the dwelling place of ligh-第44章
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Both men turned and looked at him in some surprise。
〃Good…morning； Mr。 Ditmar；〃 Caldwell said。 〃Why； yes； she's in your
room。〃
〃Oh！〃 said Ditmar。
〃The Boston office has just been calling youthey want to know if you
can't take the nine twenty…two；〃 Caldwell went on。 〃It's about that
lawsuit。 It comes into court Monday morning； and Mr。 Sprole is there；
and they say they have to see you。 Miss Bumpus has the memorandum。〃
Ditmar looked at his watch。
〃Damn it； why didn't they let me know yesterday？〃 he exclaimed。 〃I won't
see anybody； Caldwellnot even Orcuttjust now。 You understand。 I've
got to have a little time to do some letters。 I won't be disturbedby
any onefor half an hour。〃
Caldwell nodded。
〃All right； Mr。 Ditmar。〃
Ditmar went into his office； closing the door behind him。 She was
occupied as usual； cutting open the letters and laying them in a pile
with the deftness and rapidity that characterized all she did。
〃Janet！〃 he exclaimed。
〃There's a message for you from Boston。 I've made a note of it；〃 she
replied。
〃I knowCaldwell told me。 But I wanted to see you before I wentI had
to see you。 I sat up half the night thinking of you； I woke up thinking
of you。 Aren't you glad to see me？〃
She dropped the letter opener and stood silent； motionless； awaiting his
approacha pose so eloquent of the sense of fatality strong in her as to
strike him with apprehension； unused though he was to the appraisal of
inner values。 He read； darkly； something of this mystery in her eyes as
they were slowly raised to his； he felt afraid； he was swept again by
those unwonted emotions of pity and tendernessbut when she turned away
her head and he saw the bright spot of colour growing in her cheek；
spreading to her temple； suffusing her throat； when he touched the soft
contour of her arm； his passion conquered。。。。 Still he was acutely
conscious of a resistance within hernot as before； physically directed
against him； but repudiating her own desire。 She became limp in his
arms； though making no attempt to escape； and he knew that the essential
self of her he craved still evaded and defied him。 And he clung to her
the more desperatelyas though by crushing her peradventure he might
capture it。
〃You're hurting me；〃 she said at last； and he let her go； standing by
helplessly while she went through the movements of readjustment
instinctive to women。 Even in these he read the existence of the
reservation he was loth to acknowledge。
〃Don't you love me？〃 he said。
〃I don't know。〃
〃You do！〃 he said。 〃Youyou proved itI know it。〃
She went a little away from him； picking up the paper cutter； but it lay
idle in her hand。
〃For God's sake； tell me what's the matter！〃 he exclaimed。 〃I can't
stand this。 Janet； aren't you happy？〃
She shook her head。
〃Why not？ I love you。 II've never been so happy in my life as I was
this morning。 Why aren't you happywhen we love each other？〃
〃Because I'm not。〃
〃Why not？ There's nothing I wouldn't do to make you happyyou know
that。 Tell me！〃
〃You wouldn't understand。 I couldn't make you understand。〃
〃Is it something I've done？〃
〃You don't love me；〃 she said。 〃You only want me。 I'm not made that
way； I'm not generous enough； I guess。 I've got to have work to do。〃
〃Work to do！ But you'll share my workit's nothing without you。〃
She shook her head。 〃I knew you couldn't understand。 You don't realize
how impossible it is。 I don't blame youI suppose a man can't。〃
She was not upbraiding him； she spoke quietly； in a tone almost lifeless；
yet the emotional effect of it was tremendous。
〃But；〃 he began； and stopped； and was swept on again by an impulse that
drowned all caution； all reason。 〃But you can help mewhen we are
married。〃
〃Married！〃 she repeated。 〃You want to marry me？〃
〃Yes； yesI need you。〃 He took her hands； he felt them tremble in his；
her breath came quickly； but her gaze was so intent as seemingly to
penetrate to the depths of him。 And despite his man's amazement at her
