the dwelling place of ligh-第89章
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〃Oh； do you think I believe that？〃 she exclaimed。
〃I swear itI'll prove it！〃 he protested。 Still under the influence of
an acute anxiety； he was finding it difficult to gather his wits； to
present his case。 〃When you left me that day the strike beganwhen you
left me without giving me a chanceyou'll never know how that hurt me。〃
〃You'll never know how it hurt me！〃 she interrupted。
〃Then why； in God's name； did you do it？ I wasn't myself； then； you
ought to have seen that。 And when I heard from Caldwell here that you'd
joined those anarchists〃
〃They're no worse than you arethey only want what you've got；〃 she
said。
He waved this aside。 〃I couldn't believe itI wouldn't believe it until
somebody saw you walking with one of them to their Headquarters。 Why did
you do it？〃
〃Because I know how they feel； I sympathize with the strikers； I want
them to winagainst you！〃 She lifted her head and looked at him； and in
spite of the state of his feelings he felt a twinge of admiration at her
defiance。
〃Because you love me！〃 he said。
〃Because I hate you；〃 she answered。
And yet a spark of exultation leaped within him at the thought that love
had caused this apostasy。 He had had that suspicion before； though it
was a poor consolation when he could not reach her。 Now she had made it
vivid。 A woman's logic； or lack of logicher logic。
〃Listen！〃 he pleaded。 〃I tried to forget youI tried to keep myself
going all the time that I mightn't think of you； but I couldn't help
thinking of you； wanting you； longing for you。 I never knew why you left
me； except that you seemed to believe I was unkind to you； and that
something had happened。 It wasn't my fault〃 he pulled himself up
abruptly。
〃I found out what men were like；〃 she said。 〃A man made my sister a
woman of the streetsthat's what you've done to me。〃
He winced。 And the calmness she had regained； which was so
characteristic of her； struck him with a new fear。
〃I'm not that kind of a man；〃 he said。
But she did not answer。 His predicament became more trying。
〃I'll take care of you；〃 he assured her； after a moment。 〃If you'll only
trust me； if you'll only come to me I'll see that no harm comes to you。〃
She regarded him with a sort of wondera look that put a fine edge of
dignity and scorn to her words when they came。
〃I told you I didn't want to be taken care ofI wanted to kill you； and
kill myself。 I don't know why I can't what prevents me。〃 She rose。
〃But I'm not going to trouble you any moreyou'll never hear of me
again。〃
She would not trouble him； she was going away； he would never hear of her
again！ Suddenly； with the surge of relief he experienced； came a pang。
He could not let her goit was impossible。 It seemed that he had never
understood his need of her； his love for her； until now that he had
brought her to this supreme test of self…revelation。 She had wanted to
kill him； yes； to kill herselfbut how could he ever have believed that
she would stoop to another method of retaliation？ As she stood before
him the light in her eyes still wet with tearstransfigured her。
〃I love you； Janet；〃 he said。 〃I want you to marry me。〃
〃You don't understand；〃 she answered。 〃You never did。 If I had married
you； I'd feel just the samebut it isn't really as bad as if we had been
married。〃
〃Not as bad！〃 he exclaimed。
〃If we were married； you'd think you had rights over me；〃 she explained；
slowly。 〃Now you haven't any； I can go away。 I couldn't live with you。
I know what happened to me； I've thought it all out； I wanted to get away
from the life I was leadingI hated it so； I was crazy to have a chance；
to see the world； to get nearer some of the beautiful things I knew were
there； but couldn't reach。。。。 And you came along。 I did love you； I
would have done anything for youit was only when I saw that you didn't
really love me that I began to hate you； that I wanted to get away from
you； when I saw that you only wanted me until you should get tired of me。
That's your nature； you can't help it。 And it would have been the same
if we were married； only worse； I couldn't have stood it any more than I
can nowI'd have left you。 You say you'll marry me now； but that's
because you're sorry for mesince I've said I'm not going to trouble you
any more。 You'll be glad I've gone。 You maywant me now； but that
isn't love。 When you say you love me； I can't believe you。〃
〃You must believe me！ And the child； Janet；our child〃
〃If the world was right；〃 she said； 〃I could have this child and nobody
would say anything。 I could support itI guess I can anyway。 And when
I'm not half crazy I want it。 Maybe that's the reason I couldn't do what
I tried to do just now。 It's natural for a woman to want a child
especially a woman like me； who hasn't anybody or anything。〃
Ditmar's state of mind was too complicated to be wholly described。 As
the fact had been gradually brought home to him that she had not come as
a supplicant； that even in her misery she was free； and he helpless；
there revived in him wild memories of her body； of the kisses he had
wrung from herand yet this physical desire was accompanied by a
realization of her personality never before achieved。 And because he had
hitherto failed to achieve it； she had escaped him。 This belated；
surpassing glimpse of what she essentially was； and the thought of the
child their childpermeating his passion； transformed it into a feeling
hitherto unexperienced and unimagined。 He hovered over her； pitifully；
his hands feeling for her； yet not daring to touch her。
〃Can't you see that I love you？〃 he cried； 〃that I'm ready to marry you
now； to…night。 You must love me； I won't believe that you don't after
after all we have been to each other。〃
But even then she could not believe。 Something in her； made hard by the
intensity of her suffering； refused to melt。 And her head was throbbing；
and she scarcely heard him。
〃I can't stay any longer；〃 she said； getting to her feet。 〃I can't bear
it。〃
〃Janet； I swear I'll care for you as no woman was ever cared for。 For
God's sake listen to me； give me a chance； forgive me！〃 He seized her
arm； she struggled； gently but persistently； to free herself from his
hold。
〃Let me go； please。〃 All the passionate anger had gone out of her； and
she spoke in a monotone； as one under hypnosis； dominated by a resolution
which； for the present at least； he was powerless to shake。
〃But to…morrow？〃 he pleaded。 〃You'll let me see you to…morrow； when
you've had time to think it over； when you realize that I love you and
want you； that I haven't meant to be cruelthat you've misjudged me
thought I was a different kind of a man。 I don't blame you for that； I
guess something happened to make you believe it。 I've got enemies。 For
the sake of the child； Janet； if for nothing else； you'll come back to
me！ You'reyou're tired tonight； you're not yourself。 I don't wonder；
after all you've been through。 If you'd only come to me before！ God
knows what I've suffered； too！〃
〃Let me go； please；〃 she repeated； and this time； despairingly； he obeyed
her； a conviction of her incommuy nica；bility overwhelming him。 He
turned and； fumbling with the key； unlocked the door and opened it。
〃I'll see you to…morrow；〃 he faltered once more； and watched her as she
went through the darkened outer room until she gained the lighted hallway
beyond and disappeared。 Her footsteps died away into silence。 He was
trembling。 For several minutes he stood where she had left him； tortured
by a sense of his inability to act； to cope with this； the great crisis
of his life； when suddenly the real significance of that strange last
look in her eyes was borne home to him。 And he had allowed her to go out
into the streets alone！ Seizing his hat and coat； he fairly ran out of
the office and down the stairs and across the bridge。
〃Which way did that young lady go？〃 he demanders of the sergeant。
〃Whyug West Street； Mr。 Ditmar。〃
He remembered where Filhnore Street was； he had； indeed； sought it out
one evening in the hope of meeting her。 He hurried toward it now； his
glance strained ahe
