the dwelling place of ligh-第43章

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despair；　the　sop　flung　by　a　sensuous　artist　to　Christian　orthodoxy。　　He
had　been　sceptical　about　despairfeminine　despair；　which　could　always　be
cured　by　gifts　and　baubles。　　But　to…night；　as　he　raised　his　eyes；　he　felt
a　queer　sensation　marring　the　ecstatic　perfection　of　his　mood。　　That
quality　in　the　picture　which　so　long　had　satisfied　and　entranced　him　had
now　become　repellent；　an　ugly　significant　reflection　of　something
something　in　himself　he　was　suddenly　eager　to　repudiate　and　deny。
It　was　with　a　certain　amazement　that　he　found　himself　on　his　feet　with
the　picture　in　his　hand；　gazing　at　the　empty　space　where　it　had　hung。
For　he　had　had　no　apparent　intention　of　obeying　that　impulse。　　What
should　he　do　with　it？　　Light　the　fire　and　burn　itframe　and　all？　　The
frame　was　an　integral　part　of　it。　　What　would　his　housekeeper　say？　　But
now　that　he　had　actually　removed　it　from　the　wall　he　could　not　replace
it；　so　he　opened　the　closet　door　and　thrust　it　into　a　corner　among　relics
which　had　found　refuge　there。　　He　had　put　his　past　in　the　closet；　yet　the
relief　he　felt　was　mingled　with　the　peculiar　qualm　that　follows　the
discovery　of　symptoms　never　before　remarked。　　Why　should　this　woman　have
this　extraordinary　effect　of　making　him　dissatisfied　with　himself？　　He
sat　down　again　and　tried　to　review　the　affair　from　that　first　day　when　he
had　surprised　in　her　eyes　the　flame　dwelling　in　her。　　She　had　completely
upset　his　life；　increasingly　distracted　his　mind　until　now　he　could
imagine　no　peace　unless　he　possessed　her。　　Hitherto　he　had　recognized　in
his　feeling　for　her　nothing　but　that　same　desire　he　had　had　for　other
women；　intensified　to　a　degree　never　before　experienced。　　But　this　sudden
access　of　moralityhe　did　not　actually　define　it　as　suchwas
disquieting。　　And　in　the　feverish；　semi…objective　survey　he　was　now
making　of　his　emotional　tract　he　was　discovering　the　presence　of　other
disturbing　symptoms　such　as　an　unwonted　tenderness；　a　consideration
almost　amounting　to　pity　which　at　times　he　had　vaguely　sensed　yet　never
sought　imaginatively　to　grasp。　　It　bewildered　him　by　hampering　a
ruthlessness　hitherto　absolute。　　The　fierceness　of　her　inflamed　his
passion；　yet　he　recognized　dimly　behind　this　fierceness　an　instinct　of
selfprotectionand　he　thought　of　her　in　this　moment　as　a　struggling　bird
that　fluttered　out　of　his　hands　when　they　were　ready　to　close　over　her。
So　it　had　been　to…night。　　He　might　have　kept　her；　prevented　her　from
taking　the　car。　　Yet　he　had　let　her　go！　　There　came　again；　utterly　to
blot　this　out；　the　memory　of　her　lips。

Even　then；　there　had　been　something　sorrowful　in　that　kiss；　a　quality　he
resented　as　troubling；　a　flavour　that　came　to　him　after　the　wildness　was
spent。　　What　was　she　struggling　against？　　What　was　behind　her　resistance？
She　loved　him！　　It　had　never　before　occurred　to　him　to　enter　into　the
nature　of　her　feelings；　having　been　so　preoccupied　with　and　tortured　by
his　own。　　This　realization；　that　she　loved　him；　as　it　persisted；　began　to
make　him　uneasy；　though　it　should；　according　to　all　experience；　have　been
a　reason　for　sheer　exultation。　　He　began　to　see　that　with　her　it　involved
complications；　responsibilities；　disclosures；　perhaps　all　of　those　things
he　had　formerly　avoided　and　resented　in　woman。　　He　thought　of　certain
friends　of　his　who　had　become　tangled　upof　one　in　particular　whose　bank
account　had　been　powerless　to　extricate　him。。。。　　And　he　was　ashamed　of
himself。

