed　the　only　wise　

way　of　disposing　of　urgencies　that　might　otherwise　entangle　and　

wreck　the　career　I　was　intent　upon。



I　don't　apologise　for；　or　defend　my　mental　and　moral　phases。　　So　it　

was　I　appraised　life　and　prepared　to　take　it；　and　so　it　is　a　

thousand　ambitious　men　see　it　to…day。　。　。　。



For　the　rest　these　five　years　were　a　period　of　definition。　　My　

political　conceptions　were　perfectly　plain　and　honest。　　I　had　one　

c