the dwelling place of ligh-第90章
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one evening in the hope of meeting her。 He hurried toward it now； his
glance strained ahead to catch sight of her figure under a lamp。 But he
reached Fillmore Street without overtaking her； and in the rain he stood
gazing at the mean houses there； wondering in which of them she lived；
and whether she had as yet come home。。。。
After leaving Ditmar Janet； probably from force of habit； had indeed gone
through West Street； and after that she walked on aimlessly。 It was
better to walk than to sit alone in torment； to be gnawed by that Thing
from which she had so desperately attempted to escape； and failed。 She
tried to think why she had failed。。。。 Though the rain fell on her
cheeks； her mouth was parched； and this dryness of her palate； this
physical sense of lightness； almost of dizziness； were intimately yet
incomprehensibly part and parcel of the fantastic moods into which she
floated。 It was as though； in trying to solve a problem； she caught
herself from time to time falling off to sleep。 In her waking moments
she was terror…stricken。 Scarce an hour had passed since； in a terrible
exaltation at having found a solution； she had gone to Ditmar's office in
the mill。 What had happened to stay her？ It was when she tried to find
the cause of the weakness that so abruptly had overtaken her； or to cast
about for a plan to fit the new predicament to which her failure had
sentenced her； that the fantasies intruded。 She heard Ditmar speaking；
the arguments were curiously familiarbut they were not Ditmar's！ They
were her father's； and now it was Edward's voice to which she listened；
he was telling her how eminently proper it was that she should marry
Ditmar； because of her Bumpus blood。 And this made her laugh。。。。 Again；
Ditmar was kissing her hair。 He had often praised it。 She had taken it
down and combed it out for him； it was like a cloud； he saidso fine；
its odour made him faintand then the odour changed； became that of the
detested perfume of Miss Lottie Myers！ Even that made Janet smile！ But
Ditmar was strong； he was powerful； he was a Fact； why not go back to him
and let him absorb and destroy her？ That annihilation would be joy。。。。
It could not have been much later than seven o'clock when she found
herself opposite the familiar； mulberry…shingled Protestant church。 The
light from its vestibule made a gleaming square on the wet sidewalk； and
into this area； from the surrounding darkness； came silhouetted figures
of men and women holding up umbrellas； some paused for a moment's chat；
their voices subdued by an awareness of the tabernacle。 At the sight of
this tiny congregation something stirred within her。 She experienced a
twinge of surprise at the discovery that other people in the world； in
Hampton； were still leading tranquil； untormented existences。 They were
contented； prosperous； stupid； beyond any need of help from God； and yet
they were going to prayer…meeting to ask something！ He refused to find
her in the dark streets。 Would she find Him if she went in there？ and
would He help her？
The bell in the tower began to clang； with heavy； relentless strokes
like physical blows from which she flinchedeach stirring her reluctant；
drowsy soul to a quicker agony。 From the outer blackness through which
she fled she gazed into bright rooms of homes whose blinds were left
undrawn； as though to taunt and mock the wanderer。 She was an outcast！
Who henceforth would receive her save those； unconformed and
unconformable； sentenced to sin in this realm of blackness？ Henceforth
from all warmth and love she was banished。。。。 In the middle of the
Stanley Street bridge she stopped to lean against the wet rail； the mill
lights were scattered； dancing points of fire over the invisible swift
waters； and she raised her eyes presently to the lights themselves；
seeking one unconsciouslyDitmar's！ Yes； it was his she sought； though
it was so distant； sometimes it seemed to burn like a red star； and then
to flicker and disappear。 She could not be sure。。。。 Something chill and
steely was in the pocket of her coatit made a heavy splash in the water
when she dropped it。 The river could not be so very cold！ She wished
she could go down like that into forgetfulness。 But she couldn't。。。。
Where was Lise now？。。。 It would be so easy just to drop over that
parapet and be whirled away； and down and down。 Why couldn't she？ Well；
it was becausebecauseshe was going to have a child。 Well； if she had
a child to take care of； she would not be so lonelyshe would have
something to love。 She loved it now； as though she felt it quickening
within her； she wanted it； to lavish on it all of a starved affection。
She seemed actually to feel in her arms its soft little body pressed
against her。 Claude Ditmar's child！ And she suddenly recalled； as an
incident of the remote past； that she had told him she wanted it！
This tense craving for it she felt now was somehow the answer to an
expressed wish which had astonished her。 Perhaps that was the reason why
she had failed to do what she had tried to do； to shoot Ditmar and
herself！ It was Ditmar's child； Ditmar's and hers！ He had loved her；
long ago； and just nowwas it just now？he had said he loved her still；
he had wanted to marry her。 Then why had she run away from him？ Why had
she taken the child into outer darkness； to be born without a father；
when she loved Ditmar？ Wasn't that one reason why she wanted the child？
why； even in her moments of passionate hatred she recalled having been
surprised by some such yearning as now came over her？ And for an
interval； a brief interval； she viewed him with startling clarity。 Not
because he embodied any ideal did she love him； but because he was what
he was； because he had overcome her will； dominated and possessed her；
left his mark upon her indelibly。 He had been cruel to her； willing to
sacrifice her to his way of life； to his own desires； but he loved her；
for she had seen； if not heeded in his eyes the look that a woman never
mistakes！ She remembered it now； and the light in his window glowed
again； like a star to guide her back to him。 It was drawing her；
irresistibly。。。。
The sentry recognized her as she came along the canal。
〃Mr。 Ditmar's gone；〃 he told her。
〃Gone！〃 she repeated。 〃Gone！〃
〃Why； yes； about five minutes after you left he was looking for youhe
asked the sergeant about you。〃
〃Andhe won't be back？〃
〃I guess not；〃 answered the man； sympathetically。 〃He said good…night。〃
She turned away dully。 The strength and hope with which she had been so
unexpectedly infused while gazing from the bridge at his window had
suddenly ebbed； her legs ached； her feet were wet； and she shivered；
though her forehead burned。 The world became distorted； people flitted
past her like weird figures of a dream； the myriad lights of Faber Street
were blurred and whirled in company with the electric signs。 Seeking to
escape from their confusion she entered a side street leading north； only
to be forcibly seized by some one who darted after her from the sidewalk。
〃Excuse me； but you didn't see that automobile；〃 he said； as he released
her。
Shaken； she went on through several streets to find herself at length
confronted by a pair of shabby doors that looked familiar； and pushing
one of them open； baited at the bottom of a stairway to listen。 The
sound of cheerful voices camp to her from above； she started to climb
even with the help of the rail it seemed as if she would never reach the
top of that stairway。 But at last she stood in a loft where long tables
were set； and at the end of one of these； sorting out spoons and dishes；
three women and a man were chatting and laughing together。 Janet was
troubled because she could not remember who the man was； although she
recognized his bold profile； his voice and gestures。。。。 At length one of
the women said something in a low tone； and he looked around quickly and
crossed the room。
〃Why； it's you！〃 he said； and suddenly she recalled his name。
〃Mr。 Insall！〃
But his swift glance had noticed the expression in her eyes； the sagged
condition of her clothes； the attitude