hesitation now that he had offered her his all； he was moved； disturbed；
ashamed as he had never been in his life。 At length； when he could stand
no longer the suspense of this inquisition； he stammered out： 〃I want you
to be my wife。〃
〃You've wanted to marry me all along？〃 she asked。
〃I didn't think； Janet。 I was mad about you。 I didn't know you。〃
〃Do you know me now？〃
〃That's just it；〃 he cried； with a flash of clairvoyance； 〃I never will
know youit's what makes you different from any woman I've ever seen。
You'll marry me？〃
〃I'm afraid；〃 she said。 〃Oh； I've thought over it； and you haven't。 A
woman has to think； a man doesn't； so much。 And now you're willing to
marry me； if you can't get me any other way。〃 Her hand touched his coat；
checking his protest。 〃It isn't that I want marriagewhat you can give
meI'm not like that； I've told you so before。 But I couldn't live as
yourmistress。〃
The word on her lips shocked him a littlebut her courage and candour
thrilled him。
〃If I stayed here； it would be found out。 I wouldn't let you keep me。
I'd have to have work； you see； or I'd lose my self…respectit's all
I've gotI'd kill myself。〃 She spoke as calmly as though she were
reviewing the situation objectively。 〃And then； I've thought that you
might come to believe you really wanted to marry meyou wouldn't realize
what you were doing； or what might happen if we were married。 I've tried
to tell you that； too； only you didn't seem to understand what I was
saying。 My father's only a gatekeeper； we're poorpoorer than some of
the operatives in the mill； and the people you know here in Hampton
wouldn't understand。 Perhaps you think you wouldn't care； but〃 she
spoke with more effort； 〃there are your children。 When I've thought of
them； it all seems impossible。 I'd make you unhappyI couldn't bear it；
I wouldn't stay with you。 You see； I ought to have gone away long ago。〃
Believing； as he did； that marriage was the goal of all women； even of
the best； the immediate capitulation he had expected would have made
matters far less difficult。 But these scruples of hers； so startlingly
his own； her disquieting insight into his entire mental process had a
momentary checking effect； summoned up the vague presage of a future that
might become extremely troublesome and complicated。 His very reluctance
to discuss with her the problem she had raised warned him that he had
been swept into deep waters。 On the other hand； her splendid resistance
appealed to him； enhanced her value。 And accustomed as he had been to a
lifelong self…gratification； the thought of being balked in this supreme
desire was not to be borne。 Such were the shades of his feeling as he
listened to her。
〃That's nonsense！〃 he exclaimed； when she had finished。 〃You're a lady
I know all about your family； I remember hearing about it when your
father came hereit's as good as any in New England。 What do you
suppose I care； Janet？ We love each otherI've got to have you。 We'll
be married in the spring； when the rush is over。〃
He drew her to him once more； and suddenly； in the ardour of that
embrace； he felt her tenseness suddenly relaxas though； against her
willand her passion； as she gave her lips； vied with his own。 Her
lithe body trembled convulsively； her cheeks were wet as she clung to him
and hid her face in his shoulder。 His sensations in the presence of this
thing he had summoned up in her were incomprehensible； surpassing any he
had ever known。 It was no longer a woman he held in his arms； the woman
he craved； but something greater； more fearful； the mystery of sorrow and
suffering； of creation and lifeof the universe itself。
〃Janetaren't you happy？〃 he said again。
She released herself and smiled at him wistfully through her tears。
〃I don't know。 What I feel doesn't seem like happiness。 I can't believe
in it； somehow。〃
〃You must believe in it；〃 he said。
〃I can't；perhaps I may； later。 You'd better go now；〃 she begged。
〃You'll miss your train。〃
He glanced at the office clock。 〃Confound it； I have to。 Listen！ I'll
be back this evening； and I'll get
