the dwelling place of ligh-第41章
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anywhere； outside of the office； for a little while； I can't tell you how
much I'd appreciate it。 I'm sure you don't understand how I feelI
couldn't bear to lose you。 I'll be down by the canalnear the bridge
at eight o'clock to…night。 I'll wait for you。 You'll come？ Say you'll
come； and give me another chance！〃
〃Aren't you going to finish your letters？〃 she asked。
He stared at her in sheer perplexity。 〃Letters！〃 he exclaimed。 〃Damn
the letters！ Do you think I could write any letters now？〃
As a faint ray in dark waters； a gleam seemed to dance in the shadows of
her eyes； yet was gone so swiftly that he could not be sure of having
seen it。 Had she smiled？
〃I'll be there；〃 he cried。 〃I'll wait for you 〃
She turned from him； opened the door； and went out。
That evening； as Janet was wiping the dishes handed her by her mother；
she was repeating to herself 〃Shall I goor shan't I？〃just as if the
matter were in doubt。 But in her heart she was convinced of its
predetermination by some power other than her own volition。 With this
feeling； that she really had no choice； that she was being guided and
impelled； she went to her bedroom after finishing her task。 The hands of
the old dining…room clock pointed to quarter of eight； and Lise had
already made her toilet and departed。 Janet opened the wardrobe； looked
at the new blue suit hanging so neatly on its wire holder； hesitated； and
closed the door again。 Here； at any rate； seemed a choice。 She would
not wear that； to…night。 She tidied her hair； put on her hat and coat；
and went out； but once in the street she did not hurry； though she knew
the calmness she apparently experienced to be false： the calmness of
fatality； because she was obeying a complicated impulse stronger than
herselfan impulse that at times seemed mere curiosity。 Somewhere；
removed from her immediate consciousness； a storm was raging； she was
aware of a disturbance that reached her faintly； like the distant
throbbing of the looms she heard when she turned from Faber into West
Street She had not been able to eat any supper。 That throbbing of the
looms in the night！ As it grew louder and louder the tension within her
increased； broke its bounds； set her heart to throbbing toothrobbing
wildly。 She halted； and went on again； precipitately； but once more
slowed her steps as she came to West Street and the glare of light at the
end of the bridge； at a little distance； under the chequered shadows of
the bare branches； she saw something movea man； Ditmar。 She stood
motionless as he hurried toward her。
〃You've come！ You've forgiven me？〃 he asked。
〃Why were youdown there？〃 she asked。
〃Why？ Because I thoughtI thought you wouldn't want anybody to know〃
It was quite natural that he should not wish to be seen； although she had
no feeling of guilt； she herself did not wish their meeting known。 She
resented the subterfuge in him； but she made no comment because his
perplexity； his embarrassment were gratifying to her resentment； were
restoring her self…possession； giving her a sense of power。
〃We can't stay here；〃 he went on； after a moment。 〃Let's take a little
walkI've got a lot to say to you。 I want to put myself right。〃 He
tried to take her arm； but she avoided him。 They started along the canal
in the direction of the Stanley Street bridge。 〃Don't you care for me a
little？〃 he demanded。
〃Why should I？〃 she parried。
〃Thenwhy did you come？〃
〃To hear what you had to say。〃
〃You meanabout this afternoon？〃
〃Partly；〃 said Janet。
〃Wellwe'll talk it all over。 I wanted to explain about this afternoon；
especially。 I'm sorry〃
〃Sorry！〃 she exclaimed。
The vehemence of her rebukefor he recognized it as suchtook him
completely aback。 Thus she was wont； at the most unexpected moments； to
betray the passion within her； the passion that made him sick with
desire。 How was he to conquer a woman of this type； who never took
refuge in the conventional tactics of her sex； as he had known them？
〃I didn't mean that；〃 he explained desperately。 〃My Godto feel you； to
have you in my arms！ I was sorry because I frightened you。 But when
you came near me that way I just couldn't help it。 You drove me to it。〃
〃Drove you to it！〃
〃You don't understand； you don't know howhow wonderful you are。 You
make me crazy。 I love you； I want you as I've never wanted any woman
beforein a different way。 I can't explain it。 I've got so that I
can't live without you。〃 He flung his arm toward the lights of the
mills。 〃Thatthat used to be everything to me； I lived for it。 I don't
say I've been a saintbut I never really cared anything about any woman
until I knew you； until that day I went through the office and saw you
what you were。 You don't understand； I tell you。 I'm sorry for what I
did to…day because it offended youbut you drove me to it。 Most of the
time you seem cold； you're like an iceberg； you make me think you hate
me； and then all of a sudden you'll be kind； as you were the other night；
as you seemed this afternoonyou make me think I've got a chance； and
then； when you came near me； when you touched my handwhy； I didn't know
what I was doing。 I just had to have you。 A man like me can't stand
it。〃
〃Then I'd better go away；〃 she said。 〃I ought to have gone long ago。〃
〃Why？〃 he cried。 〃Why？ What's your reason？ Why do you want to ruin my
life？ You'veyou've woven yourself into ityou're a part of it。 I
never knew what it was to care for a woman before； I tell you。 There's
that mill；〃 he repeated； naively。 〃I've made it the best mill in the
country； I've got the biggest order that ever came to any millif you
went away I wouldn't care a continental about it。 If you went away I
wouldn't have any ambition left。 Because you're a part of it； don't you
see？ Youyou sort of stand for it now； in my mind。 I'm not literary； I
can't express what I'd like to say； but sometimes I used to think of that
mill as a womanand now you've come along〃 Ditmar stopped； for lack of
adequate eloquence。
She smiled in the darkness at his boyish fervour；one of the aspects of
the successful Ditmar； the Ditmar of great affairs； that appealed to her
most strongly。 She was softened； touched； she felt； too； a responsive
thrill to such a desire as his。 Yet she did not reply。 She could not。
She was learning that emotion is never simple。 And some inhibition； the
identity of which was temporarily obscured still persisted； pervading her
consciousness。。。。
They were crossing the bridge at Stanley Street； now deserted； and by
common consent they paused in the middle of it； leaning on the rail。 The
hideous chocolate factory on the point was concealed by the night；only
the lights were there； trembling on the surface of the river。 Against
the flushed sky above the city were silhouetted the high chimneys of the
power plant。 Ditmar's shoulder touched hers。 He was still pleading； but
she seemed rather to be listening to the symphony of the unseen waters
falling over the dam。 His words were like that； suggestive of a torrent
into which she longed to fling herself； yet refrained； without knowing
why。 Her hands tightened on the rail； suddenly she let it go； and led
the way toward the unfrequented district of the south side。 It was the
road to Silliston； but she had forgotten that。 Ditmar； regaining her
side； continued his pleading。 He spoke of his loneliness； which he had
never realized。 He needed her。 And she experienced an answering pang。
It still seemed incredible that he； too； who had so much； should feel
that gnawing need for human sympathy and understanding that had so often
made her unhappy。 And because of the response his need aroused in her
she did not reflect whether he could fulfil her own need； whether he
could ever understand her； whether； at any time； she could unreservedly
pour herself out to him。
〃I don't see why you want me；〃 she interrupted him at last。 〃I've never
had any advantages； I don't know anything。 I've never had a chance to
learn。 I've told you that before。〃
〃What difference does that make？ You've got more sense than any woman I
ever saw；〃 he declared。
