the dwelling place of ligh-第49章
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Constantly he tried by leaning closer to her； by reaching out his hand；
to reassure himself that she was at least physically present。 And though
she did not resent these tokens； submitting passively； he grew perplexed
and troubled； his optimistic atheism concerning things unseen was
actually shaken by the impression she conveyed of beholding realities
hidden from him。 Shadows had begun to gather in the forest； filmy mists
to creep over the waters。 He asked if she were cold； and she shook her
head and sighed as one coming out of a trance； smiling at him。
〃It's been a wonderful day！〃 she said。
〃The greatest ever！〃 he agreed。 And his ardour； mounting again； swept
away the unwonted mood of tenderness and awe she had inspired in him；
made him bold to suggest the plan which had been the subject of an
ecstatic contemplation。
〃I'll tell you what we'll do；〃 he said； 〃we'll take a little run down to
Boston and have dinner together。 We'll be there in an hour； and back by
ten o'clock。〃
〃To Boston！〃 she repeated。 〃Now？〃
〃Why not？〃 he said； stopping the car。 〃Here's the roadit's a boulevard
all the way。〃
It was not so much the proposal as the passion in his voice； in his
touch； the passion to which she felt herself responding that filled her
with apprehension and dismay； and yet aroused her pride and anger。
〃I told you I had to be home；〃 she said。
〃I'll have you home by ten o'clock； I promise。 We're going to be
married； Janet；〃 he whispered。
〃Oh； if you meant to marry me you wouldn't ask me to do this！〃 she cried。
〃I want to go back to Hampton。 If you won't take me； I'll walk。〃
She had drawn away from him； and her hand was on the door。 He seized her
arm。
〃For God's sake； don't take it that way！〃 he cried； in genuine alarm。
〃All I meant wasthat we'd have a nice little dinner。 I couldn't bear
to leave you； it'll be a whole week before we get another day。 Do you
suppose I'dI'd do anything to insult you； Janet？〃
With her fingers still tightened over the door…catch she turned and
looked at him。
〃I don't know；〃 she said slowly。 〃Sometimes I think you would。 Why
shouldn't you？ Why should you marry me？ Why shouldn't you try to do
with me what you've done with other women？ I don't know anything about
the world； about life。 I'm nobody。 Why shouldn't you？〃
〃Because you're not like the other womenthat's why。 I love youwon't
you believe it？〃 He was beside himself with anxiety。 〃ListenI'll take
you home if you want to go。 You don't know how it hurts me to have you
think such things！〃
〃Well； then； take me home；〃 she said。 It was but gradually that she
became pacified。 A struggle was going on within her between these doubts
of him he had stirred up again and other feelings aroused by his
pleadings。 Night fell； and when they reached the Silliston road the
lights of Hampton shone below them in the darkness。
〃You'd better let me out here；〃 she said。 〃You can't drive me home。〃
He brought the car to a halt beside one of the small wooden shelters
built for the convenience of passengers。
〃You forgive meyou understand； Janet？〃 he asked。
〃Sometimes I don't know what to think；〃 she said； and suddenly clung to
him。 〃II forgive you。 I oughtn't to suspect such things； but I'm like
that。 I'm horrid and I can't help it。〃 She began to unbutton the coat
he had bought for her。
〃Aren't you going to take it？〃 he said。 〃It's yours。〃
〃And what do you suppose my family would say if I told them Mr。 Ditmar
had given it to me？〃
〃Come on； I'll drive you home； I'll tell them I gave it to you； that
we're going to be married；〃 he announced recklessly。
〃Oh； no！〃 she exclaimed in consternation。 〃You couldn't。 You said so
yourselfthat you didn't want； any one to know； now。 I'll get on the
trolley。〃
〃And the roses？〃 he asked。
She pressed them to her face； and chose one。 〃I'll take this；〃 she said；
laying the rest on the seat。。。。
He waited until he saw her safely on the trolley car； and then drove
slowly homeward in a state of amazement。 He had been on the verge of
announcing himself to the family in Fillmore Street as her prospective
husband！ He tried to imagine what that household was like； and again he
found himself wondering why she had not consented to his proposal。 And
the ever…recurring question presented itselfwas he prepared to go that
length？ He didn't know。 She was beyond him； he had no clew to her； she
was to him as mysterious as a symphony。 Certain strains of her moved him
intenselythe rest was beyond his grasp。。。。 At supper； while his
children talked and laughed boisterously； he sat silent； restless； and in
spite of their presence the house seemed appallingly empty。
When Janet returned home she ran to her bedroom； and taking from the
wardrobe the tissue paper that had come with her new dress； and which she
had carefully folded； she wrapped the rose in it； and put it away in the
back of a drawer。 Thus smothered； its fragrance stifled； it seemed
emblematic； somehow； of the clandestine nature of her love。。。。
The weeks that immediately followed were strange ones。 All the elements
of life that previously had been realities； trivial yet fundamental； her
work； her home； her intercourse with the family； became fantastic。 There
was the mill to which she went every day： she recognized it； yet it was
not the same mill； nor was Fillmore Street the Fillmore Street of old。
Nor did the new and feverish existence over whose borderland she had been
transported seem real； save in certain hours she spent in Ditmar's
company； when he made her forgethers being a temperament to feel the
weight of an unnatural secrecy。 She was aware； for instance； that her
mother and even her father thought her conduct odd； were anxious as to
her absences on certain nights and on Sundays。 She offered no
explanation。 It was impossible。 She understood that the reason why they
refrained from questioning her was due to a faith in her integrity as
well as to a respect for her as a breadwinner who lead earned a right to
independence。 And while her suspicion of Hannah's anxiety troubled her；
on the occasions when she thought of it； Lise's attitude disturbed her
even more。 From Lise she had been prepared for suspicion； arraignment；
ridicule。 What a vindication if it were disclosed that she； Janet； had a
loverand that lover Ditmar！ But Lise said nothing。 She was remote；
self…absorbed。 Hannah spoke about it on the evenings Janet stayed at
home。
She would not consent to meet Ditmar every evening。 Yet； as the days
succeeded one another； Janet was often astonished by the fact that their
love remained apparently unsuspected by Mr。 Price and Caldwell and others
in the office。 They must have noticed； on some occasions； the manner in
which Ditmar looked at her； and in business hours she had continually to
caution him； to keep him in check。 Again； on the evening excursions to
which she consented； though they were careful to meet in unfrequented
spots； someone might easily have recognized him； and she did not like to
ponder over the number of young women in the other offices who knew her
by sight。 These reflections weighed upon her； particularly when she
seemed conscious of curious glances。 But what caused her the most
concern was the constantly recurring pressure to which Ditmar himself
subjected her； and which； as time went on； she found increasingly
difficult to resist。 He tried to take her by storm； and when this method
failed； resorted to pleadings and supplications even harder to deny
because of the innate feminine pity she felt for him。 To recount these
affairs would be a mere repetition of identical occurrences。 On their
second Sunday excursion he had actually driven her； despite her
opposition； several miles on the Boston road； and her resistance only
served to inflame him the more。 It seemed； afterwards； as she sat
unnerved； a miracle that she had stopped him。 Then came reproaches： she
would not trust him； they could not be married at once； she must
understand that！an argument so repugnant as to cause her to shake with
sobs of inarticulate anger。 After this he would grow bewildered； the