In　view　of　the　nature　of　his　sex　experience；　of　his　habit　of　applying　his
imagination　solely　to　matters　of　business　rather　than　to　affairs　of　the
heart；if　his　previous　episodes　may　be　so　designated；his　failure　to
surmise　that　a　wish　for　marriage　might　be　at　the　back　of　her　resistance
is　not　so　surprising　as　it　may　seem；　he　laid　down；　half　smoked；　his　third
cigar。　　The　suspicion　followed　swiftly　on　his　recalling　to　mind　her
vehement　repudiation　of　his　proffered　gifts　did　he　think　she　wanted　what
he　could　buy　for　her！　　She　was　not　purchasablethat　way。　　He　ought　to
have　known　it；　he　hadn't　realized　what　he　was　saying。　　But　marriage！
Literally　it　had　never　occurred　to　him　to　image　her　in　a　relation　he
himself　associated　with　shackles。　　One　of　the　unconscious　causes　of　his
fascination　was　just　her　emancipation　from　and　innocence　of　that　herd…
convention　to　which　most　womeneven　those　who　lack　wedding　ringsare
slaves。　　The　force　of　such　an　appeal　to　a　man　of　Ditmar's　type　must　not
be　underestimated。　　And　the　idea　that　she；　too；　might　prefer　the　sanction
of　the　law；　the　gilded　cage　as　a　popular　song　which　once　had　taken　his
fancy　illuminatingly　expressed　itseemed　utterly　incongruous　with　the
freedom　and　daring　of　her　spirit；　was　a　sobering　shock。　　Was　he　prepared
to　marry　her；　if　he　could　obtain　her　in　no　other　way？　　The　question
demanded　a　survey　of　his　actual　position　of　which　he　was　at　the　moment
incapable。　　There　were　his　children！　　He　had　never　sought　to　arrive　at
even　an　approximate　estimate　of　the　boy　and　girl　as　factors　in　his　life；
to　consider　his　feelings　toward　them；　but　now；　though　he　believed　himself
a　man　who　gave　no　weight　to　social　considerationshe　had　scorned　this
tendency　in　his　wifehe　was　to　realize　the　presence　of　ambitions　for
them。　　He　was　young；　he　was　astonishingly　successful；　he　had　reason　to
think；　with　his　opportunities　and　the　investments　he　already　had　made；
that　he　might　some　day　be　moderately　rich；　and　he　had　at　times　even
imagined　himself　in　later　life　as　the　possessor　of　one　of　those　elaborate
country　places　to　be　glimpsed　from　the　high　roads　in　certain　localities；
which　the　sophisticated　are　able　to　recognize　as　the　seats　of　the
socially　ineligible；　but　which　to　Ditmar　were　outward　and　visible　emblems
of　success。　　He　liked　to　think　of　George　as　the　inheritor　of　such　a
place；　as　the　son　of　a　millionaire；　as　a　〃college　graduate；〃　as　an
influential　man　of　affairs；　he　liked　to　imagine　Amy　as　the　wife　of　such
another。　　In　short；　Ditmar's　wife　had　left　him；　as　an　unconscious　legacy；
her　aspirations　for　their　children's　social　prestige。。。。

The　polished　oak　grandfather's　clock　in　the　hall　had　struck　one　before　he
went　to　bed；　mentally　wearied　by　an　unwonted　problem　involving；　in
addition　to　self…interest；　an　element　of　ethics；　of　affection　not　wholly
compounded　of　desire。

He　slept　soundly；　however。　　He　was　one　of　those　fortunate　beings　who　come
into　the　world　with　digestive　organs　and　thyroid　glands　in　that　condition
whichso　physiologists　tell　usmakes　for　a　sanguine　temperament。　　And
his　course　of　action；　though　not　decided　upon；　no　longer　appeared　as　a
problem；　it　differed　from　a　business　matter　in　that　it　could　wait。　　As
sufficient　proof　of　his　liver　having　rescued　him　from　doubts　and　qualms
he　was　able　to　whistle；　as　he　dressed；　and　without　a　tremor　of　agitation；
the　forgotten　tune　suggested　to　his　consciousness　during　the　unpleasant
reverie　of　the　night　before；〃Only　a　Bird　in　a　Gilded　Cage！〃　　It　was
Saturday。　　He　ate　a　hearty　breakfast；　joked　with　George　and　Amy；　and
refreshed；　glowing　with　an　expectation　mingled　with　just　the　right　amount
of　delightful　uncertainty　that　made　the　great　affairs　of　life　a　gamble；
yet　with　the　confidence　of　the　conqueror；　he　walked　in　sunlight　to　the
mill。　　In　view　of　this　firm　and　hopeful　tone　of　his　being　he　found　it　all
the　more　surprising；　as　he　reached　the　canal；　to　be　seized　by　a
trepidation　strong　enough　to　bring　perspiration　to　his　forehead。　　What　if
she　had　gone！　　He　had　never　thought　of　that；　and　he　had　to　admit　it　would
be　just　like　her。　　You　never　could　tell　what　she　would　do。

Nodding　at　Simmons；　the　watchman；　he　hurried　up　the　iron…shod　stairs；
gained　the　outer　once；　and　instantly　perceived　that　her　chair　beside　the
window　was　empty！　　Caldwell　and　Mr。　Price　stood　with　their　heads　together
bending　over　a　sheet　on　which　Mr。　Price　was　making　calculations。

〃Hasn't　Miss　Bumpus　come　yet？〃　Ditmar　demanded。　　He　tried　to　speak
naturally；　casually；　but　his　own　voice　sounded　strange；　seemed　to　strike
the　exact　note　of　sickening　apprehension　that　suddenly　possessed　him。
Both　men　turned　and　looked　at　him　in　some　surprise。

〃Good…morning；　Mr。　Ditmar；〃　Caldwell　said。　　〃Why；　ye